JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE., NOVEMBER 26/27, 2012 – FINDING JOAN

Every experience teaches us something, and my week of respite was no exception. I was literally on the verge of a mental and physical collapse before I spent a week with my sister and her family in Chicago, and was not thinking about what I would learn from my first trip alone in two years. I was only thinking about escaping the overwhelming burden of caring for my husband’s mental (Alzheimer’s Disease) and physical (Diabetes) needs 24/7.

It is a two hour ride from my house to the Orlando airport, from where my plane was departing. As soon as I settled into the back seat of the car, I fell asleep, and did not awaken until the driver was pulling onto the departure ramp of the airport. Once I was seated on the plane, I took out my Kindle, and within minutes, had to shut it, as my eyes were closing. I slept through most of the 2 ½ hour flight. I guess my body was trying to tell me just how tired I was.

Upon arriving at my sister’s house, I went upstairs to “my room”, unpacked, and started to feel a bit strange. I felt……………….different, but I was not sure in what way. Then it occurred to me that I was “free”. I did not have to worry about Sid’s pills, meals, showers, pain. I did not have to do anything for anyone except myself on my timetable. That sense of freedom was so foreign to me that I was not sure what to do with it. What I did that evening was enjoy the visit from my nephew, his wife, and the most brilliant 19 month old baby boy I have ever encountered. (Really – he is!). I rather enjoyed not having to wait on, nor worry about Sid.

By the third day of this freedom, I was sitting in the family room, and another odd feeling descended upon me. It was unfamiliar, yet familiar at the same time. I could not put my finger on it, and then I realized – I felt like………………Joan. It was the Joan before Alzheimer’s Disease. I had forgotten she existed. She was happy, light hearted, and looking forward to whatever fun activities the day would bring. I thought to myself – She’s not lost to Alzheimer’s Disease caregiving. She’s in there. She’s actually in there. It was heartening to me to know that when this horrendous Alzheimer journey is over, “ME” still exists. Without any doubt, I will be different. One cannot go through such pain and suffering without learning and growing from the experience, but at least I know the “happy” me will come out once again.

On the fourth day of my freedom, I looked into the mirror, and saw, to my surprise, a different face. It was one devoid of stress. I had not realized how anxious and tense I had looked until those emotions were no longer evident on my face.

I spent the rest of the week visiting with my 2 great nieces and Baby Einstein, my great nephew, along with my nephews and their wives. My sister took me to Bath and Body Works, where I managed to buy enough to add 9.2 lbs. to my suitcase. We went to a Chinese Buffet, something I no longer do with Sid because with him in a wheelchair, a buffet is simply more of me waiting on him, just in a different venue. My brother-in-law came with us to see the final Twilight movie. I made my famous stuffing, sadly without my vegetable chopper son, who was unable to be with us due to a new job. And the grand finale of fun projects was the turkey cookies
that Arlene and I made.

The week was over much too quickly, but the lessons learned from allowing myself a long respite were:

My true non-caregiving; non-stressed; non-worn out self still exists.

Living totally enveloped in caregiving robs you of life’s experiences, even if they are as simple as enjoying a buffet supper without having to wait on someone.

I have been doing too much caregiving, and am no longer able to sustain it at the pace at which I have been going.

It is time for placement.

Stay tuned for my next blog, which will deal with the emotions involved in making the placement decision.

MESSAGE BOARD: Joan’s Blog –Finding Joan 

RECENT BLOGS:

Isolation - Perhaps I am taking the easy way out by isolating myself - August 20, 2012

Don't Cry for Me - It is my husband who is deteriorating, and it is torture to watch - September 4/5, 2012

I Should Be a More Willing Caregiver - I don't feel I'm living up to my responsibilities as a loving spousal caregiver - September 18, 2012

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