I have an impossible situation to deal with. Spouse is diagnosed with early Alzheimer's and alcohol induced dementia. His doctors have explained to him that his continued heavy use of alcohol will hasten the progress of his disease and reduce the effectiveness of the Aricept. We have an almost 30 year marriage filled with domestic violence (physical, financial, mental and emotional) His doctors know this. I'm on a constant rollercoaster of being his brain during the day (his short term memory is almost non existent and he does not imprint when you tell him something or he talks on the phone to someone) and being the victim of his rage behavior in the later part of the day after his first drink. His doctors have informed me it is my responsibility to go to his primary care and neurologist appointments. He gets very aggressive with me and would not let me go to the last neurologist appointment with him because I wouldn't agree to lie for him about how much he is drinking. He came home from the last neurologist appointment and said the doctor told him no one can be sure he has AD and since my husband told him his usual story that he has only one drink per night (he routinely drinks at least 12 ounces per night) the doctor said his drinking is not a problem. The neuro/physch examiner says there is 85% surety that he has AD and his primary care doctor has diagnosed and puts on his medical records "alcohol induced dementia". I am just now starting to understand the legal liability I have just because I am the spouse. He refuses to cooperate in any way and says I am not his mother or jailer. Without risking injury, it is impossible to get him to cooperate with his doctor's instructions I have been told to carry out. He gets tons of junk mail asking for political contributions and is writing checks right and left sometimes over $500 per month which we can't afford. He refuses to let me handle the finances (I was the CFO for a very profitable company for over 20 years before we were married). He withdrew over $30,000 from our joint savings last year that we both contribute to when he went on a guided bear and elk hunt last year. The house is full of loaded guns, including one in the bedroom night stand, several in the garage and one in his truck (he has a concealed weapon permit). He has over $8000 of long guns in a wooden box in the back of his truck that he has been running around with for two months saying he is going to sell. We live in the country on an acreage without any houses nearby. His doctors told him to secure the guns in his gun safe and keep the ammunition in another place. He refuses to comply. He routinely takes a .22 outside and shoots squirrels even when I am outside doing horse chores or riding. As much as I love animals, I am afraid to confront him as he shot me with a pellet gun about 10 years ago when I was trying to stop him from shooting the squirrels. I had him read all the information on this site about me being liable if he has an automobile accident. He refuses to follow doctor orders and not drive after he has a drink (the doctors put the responsibility on me to take care keys away from him after he has a drink) I told them he would maim or kill me if I tried to take car keys from him. We have no children, he has one brother who is no support for me and has no contact with my husband other than to stop by every few weeks and have a drink with him. None of my brothers and sisters live in this state. He has isolated me from any of my friends. The few couple friends we have know how aggressive he can be after drinking and will not confront him on his drinking or support me in my efforts to have him follow doctor orders, including securing the guns. I have looked into a divorce but the attorney tells me that since we were only married for 7 years during his military service that I would only be entitled to 1/2 of 7/30th of his retirement pay. Over the years he has coerced me into putting all of my savings into our property. He made me liquidate my IRA to pay off the mortgage. He made me take Social Security early to pay my own bills so it is significantly reduced. I could not live on the small amount of alimony I would receive from his military retirement and my meager reduced Social Security. He has threated he would hunt me down if I ever filed for divorce and forced a sale of the property for income to live on. I wake up every morning praying I will die that day and I go to bed every night praying I won't wake up. I have asked his doctors to put him on some kind of meds to reduce the anger level (which is higher on the Aricept) and they won't do it because of the interaction with the alcohol. I have asked his doctors to force him into alcohol treatment and they say they do not have the authority to do that. I feel trapped in a Hell there is no escape from.
Has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like this?
inJail, in Florida we have something called the Marchman Act that would seem to be applicable in your case -- it provides for the involuntary commitment of someone who is deemed a threat to either themselves or others because of substance abuse. I'll paste in some material from https://www.dcf.state.fl.us/programs/samh/SubstanceAbuse/marchman/marchmanacthand03p.pdf which explains the act. Perhaps your state has something similar?
INVOLUNTARY ADMISSIONS PROCEDURES A. General Provisions Criteria for Involuntary Admissions 397.675 Criteria for involuntary admissions, including protective custody, emergency admission, and other involuntary assessment, involuntary treatment, and alternative involuntary assessment for minors, for purposes of assessment and stabilization, and for involuntary treatment.--A person meets the criteria for involuntary admission if there is good faith reason to believe theimpairment: (1) Has lost the power of self-control with respect to substance use; and either (2)(a) Has inflicted, or threatened or attempted to inflict, or unless admitted is likely to inflict, physical harm on himself or herself or another; or (b) Is in need of substance abuse services and, by reason of substance abuse impairment, his or her judgment has been so impaired that the person is incapable of appreciating his or her need for such services and of making a rational decision in regard thereto; however, mere refusal to receive such services does not constitute evidence of lack of judgment with respect to his or her need for such services.
