Thanks for your comments, Elizabeth. Believe me, I am trying. I believe, in my heart, that when we get to the truth, no matter what - and I do believe they owe me that - that I can let go. It has been more than 6 months now, and trying to get the answers has been so difficult - nobody wants to own up, but I feel a tremendous responsibility to make them do so ... not only for Rene ... it would be his last gift to the remaining residents. Not being melodramatic ... just what I feel is right.
Thank you Marg. You making it clear you did not need to see the names, just the report and actions taken should count for something in them being more willing.
Thanks for the update, Marg. To my mind, you have made all the right choices in pursuing this so hopefully there will be a clear and final outcome soon. But as Elizabeth says, take care. cassie.
Thanks for the update. I agree with cassie* about the choices you have made but am not as confident that these bureaucrats will deliver. We shall see. Many of are rooting for you.
Got an email from the Detective this morning. They are wrapping things up, but have to speak with the Divisional Superintendent before meeting with me. He'll phone Monday to arrange a meeting time. Fingers crossed they can give me something.
The following was reported tonight in the London Free Press. However, the reporter emailed me earlier, and I was not at my computer, so I don't know if he received my email in response to the notice in the paper.
I had a visit today from Detective Cam Halliday regarding the Police investigation into the inquiry, by me, of the videotaping of my husband Rene in the shower.
Detective Halliday listened while I explained my reasons for concern and my fear of Rene being humiliated or disrespected; then he told me what their findings were. He said he and Detective Sean Travis interviewed, in some detail, the PSW accused of videotaping Rene in the shower room, and the PSW who reported it.
The story from the PSW who did the videotaping was that it happened months before Rene’s passing. She was showering him and singing to him, and it appeared to her that he had a ‘breakthrough moment’ when he seemed to be ‘present’ and was happy. She, on the spur of the moment, videotaped it, because she liked him, and it seemed like a ‘breakthrough’ for him, with no malice intended.
The Detective said that he felt the PSW really cared about Rene, and, after his passing the staff were saying how sad it was that he was gone. He said that the PSW spoke with another PSW, saying, “I’m glad I have a memory of him”, and showed the video, which was on her phone, and she had forgotten about taking. (She said it was never copied or distributed – it just remained on her cell phone.) The witnessing PSW also meant no harm, but after 5 days reported it because the rules were that no videotaping was allowed, and she felt conflicted.
Detective Halliday said he believes both PSWs, and felt that they meant no harm at all to Rene – in fact they were fond of him. There will therefore be no criminal charges filed. He said the videotape was taken, but it was an old phone, and they were able only to recover one very brief flash at the beginning to the tape, which he believes verifies what the PSWs said.
I am very sorry that the PSW lost her job over this, but perhaps it will remind others to be very careful of the privacy and dignity of these vulnerable folks. I hope that PSW will contact me, so we can talk.
Since the conversation with the Detective I have thought over this matter, and while, with all my heart, I sincerely want to believe, I would like to speak with the PSW who did the videotaping, face-to-face. If she is sincere and regrets her action, the meeting would be confidential, and I would never release her name, but I would then be able to gauge the veracity of what has been reported.
If this had been handled differently by the Legal Department there would not have been all this anguish and stress. My reputation with Dearness was, I believe, very good, and I believe I was always fair and reasonable. If I could have sat down and discussed this with staff and the PSW involved it would have saved more than six months of stress and difficulty for all parties. But the Legal Department would not allow that.
To leave so many questions unanswered was to leave me guessing and wondering about the videotape, and their silence was deafening.
I will add that the Detective told me that the PSW said she wished she had been able to speak with me, but it was not allowed. She was only afraid that I would give her name, which I never would if I gave my word.
Please let me know your comments. I really do want to see things from all sides.
I feel that, even though the PSW lost her job, it could be a very important point to make that videotaping of residents is not allowed, and the dignity and respect for others is extremely important.
Marg, it seems to me that if the detective investigating the incident, who has no emotional investment in the outcome, feels that no harm or disrespect of your husband was intended, and none was done, then it's time to put this behind you and move on.
Your seeming insistence now on needing a face to face session with the aide comes across to me as just a butt-headed reluctance on your part to let this go -- it's standing in the way of your progressing and healing. And even if the face to face came about, who's to say that the aide was telling the truth, so maybe a polygraph test should be done, and if that turned out to show that the aide was telling the truth, then maybe the person administering the test wasn't competent, and on and on -- where would it ever end? This probably isn't what you wanted to hear after all the "amens" you've been getting from this board over the past few months. Sorry.
It IS what I wanted to hear, and after the meeting I felt much better, and that I could perhaps begin to move on; then I spoke with a close friend who told me they would not believe that; that it seemed like the aide was covering because she didn't want to be criminally charged; that the City and the Police want to put this behind them because of the publicity. (I know for sure the City wants this behind them!)
I mentioned the face-to-face because the Detective said the PSW had wanted to speak with me, and because I knew most of them so well, I would welcome that.
I know Rene would not have wanted me to be going through this. It has been so difficult to deal with on top of everything else.
Thank you for your comments. They are appreciated.
marg78*, I confess that I was amazed to hear what the detective had to say about the benign intent of the PSW. Could it be possible that a person would videotape a vulnerable person in the shower because he was happy at the time and she liked him? Then, after thinking about some of the camera-happy airheads I have met in my travels through this life, I reluctantly conceded to myself that it was possible. But I'm not sure it is true.
