JOAN’S BLOG – DECEMBER 15, 2014 – IS IT SEXUAL ASSAULT?

An incident has come to my attention that I feel strongly is appropriate for discussion on this website dedicated to spousal issues related to Alzheimer’s Disease/dementia. I ask that you read the article in this LINK and my comments very thoroughly and carefully before posting your opinions and comments on the Message Boards. Please be sure to read the family statement that appears after the article.

The situation of sexual consent between a “well” and “demented” spouse has been discussed previously on this website. To simplify a very complex matter, our discussions boiled down to this:

• “Well” husbands vs. “demented” wives- Some of our “well” husbands felt that their wives were willing and able to give consent, and continued to engage in sexual relations. Other “well” husbands deemed their wives to be “childlike” and felt that they would be taking advantage of someone incapable of giving informed consent, so they did not pursue it.
• “Well” wives generally lost interest in sex with their husbands after providing care for them as one would a child – changing diapers being the biggest turn off. To many, it was a non-issue, as their husbands had lost the ability to perform. There were some women who were relentlessly pursued by husbands who were “hyper-sexual”, usually those with FTD. Solutions varied from the women moving to a different locked bedroom to moving out, to placing the husband in a facility.
•  In some cases, occasional sexual encounters were loving and welcomed.
• The subject of intimacy with one’s spouse in a long term care facility was mentioned only briefly, and not really expanded upon.

Let’s assume, for the purpose of this discussion, that the wife of the man in the article was cognitively able to consent. If that was the case, what do you think about his prosecution? Who decides and how is it decided if a demented woman is capable of consent? Should demented spouses living in a facility be allowed “private time” with their “well” spouse?

What if the demented spouse is a man, and his wife would like private “cuddle” time with him? I am NOT using “cuddle” as a euphemism for sex. I mean what the word implies – intimate hugging and cuddling. What if the man is capable of more than cuddling, and the wife desires it? The question is the same (or should be) as in the case of a demented wife. Who decides and how is it decided if the demented person is capable of consenting? Should husbands and wives be prosecuted if someone decides that the demented spouse is cognitively incapable of giving consent?

What about the strong bond between longtime spouses who are still capable of “reading” each other’s unspoken emotions and desires? Only those who have experienced it can understand and acknowledge that such a bond exists. My own husband can barely complete a sentence because he cannot hold a thought in his head long enough to remember what he wants to say. Yet there are times when my old Sid appears with a word, a gesture, a look that only I can interpret.

I know from experience that my readers are intelligent, articulate, and thoughtful, so let’s tackle this complex subject with the intellect and respect it deserves.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan’s Blog – Is it sexual assault?

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