I am working on adding a third person to our relations ship. Some one who will be supportive of my wife and be my intellectual and sexual partner. Does any one have any experience with this tight rope walking act? Introducing a third would have to be positive for my wife as well as for me or it would be a deal breaker. My wife and I are both 68. She started to show signs of memory loss ten+ years ago and went onto Aricept in the early 2000s. We have been married 47 years and have done everything together, business, family, love and spirituality. She is now a shadow of her former brilliant self but still good to get along with and pleasant to deal with. Her intellectual capacity is nonexistent and 3+ years ago her interest in sex and now her ability to have sex disappeared. I am hungry for intellectual companionship as well as some one to be intensely intimate with. I always lived my life by bouncing ideas off my wife and sharing the beauty of the world with her. Non of that works now. Other suggestions?
Early on in DH's AD, I was in a support group. One woman had a 'boyfriend' & would mention that they had gone away for the wk-end, whatever. But her DH had AD, confined to his bed, at home, and with full time care. I assumed he was vegetative, but she was obviously still devoted to him, he always came first. It seemed to work and no one in the group had a problem with it. I wondered how she could divide herself in that way, but as the years went on & my DH went further & further away, I did come to understand. Altho I had opportunities during his illness, I never followed up. I was too consummed with him & his care. Maybe it could have worked if anyone had been appealing enough, I can only speculate. Many give up that male/female thing, seem almost relieved, but many flourish around the opposite sex. I like women, certainly, but men are in a different category. It is important for caregivers to remember that we have to live, too. You know your situation, but you have to do what makes you comfortable and happy, we are still entitled to happiness and, generally speaking, happy people are healthier.
Shortly after my DH died, someone dropped into my life and we have those intellectual, fussing, arguing, political, religious, philosophical, etc discussions. We are older than you, but it is true that the relationship keeps us young. There will be no marriage or living together and it's not what you are asking about, it's not a 3rd person. Many have said they would not do that no matter what. It is wholly a personal decision, but if you don't neglect your wife, if she still comes first, there are those of us like the woman in my support group who understand.
Rent the movie 'Away From Her.' Except that the roles are reversed & my DH had died, it is how things were for me. You will identify.
HenryVT, my wife and I are in a similar situation. I am 72. She is in stage 6+ and I am her caregiver here at home. Even though the woman I loved effectively died about 3 years ago, I still love her. I am presently talking with Hospice, but they say she is not quite ready for Hospice services.
I have avoided actively seeking another female friend for fear of creating a "lover's triangle" situation in my extended family that lives a few miles away. I really really miss her companship and intimacy. I have avoided signing up with seniorfriendfinder.com for example. I'll likely start looking around after the post AD era for me begins. These are hard times for me and I understand your situation exactly. It's an individual decision, do what you feel comfortable with.
If I had opportunity, the timing were right (i.e. AD spouse beyond the point of being able to understand/be hurt by it,) and the right person presented himself, I'd do the same thing.
Cornelia needs some one with her pretty much all the time but she is still interested in social contact and reasonably appropriate. I am very honest and am open with Cornelia about what I am trying make happen but I worry about emotions taking over midstream in the process and losing control of staying fair to each person. I would still love to hear from someone who has actually made this work or for that matter has had things go bad.