What you have reported here is so bad I can hardly believe your post is for real. IMO, liability is the least of your problems. To tackle only 2 points.
Your Abuse. Have you seen a counselor who specializes in spousal abuse? I am talking about someone who does more than psychological counseling – I mean a person who is qualified as a psychologist but who is also familiar with the practical steps that women can take to protect themselves. I would suggest seeing someone like that ASAP. You need someone to help you evaluate the practical ramifications of various strategies. Frankly, whether or not your husband has AD, his behavior shows the classic signs of severe physical, emotional, and financial abuse. And you clearly are not able to defend yourself. I am very concerned that you are in danger.
The Guns. Do you live in the U.S. and what are the firearms laws in your state? Where I live, a person needs a firearms identification card or a license in order to lawfully possess a firearm. The police chief of each municipality may use his or her discretion in granting or revoking this. I can tell you for a fact that if I called our town police chief and reported one-tenth of what you have said, he would investigate it ASAP. I realize that my state’s firearms laws are stricter than most but the exact provisions of your laws are worth checking out.
The one time I called our local Sheriff Department (about 15 years ago) he told them I pointed a gun at him (which I DID NOT but they chose to believe him) so they arrested me for Felony Misdemeanor. I have been afraid to call law enforcement ever again. He has an incredibly charming and manipulative personality and always seems to get people to take his side.
Now that I could finally put everything in words, I'm printing off a copy of my post and making an appointment with his doctors. If they won't do anything, then I'm going to an Elder Care attorney to see if they can help me. I'm 70 years old and I don't have the strength to deal with this any more.
Putting your survival first is the greatest need. I would see if anyone can help you get rid of the guns and ammo. (Your town police dept., as myrtle suggested, or perhaps the county sheriff?) No one with alcohol-induced dementia and Alzheimers should have access to firearms. Then get the money that you can into accounts that are only yours--not his. Again, someone with dementia should not be handling the family money, especially if he is making the poor judgements you're describing. If your name is on his accounts, you can just write checks and get his money into your new "you only" account. In terms of him driving, his doctor/s should be able to notify your state's dept. of motor vehicles that they are concerned about his road safety, and that they are requesting the state re-test his driving. The state can be the "bad guy" instead of you, and revoke his license. You can then hide or "lose" his car keys. If he does manage to go out and drive without a license, just call the police. I see other issues here, but start with the "must-do" issues--the ones that are life-threatening to you or to others. I don't suppose you have a durable power of attorney, by any chance?
May I suggest that you get yourself to a women's shelter. Worry about the $$$ and legal issues once you are in a safe environment. Folks there can help you get settled and connect you with legal services. Your # 1 priority is to get away from this guy and deal with all this from a distance in a safe place!!!
Guns, abuse, alcohol, dementia, from your post you have a real dilemma to think about. I would also be reconsidering the divorce aspect at this point InJail. I would normally be quite hesitant to inply one should leave an ill spouse, but you are in dire straights here at this point. its only going to get wayyy worse as time progresses. without proper medication you have no control over his outbursts and manipulations and it sounds as if he is a threat not only to you but himself. I think I would also try the Baker Act to see if he can be commited unvoluntarily for adjustment and treatment for alcoholism as well. its a very dangerous mixture dementia with all the rest. your safety comes first and even if you have to make a clean break and start anew sometimes its in your best interests. the financials will suffer as well as long as he has control. if you are in fear I would just take my chances and let the atty try to get as much as possible from any assets available. and then file a restraining order to keep him at bay. if he breaks that he would be picked up. definitely not an easy case you have here but sometimes we just have to buck up and make the right decisions for US first and safety. you have a lot to think about. we hear it all the time about irrational behavior from dementia that leads to violence or death. please seek counseling like aunt b suggests a shelter and see a good atty to review your rights. sorry you have to deal with this. divvi
I'm guessing that the barn work and care and exercising of the horses may be keeping InJail from leaving. Can you board them somewhere, or talk to your vet about the situation and see if he has any suggestions for their well-being if you go to a shelter?
Unless you have medical power of attorney and/or he has given permission to the doctors to talk with you,, you may only be able to give the doctor the info. But I would definitely write it all down and give it to him. In the future, until you can get away to a safe place, when he has an appointment either email info on how he is and what he is doing, or drop it off. Most of us here write it down so we don't forget when we get there -some will email it ahead of time. I write it down and hand to his doctor when she comes in. My husband does not seem to mind me talking openly with the doctor.
I agree - you need to move as much money into your account only to protect both of you. Many AD spouses have financially ruined themselves.
The guns - find some way to get them out of there. Honestly I would get myself out of there. Maybe go visit your brother or sister and don't come back.
