JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, MARCH 4, 2013 – THE WEDDING RINGS

This was not a planned blog. The idea came to me this morning as I was about to change the wedding ring on my finger to a different one. I hope you will bear with me and read my story.

Let me explain the history of my wedding rings. When I was a young, skinny bride, I wanted a wide, thick band – a bold band that announced to the world that I was a married woman; that I was loved and cherished. That was the ring Sid put on my finger during our wedding ceremony. It was the ring I wore until, I must be honest, I was no longer “skinny”. Not even close, although I somehow managed to keep that ring squeezed onto my finger.

One day, after about 10 years of marriage, and x amount of pounds gained, I was visiting our favorite jewelry store to pick out a pair of earrings for Sid to buy me for Chanukah.(He wasn’t one for surprises, worked retail hours, so it was difficult for him to shop, and this method worked for us. I picked out my gift; he bought it; had it wrapped; and gave it to me. Everyone was happy.) The jeweler was a friend of ours, and as he was showing me earrings, my eye caught a wedding ring in the case. It was a yellow gold, open weave design, with diamond chips scattered over it. I tried it on, and fell in love with it. It was the wide design that I liked, but the open weave allowed air to get through, so when I washed my hands, the water would not get trapped and cause irritation and rashes, as had been happening with my current band. I picked out the earrings, and Steve promised that those would be the ones he made sure that Sid bought.

During our Chanukah party, with our parents and my siblings present, Sid presented me with a box. Feigning surprise, I started to open it, saying, “Now what could this possibly be?” To my utter and complete shock, the box contained the wedding ring I had tried on in the jewelry store. Never had a gift from him meant so much to me as that ring at that moment. He put it on my finger in front of all of our relatives, and I wore it for at least the next 20+ years as a symbol, not only of our love and commitment to each other, but as a reminder of how sweet and caring he could be. Oh, and he had another box for me – the earrings!

About 25 years later, I was walking by a jewelry store in our local shopping center. A ring once again caught my eye. It was a white and yellow gold wide band with cut out Hebrew letters. A friend of mine had one like it, and I had always admired it. I went into the store on impulse and asked to see the ring with the Hebrew letters. The salesman had no idea what I was talking about, insisting they had no such item. I took him to the window and showed him. Whoops. My mistake. The “Hebrew letters” were Greek keys. I did not care what they were. I loved the ring.

This incident occurred about a week before Valentine’s Day. Sid and I were discussing the holiday that evening, when he said, “Do you know how much I love you?”  With a twinkle in my eye, I answered, “Enough to buy me a Valentine’s Day present?”  He smiled and asked what I wanted. I took him to the jewelry store the next day, and once again, he placed a wedding ring on my finger, and I wore it faithfully until we moved to Florida 6 years ago.

At that time, the humidity caught up with me. My fingers swelled, and I alternated between wearing the open weave wedding band and the Greek key one. Two years ago, I gave up on both because my fingers were just too swollen and hot to wear either comfortably. I went into my costume jewelry stash, and chose a QVC white gold very narrow band with cubic zirconias across the top. It is a little big for me, but serves its purpose of fitting on my finger no matter how humid the weather, nor how swollen my finger. It has no sentimental value at all. It simply says, “I am married.”

Why am I bothering to tell you the story of my wedding rings? Because, as research tells us
“The circle of a ring represents undying love and the continually renewed vows of the married couple” If that is true, the story of my wedding rings and what happened this morning is the story of how Alzheimer’s Disease has altered my marriage and the emotions within it.

It is cool here in South Florida this week, and I have recently lost a little weight, so I thought I would wear one of those rings again. As I placed the Greek key ring on my finger and looked at it, I was overcome with the realization that what it represented was gone, stolen slowly by Alzheimer’s Disease. When I looked at that ring on my finger, I saw years of  togetherness, “US”, love, fun, passion, joy, partnership, surprises – everything we had together as a couple for so many years. It was as if the ring was a movie projector, showing me scenes from a life lost and gone. I took it off, and put on the open weave ring. It represented different years, but the same loving relationship. Another movie of a time gone by.

I was saddened and sickened as I put both rings away. They do not represent our current relationship. They are, to me, stark, living reminders of what was and what is no longer. I put on the thin, cubic zirconium ring. The fake ring, representing the fake marriage that Alzheimer’s Disease has left me with.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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