I can't help wondering what type of woman would be interested in the relationship you want. Do you and your wife have children and what do they think (if they know)
HenryVT, if you are comfortable and can find the right companion to fill both of your needs then its a good decision for your situation. nobody here judges anyone else, as we all know it takes walking in someone elses shoes to understand their particular situation. I have no doubt if the roles were reversed in my situation, and i was the ill spouse, my DH would most DEFINATELY pursue his 'interests' outside the marriage, but as i know this to be true, i also know he like you would provide the best of care while going about his own life. i wouldnt blame him a bit and would be happy to know his life didnt end with AD. that being said, i feel men particularly may see your side of this easier than the ladies here, i for one, had a fantastic sexual relationship with my DH up until several yrs ago. it was also one of the great losses to AD in our lives. Now, that word 'consumed' comes back to mind and thats how i feel- just not enough emotional energy to participate in a new bond on top of the mental struggles at home. If i had a fulltime caregiver to shift the daily burdens of care to, or if DH was in a NH then maybe that idea would change at some point. I hope it works out for you, two persons living with AD as we know if all too confining both mentally and physically. divvi
Welcome to my website. Since this is a website devoted to spousal issues and AD, your question has come up, and we have discussed it at length many times. We make no judgments here - as long as the discussions are respectful, there is much information to be shared. I am going to direct you to previous blogs, articles, and message board topics, so you can read what others have written on this difficult topic.
Go to the home page of this website - www.thealzheimerspouse.com- and click on the "Previous Blog" section on the left. Scroll down to #134 and read Tom and Mary's story. Also, #9, 10, and 11 deal with sex and intimacy.
Also on the home page, click on Articles of Interest, and under "Love and Marriage", click on "Is it Still Adultery if It's Alzheimer's?" by Richard Address and "Intimacy, Marriage, and Alzheimer's Disease" by Rich O'Boyle.
At the top of this page, click on "search" and write in "sex" - you will see that there are 3 different discussions on the topic.
Hope this gives you some of the answers you are seeking.
Joan, You must never sleep. You are realy on top of all this. I did see the articles from you previous posts and will go to the old messages now. Thanks.
Bluedaz, Asked about children: Yes two 40ish daughters with young families. They are supportive of me and their mum but neither is lives near by. I am still in dialogue with them over the sexual partner component but although perhaps not sympathetic I think they are supportive. Time will tell. I have sent them updates and one of them put me on to this board.
Henry, it appears that you intend to keep your wife apprised of the relationship, should you find a suitable partner. I would be very concerned about that aspect of what you propose.
Your wife may appear to be supportive right now, because she loves you and wants you to be happy. I assume you feel the same way about her. I can't help but think that she is feeling terribly inadequate and worthless, because you are telling her how unhappy you are. She just isn't telling you about that aspect. And I also suspect that she is terrified that, as she gets worse and as you develop a strong relationship with someone else, that you will place her to free yourself for your new relationship.
I would think the fears and the self-denigration will get worse for her as her AD progresses and/or you actually find a new partner.
Please don't think I am sitting in judgment on you for wanting another relationship -- I'm not. I just wonder whether rubbing your wife's nose in it is a good idea. I realize you're trying to be open and honest, but in this particular case, I think that could be very harmful, even if you DON'T ever find the partner you're dreaming of.
Talking with your daughters IS a good thing -- you wouldn't want to ruin your relationship with them.
But I'd do a lot of serious thinking about what talking with your wife about this is doing to her.
Sunshyne brings up an important point. It is often hard for us to be anything other than honest, but when dealing with an AD loved one, honesty is not always the best policy. What is important is keeping your LO as calm & content as possible. We do not tell our AD mother that her mother died years ago, over and over, until she 'understands' because she never will, it will only cause her untold anguish and repeated grief. So you say, 'she's at the market, we'll see her tomorror.' Lying to an AD LO is often the kindest thing you can do.
Your dear wife is really not capable of processing all you are telling her with a clear mind. She is going to agree because she cannot express her real concerns & emotions. You yourself have said her intellectual capacity is nonexistent, there is no way she can possibly cope with all of this. It is your responsibility to make sure she always feels loved, important, and well cared for. When our little children are frightened, we say 'don't be frightened, Mommy will always be here.' That's a lie, we can't know if we will always be 'here.' We're not honest, but we are comforting, and that's more important.
