I've been reading through one of the threads on this topic, even saw a few comments from yours truly. The problem still exists for me, I guess. I don't ask for more than the old traditional Saturday night shower...he doesn't like it, but he does it - sort of, I'm finding out. I've realized for a while now that he's not washing his hair (very short haircut), so I did get a bottle of rinseless shampoo. He didn't like that either, but he let me use it on him - once. I'm pretty sure he isn't washing his face at all, while in the shower or otherwise. He doesn't shave until it's almost unmanageable for him to try to get through. When he did decide to, a while back, he was trying to do it dry...no shaving cream! I happened to peek in the door & felt so sorry for him struggling that way. I showed him the can of shaving cream, squeezed some out in his hand & then he hesitated like he didn't know what to do with it. I talked him through it, he got the job done. Not perfectly, but who cared! Now I'm realizing that he's not doing anything more than rinsing off while in the shower...the washcloth is dry, there is no clean scent of the Irish Spring soap & he seems to be done rather quickly.
I'm at a loss. The one time I peeked inside the shower curtain to offer help getting his hair washed, I was very firmly told to "get the hell out of here"! I did.
I have no idea how to deal with this. I've told him that I would have to hire a professional person that comes into the home to help with washing, etc. He just gave me a dirty look, shook his head....& promptly forgot it.
It bothers me the most that his private areas aren't being properly cleaned. I just simply don't know what to do.
That was probably the biggest reason I hired an aide--I was going to work in the morning, and Larry would not get up until after I was gone. That's the way we always had done it, so I could have the bathroom to myself to shower and get ready for work. But I came to realize...especially when I was home on weekends and could see what was really going on--that he was not using soap, was not doing a good job of shaving, was "washing" his hair with conditioner instead of shampoo, and was pretty consistently wearing the same dirty clothes over and over. The aide was very experienced, and knew how to kind of jolly him along to get the personal care done...of course he didn't like it, but I think we told him the doctor was insisting on it, and also to just go along with it, as the aide needed the money and we didn't want her to lose her job...blah, blah, blah. We Alzheimers spouses learn to lie like rugs.
would he use an electric razor? Hb stopped using razor and shaving cream long time ago which I am glad because I don't have to worry about him cutting himself.
Sounds like an aide coming in once a week might be the answer if he won't let you help him.
Some day care facilities will (for an added fee) shower the clients. I don't remember your situation, Mim, but for you and others, this might be a help. If you have a regular barber who knows your husband, you might be able get him to wash his hair and face once a week (worth a short term try).
Two things to remember: AD patients hate water, especially on their face and head, and this stage, frustrating as it is, won't last forever.
My husband is in LTC and they only receive showers twice a week. I have an aide come in specifically to shower him more often. Consequently, he is more cooperative about the showers because they happen often enough for showers and water to be part of his routine. The other thing is that he is much more cooperative with a male aide than with me, although I fill in successfully for the aide when he is unavailable.
Before my husband got to that stage, I bought an electric shaver and started shaving him with that. I also washed his head and face after the shave. I sat him in a chair in the kitchen and acted like I was giving him a spa service. He seemed to like the attention. When we had aides, they took care of this. Every few weeks I took him to a barber, who did a professional job on his whole head. (His hairdo is called a "baldy," which says it all!) I also helped him brush his teeth, by standing next to the sink and handing him the brush and paper cup to rinse him mouth. I tried to be consistently cheerful when I did all this.
The shower was a different matter; it was very stressful - he refused to let me help him. In order to avoid confusion, I would remove everything from the shower except the bar soap, the body wash, and a washcloth. I tried to get him to shower every other day. This schedule was not really motivated my concern for cleanliness; it was because I was afraid he would become more resistant and maybe even forget how to shower if he did not do it regularly. Like the shaving, I made a point to be cheerful and friendly. (When it came to the shower, putting on this act was not easy!) I like marche's idea about having him bathed at day care if that is possible, although I would not do that when he starts day care, since you don't want him to resist going there. Also, maybe the VA would provide an aide to help him shower at home.
Just echoing what others have said about getting rid of the blade razor and shaving cream. Use the electric or a rechargeable instead. Myrtle reminded me that I also had to clear everything out of the shower except the simple basics that were needed. (Bar of soap, bottle of shampoo.)