Elizabeth is very perceptive. The horses have always been the chain around my neck. The cost to board them would be more than my SS check by hundreds of dollars. I know I will lose them eventually but that will be a death knoll for me. I'm meeting with his doctor next week and ask the biggest question I have - why aren't they medicating him for the anger, aggression and drinking? I know a care center would not tolerate his behavior. My mother had severe dementia before she died a year ago and had physically and verbally attacked her home caregivers and staff in the nursing home. We objected to them putting her on Seroquel but they would not keep her without administering it. I guess the doctors think that spouses are expendable?
InJail, unfortunately YOU have to insist that the doctors put him on medications to control his anger and aggression; I don't know of medication to help with the drinking problem. You have to tell the doctors that you are not safe and your husband is a danger to you and to himself, particularly with the excessive drinking and firearms in the house.
I recommend that you bring a written log (by date) recording the anger, aggression towards you, the drinking patterns, the number of guns/ammunition in the house, his refusal to follow doctors orders, etc. and hand it to the doctors for his files. Once you have documented in writing his behaviors AND it is in his medical file, the doctor becomes liable if he/she does not do something to address the problems. By all means, state on the document your husband is a danger to both you and himself. If the doctors who are treating him dismiss you, then by all means find new physicians specializing in dementia FAST or at least a physician that will take your situation seriously. And write a complaint to the state board of physicians.
Honestly, Seroquel was the only thing that helped control my husband's aggressive behaviors and for us it's a god-send. You need some medication to control him, so why worry about the Seroquel? There are other meds that work too but they're all in the same category.
Divorce is always an option. You must keep yourself safe.
Just keep in mind, as many here have found, they can prescribe medication but you can't make them take it. If they are declared incompetent then maybe you could.
But definitely get as much info to the doctor. You might even let the police know. Then they will at least know. And because he is mentally unstable maybe there is a way to force him to give up his guns.
Thank you everyone for your wisdom and help. Unfortunately, as far as the suggestions to report the situation to the police, we are in a very rural area and we only have 2 Sheriff Deputies - each works a 12 hour shift and covers 500 miles. If you are lucky, they might show up in 5 or 6 hours.
Did you completely miss the post by Gourdchipper about INVOLUNTARY ADMISSIONS PROCEDURES? You have put up with this behavior for years, you need to stop it NOW! How much longer are you going to let it go on; until he kills someone or the horses? Call an elder attorney, start procedure admissions TODAY, no excuses about calling the sheriff, meeting with the doctor next week, getting meds he won't take, he should NOT be driving. You can't control him, no one can, what are your options? He's a ticking time bomb.
In some communities, the District Attorney's office has active resources for abused family members. I think these offices are usually at the County level. You mentioned you are in a very rural area- maybe they are statewide or regional where you are located. Law schools also often offer referrals and sometimes sponsor direct services. You mentioned you are 70. These resources may be free of direct charge to you.
There are many equine rescue groups and sanctuaries and many if not most are in rural areas. Charitynavigator.org is one source of who and where.
Could the gun situation come under any jurisdiction other than your sheriff? Is federal involvement, such as ATF a possibility?
Please act as quickly as you can!
Edited by me to add information about equine sanctuaries. I was just on sanctuaryfederation.org. It was what I was thinking of when I initially posted on your topic. It has a good list of accredited sanctuaries. HTH
You may also want to talk with the local fire department. Even though they are probably volunteer, if the fire chief knows the situation and they are called, at least they will not be going in blindly.
I would not ask a spouse in this condition if he wanted to take the meds. if a dr prescribes them and is reasonably aware of his issues and concerns, then I would crush them and put them into foods he likes. period. we are dealing with irrational, belligerent and sometimes violent individuals here and it comes a time there are no other options other than commitment in a facility. you have lots of good advice from members here I hope you act to rectify your situation soon. at minimum get a deadbolt on a closet with a key and start moving those guns and ammo in there asap. its the no 1 priority I would think.
Injail - I don't have much to offer that the other members haven't covered. The only thing is have your car keys, wallet and cell phone on you at all times. Take them to bed with you or hide them outside in a safe place that you can get to quickly. If able have an escape bag packed and in your car in case you have to leave quickly. You are an abused woman and you need to get things in place so you can escape when, not if, he goes too far. My hubby turned abusive so I know what you are going through. You are now number one and must keep yourself safe.
Injail, You are in a very dangerous situation. I fear for your safety because no matter what you do he will be battling you, if he has control of your finances he will know if you take money without an excuse for it. He sounds like he would get guns out if you locked them in. What state do you live in? One of us may be in that state and could offer advice on services available. Also you mentioned he was in service when you were first married, there may be help there. Every state has department of veteran's affairs offices as far as I know and you might contact them for help or advice. It's very hard to deal with loved animals being under threat, just like if they were your children and abusive men can do horrible things to children. Please find a way to get out, public assisstance would be better than death or worse yet disability due to abuse. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Dorie
Welcome to my website. I can only reinforce what others have said - Guns, abuse, alcohol, dementia - you need to protect yourself first and foremost. It is my opinion that you should do whatever it takes to get out of such a dangerous situation.