I agree with bettyhere and sunshyne - telling your wife about it or trying to discuss it honestly with her is not productive and has the potential for being very hurtful. She no longer has the capacity to reason or understand - love her, care for her, make sure she is well taken care of, but do not try to bring her "opinion" or "knowledge of your situation" into it. She just isn't capable of that type of reasoning.
I know a man whose wife has been in a nursing home for a couple of years, has not recognized him for more years than that, and although he makes sure she is safe and cared for, he has a very discreet relationship with another woman.
I also agree with bettyhere, sunshyne & Joan, your wife no longer has the ability to reason or understand what you are presenting to her. Since you ask opinions, I am going to give mine. I can never see myself being in any type of relationship with another man while my husband is alive. Years ago my husband was unfaithful, I still remember the pain I felt. Even though he may not be aware of what was going on, I would. Please know I am not judging you. That is one thing that is great about this board, no one judges, this is just how I feel. This is a terrible disease that robs all our hopes & dreams.
Henry, welcome! It is so very hard the places we find ourselves in with this disease. As Joan said, this has been brought up before, It is a very personal decision.
I would say discretion is KEY. As the others have said, I would not try to convey, or even attempt to include your wife in your decision. Not only is she not able to fully understand, I can’t see how it could do anything other than hurt her. I have known people, and families on both sides. The only way I have ever seen this work, was when it was kept private. I think perhaps it is too much to expect family to not be torn. Keep posting~Nikki
I see nothing wrong with another relationship, but not adding "a third party to the relationship." You would have 2 relationships, not a 3 way relationship. I agree with all above, your wife does not have the ability to join you in this decision making process. Perhaps you were thinking that would alleviate your guilt? Probably before AD, you had an open & honest relationship, but AD changes everything. You said introducing a third party into the relationship would have to be positive for your wife, or it would be a deal breaker. She is in no position to do anything but go along. If she even understands. Are you thinking of having the 3 of you sitting around together? I would say, that would be entirely off limits.
Again, like everyone else, I am not sitting in judgement of you. I too know the loss of having those intellectual conversations. And the intimacy I have lost, because I have lost the desire for someone who does so many "crazy" things.
If you make the decision to bring someone else into your life, and I know you love your wife, I would keep your wife out of it. We had a thread here and a word was coined "midow' or "midower." A married widow or widower. Still bound by love and law, but void of all that was before.
As a "midower" you will do what you think best, and I think as long as you put your wife 1st, and no one is being hurt, enjoy your life as you wish.
I'll relate this story of our present day life. The Visiting Nurses Association has been sending a nurse or two to visit with me and M since she was discharged from the hospital several weeks ago. M had a severe urinary tract infection in July and had to be hospitalized.
I was aprehensive about having an unknown woman, the nurse, visiting me at home. How would M take this? Hostility? Jelousy? Or what? I introduced the nurse to M as a "visiting nurse." M returned a blank stare and mumbled a few words. Or sometimes she continued looking at pictures in her book. The nurse recorded M's vital signs on her laptop computer. The nurse and her female assistant talked with me right in front of M for an hour or so about the most personal things concerning M and sometimes as necessary about me. Wife M made no response. She continued looking at her book.
After the nurse left, I asked M who had been our visitor. She didn't remember that anyone had visited.
Henry I had the same problem Check Intimacy and sex on the message See what I wrote Type in Intimacy and sex and go to search Good Luck I am real happy now and I am able to take care of my wife better.
Once again thanks for all the input. It is that death spiral form previous blogs 134 that I am trying to head off.
