JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE, DECEMBER 3-4, 2012 – THE TORTURE OF THE PLACEMENT DECISION

 How often during this Alzheimer journey have I watched in wonderment at those who are literally killing themselves caring for their spouses, yet hesitate to place them in a facility? Many times I have given the advice – “You cannot do this anymore. It is too much for you. He/she must go to a facility.” And still, the spouses hesitated. I found it incredulous that someone would be on the verge of collapse from mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion, and STILL would not place their spouses.

Ah, advice. So easily given. So difficult to follow. Now that my week’s respite is over, and I realized that I have no life outside of Alzheimer caregiving, AND I realized that Sid is too much for me to handle physically, I can see why my family is giving me the same advice I have so freely given to others -You cannot save him. Save yourself. There is no reason this disease has to kill both of you. I hear them. I cannot do this anymore.

BUT, and there is that big BUT – the thought of actually taking the step to live apart forever from the man who was my best friend, lover, companion, support system, and cheerleader for 42 years is tearing me to shreds. I was hoping this would happen when he was so deep into Alzheimer’s that being apart from me would not matter to him. Unfortunately, as I predicted, his physical condition is what is forcing me towards the placement decision. His mind, although being destroyed by Alzheimer’s, is still in tact enough to know me, his family, his home, his surroundings. He is aware enough to know that his care is becoming too much for me. He cries and begs me daily not to “put him somewhere”, that he cannot live apart from me. His tears do not mean that I will not place him. What they are doing is shattering the cement wall I have built around my heart to protect it, and ripping that heart to pieces.

I know that I am physically incapable of meeting all of his needs. I know that he requires rested aides on 8 hour shifts, not one spouse on 24 hour duty. I know that I will be better off physically once he is placed. I also know that neither of us will be better off emotionally. I will get help through therapy, but how will he adjust to life without me? I am told that he will adjust just fine, but I am not so sure.

All of this is irrelevant anyway, because I have to do what Medicaid says I can do. There are no individual choices when there is no money. Not to mention that my father’s situation has to come first. He appears to be declining, and the Assisted Living is pressuring me to transfer him to a nursing home. In between taking care of Sid, I am working on getting my father admitted to a Nursing Home.

Once my father is settled, I will set the process in motion for my husband’s placement. And try to figure out how to accept that at age 64, instead of being happily retired with my soul mate; traveling; going on day trips; enjoying the twilight of our lives together, I will  be visiting my cognitively and physically impaired husband in a nursing facility. This is not easy.

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©Copyright 2012 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2010 All Rights Reserved
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RECENT BLOGS:

Isolation - Perhaps I am taking the easy way out by isolating myself - August 20, 2012

Don't Cry for Me - It is my husband who is deteriorating, and it is torture to watch - September 4/5, 2012

I Should Be a More Willing Caregiver - I don't feel I'm living up to my responsibilities as a loving spousal caregiver - September 18, 2012

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