JOAN’S BLOG – TUE/WED., NOVEMBER 6/7, 2012 – ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE – DESTROYING MY LIFE

Alzheimer’s Disease does not only alter forever the life of the spouse who suffers from it. Alzheimer’s Disease is a Total Destroyer. It has managed to destroy my marriage, my husband, and is on its way to destroying me, no matter how hard I have tried to fight it.

Those who have followed my blogs since I launched this website in July 2007, have read of me falling instantly in love at age 21, of having a strong, secure, loving, passionate marriage for 36 years, and then receiving my husband’s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s Disease. The blogs detail how I fought until breathless to retain my husband and loving marriage as they were before AD entered our lives. From the beginning of the initial subtle signs in 2002, to my surrender in around 2010, I thought I could do it. I was wrong. I lost the battle. My husband as I knew him is gone; our marriage as it was is gone; the love as it used to be is gone. That is not to say I do not love him for the memory of who he was. I do. But the interwoven love we shared as a couple was destroyed when Alzheimer’s Disease destroyed his personality, cognition, and ability to relate as a cognizant adult, thrusting me into the unwilling role of nurse/caregiver/mother.

The reality of that truth hit me hard this weekend. I am about to embark on a respite trip for a week. I am going to my sister’s house in Chicago for Thanksgiving. Based upon the advice of the respite director and every professional and relative to whom I spoke about the event, we were in agreement that I would not tell Sid about my trip until it was almost time to depart. There did not seem to be any reason to stress him out early.

Since I am leaving in less than 2 weeks, I decided that this weekend was the time to tell him. I made it short and simple. I told him that I needed a rest, and I was going to visit my sister. He was in shock and devastated. He sat and cried for hours. He said that it was like a kick in the head to him; that he never expected that I would “leave him”. He could not understand how I could do such a thing to him.

My reaction to his reaction was what told me how shattered Alzheimer Disease has left our marriage and life together that once seemed unbreakable. 4 years ago, when he screamed at me, verbally abused me, and shouted that he never thought the person he loved more than anything in the world would betray him – he was referring to taking away his driving – I was devastated; sick at heart; barely able to breathe. I wrote many blogs about how torn apart I was over hurting him, hurting me, hurting us. I could not cope with it. It took years and a lot of medication for both of us to get past it.

This weekend, when he basically expressed that he felt betrayal from me and my respite plans, I barely blinked. I felt nothing. On some level, he was doing it to make me feel guilty, but I am so worn down from 24/7 caregiving; from living a lonely life; from missing the husband I had; that his rants fell on deaf ears and a stone heart. He could cry all he wanted. I was not going to be moved. I am too weary, too burned out, and too stressed to give in to his feelings.

And then he illustrated just how irrational his thinking is. As I was telling him that I needed a rest, and that I was going to Chicago, he bemoaned that we are never apart from one another, and asked, “Why can’t I go with you?” I said simply – “I need a rest.” To which he replied, “I can come with you and your sister can take care of me.” I could not help myself – I laughed out loud.

I do not feel one bit guilty, sad, or regretful that I am taking a week’s respite. What I do feel is terribly sad that I was not upset or hurt by his outburst. 4 years ago, I would have been in an emotional crumble on the floor over hurting him, and that I made him feel that I was leaving him. Not now. To me, that is the most depressing part of all of this – the fact that Alzheimer’s Disease has ruined my loving marriage, and turned my once warm, loving heart to stone.

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©Copyright 2012 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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RECENT BLOGS:

Isolation - Perhaps I am taking the easy way out by isolating myself - August 20, 2012

Don't Cry for Me - It is my husband who is deteriorating, and it is torture to watch - September 4/5, 2012

I Should Be a More Willing Caregiver - I don't feel I'm living up to my responsibilities as a loving spousal caregiver - September 18, 2012

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