I have always been open with my wife so it does not come naturally to hide things from her but I will definitely work on that new way of thinking. I think the issue of avoiding making her feel inadequate is very well taken. I do still tell her that her mother has been dead for 14 years when she is asking to see her… that has been going on for two years or so. Also a good deal of the time she also thinks I am her father now dead 30 years. Giving a reality check does seem to help and the information sticks some of the time but perhaps I am not thinking of what it does to her sense of inadequacy. Some years ago my 85 year old mother suffered a psychotic break. She had all sorts of delusions that my brother and I danced around at first did not confront her with the unreality of it all, then we did and it helped her but she did not have a high degree of dementia. Hearing what you have to say and getting further feedback from the females in my life and on this blog (the mails thought what I was planning made sense) I am pulling back from my effort to introduce a third partner into our household. I am not sure I have abandoned it just trying to reconsider all the ramifications. I know that I need to satisfy my life needs and am not sure whether that can be done with an intellectual partner and no sexual one or not. Even the intellectual partner leaves my AD wife out of the attention stream but I definitely feel like life is not worth living with out being able to anticipate the blooming of ideas, project and human relationships. I do give her hugs and back rubs and will be sure to do even more touching now that it has been pointed out to me on old blogs 9,10 and 11. We do get as much music as we can (2-4 happenings a week). She can sing way better than she can talk and she enjoys it. I am exploring the state of Vermont’s new fanatical aid program designed to keep people out of nursing homes with out bankrupting them. If I can get some help I will be able to get some more activates built into her life and time off for my live.
Since you asked, and mentioned some things, I'm going to chime in.
Basically what generally works with a patient at your wife's stage is not to try to orient her into reality. Every time you tell her that her mother is dead she is hearing it for the first time with all of the sadness that comes from discovering that. There comes a time when you just have to lie because that is the only thing that is kind. Tell her that her mother is shopping or visiting another relative out of town. If she has reached the point where she thinks you are her father, be her father for that part of the conversation.
My husband didn't know who I was once. He occasionally doesn't realize that I've been in the next room. I've got some idea of how devastating that is. But I'm not experiencing it every day.
I didn't realize you intended to bring the third person into your home. Frankly, even if you weren't planning on a sexual relationship with that person, it almost certainly would cause your wife to be upset and sad. Just having someone new there can be a problem as C described when the visiting nurse came to visit his wife.
I understand your need for a life if you are going to survive this disease. In general caregivers are as much at risk as the patients are because we all go into emergency mode when it starts and no one can put their lives on hold for decades and survive the stress. So, as you have discovered, none of us are beating on you about your need for a real live person in your life to share life's joys with. But a lot of us have some problems with the practicalities of a third person in the house, not just for your wife, but also for both yourself and that third person. If you choose to do this make it a part of your life that has nothing to do with dementia by doing it anywhere else. It will be better for all of you.
Do look into getting some help. At the stage your wife is in activities for her are not very likely or even useful, but YOU need respite time, so do it for you.
Starling, I couldn't agree more with this statement "If you choose to do this make it a part of your life that has nothing to do with dementia by doing it anywhere else." ............The home, an Alzheimer’s spouses safe haven, just isn’t the place. IMHO The other thing I have been thinking about, from the people I personally know..... though your children may seem to be supportive, it has to be hard on them. Of course they love you and want you happy. but, it cant help but effect them knowing. They love their mom too, it must be hard trying to split their loyalties this way. I still think discretion is key. ~Nikki
Henry, just to be sure we're clear here ... I think very few of us would argue with whether someone in your position might need companionship, including physical intimacy as well as intellectual stimulation. Only you know what needs and desires you have.
I understand all too well how difficult it is to being used to sharing everything with your spouse, and now be unable to do that any more. I'm trying very hard to learn to keep quiet about some of the bad things that are going on, when talking with my husband. That is especially difficult at his stage in the AD progression, since he can sometimes still offer very helpful advice. However, I've been discovering that some things are scaring him, making him feel helpless, where they never did before.
Yes, any time you spend with someone else "leaves your AD wife out of the attention stream," that's very true. But none of us would tell you that you must be with her 24/7. All of us would agree that you MUST have "you time", including time by yourself, time with family, time with friends. What those friendships might encompass is up to you. The main question is how best to fit "you time" into your days, and find a way to be discrete about any close relationship with another woman, so your wife still feels safe and loved. We all hope you can find financial support, so you can afford the respite that you need.