Larry had always been super-picky about his haircuts. I would not have dreamed of trying to trim his hair. But when he couldn't get out to the barber any more, for both physical and mental reasons, I bought a Wahl clipper and started doing it myself, using the simplest instructions from the little brochure that came in the box. I used the 6,7,and 8 guides on the clippers--6 for the lowest level, 7 for the mid-head area, and 8 for the top. Trimmed up his hairline with no guard on the clippers and turning the clippers upside down, and used a good pair of haircutting scissors to do around his ears. He was very satisfied--frankly, it looked great--I was astonished at how easy it was, and I'm not a "hair" person by any means. He kept saying that we were saving a lot of money--that thought kept him very content with me as the new barber!
He had used a small pair of rounded tip scissors for years on the insides of his ears and nose...and when he couldn't take care of that any more, I got a small, battery nose and ear trimmer and de-fuzzed him the same time I did the haircut. I also very carefully trimmed his eyebrows with a comb and the haircutting scissors--took off less than I thought I needed to, figuring less was more.
I could never in a million years have visualized doing these things, but with Alzheimers ya just do what you gotta do--as most of us have found out. And it was worth it to have him looking so nice...neat and trimmed...a good-looking guy, AD or not.
Mim, forgot to say that I got the clippers from Amazon, but I'm sure Target or Walmart probably have them. I went down to Sally's (same plaza as Barnes and Noble and Target) and got a barber cape, some barber's talc, and that barber's brush to whisk the hairs off the back of his neck...after I realized that the haircutting at home was working out well. It wasn't wasted, because after he died I gave those things to DD to use on the two little boys when she did their hair. I already had haircutting scissors at home, because I trim my own bangs. They aren't salon quality, but they are OK--also got them at a Sally's, in New York.
Toenails started to be an issue, although for a long time I could just trim them for him with small scissors. Toward the end, In Ohio, I just could not get them right. He got an infected sore on his toe the month before he died, and when the podiatrist made a house call to take a look and prescribe an antibiotic, I had him do the toenails--and would have continued that if Larry had lived longer. He did a much better job than I did, and Larry died with his toes looking great!
I do have hair clippers, but he still goes to the barber (when I just take him instead of talking about it!). His toenails are done by the podiatrist, there's no way I could take care of those. I think I shared somewhere here (maybe) about helping him trim his fingernails...he wasn't going to allow me as he wasn't a "pansy" (has a very skewed idea about what being a man is & a woman doing personal things for him). When I brought his LONG fingernails to his attention & called him Nancy, we got his nails cut! He will never allow me to help with his teeth or shaving, no matter the method. He does not want me to touch him at all, in any way it seems. If I even try to hug him, he stiffens up & doesn't respond. I do help with his shoes (he even has a hard time with the velcro closings), help with putting his jacket on him...he seems to recognize that he needs help with those things.
I do have him re-registered with the VA, have called the daycare, but no return call yet. I know they will supply an aide under certain circumstances, when they need help with showering, dressing, etc. He might qualify, I will check on it. Boy, I don't even want to think about the reaction to that!!
I will try to keep on this, as I just can't take this stuff...I need a day or two to myself (a week?), need to take care of things like this. I think I drag my heels so much because I simply dread the consequences! The "after mood", the sulking, the possible anger...I become anxious just thinking about it.
I was thinking this morning (that in itself is a wonder!!) that it's really difficult for me to feel much compassion or love for someone who won't let me in so to speak. I think I'm just a familiar face who's been around for almost 50 years (this July), who has always done things for him, but that he never recognized because that "was my job". If anyone wants to see fire in my eyes, just tell me that! Anyway, need to get his meds for him & tell him to brush his teeth, which will take about 30 seconds.
Elizabeth, you're funny - Larry died with great looking toenails! :)
Speaking of nails, Larry had always done his own fingernails, of course. Used to sort of mindlessly file them with emery boards while watching TV. He had sort of a "junk" drawer in the end table next to his TV chair--had his pipe cleaning supplies in there, a Swiss Army knife, pencils for his crossword, etc. And there were a bunch of emery boards in there that we both used. When he started forgetting to do it, which I think looking back would have been during the last year of his life, he didn't mind me doing it for him, as long as I didn't take too long.
