I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. It applies to everyone who is an Alzheimer Spouse trying to adjust to being "single", whether your spouse is at home, tying you down to the isolation of caregiving with little time to do things for yourself, in a facility, putting you in "limbo" in trying to make a life for yourself, or has passed on, leaving you with the task of rebuilding your life.
I am just me now and still have a hard time doing things. I am still in the have to be home mode. Kind of funny feeling to think I can just go do something. Glad you were able to go.
Good for YOU Joan!! Thank for being such a leader for me. Very inspiring post!! Glad you did what you did and enjoyed yourself. As others said you sure deserved it!
Bravo, Joan, you give me hope that re-inventing yourself as a single in your 60's is possible! It's so hard being in this limbo state where you feel very much like a widow but technically still have a husband (even though he is lost in the fog of Alzheimer's). Way to go!
Joan, I've been in the same dilemma. I want to go to an Orchestra concert with Renee Fleming this Friday but stopped myself because I was intimidated to go alone. Scared that someone would notice I was alone and judge (??????). How in the world, in a crowd of several hundred guests, would anyone notice I was alone? Sheesh, the messages we give ourselves! I'm going online right now to buy a ticket.
Again, you lead us by example and spirit. Thank you.
Joan I cannot tell you how relieved I was to read your blog, I have been quite worried about you. It sounds like a big step in your preparation for the rest of your life. Very very proud of you, and heartened to read your story.
Joan, I too have had a shift of thinking, several months ago I realized I was severely depressed. I was having crying spells, just thinking how utterly hopeless things were. My spouse getting worse every day, with no hope of getting better, just the knowledge it will get worse.this year has seen a lg decrease in his ability to function. He must have someone shower, clothe, prepare and assists with eating, and the biggie incontinence. I made a decision that I was going to have to put him in a care unit. I then went about hiring a couple of capable people to assists me in his care until something opened up. I started living life again.i have went on several week long trips, and go whenever something comes up. It has been a lifesaver, mine. He is doing fine! I'm not sure he even realizes I was gone! I am so much nicer to him, knowing I am not being held prisoner here! Other people can do a lot of the physical! I am so thankful I have these ladies to help me! And yes, the home called with a n opening, but I told them we are managing ok for now! It's hard to be a widow with a live partner. I cried a few times, but that's why this is called the long goodby!
There are all sorts of ways we stretch out..for me, during the dark days of my husband's illnesses,there was the constant worry about what was going on and having to see his strength lessen. Then there was his death and all that followed. It has now been a year, almost 13 months. I thought the 11th was going to be the dreaded day but it wasn't as bad as I had expected. No the 23rd, the anniversary of his funeral that was far far worse...why I wondered? I think it was that it was on that day I saw him for the last time, though he was in repose. Now a year later, all the detailed work done for the estate, and having a year that had me almost immobile from doing anything at all yet being frustrated that I was observing things needing done but at the same time holding a " oh what the hell" attitude..But now, I have learned to used the funds for his NH that I saved and saved in case it was needed for that, and I have started to rebuild the yard..I have taken out some of the old deer eaten roses, and the frost destroyed Apple Jack and put down a beautiful new paver patio and new plants. And now, have almost half the asphalt driveway torn out and new pavers are going down. I had a template of his Naval Aviator Wings made and that will be the center piece or feature on the new drive way. Then the front yard needs to be addressed as we have such a drought and the grass is so dried up it looks a fire hazard so it goes....the house on the outside looks so nice now..the inside is still chaos but progress is at least in the baby steps phase...we all have to start someplace...it is far from easy.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 Now that I can suddenly go anywhere and do anything, I couldn't even imagine it yet. I need some quiet time to still be close to the house and to where my last days with DH were. But ideas are percolating…and when I feel ready I'll start catching up with my life again…with all the things I couldn't go out and do because of being home with DH.
I have had a horrendous two weeks, which I will explain in Monday's blog. Now that things SEEM to have settled a little, I decided to do it again. Tomorrow night, Rascal Flatts is going to be at an outdoor theater about 50 minutes from me off of the turnpike. I was able to get a resale ticket in a front section, so I'm going. I am very excited. Keeping my fingers crossed that there isn't an emergency with Sid.
One advantage to doing things like last minute concert going by yourself is not having to plan or discuss and debate it with anyone. I decided I wanted to go, so I went online, picked the one seat left in the section next to the stage, and bought it.
Joan, I didn't realize you were such a country music fan! Here's another Blake Shelton appearance scheduled next March only a hundred of so miles north of you up I-95. If you wanted to do the whole weekend, there's a private "spare bedroom" in our motorhome parked out back of our house here in Grant -- maybe 25 miles from the park, or we could even park the motorhome up there in the campground for you. See http://runawaycountry.wordpress.com/
Thank you for the generous offer, Gourdchipper, but due to circumstances here, I plan one day at a time, as I am sure you understand. March is a lifetime away, but I will keep it in the back of my mind.
As for tonight, friends who have no interest in going to the concert will spend the evening here house sitting.
Last week marked one year that Clare has been in assisted living and recently I've also decided it was time for me to get on with my life as an "I" since there really is no "we" anymore. Six weeks ago I cut my daily visits from 4 hours to 90 minutes. Amazing what a difference it has been since then ... eating dinner at home instead of bringing a few sandwiches to eat at the facility while Clare had her dinner with her dementia group. Three weeks ago I started skipping one visit a week, and Clare never even noticed. This week marks my 2nd week of skipping 2 visits a week. Eventually I want to feel "okay" with ocasionally skipping 5 or 6 days in a row so I can drive out to my son and his family (nearly 800 miles) and be PopPop a few more times a year. As so many on this site know, breaking away is VERY difficult. But, it needed to be done or I would have continued falling down a black hole along with Clare. I actually went out to eat by myself twice this past week ... a first for me. So, from now on I'll let the facility be Clare's full-time caregiver and I'll continue to be her advocate and monitor her care and visit often but no longer every day. I've decided it was time to begin my new life without Clare. No guilt .. just sadness at accepting my new reality.
Well, the concert was great. I loved it. Do I enjoy going by myself? No, of course I would prefer to go with someone, but being alone is no reason to miss something I want to do.
It started to pour right as the concert ended, so driving home alone in the dark, in the pouring rain was not good. Sid has always been very protective of me, never letting me go out alone at night unless it was absolutely necessary, never being comfortable letting me fly alone, always wanting to be by my side to care for and protect me. All the way home in those terrible conditions, I kept thinking. - "If the old Sid knew I was doing this, he'd be furious."
I made it home safely, although soaked with sweat from the unbearable humidity at the outdoor venue, and my wet clothes plastered to my skin from getting lost in the rain trying to find my car in the parking lot. Clothes peeled off and into the laundry, along with a nice hot shower took care of everything. I am so glad being alone did not stop me from seeing a fantastic concert.
I don't really have a choice. I either venture out on my own when I can't get someone to go with me, or I stay home and die a slow death. My son keeps telling me that he doesn't want Alzheimer's Disease to kill BOTH of his parents. He encourages me to take every opportunity to "live" that comes along.
Joan, I am glad that you enjoyed the concert in spite of poor weather conditions. I saw Rascal Flatts eons ago at Dollywood Park in eastern Tennessee. I agree with your son to go every chance you get. Now I just need to practice what I preach!