I believe Starling made a very good point, when she questioned how much good activities are doing your wife at this stage. Music is certainly very beneficial at any stage, ditto expressing your love by bringing her little treats, giving her a massage, holding her hand, putting lotion on her to keep her skin moist, telling her you love her, taking her outside for sunshine and flowers, etc. Keeping her busy all the time, that might just exhaust her.
If you haven't yet read the article "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller, you might find it very helpful, for understanding what is going on in your wife's mind, and how best to communicate with her. Joan put a link to it on the home page.
Somehow, we all need to do a couple of things for ourselves every day. We need to allow ourselves to be outside that attention stream for anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. And we need to do something for ourselves, just for us.
My wife was diagnosed 11 years ago at age 50.I took care of her at home for 8 yrs and then reluctantly placed her in nh.She needs 100% care[veg state].I go 2 times a day to visit.I will always know who she is.That being said, allow me to share my feelings and thoughts on seeking companionship.I often feel a great need for intimacy and social interaction,but each time I take a step in that direction, something holds me back.I do know this,when that time comes,my wife will always be my wife.I would not approach your situation as a 3 person involvement. With respect and love you should not flaunt your outside companionship.My wife and I had a wonderful relationship, we were of 1 heart.If it were I who had the ad,Then my wishes would be that my wife have intimacy continue in her life.I support your seeking what you need to have a full life, but with discretion and understanding that you still have a wife.Good luck for both you and your wife.Our 3 grown sons have encouraged me to discreetly have a life.Its easy to say, so hard to do.I always have tried to adhere to my firm conviction that when someone needs you--be there for them----and stay!Whatever you decide you have my support.
Hi! and welcome to the family. It's nice to see more men posting. The guys who have been active -- Marsh, Trisinger, Tony, C, DickS, baltobob, Dandee, dwgriff, skee, orb, Dave S, Watchman, Duane, Charles, iggy -- have offered us unique perspectives, which we really appreciate.
I'm so sorry you've had such a long and rough road with your wife. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to help you.
This guy has been involved with alz assoc for years.Contrary to what may be thought, that men don't stick around when illness strikes ,it has been my experience to the opposite. At least not the men I know and associate with.In fact I've heard quite often "we would carry our wives on our backs for eternity if we had to"
Yeah, but you guys don't post on discussion forums very often ... ! :-)
I would never have thought that men would be more likely to bail out when trouble strikes. Maybe that's because my father adored my mother, and did everything he could to care for her throughout her illness.
I wanted to follow up with an update for those who have followed this thread, Taking about my plans here, with friends, with my children and with my near by brother and sister-in-law has been very usefull. My daughters think that one, Cornelia will need more and more hands on care as time goes on and getting help specifically for that is best and two: one daughter is worried that a third person might drive a wedge between me and my children. Both are recommending compartmentalization. Friends think that I might be able to pull off the threesome relationship and most importantly are supportive of me and the near by brother and sister-in-law came up with an offer to take Cornelia for an extended period of time once a moth or so as well as having her for short breaks in-between. All this was precipitated by my making a plan and then running it by others.
As for my own needs, I have always had a complete relationship with my spouse. That means we lived life in all ways together including smelling the roses together, making decisions together, exploring intellectual concepts together, even finishing one another’s sentences for each other, running out business together, enjoying spatiality together etc. Most of that functional ability is now gone and I am hearing loud and clear that I must compartmentalize the inputs and support mechanisms of my and Cornelia’s life. This will not be easy but it far better than doing nothing and allows me to support Cornelia as best I can.