I'm trying to remember when and how things changed, from Larry being a very meticulous and perfectly-groomed man who would not have even considered letting me do those things for him...to when he started to accept the aide...to when he started to accept me, when we didn't have the aide anymore. And how all that worked. Making comments about saving money helped..."Good grief, why should we pay the aide $25 per hour when I can do the same things for free?" This was after we moved to Ohio. (And we never paid the aide $25 per hour btw--another lie I used to tell just to get him to let me do things.) I used to sneak around and confiscate his dirty clothes, so he couldn't put them back on...but I had to be quick. He did get mad about that...insisted that he did not wear dirty clothes, and that what was in his closet was clean. (Not so.) And as always, making the doctor the bad guy--"Yeah, I know, but this is what the doctor said to do." "Yeah, I know, but I don't want to get the doctor ticked off." Etc., etc.
If the planets just won't line up to where Dan will let you do things, I would just try to see if you can get some VA-billed aide hours. Even if he only gets a shower once a week..well, hey...historically people didn't even bathe that often. And try to get him into the VA-billed day program, so you can get a break. Remember, the doctor says he has to do that. : D
Another good line to use is the "Rainy day" line: "You have worked and saved all your life for a rainy day. Well, it's raining."
An AD client might not comprehend that one (I guess it requires a little abstract thinking), but the "You worked all your life..." line can be helpful, as in, "Oh come on. You worked your whole life...you might as well get something out of it." Or, "You worked your whole life...now you should be taking advantage of what you worked for!"
Or sometimes you can invoke the "paying taxes" arguments. "Look, we didn't make these government rules, but we might as well take advantage of them. This is why you paid all those taxes all those years!"
"You might as well get something back for all those taxes you paid over the years. " Etc., etc.
Mim, You are in a tough situation. Bathing someone who resists is not easy. At the veteran's home where my husband is, it often takes 2 aides to bathe a patient and sometimes they have to give up. Since Dan's concept of manhood is tied up with not being helped with personal things, you are dealing with more than just the disease. Sometimes people do better being cared for by people who they are not close to. He might feel less emasculated if it were someone else (not his wife) who was helping him with these things. But unfortunately, you're the only one available.
About the clean clothes. My husband always woke up before I did and got fully dressed before he went downstairs to make the coffee. When his disease started advancing, I decided to take charge of the clothing. He slept in his skivvies, so I made sure he changed into a fresh pair before bed. Before I went to bed each night, I laid out his other clothes on a straight chair next to the closet. I even threaded his belt through the loops on his slacks. I did not say anything about it - I just did it. In the morning, he saw the clothes that were on the chair and put them on. (I'm not sure if he knew I was the one who put them there.) I rarely had the problem of his wearing dirty or mismatched clothes.
The dirty clothes aren't too much of a problem yet...of course, I do try to do my part in that! I figured if he won't shower, I can at least keep him in clean clothes.
I have calls into the VA again, about Aid & Attendance, the podiatry dept. & the VA daycare center...waiting for return calls.
A number of months ago our aide (4 hours a week) asked me if Lisa was doing ok in the shower? I said yes she showers just about everyday. She said yes but do you know what she does in there? I said no. Well it became apparent that things were not getting done. Noticed her underwear was getting soiled and she was not cleaning properly after a bowel movement then Lisa asked what the brown mark was on her towel. So had to have the conversation about cleaning properly after using the toilet and had to show her what to do in the shower. Now monitor and help out in the shower sometimes doing it for her she is fairly accepting of this. Awhile ago she starting going into (the pool). This is what she calls the bathtub, In hindsight I think it was because she was having trouble using the shower. We are doing ok like this right now with me helping
Another one about a year ago she asked what the razors were for and then what she was to shave. She started shaving her vagina. I told her her legs and underarms and help her at times right now she seems to be doing it just fine but she keeps shaving her vagina go figure. Oh well there could be worst things. Thinking however that her using her razor in the shower or in (the pool) will have to stop soon. The other day she asked again then went down to start shaving on her toes just going to become too dangerous.
Also need to help with dressing zippers a real problem when it comes to coats. I also thought there was a 50% chance that things would get put on properly but then quickly realized it was about a 25% chance. It can either be inside out, backwards, inside out and backwards or it could be right.
Doesn't Brush her hair anymore so I do it. Took her to get teeth cleaned last week and hygienist asked if I was reminding her to brush. Said yes but Will have to do a better job of staying on top of it.
How life has changed who would have thought! Lisa was always very meticulous well dressed and top of everything she taught me a great deal. She would be totally horrified at the current state of affairs.
