Tomorrow I am going to my brother’s and help him complete resurfacing a deck. He had a small stroke a year and a half ago, which impacts his right side some. I’ll be his third hand. It will take my mind off things.
Tomorrow is the funeral service for my partner, run by her family, to which I am not invited. In spite of the fact that I am the one who walked with her every step of this journey through dementia from beginning to end, and we walked this journey together with as much love and grace as we could muster. In spite of feeling welcomed into her family and welcoming them all into mine. My family has said “that is their loss”. Well, it feels like my loss too.
Our church will be holding the rescheduled Remembrance Service on November 18. The service and celebration that we had fun planning together many years ago.
I feel like I’ve been on emotional roller coaster this past six weeks. First relief, then pain and sorrow, then anger and escape from anger, and now I’m grieving. I truly have been grateful for the “virtual cottage on the lake” which is a refuge from this very empty lonely house.
Hi Lindylou. I am glad you will be with your brother and busy tomorrow. I will be holding you close in my thoughts. I am angry with her family for betraying her trust and wishes. My sister in law says "family" is the "F" word. Sometimes that is all too true. I am sorry for this loss as well. Hugs
Lindylou, The event today is not "the funeral service." It is a rogue event that's being held without the approval of the next-of-kin of the deceased. The actual funeral service (no matter what it is called) will be on Nov. 18th. Your in-laws' cruelty is matched only by their boorishness.
Try to take comfort in the sure knowledge of the love and commitment you and your spouse had for each other. All the rest is noise.
with you in your sadness. And with your family, who say they are the ones who are missing out. Makes you wonder how people can be so cruel and so double faced.
I've held myself back from commenting on this, because it makes me so angry that I probably wouldn't be forum-appropriate. Basically, I agree with Myrtle. And I'm thinking of you a lot, Lindylou. Sending all kinds of hugs and support through ESP.
Hi all. I spent Saturday with my brother helping him out. Then he took me out to eat. I’m so glad because I really needed to be with someone that day. Sunday at church was special, only a few people know the why and how of my collapse, but all come over to me at the coffee social with hugs and love.
I agree with Myrtle’s assessment of my partner’s family, and that makes things easier to deal with most all the time - except when I wake up early in the morning and my anger comes flooding back in. I’m trying to find the broom that will sweep away those negative emotions. I believe that my anger was a right and natural response to begin with, but continuing to carry it gives them more power over me than they deserve. And I know they are not thinking of me. Your emotional support means more to me than you can possibly know.
One thing I am doing for recovery is walking lots and lots. I was practically a cripple after having been basically housebound for four or five months. Once my partner could not get into the car and was only going to daycare for short periods each day, I really got out of shape. All I was doing was going to the grocery store, the bank, and the pharmacy. Now I am taking walks of four to five miles several times a week. Can’t say I’m fast at it, but oh well. My body feels better, my mind feels clearer.
Suppose what comes next is to ask myself what comes next.
Lindylou, I think it's probably waaay to soon for this, but I pray that the time comes when you are able to forgive. Holding the anger (which I'm quite familiar with, for years) isn't going to affect them at all, but it will kill you, little by little. It isn't an easy thing to do, but genuine forgiveness from the heart, will soften yours. I'm not saying that the way you're feeling about these rude, classless, seemingly unfeeling & ignorant folks is wrong....I would be devasted myself. I just don't want it to affect your health (like it hasn't been already!)
Hi Mim, so wonderful to hear from you. I do continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and will do so as you wait to hear from your doctor.
My anger has pretty much left me now. I, from previous experience, did not/do not want to carry anger around with me knowing its its killing power. Thinking about the why of their behavior was a puzzle to me until Myrtle basically said that is just the kind of people they are. I feel they could have chosen love, compassion and gratefulness but did not. Oh well. Forgiveness? I don't know yet. I do wish them healing from their own pain and anger. That's as far as I've gotten, and it may be as close as I get to forgiving. Maybe it is forgiveness. I'm not sure.
I am at the point of missing my partner, able to think of the good times we had and less each day about the difficult times our last few years. Except I will always remember her infrequent moments of lucidity and her expressions of love that occurred throughout her illness.
Your last sentence says it all...too much thrown at you near the end. Concentrate, when you are able, on the better times. Maybe now you really can start taking care of yourself (you know like everyone tells us to do through this whole devastating business!)/ Sleep if you need to, spend the day in your pj's, go for a little pampering (nails, facial, massage (maybe we can hire someone to come to the Cabin in the Woods to spoil us a little).....aaahh.
I'm going to go waaayyyy out on a limb here, although somebody might decide to cut off that limb with me still attached!!! No offense meant to anyone here. I'm sorry if I do offend anybody. It's also none of my business, but.....Lindylou, do you think there's a possibility that your partner's family was actually embarrassed because you were a "female" partner? Had they kept that quiet from the rest of their family? Assuming that there was an obituary in your local paper, was your name mentioned?
