You cannot smell death after a half-hour. That is ridiculous. I'm going to take a guess that the author of this article has sat with a lot of cancer patients. Sometimes the cancer causes a characteristic smell--maybe some of you have noticed it when sitting with dying relatives. And when the person dies, the smell from the tumors still lingers. But the body is not going to decompose in 30 minutes. Good grief.
Larry had a complete bed bath and a shave between noon and 1pm. He died around 3 pm. I sat beside him for two and a half hours before the undertakers got there at 5:30 pm. No smells, (no voiding or defecating either), just total peace.
Signs of impending death started that morning around 11 am. His temperature rose and his skin got hot to the touch. His respirations got very fast and then became irregular. He was in a deep coma, completely unresponsive to anyone's voice, and making no resistance at all to being turned in the bed. No signs of a struggle or of pain, but I was giving him a little morphine every hour in the corner of his mouth per Hospice's instructions. It was clearly relaxing him, but that was all. (We weren't trying to hasten his death, that's for sure.)
Full disclosure: In 42 years of nursing, I've sat at many a deathbed, and Larry's was typical. I was sitting with my father when he died of a brain tumor in 1996, and his passing was similar to Larry's. Dad was deeply comatose, not suffering, he had stopped passing urine, and the waste products were coming out on his skin as uremic frost…he was breathing very deeply but not struggling…breathing was regular…and then he just stopped breathing. Again, peaceful, natural…like a leaf falling off a tree in autumn.
I just read the article and it sounds horrible but why shouldn't it - it's death, after all. I was not with either of my parents when they died. Both were in the hospital. My sisters said it was peaceful but maybe they were lying to spare my sensibilities. (I'm not too good with medical stuff; I've fainted when I've had IVs and biopsies and when I was with people who were in the ER.) I don't know how I am going to be able to handle this with my husband. I am too worn down after all these years of watching him die slowly.
With grace, courage, and common sense, I would guess. Myrtle, those are the traits you have shown over and over again as you've helped others here at Joan's. And remember…he is in a facility. You have a whole team taking care of him…you aren't alone. And for emotional support and moral support--you have us.
..........I can only tell you how it was when my Dear Helen passed. It seems that the nurses in the care facility where I had to place her always know when a patient is dying. .........They had called me and told me the end was near and when I entered her room, she was completely comatose as she had been for several days and my daughter was by her bedside holding her hand. There were four nurses just standing there watching. So I sat down on the other side of her bed and put my arm around her shoulders. .......It was very quiet in the room. Very little conversation and after about ten minutes, one of the nurses said, She's taking her last breath right now". I asked her how she could tell, and she said she had witnessed it before. She checked Helen with a stethoscope and looked at her watch and said, "She has passed at eight minutes after two." ......We all hugged each other and left the room but a strange thing happened to me. I couldn't talk. I had no voice. Could only whisper. At home in the evening, I regained my voice so I could call friends and family.
Nothing ugly at all when my precious Frances passed almost six years ago. Here's what I wrote to family and friends at that time:
"Always one to do what she was supposed to do, Frances slipped away gracefully and peacefully in the early morning hours on Monday. I had spent the preceding three nights at her bedside, holding her hand while dozing off and on in an armchair next to the bed, as she grew weaker and her breathing more shallow and labored. She hadn't made any response to anything since the previous Monday, and hadn't taken any fluids since Tuesday. The hospice doctor had told us that once she stopped taking fluids, she probably wouldn't last more than another five days, which proved to be true -- she just finally stopped breathing at about 4:15 AM on Monday."
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment, elizabeth. Sometimes I just freak out and I guess that's what happened when I read the article. You are right - I'm not alone. I will have the veteran's home to take care of him. And I know they will. I'll also have all of you to give me moral support. I know I'll need it.
Dear fellow travelers-it was not my intent to cause distress or fear when I posted the above article. I thought it was well written. I am one of the original posters to this wonderful site. I resigned and then rejoined. Over the years many have asked about death and the dying process. As a 51 year career RN currently doing hospice visits I am very familiar with the process. When my dad was on life support and dying I smelled death as soon as I entered his hospital room. Very often the same thing when I meet a new 11th hour patient. Why-I would not presume to hazard a guess. Again-I am sorry if I caused hurt.
Hi bluedaze, Please do not apologize. Since our spouses are terminally ill, this is something we all need to know. I could never have ben a nurse - I am a chicken about anything medical. When my parents were within hours of dying, I kissed each of them goodbye and left my sisters in charge. But I know I'm not going to be able to wiggle out of this one. So I might as well know what I'll be facing. And frankly, the issue of the smell/no smell sounds like the least of it.