Wasn't it divvi who used to use bribes, like chocolates, to get her husband to shower? And it seems like there were others who actually joined their spouses in the shower and made something of a fun game out of it?
Our shower head is on a long hose that reaches almost to the floor. When I realized Ron wasn't doing anything in the shower, (the washcloth was dry and his face and feet were getting scaly) I put the hose down low and offered to wash his feet. He let me and I just worked my way up his body. He gave me an argument and said he could do it himself but I kidded him saying it was a luxury. After a few times he didn't argue and let me do it.
I know that we all consider bathing or showering very important. But I can still remember a time during world war two....stationed on Amchitka in the Aleutian chain when we went all winter long without a shower or even changing our long johns. It was all we could do to survive.
Now, It's a different story, especially when my dear Helen became incontinent. If I could get her into the shower all she would do was stand away from the water and wash the shower walls with the wash cloth. So I would get into the shower with her and direct the water upon her and she would yell at me .... "Stop that....you're getting me all wet"
Later, a hospice helper would come twice a week and put a plastic sheet on the carpet for Helen to stand on while the helper bathed her Using a wash cloth and a small tub of water. But she put up a battle even with this.
Still later...... in the long term care facility.... twice a week they would strap her into a shower chair and wheel her into a special shower room and bathe her in the chair.
They say that what accumulates on a persons body over time is not poisonous and I learned that a little deodorant and cologne helped a lot. I consoled myself with the thought that my dear Helen seemed to be happy with no showers. But I still had a difficult time with it.
Learned one disadvantage of showers. My wife fell in the shower a week ago. She felt faint and then fell (I guess no thought of reaching for the grab bars). 9 stitches, overnight in ER. Been weaker for a week but other no additional symptoms. So there are worse things than not taking a shower.
But different people work with different approaches. This is because there doesn't seem to be a universal reason for avoiding showers. Some suggestions:
1) Bath instead of shower. Some hate the feel of water hitting their face and/or body
2) Warm up the bathroom before the shower (some times the cold is the problem)
3) Make sure water is warm before they step into the shower.
I know many women will disagree with me here, but women shaving would be the least of my worries. As we age, for many of us it is so light you can hardly see it. I won't see any on mine and then one day the light hits a hair on my legs and I see it is at least an inch long. Shaving legs and armpits are more for vanity than for health.
Rona, I think you ought to take the razor our of the shower. If your wife wants to have her legs shaved, ask the aide to do that with an electric shaver whenever she comes over. The tub sounds like a good idea as long as you are there. I think the shower can be frightening to some people.
Also, IMO, it is a waste of time to remind people at this stage to do something like brush their teeth - you actually have to help them do it. When my husband was at this stage, I insisted on helping him brush his teeth once a day before bed on the theory that the bacteria would at least be removed from his teeth for 8 hours straight. I let him do it (or not do it) on his own the rest of the time.
Rona a friend told me that he had his ladies hair styled into a nice easy care short cut. She loved having it done and for now that helps. Have you thought about putting a razor with no blade in the shower for her to use? No chance of cuts that way. How are you doing? This takes a tole on us no matter if they are at home or in LTC
Doing ok Jazzy thanks for asking. As mentioned the fact that I have made the decision to place has lifted a weight of my shoulders as I have a direction. Not looking forward to the process and I know will have a lot of tears and upset but deep down know it has to be. Lisa most times is not difficult right now have music on and she is dancing around the house. Her common saying is be happy! The thought of placement is so hard as she still has a lot of life in her, wants to dance wants to have people over for dinner, wants to go out for dinner. We keep going but so hard.
Last Friday we went to a local spot for dinner as we were leaving This couple started talking to us, had talked to them briefly before they have just moved in near us and mentioned how difficult it was to meet new people. I knew Lisa was standing there not having a clue and when she trys to have a conversation i cringe as most times it makes no sense usually what comes out is just be happy. I know people think she just has had too much to drink. Before would have had a conversation and got to know the people but I just backed away. Just the way it is. I am trying to keep her happy!
Rona, I know the feeling. Art is very friendly, always has been. But, the things he says often is off the wall or he repeats questions or statements. To be honest it embarrassing even though most know he has dementia and they just let it go.
It is fine with people we know they are all very understanding and do not worry. We have always been very upfront with our friends but when it is casual people? Sometimes seems right to just lay it our there and other times not. She keeps saying she is still a person and can do what she wants to do so if she feels she is doing fine why cut her off at the knees let her try. I don't know.