Other resources: The Vermont Council On the Aging is the administrative agency for federal help for nursing care and home care. They have offered to meet with us to see whether a new program that is designed to keep people out of nursing homes would apply to us even though I have more capital than Medicaid allows in order to qualify. Historically couples have had to exhaust all their resources before getting any substantial help. The out come has been for one care recipient to pass away and leave the caregiver impoverished and almost directly a second nursing home patient. The new program attempts to avoid driving the caregiver off the deep end. Time will tell. I think this has been an identified problem for quite some time and they continue to wrestle with a solution. I will post if I come up with something usefull. Thanks for all your inputs.
I have been taking it for granted that if I ever had to place my husband they would be placing me as well almost immediately. It would be nice if someone noticed.
My friend's husband had AD. She had to have surgery and he was placed in a NH until she recouperated. Well, she never did get strong enough to lift him and care for him physically. She went on medicaid. He passed 8 months later. A couple of years later, she sold her home. The Govt subtracted what she owed for medicaid and she got the rest. Fortunately, he was only there for 8 months racking up a bill. She didn't have anything to amount to anything and the residuals from the sale of the house is what she has now plus her SS. She's 90 this year. Seems sad that a person has to be almost impoverished before there's any help available. I understand NH care can be as high as $70-80K a year now. If my DH had to go into a NH, we'd be wiped out quickly.
I wish you well Henry. It sounds like you've had a wonderful marriage. And, both of you can be happy and take credit for that. I'm sorry you're going through these trying times and pray you will be able to satisfy your needs and hers now.
Mawzy, an Elder Law Attorney can help you set it up so Medicaid will pay for the NH. I don't know where you are and what the lawyer would charge but the one we have isn't cheap. I have put the savings in my name only and the CD that way Medicaid won't touch either one. I had to leave the checking in both our names because that's where Mac's retirement goes. His assets cannot be more than $2,000.00 for MA to pay for the nursing home but if I understood our lawyer SC would allow me a certain amount each month from Mac's retirement. One thing that was a big surprise...Mac's life insurance....I would get to keep $1,500.00 of it!!!!! Medicaid would take the rest. BTW I have to get the deed to our condo put in my name only.
I don't know if this is any helpto you or what the MA laws are in your state but it might be worth the time to check it out.
NO ONE should ever question what you do in your relationships until they have walked in your shoes. I wouldn't "add" a third person because that makes it sound like a triangle, which I'm sure is not what you mean.
My husband is 14 years older than me and has been sick 8 1/2 years. He is in the last stages of AD, and 2 years ago also had a stroke. He's been in a care home for a year. He hasn't talked since the stroke. There is NO relationship with him and the man I knew and loved is gone. I see him several times a week, even though family and friends are always telling me not to, as it is so hard on me.
6 months ago, a gentleman from my church started calling me. We go places together and have gotten very well acquainted. We want a future together, but are trying very hard to keep it on a "friendship" basis until my husband is deceased. My children and my siblings all know about him and most of them have met him. They are supportive in my "friendship", but would have a real problem if that friendship took a sexual twist.
But you have to make your own decision. I fully understand how you feel. Only thing I would caution is have the relationship with the new person in your life because you truly care about her - don't just have a sexual relationship just for the sex.
Speaking from my experience, it is wonderful to have someone you can talk to, go places with, and yes, get wonderful hugs from. When I go see my husband, I have no feelings of guilt, because the man I knew and loved is gone. I'm really glad to see someone address this issue. Best wishes to you.
I would consider doing exactly what you are doing (having a friendship with another man) when my husband gets to the point of going into a nursing home. He is in stage 5 now. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a normal conversation with a man and actually be able to go places without having to worry about constantly being embarrassed or having to watch him like a toddler. I just retired and turned 55 on 11/14 and I still feel like there is so much more life to live. I remember seeing a Judi from Ione, CA. Is that you? I live in Pilot Hill, CA not too far from you. Joan has my e-mail if you would like to get in touch.
