JOAN'S BLOG - MONDAY, JUNE 11, 21012 -NO LONGER A WIFE

Looking back on the 700+ blogs I have written since the launch of this website in 2007, a clear pattern of evolution emerges. I believe that all of us Alzheimer Spouses go through the same evolution - all at different paces, but the beginning and end results are the same. We begin as confused spouses, questionng and fighting the changes in our husbands/wives, and end as caregivers to a childlike adult who resembles the man or woman with whom we fell in love and spent decades together as partners in life.

My husband, Sid, has undergone serious physical deterioration due to his Diabetes. Although it is difficult to watch and exhausting to tend to him as a result, it is the mental decline from Alzheimer's Disease that attributes to my loneliness and despair.

As we sat together in the den this weekend - me knitting and him watching television, with a leaden sadness in my heart, I thought - "How did we end up like this?" Six years ago, we used to watch American Idol, discuss all of the performances, and disagree on our votes. We would watch political shows and discuss who said what, and with whom we agreed or disagreed and why. We used to watch crime shows and guess and debate "whodunit" throughout the program. We used to laugh at comedians who referred to incidents that had occurred in our own lives We used to; we used to; we used to.

We do none of that now. We sit insilence, because, by his own admission, once a scene is over, he has no idea what had just happened. He knows with whom he agrees politically, but cannot explain why, and cannot remember who said what as soon as it is said. The closest he comes to a political discussion is - "He's an @#$%^*&", in reference to the politician he does not like.

It is impossible to discuss anything that has occurred in our lives together for the last 40 years up until the minute we are talking. He cannot remember any of it. Not a milestone from 25 years ago; not a sentence from a minute ago.

Instead of engaging in discussion or conversation, I grit my teeth, take deep breaths, and try not to lose my temper as he asks the same questions again and again, again, again, and again. What are we doing tomorrow? When am I going to be able to go to the Day Care program 3 days a week instead of 2? Who, how, when, where, what - the same questions all day and night.

The loneliness and sorrow I feel cannot be imagined by anyone but an Alzheimer Spouse who is experiencing the same. I have no husband to talk to; only a cogitively impaired man-child to tend to. I have no husband to share passion; only a man who clings to me like a child. There is no longer a marriage with playfulness, intimacy, partnership, or conversation. There is only me in the caregiver role all day every day.

My conscience tells me to stop complaining. He is the one going through the physical pain; he is the one who has all but lost the ability to walk; he is the one who is frustrated and depressed because he cannot remember anything and is losing the comprehension of what he sees and reads. He is the one for whom I should have empathy.

I am trying. I am always trying to be more compassionate towards him, but sometimes the losses I have suffered because of his Alzheimer's Disease overtake me, and the cargiver role that has replaced the wife role saddens me more than I can handle.

I miss my Sid. I miss everything we had together.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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