JOAN’S BLOG – TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2012 – I SHOULD BE A  MORE WILLING CAREGIVER

One day, when I was 10 years old, I was visiting my aunt and uncle who lived on the other side of town from us. My 16 year old cousin and a few of his friends were hanging out while I was there. I happened to notice one of the friends. I don’t know why, at age 10, I noticed 16 year old Sid, and never forgot him, but that is what happened. When I was 16, I met up with him again at my cousin’s wedding. My teenage heart fluttered. There was just something about him that I was attracted to.

We did not meet again until I was 21. Now my adult attraction kicked into high gear. I wanted this guy. I wanted to date him. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and……………….well, you can imagine what I wanted. Who is to say what attracts one person to another even before they get to know one another? I certainly do not know. I only know that from the first day I set eyes on Sid, there was something. An intangible connection and attraction.

4 months later, we went on our first date; 2 months after that we were engaged; and 5 months later, we were married. I was never happier, stronger, or more secure than when I was with him. He literally lit up my life.

With such a history, you would think that I would gladly lay down my life to care for him. When he was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, I said I would. I told him I would always be there for him, always take care of him. Little did I know at the time that meant giving up my life and physical and mental health for him.

It is now 10 years since the first inkling that something was not quite right with him; 8 years since AD forced him out of work; 6 years since official diagnosis; and 2 years since Diabetes, stress fractures, neuropathy, and arthritis have rendered him incapable of walking on his own. In those 10 years, I have endured his AD wild rages, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, mood swings, crying spells, apologies, confusion, cognitive decline, personality changes, whining, and now, childlike dependence.

Because of who he was, what he was to me, and what we were to each other, I feel I should be honored to take care of him. I feel I should be patient, understanding, and willing to wait on him, answer his repetitive questions, explain information to him, and gladly work the Netflix remote for him.

Instead, I am short tempered, resentful, and tired. I do not enjoy jumping up and down constantly to wait on him. Please (he does say “please”) get me the remote; get my headphones; fill my drink; watch this news segment and explain it to me; get me more strips for my glucose meter. This is in addition to doing every single thing that needs doing to keep a household and two lives running smoothly, from picking up whatever falls on the floor to making and driving to appointments to grocery shopping, laundry, handling insurance companies, bills……………ad infinitum. Even overworked nurses do not work 24 hour shifts.
 
As much as I would love to be the altruistic, saintly, willing caregiver, I am not. Given our loving history together I feel I should be; I wish I were; but I am not. The time is coming quickly when 3 shifts of nurses are going to have to take over my job.

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