I wish i had the energy to muster a third relationship:) the loss of a early yrs relationship touches many losses not only mental ones. I have no qualms about what anyone does in their private life. in my case, i couldnt fathom having the mental energy to sustain a normal persons interest at this point of so many yrs of isolated caregiving. in my own way i have adjusted and i think god willing i may have a life after AD at some point. i am 56yr and also feel the disease took alot of my best yrs and of course his and ours together. for some purpose i have been thrown into this ordeal and i will try to get thru it and hopefully after all is said and done know i did my best and then can move on if possible. it could take a long time- even yrs after the end- my core will mourn my DH forever. i dont know if someone else would be able to accept that or if i would have enough room left in my heart for another. its surely isnt something i want to contemplate at this point. divvi
We're all glued together differently ... physically, mentally, emotionally, spirtually, etc. Our marriages were all different ...great, not so great, terrible. Everything in life evolves. I would say, "Do whatever keeps you going." I just worry about my DW outliving me. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm being sucked into the abyss along with her. I just want to make sure that my children (23 and 17) can lead their own lives. (DW has no other living family members.)
I hear you Iggy. I also worry about DH outliving me, for the same reason. I don't want to ruin their lives taking care of us. Sinking into the abyss really applies to we caregivers.
Yes, iggy and Imohr ..... statistically, I understand it is often the care giver who passes before the patient ...... sad isn't it !
I, like divvi, choose to close my eyes to what others do with their personal lives just as long as they don't drag me into what ever they do :) I also can't picture a new marital/sexual relationship post AD .... I've had 47 years of happiness and contentment ... what more can one ask for? Anyway I've got lots of other things I'd like to do, before I close my eyes, other than start washing men's sox and underwear again :)
Me too, Bar-bra. I can't see taking care of anyone else after this. My husband's aunt who was widdowed found a man friend to go places with but when she was asked about getting married again, she said "No, I'd rather be someone's darling than someone's slave." She had a good time just spending time with this friend for several years.
When I worked in the deans' offices at Brown, every now and again we'd have a student come in who'd had a parent die. We'd give them excuses for exams of course, and a listening ear, and they'd often come check back again and again with our offices. Within a year or two, the fathers had almost always remarried. The wives almost always had NOT.
I think it's harder for men to adjust to losing a spouse - either fully or to a facility - than for women to, because women have accepted, for the most part, that they are caregivers, and have been so with kids, with making dinner, etc - and it may be harder also for women with AZ to accept having a caregiver come into THEIR house. But having gotten free of a relationship which often was difficult, though loving, they want respite!! Find a friend, of course, but MARRY again? H.. NO!!
I know a couple of you are dealing with a spouse with AZ after having cared for an earlier spouse who died of cancer.. it must be awfully hard!
I think you are right briegull, but a friend would be great. But, there are a lot more single women in our age bracket then elgible men. That would be another reason for men remarrying but I think the biggest single issue is men can't handle being alone.
A friend of mine once said if something happened to her, her husband would have another women within 2 weeks. Most men like having someone to take care of them. (no offense men) The men on this site are biting the bullet and digging in to take care of DW and I think that is great. Hats off to them.
Dazed said: <<We have some very caring men on this site. Wish we could hear more of their side in these discussions. >>
O.K., you got it. My DW is at about stage 6c at this point, and I've been "washing the socks and underwear" (and everything else, as well as doing all the cooking, housekeeping, banking, etc.) for several years now, on top of trying to keep up with my "regular" men's responsibilities of lawnmowing, keeping things working around the house, etc., and even trying to maintain some semblance of our former social life and hobby activities in an effort to keep my DW "engaged" and me sane. But I've got broad shoulders and have been managing all that just fine, with not much resentment or feeling sorry for myself, but I will have to admit that I'm beginning to get as bored as hell and lonesome with no real partner anymore to "share" my daily life experiences and memories with. And contrary to what many of you ladies seem to think, it's not all about sex -- that hasn't been a very important issue in our lives for quite some time now. Some of you may recall Nancy Reagan's comments, as Ronnie slowly drifted away into AD land: she said something to the effect that as couples get older, about the only thing they've really got left are shared memories, and it's painful and lonely to no longer be able to share those memories with anyone. (She said it a lot better than that.)