IMO, it's a useless exercise to insist on meeting this woman to hear her version of the incident, since her lawyer or union rep are surely advising her not to talk more about it. Even if you did meet her, what makes you think you could accurately assess her credibility? And if you decided she was not credible, you wouldn't feel any better. I think the story that she has offered is as close to an apology as you are going to get.
This is the first time I have seen a person giving their opinion being reprimanded by another caregiver on this site. This is supposed to be a safe place to go when we are hurt or scared or just need a hug. We are not here to judge or put another down. No one here is an expert on giving advise.
I just feel so sad about where this site has gone. Kindness, respect and reaching out in love is what we had here. Where did it go.
Jazzy, Since you feel so strongly about this, I have withdrawn my comment. You're right and I apologize. We should focus on the issue that marg78* has presented.
Margaret, the PSW was obviously backpedaling desperately to come up with something...anything...to make the story sound more palatable. She needs to get real--nobody takes a video of a patient in the shower because the patient looks happy and has had a flash of normality. That is great, but you don't videotape it. The only explanation I can think of is that people are so camera-happy (good term, Myrtle) with their cell phones that they'll haul them out and take a picture of anything, no matter what is going on around them. I'm thinking of people who fell off the subway platforms in NYC and others were standing there taking pictures of them instead of helping them.
Having said that, I agree with Gourdchipper 100%. There is no need for you to keep picking the scab now by trying to meet and talk to the aide--in fact, that is inappropriate in my opinion. She's been dealt with--counselled, lost her job, been interviewed by the police. It's time for you to let go now, Margaret, and move on. You have done a wonderful job for Rene--now, stop looking backward, and turn your eyes forward...for yourself and your future.
Thank you, folks, for your comments. Jazzy, I did not take it as a reprimand, but thank you. I want to get input on other folks thinking. I am too close to be objective sometimes.
The Detective went back to his office and thereafter made his report, which was given to the reporter by the Police spokesperson. I got an email to phone the reporter, but wasn't at my computer, and emailed my comments after the story came out.
At any rate, I still believe that I did the right thing in following this up, and making them investigate properly. I hope I don't sound bull-headed. I loved this man with all my heart, and I owed it to him.
The City's refusal to give me information, the 'go away and grieve' did not sit well with me, because I needed and had a right to know things had been handled properly. They were responsible for him when I wasn't there. They just wanted to bury this.
I do think that this will help ensure rules are followed, it can protect other residents, and that perhaps Police will now check and notify family when they are contacted.
I still have to file the Police FOI to get the report (blacked out), and I will still wait until I hear from the Privacy Commissioner about the Appeal of the City's ruling. They made me wait - now they can go through the steps they need.
Whatever happens from here, I will try to move on. I think Rene would want me to. I did my best.
Thank you all very much for your support and comments. It means so much - I do try to see things from the other side, even if it is totally opposite of what I have said. To me, that input is essential to try to understand other sides of a matter.
I did not mention the face-to-face - the Detective did - and right now, if the PSW calls, she calls. Otherwise I will forget it.
So, onwards we go ... I could not have reached this stage without all the support, advice, hugs and kindness of you-all.
Marg, I'm so sorry you have had to go through this experience. I've found that some things can't be fixed, and I've had to open my hand and let it, or person, go.
Thanks, Mary. I will let this go now (I will not be pro-active about the FOIs, but they were filed, and I just want to see what they come up with).
This has been such a heavy burden, but knowing in my heart that I did the very best I could for him, I can now turn my thoughts to losing the weight I gained (unhealthy), beginning to exercise again, taking better care of myself, and remember that no one can hurt Rene now - he is at peace, and his ashes are with me in a nice arrangement on a dresser in our bedroom. I feel comforted that he is with me, and very grateful that I had him in my life.
Marg, I think that's wise now. You've fought an exhaustive battle for what you believe. Ultimately there is no satisfactory resolution available. Your husband has every right to his dignity but there is a small saving grace that he was very likely unaware his privacy was invaded. It makes it no less serious - but it does mean he likely didn't suffer it knowingly and that is a small saving grace.
There comes a point when the avenues have been exhausted, to understand that to continue to pursue it is to hand the victory to the perpetrator. An injustice was done and every avenue of recourse was pursued. Don't let it go, but I agree that it is time to leave that field and move on.
I'm pretty sure your husband's concern would be with your well being in this future and compared to that I wonder where this incident would be if he had the opportunity to express himself now.
You defended his honour like Joan of Arc. I think you may be wise, as you say, to move on from this now.
Thank you for understanding. I know that Rene understood, even in the worst of it, that I loved him absolutely, without reservation, and even through all of this, my heart saw him as he was all those years ago ... I am so fortunate in that sense... that is such a blessing.
This disease is so complex, but he was, fortunately for me, never aggressive ... sometimes upset and loud because he was lost, but I know also, in my heart, that he loved me, and would want me to take care (and not go in to long-term care, if possible)!
I am ready to try to move on, and I thank you and the board for the support I received during this difficult time.
I'm so sorry for all you and Diane suffered during her illness. Let's hope they all are at peace, finally.
Part of the reason they are at peace is because they had us. Imagine if you had received what you instead gave. How a soul could be a soul and not bask in such a blessing is beyond me. I wouldn't know. I only gave. (smile)
Thank you for your kindness. Dianne's suffering is over. The disease's power over her is ended. We fought together which is no different from any of you including Charlotte on endless watch or Joan staying afloat or Ol Don or LFL or Mim or Jules or Amber or Myrtle or Katlady or George or Jazzy or Elizabeth or Marg78.
Life isn't an MGM musical it turns out. But it isn't just Kafka either.
I'll tell you another reason why Dianne will be at peace. Because I will be. Miles to go before I sleep.