Some of us have a keen sense of smell and others don't. At my age I have been in the room when a lot of family left this world. Some of them struggled during the early stage but most of them slipped away quietly. My daddy was singing in a really soft voice I Come to the Garden alone while the dew is still on the roses. Cordis really struggled during the first part of the night but gently stopped breathing while his Sunday School teacher was praying. Love you Nora.
Bluedaze, there is no need to apologize, and I don't think you or the article distressed anybody. Unfortunately, none of us are getting out of here alive! This forum is one of the few places we all can get together and talk about the nitty-gritty…both for ourselves and our loved ones.
I, gratefully, do not know about death from accidents & war, but mostly, for our LO's w/AD, it seems to be peaceful. Three days before DH died, the nurses told me he was failing and inserted a nasal oxygen tube. He was breathing and sleeping peacefully, I thought they were wrong, he had always rallied. The day before he died, he pulled at the tube when lunch was delivered, they took it out, he sat in a chair and ate all his lunch, he knew the difference between meat & cake and let me know with a shake of his head which he wanted and had no trouble drinking. I'm certain he knew who I was and that I was feeding him, altho his eyes were mostly closed. I went home confident he would rally. When I came back the next morning, nurses were around him, he had on an oxygen mask, and again resting and breathing peacefully. I went across the hall to call our son & when I came back a minute later, they told me he was gone. I let the nurses leave and was left briefly alone with him to kiss and hold him, to privately say my goodbyes and silently weep. I could have sent him to a hospital where he'd be kept alive a little longer with tubes and all, but we had a DNR and it was what it was.
This is the 'forgetting' part of AD--the brain simply forgets how to breathe and if oxygen--thankfully, is there to ease that, it is peaceful.
As many have said it IS very hard. I read Jules' posts and I saw nothing wrong with them either. My Dianne died peacefully too and I think it had much less to do with her letting go than it did with her body and mind just not having enough left to work with as has been talked about already.
Even talking about good things causes some of us to have reactions which I also had at various times and can understand. I know some have left because of a reaction and that is a great loss for everyone because we never know who's going to say the thing that helps us at a particular time.
I also believe one of the marks of the quality of people here is that most topics have pain and suffering around them and yet it's extremely rare that there is a kerfluffle. That doesn't mean everyone isn't raw in their own way. We are.
I had too much wine and thought I had perhaps shared too much. Thought I could just delete the post. I should wait till I'm sober to post, ha! I was very pleased to see other people sharing their experiences.
In just a few days it will be two years since I lost Kathryn. I don't think that anything is set in stone when it comes time to pass away. Over four and a half years I watched my Mother , Father and Kathryn pass away. They all were different.
My Mother waited until my Aunt Hazel arrived, had a short talk with her and asked us all to go to lunch while she got some rest. 30 minutes later I got a call from the nurse that she had passed while sleeping. She had wanted to talk to my Aunt Hazel about something and had been asking for her for several days prior.
My Father fought it to the end. The last thing he said to me and my Brother was " Don't be scare to live life". Then he was gone an hour later.
I remember when Kathryn passed away like it was an hour ago. On Wednesday evening she was dancing around the living room like she always did (Hospice called their energizer bunny). She went to bed that night and the next day she couldn't get out of bed and stopped eating or drinking anything at all. I called hospice and they came several times a day for the next couple of days and on the third day told me she was in the process of dying. She had told me early on that she did not want to die a home because she knew I would not be able to walk into that room again. She wanted to go to hospice and she was moved there the next day. She never again got out of bed, ate or drank anything. Over the next few days she stopped talking or looking around when people came to she her. She lasted 13 days without food or water but was never in pain from it (Hospice controlled that very good). Kathryn passed away very comfortably and peacefully on April 25th 2015. I think it was far harder for me than it was for Kathryn.
There was one upside for me during all of this. She had not known who I was for two and a half years and did not know my name during that time. Two days before Kathryn passed she called out my name, she then closed her eyes and two days later she was gone forever.
JimB
PS, I still miss her everyday and think about her all the time. Even now I have tears running down my face just thinking about her.
JimB, I just read the story about Kathryn. I am so impressed by her thoughtfulness about what you would remember when you were in your home. Good for her!
My DH is near death. I feel very fortunate to still have him at home. We have Hospice but have not been provided with morphine. We are giving him hydrocodone and lorazapam. Breathing is kind of labored and raspy but not too bad. Can anyone share their experience of their loved one dying at home?