My AS had no drinking problem or even cared about guns he had inherited until the disease progressed. I had a friend come and distract him while I removed the guns. Paranoia is a part of dementia. He had become more and more paranoid, was driving around with them in his truck, keeping them loaded, and was going to shoot the neighbors dog thinking it was a "mad dog". I was afraid he would shoot me or someone else coming to the door. But then he hated me, I was the one that stopped him from riding a motorcycle, having guns, using a stove etc.: he kept raging, citing how I had "violated his constitutional rights". He started a hoard of heavy iron things as weapons instead which I found in a closet. Finally, there was an incident where he attacked me and I had to run out of the house with knives he was reaching for. He threatened his brother with an axe and his brother being a former police officer knew what to do - have him taken away to a geriatric psychiatric hospital for 3 days. Sheriffs came and did it. It was traumatic for him, but necessary. It turned into a 9 day stay. And they would only release him to 24 hr. round the clock care, meaning a LTC facility. You do need the sheriff's office to take him away for being a threat to himself or others. Then work with the doctors at the facility. You will need whatever certification is needed in your state to get guardianship (you have dementia diagnosis already). You must start taking action to protect yourself. If you can't get out, get him out. Please let us know your plan.
InJail - I was reading this and wondered if you had contacted and elder attorney? If so, what options did he give you?
I would write all down that you have been telling us. Send them by certified mail to his doctor, the sheriff and anyone else that deals with him. Also include a letter saying a copy of all this is being sent to my sister, or whomever, so that if anything happens to me they will know that it is because you failed to do your jobs. Then, they will proceed to filed malpractice lawsuits against all of you for failing to do your jobs. Or something like that.
Each time you know your husband has an appointment coming up, also send certified (that way there is a record of them receiving it) information as to what is going on, keep track of how much he drinks every day, etc. That way you know the doctor is getting the information (or should be).
Have you opening a bank account in your name only yet?
Anytime you want, you can email me. My address is in my profile information.
The elder care attorney just threw his hands up basically and said you need to file for a divorce immediately. He agreed I would get little to nothing to live on due to the rules on military retirement and that I would lose the medicare supplement provided by the military so would basically be without money or health care and that all the money I put into the real estate (about $150,000) would be community property and 1/2 his at the time of sale if we could get a sale on it.
I have a few thousand dollars in a savings account in my name only from the pitiful pain and suffering allowance I got from the car wreck. I am taking care of the finances but he has to sign every check.
Most of what I have told you was given in writing to his doctors previously. I did inform them that I have a brother who is an attorney so I assume they are smart enough to draw that conclusion as a possibility. I didn't tell them he wasn't a practicing attorney - just a legal licensed bandit who is a political lobbyist. I will ramp it up with the Medical Morons as per your suggestions above. A really good idea on the certified mail rather than just handing it to the gate holder at the front desk and trusting they are putting it into the medical records.
Thanks for your help Charlotte. You are a very wise and helpful person.
I commented elsewhere on divorce but now I see the financial problems. I guess your elder care attorney believes your hands are tied due to what the doctors say and thinks this is drag on for a long time.
Not sure what you want the sheriff, attorneys and "medical morons" to do. They have probably advised you to leave this dangerous situation just as the folks here have been urging you to do too. It sounds like this has been going on for a very long time. One of the hardest, saddest, and most frustrating things in helping victims of domestic abuse is getting them to leave.
Ultimately, this is your decision: stay or leave. There are women's shelters and churches to turn to for help. Call the Domestic Abuse hotline for advice 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and they can talk you through the steps you need to take to get out.
Please call the hotline and start making plans to leave. Sad as it is, you might be best to start selling the animals as part of your plan.
I think it is safe to say that everyone on this site is very worried for your safety, cares deeply that you are in danger, and wants you to take care of yourself. Neither these cyber friends here nor the professionals you have had contact with personally can take that first step away for you. Only you.
The first step is always the hardest. marche and others have given you good advice. Only you can choose to take action, no one else can make that decision for you. I would argue your safety,freedom and life are priceless; should he injure or worse yet kill you, then no amount of money will matter anymore. I know it's frightening to think of the future without financial means but if truly you have very limited options, 1/2 of your community assets are better than nothing or losing your life. I truly hope you can find a way out of this very dangerous situation.
As I've advised others, there is a way to get part of his pension in the divorce = it's called a QDRO (qualified domestic relations order). Perhaps a visit to a good family law attorney (divorce atty) can help you with your options.