I think the couple that spoke with you in the restaurant would appreciate it if you found a way to let them know what the situation is. It is hard to make new friends, and, not knowing, they may be wondering what's wrong with them that you don't follow up on their efforts to make contact. I'm just trying to give a view from the other side. They might turn out to be friends after all.
Yes I had thought of that and felt bad about it. walk by their house all the time if I see them was going to talk them. Just awkward at times like that. Don't want to just say hi this is my wife Lisa she has alz, but usually let people know as it becomes obvious. I found people are mainly good with it And far less stressful when people know. If they aren't good with it then don't need to spend any time with them.
We are lucky we have a number of friends, unfortunately not many close to where we live, who have all been supportive and have not run the other way. We still get together when we can. Our neighbours here as well all know, even if we haven't told them through word of mouth they know and are always asking how Lisa is doing and offer to help.
Rona, some caregivers have solved the problem of discreetly letting others know of their spouse's condition by carrying small cards (think business cards) explaining the situation.
CG is right about the cards. I must have gone through a deck. I found most people understand dementia and don't make a fuss. This might be considered inappropriate for this site but I still think it's funny. I met a repairman in our driveway to explain about Bill's dementia. The young man said his grandfather had AD and he understood. Then he asked-he's not going to whip "it" out and wiggle it is he?
Well, the wording is kind of humorous ("whip it out and wiggle it") but I would be put off by this, not because it refers to a sex organ but because it is so disrespectful. I wonder if the repairman's grandfather exposes himself - I would have asked him - or if the repairman just wanted an excuse to talk dirty.
I'll take that in a completely different direction. I once lost a promotion because I mooned a double decker Amtrac train in front of about 400 of my coworkers on a rafting trip just outside Aspen. My would have been boss turned to me in the breakfast line the next morning and said he would have thought I'd know better than that. "Does this mean I don't have the job?" I wanted to ask him that really badly. And I didn't. I never could hold my liquor.
It turns out 'mooning' is a regional thing and some parts of the country had never heard of it. They must have wondered.
You would think that would have cured me but it didn't. We had the two lifelong couples friends over in 2007 before diagnosis and when Dianne was quite 'normal'. They were early and I was taking a shower downstairs. I only took a towel with me and heard them in the living room on the way up. Instead of sneaking upstairs, I started drying my hair and walked in saying loudly that I was glad they could come and I would be out shortly but I was already out shortly. I turned and went upstairs to screams of laughter. They'd seen it before.
I'm glad the thing we don't mention (wiggly) came up (as opposed to out) because Dianne was laughing hard too. I turned to look as I turned the corner and they were all roaring. See? Something good came out of this. I remember her laughing.
bluedaze*, Don't be sorry you posted - the mistake was mine. It never occurred to me the man was speaking seriously.
Has anyone noticed that I have a tendency to misinterpret whether things are said seriously or in jest? In this case, I interpreted what was written as being intended as a joke but in a previous instance, I interpreted something Wolf said as serious, although it was meant to be humorous. This does not happen to me in person but I guess in reading what Is written, I am "tone deaf."
Wolf, I dare not even attempt to comment about your stories.
Well, I remember that. It was exactly how you said it. It was directly from that I told you I had your back or your wing - I forget which part I had. I think you said you work in the legal profession and I suspect literal thinking is a real asset there.
Now in fairness I did have a still showering topic; but, a little humour is always best tinged in truth and one of my heartaches is remembering how I struggled to keep Dianne showering and what a tender and tortured dance that was for some time. And because I was a goof just then, I also really do now see them roaring with Dianne because I shocked everybody walking in like that when Alzheimer's wasn't even a twinkle in anyone's eye. She already had it but nobody knew. Oh happy days.
I enjoy the discourse on this website, with all the advice and support, and with a real nitty-gritty feel to the things we have to deal with and need help with. This site is not for wimps, that's for sure. If people get a little crazy with the loopiness or silliness, my feeling is that they're just blowing off steam in a comfortable place with people who understand.
Is there any other website in the world where a person would admit they walked stark naked across their living room in front of company? Good Lord. And I love the mental picture of Dianne laughing. That one is a keeper.
Myrtle, you just keep those comments coming. If we feel we or you have misinterpreted something, I'm sure we will sort it out.