Our son asked me recently if I'd wish to live alone if and when my DW and his DM is no longer around, and it only took me about a microsecond to say, "No way!" -- which I'm sure is the response he expected. It's something that my DW and I had discussed long ago -- that both of us would wish and expect the other to remarry if left alone. There are wonderful new RV travel adventures to look forward to, and favorite camping destinations "out west" to revisit, and I'd even be willing to continue "washing the socks and underwear" if neccessary in order to have a female friend/partner to share my remaining "golden years" with -- married or otherwise. As a matter of fact, I've even got a couple of candidates in mind -- one a recently-widowed family friend with whom we raised our kids together and maintained close contact over the years (and who has been my acknowledged "second best sweetheart" for about 55 years now), and the other would be my DW's younger sister, whose husband is presently dealing with serious cancer issues -- both of these beautiful ladies have in common that I already love them dearly and we'd already have memories to share. Is it bad of me to be thinking ahead like this? I personally don't think so -- there's little else to look forward to as we plod along on this AD journey, and I believe that one really needs something to look forward to beyond just the ultimate release from AD caretaker responsibilities.
Gourdchipper, no, it isn't wrong to look forward to what I tend to think of as AFTER. I'm becoming convinced that the caregivers who survive this disease are the ones who know that there will be an AFTER and have even thought about it. When I set something aside for now I think about if I would do it if I was free to do it, or is it something that I wouldn't do anyway. There are some things I know I probably won't do anyway, like long distance travelling, because I wouldn't want to do it alone. But there are others, like trips around hobbies and interests, that I probably would do anyway, and probably will do AFTER.
And I agree that knowing this is one of the things keeping me sane.
I had planned to reply to this thread, but Gourdchipper beat me to the punch. My situation is very similar to his - wife in stage 6, I do all laundry, cleaning, cooking, banking, etc. I agree one of the most difficult things is the inability to share memories and experiences. On another thread I told about our attending the Poinsettia Ball on Saturday. Today (Monday) she has almost no recollection of it.
But I don't know if I would consider re-marrying. I, also, have a female friend whose husband died a few years ago. I considered him to be the brother I never had. We have been friends for 55 years. Someone mentioned a few months ago that I might consider marrying her, but my daughter said it would not work since I would consider her more of a sister. In any event, I don't see us living together or marrying, but I could see us going on long trips together, and possibly getting together with both families (our kids are close friends). Although I do sometimes wonder what life will be like without my wife, most of the time I am trying to enjoy what little we can do together now.
All I've really thought about is how I wish I had someone to share some of the great things with that have happened in our lives the last 8 years. Though DW's health has made things very difficult, there have been some good things regarding work, grandchild and extensive travel. I've worked for same company for 27 years. Not only does she not know who I work for but has no idea what I do. The last time I took her on a trip (besides Mayo) was 3 years ago and it was an absolute disaster. It would really be nice to have someone to talk to and have fun with. Not gonna happen. I've scaled the travel way down, only 2 trips this year. Too hard being gone. Haven't thought about "after" too much.....seems too distant. There is no way I could consider another companion right now......not enough hours in a day. However, knowing how lonely this is, I certainly wouldn't begrudge anyone else who chose that direction. Thenneck
This is for Pollyp53 - You have the right Judi! I sent Joan an email for yours, but haven't heard back yet. I would love to get with you and talk - email, telephone, or even face to face! You are even younger than I am (I'm 63) and I know those feelings that there must be more to life than this. Hope to hear from you soon.
Judi, if he makes you happy, go for it. I know what my family thought of me wouldn't matter in the least. Until they walked in my shoes all these years, they have no right to judge. I would think after all your suffering they would want you to be happy!