These thoughts came to my head when I realized how badly you've been treated. Please forgive my intrusion into private matters, No answer required,
Actually Mim, their attitude is all about money. First there was my expectation that son live up to a financial commitment he made to his mother and me regarding her funeral. Not going to go into the details about that. And secondly my sudden collapse the day preceding the scheduled service caused some in my partner's distant family to lose money because of motel reservations. Son got angry when our minister refused to hold the scheduled service without me. She did offer to do a small service for the family, but they quite literally refused because there would be no music or food. Had nothing to do with our relationship or orientation. Everyone came to our wedding. Did have something to do, I think, with my not being being "blood" relative. The piece I cannot understand is there is no appreciation for the care I gave to their mother, sister daughter. Care they witnessed these past few years. Hence my dependence on Myrtle's evaluation that they are both cruel and boorish. That my love escaped those qualities is an everlasting blessing to me. Her heart was so good, so generous, so loving. I am better for having known her.
My experience is that it's pretty random what dysfunctional trolls come attached with the one we love and that it's only in the really creepy families that there aren't any dysfunctional trolls.
I find that much of this hinges on the axiom most people live to more or less a degree, in the idea that what other's do with their simple lives is completely objectionable while what we do with our complicated life is really quite reasonable.
"All Germans beat their wives!" my future father-in-law screamed at his daughter trying to talk some sense into her. "We don't need your kind around here." my future brother-in-law once hissed at me. Too late. I'm moving into the family anyway....surprise!!!
"Why don't you marry a nice German girl?" my mother asked me trying to talk some sense into me and proving that it doesn't matter who's camp you're in - everybody's nuts. "There aren't any.", I pointed out, "Maybe in Germany." Dad loved Dianne minute one. Mom had to defend the fort alone.
I took their mother in when the FIL died. It didn't occur to Dianne until I told her we should do that. She passed away in my arms. It all changed over the years until Dianne went into that nursing home and in that instant I became persona non grata. A massive gathering of the clan right here in our city on behalf of Dianne - and I was not invited. The nephew we took in for months so he wouldn't have to live in a hotel, shut me out because my tone wasn't appropriate in one of our phone calls. They visited her sometimes and I would hear they'd come into town second hand from the nursing home staff.
That stuff all hurt a lot and for some time. Especially the early prejudice when I didn't know yet that I don't have to see myself as different. "You're lucky to know me.", I should have said, but who thinks of these things when we're taught that our particular different is bad - and for some time I believed that.
That's the real problem, isn't it. When we try to understand the knuckle dragging troll reneging on his agreements for a few extra bucks, and we use the word integrity - it's us that are in denial of the facts happening right in front of our face.
My sister did not attend her son's wedding. Instead I spoke for my nephew. She loathed her x husband who quite frankly was mostly guilty of not measuring up. When my nephew said he wanted both his parents at his wedding, she blew a gasket. My sister behaved like a troll there because she refused to suck it up for a couple of hours and instead was outraged. My nephew may be coming for a visit on remembrance day. He has that day off and I get remembered. He's never forgiven her for the cruel and hurtful things she screamed at him and his wife. I don't blame him. She threatened never to talk to our mother again if she went to the wedding so she didn't. Mom was always sorry she had missed it. On the other hand it was my sister who went to the nursing home every day helping take care of mom. Family. You gotta love it.
The balance scale is set by what we see and feel. That isn't fair in this situation for two reasons. Their behaviour is this is revoltingly poor in and of itself. And two, we couldn't be in a more pitiable state if we tried after caring for them so long and now them passing away. That is certainly cruelty but I'm unconvinced of that intention.
It's heinously self serving, of that there can be no doubt but that can be seen as gathering in a perception as George Streit pointed out in his example of being closed out when he should have been the central focus. It's the aggrieved that matter in grieving (DUH!), but who counts the babies in the bathwater when the circus comes to town?
Ultimately, it would be a shame to make our memories different because the world has adrenaline junkies and the completely self absorbed and the fearful and the angels of mercy and the taggers on following the clueless and the person who dies saving someone they didn't even know.
There are a lot of different types of people around us and it's on us to appreciate the good around us as much as it is not to take other people's behavior onto ourselves.
Of all the little things that have come back some years afterwards, I'm the most appreciate that I can distinguish once again, in the way that is me, what is valid and what is somebody else's bullsh*t.
Mim, once you've selected "edit" you could then place your cursor in the paragraph you wish to change and delete it one character at a time or replace it with something different or whatever, just as you could when originally composing the post.
Mim, if you press edit, you.can delete by highlighting the text and cutting it. On a computer you just use your mouse left button to highlight stuff.and right mouse button should have option to delete. On my tablet I press on one word to.select it and there are handles to help highlight more text. It is sometimes very frustrating on the tablet. Then oress Save Changes. You might have to put a word in the blank space. You could say editted. But I don't think you need to delete it. Lindylou answered it. Hmmm Gourdchipper and I were typing at the same time. Hi Gourdchipper.
Mim, delete if you want, but do not feel you have to do so on my account. From the start I have been open on this website as to my partner's and my orientation, and have been blessed by the sheer number of you all who have been supportive of me as I traveled this dementia journey with you. There have been so many times that I have held onto "the lifeline" you have thrown out to me during the really hard times. And never have I felt demeaned. I hope I have been equally supportive to those who have needed support as well.