JOAN’S BLOG – TUES/WED, JULY 10/11, 2012 – A MEMBER’S POEM GIVES ME A WAKE UP CALL

Although I try to find the positives and the humor in my life as an Alzheimer Spouse, the truth is that I often complain about how difficult my role as a caregiving spouse has become. I am the aide on all 3 shifts, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Because of my husband’s physical disability, I do everything for him, from bending down to pick up a piece of paper, to waiting on him, to setting up his meals, medications, showers, clothes. His mental disability has left me no one with whom to discuss, converse, or joke. His repetitive questions have left me with little hair due to pulling it out in frustration. My patience is at a minimum.

Then one of our members, Sheri, shook me out of my self pity by posting a poem on the message boards that she had written about how her husband must feel. HE is the one with the disease. HE is the one who is frightened and disappearing:

Talk to me now
For my moment is now.

My minute is gone
It was a moment too long.

My eyes search your face
for a familiar place

It is a place I'm sure I've been
Over and over again.

I can't find my way
So I need you to stay

In front of me, or beside me
so my shadow can see.

©Copyright 2012 Sherizeee

When I read this poem, my first thought was – How can I be so selfish?  This disease is not about me. It is he who is suffering. Sheri’s poem made me realize how much more difficult this is on him than me. How many times has he told me that whatever he hears, reads, or sees, is gone in a moment? In one ear and out the other, he says, and to him, that is not just a saying. It is his reality.

How often have I been shocked when he sees a TV commercial we have seen and commented upon countless times, and he says to me – “Wow, did you see that? That’s really funny.”  And I say, “What are you talking about? Every time we see that commercial, I say how much I like it and how funny it is.”  Then I feel sick and ashamed of myself when he bends his head, apologizes, and says he doesn’t remember it. After such an incident, I always tell him it is not his fault, but how hollow is that statement when I have just berated him?

After reading Sheri’s poem, I tried to put myself in his place. How must it feel to be so blank? Honestly, no matter how hard I try, I cannot imagine it. To have only the moment. A very short moment. To know what is said for 60 seconds, and then it is gone. There is no reference point. There is no time for discussion. There is nothing, except someone  scolding you that you already said that, or they already told you that. And you sit in blankness. What was said; what you said; is gone. How frightening must that be? I am feeling disoriented and afraid as I write about it.

As Sheri’s poem eloquently illustrates, my husband has only me to guide him, be his memory, and look out for him. How dejected and demoralized must he feel if the one person on whom he depends, loses patience with him, scolds him, or growls in frustration at him?

Being an Alzheimer Spouse is an extremely demanding, grueling job, both physically and emotionally. There is no doubt that we are suffering and in need of respite and support, but I definitely needed the reminder that Sheri’s poem provided me – the reminder that I am not the one with the disease. I need to be more tolerant and understanding of the Hell my husband is enduring.

My thanks to Sheri for allowing me to use her poem as the basis of this blog.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's Blog - Member's Poem Gives Me a Wake Up Call

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.
©Copyright 2012 Joan Gershman
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2012 All Rights Reserved

RECENT BLOGS:

Something Clicked - Somewhere in his Alzheimer brain, my husband realized how much I do for him and how exhausted I am - May 22/23, 2012

How to Find Caregiving Services When You Have No Money to Pay For Them - This blog addresses how to find help when you have a real need - when you truly have no assets.- June 5/6, 2012

No Longer a Wife - My sad evolution from wife to caregiver is complete - a lonely and sorrowful life - June 11, 2012

 CUSTOM DESIGNED SCARVES AND MORE

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved