JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2013 – THE WALL IS CRUMBLING

Friends, relatives, and website members quote my “wise” advice all of the time. Usually right back to me when I am struggling with something related to my husband’s Alzheimer’s Disease. For the most part, I have followed my advice as best as I have been able. I took care of legal issues, living arrangements, Alzheimer services, and Medicaid “sooner rather than later”, as I preach to my members incessantly.

It is the emotional part of living with a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease that is resistant to advice. From the very beginning, my social workers drilled it into my head that I could no longer relate to my husband as my husband. I could not expect him to reason, demonstrate good judgment, or engage in a normal conversation. I could not expect him to empathize, compromise, or remember any agreements we had made concerning his or my behavior towards each other. It took YEARS, but I finally “got” it – he is not the husband I knew; his two-year old behavior must be responded to as one would respond to a two-year old. I cannot expect compromise, reason, conversation, or recall from him.

Drilling it into my head is one thing; drilling into my heart is an entirely different matter. Up until recently, I have pushed, pushed, pushed the emotions related to this change in relationship to the back of my head and heart. I have built a brick wall around my heart and emotions. I know myself well, and I know that if I spend my time dwelling upon, and feeling the pain of the love I have lost, I will not be able to function. I will not be able to provide him with the care he needs and take care of everything else related to running a household – finances, insurance, legal – you are aware of what is involved in being a single caregiver. My thought is that I will seek therapy and deal with the raw emotions either when he is placed or dies, whichever comes first.

Unfortunately, the wall is beginning to crumble. First it was a little crack; then another crack; then a few more cracks. This weekend bricks fell. There are quite a few of them lying at my feet, and they are heavy. I am trying to put them back before the entire wall comes crashing down. Sunday morning I flipped out because I could not get Sid to remember and follow my one instruction for getting himself ready to go out, and because my back hurt too much to help him get dressed. Whether I should have or not is irrelevant; the fact is that I told him he was too much for me to care for alone. Next thing I knew,  I found myself holding a sobbing husband, who, realizing he was too physically disabled to care for himself, said I was mean to him, impatient, and should just “put him away somewhere to rot.” Ordinarily, if the wall had held, I would have brushed it off as “Alzheimer’s talking”, apologized for being impatient, and assured him I was not going to “put him away.”

But the wall did not hold. More than a few bricks around my heart fell, and I found myself remembering the man Sid used to be, both physically and mentally; the man I loved from the moment I laid eyes on him; the man who filled my life with love and comfort; the man who has loved me more than anyone ever could, would, or will. And I sobbed along with him. How did this happen to us? How did we end up like this? I loved him so much. We had our ups and downs as all couples do, but because of our deep love and commitment, we worked through any obstacles and disagreements. We were so good together – best friends, lovers, partners, secret comedy duo; we were everything, and now…………….what Alzheimer’s did not take from his mind, Diabetes took from his body. And I am left with a stranger to care for and memories that are searing my soul with pain.

I suppose the “push it back and deal with it later” advice is not working anymore. I guess it is time to call a therapist to help me deal with this. Have any of you sought therapy for emotional issues related to being an “Alzheimer Widow”?  If so, has it helped?
MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan’s Blog – The Wall is Crumbling

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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Alzheimer's Disease is Destroying My Life - November 6/7, 2012

Finding Joan - After a week's respite at my sister's house for Thanksgiving, I found out that I still exist outside of Alzheimer's Disease - November 26/27, 2012

The Torture of the Placement Decision - The time has come to save one of us - December 3/4, 2012

Alone - Dealing with my father's death without the comfort of my husband made me realize how alone I am -December 27,28, 2012

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