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    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2013
     
    Oh Jim, I am so sorry to hear Kathryn has to endure more suffering. Perhaps the morphine is causing the vomiting particularly since she has very litle in her stomach. Truly you and Kathryn are in my thoughts and prayers...I can only imagine how helpless you must feel. You are a wonderful, loving husband and an exemplary cargeiver. Hugs to you both.
  1.  
    My thoughts and prayers are with you both, Jim. You are an awesome caregiver to Kathryn and I can imagine how this must hurt. Hugs.
  2.  
    Jim, I know well your frustration in not being able to help Kathryn in some way, and the feeling that it's not fair, but for all of us I guess the time finally comes when we have to accept that it's in someone else's hands. Your friends are here beside you now.
  3.  
    Jim-I am so sorry for you both.
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2013
     
    jim, i also agree maybe the morphine is causing the vomiting. maybe try another drug? there are many to chose from. and there are suppositories hospice can provide for nausea. i use them when DH is sick as well and they relieve the misery. i use compro suppositories for nausea and or/reglan pills dissolved to give in a syringe. both work well. ask your hospice for help.
    divvi
  4.  
    I'm so sorry that you are having such a time of it, Jim. She is still at home with you and that means you have done well. Hopefully you will be able to keep her there where things are familiar for her and convenient for you. I know Hospice should be able to assess the situation for you and help out. You have my prayers for peace.
  5.  
    Standing there, holding her is doing a lot for her. I know, you wish you could wave a magic wand, we all did, but loving her is the best medicine there is for her right now. Your love is no small thing to her.
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      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2013
     
    Dear Jim, I agree with Divvi that there are meds. available for nausea and vomiting. Eric had the same problem with morphine and these meds. worked. I'm so sorry. It is the very hardest of times to see them suffering like this. Love and prayers are being sent to both of you. Please pace yourself.
    • CommentAuthormary22033
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2013
     
    Jim, I'm so sorry that you and Kathryn are having to endure this torture. I'm praying that God gives you the strength you need today and in the days ahead.
  6.  
    Jim

    I can only imagine your pain. Hospice should be able to help keep Kathryn pain free and comfortable. You are there for her and she knows that. That is the most important thing you can do.
    •  
      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2013
     
    So very sorry to read this Jim. I hope hospice will be able to help you get her more comfortable. Many people do have adverse reactions to the morphine. We too use suppositories when pain is an issue. Praying for you both ((hugs))
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      CommentAuthorAnchor20*
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013 edited
     
    Things really got bad here last night. Kathryn for the first time wasn’t able to stand up. She was sitting and when she wanted to get up she just couldn’t. It was so painful to see. She became scared and started crying. I could see the fear in her eyes and even when I tried to assist her to get up she just couldn’t do it. Finally got her in bed and gave her some morphine to up her relax because she wasn’t able to put her head down because of the pain from not being able to lift it. All night long all I could do was think about her.

    Sunday night Hospice told me that I needed to let her family know that if they hoped to have any kind of interaction with her they need to come see her as soon as possible. I guess that along with what was going on last night made me finally realize I am going to loose her. I already knew that Alzheimer’s was 100% fatal but I guess I never really thought about it in terms of loosing her. IN my mind I never gave up the possibility that we could survive this together, That it just couldn’t happen.

    I have had trouble talking about Kathryn for the last year without becoming choked up but last night I couldn’t even think about her without becoming choked up to the point of my throat hurting and feeling like I was going to throw up. I don’t know how any spouse has ever made it thru this part of this. She couldn’t eat yesterday at all after the morning when she was throwing up. I felt like I was cheating on her every time I had something to eat or drink. I felt so guilty just that I was able to do both while she couldn’t. I felt like I was doing something wrong. It was like we were in a life raft and I was sneaking food and water behind her back to save myself.

    JimB
  7.  
    Oh Jim, My heart hurts ready about your pain as well as your dear Kathryn. You need to know that your dear wife wants you to take care of yourself. She would not want to see you suffer from not eating or drinking. She loves you.

    Wish I could do more to help you both. All I can do is send my prayers and hugs. Know that last night I said a very special prayer for you both. I hold you both in my heart.
  8.  
    Jim, I am so sorry. I know the feelings and your mind just runs away with you. In the beginning, you know what the outcome will be. Then you hope for a cure or some improvement. Then you don't want them to suffer. And then you pray for a release for them, anything quick and painless. Then all of a sudden, that time nears and you are lost.
    Know that you have done everything you could all along. You have held her and kept her close and she knows that. And even while you are having that choking suffocating feeling like there is a deep emptiness growing inside, tell her it is ok. Tell her you love her over and over and over. Crawl in with her, hold her, and touch her face. Get all that you can.
    It is the hardest thing we ever do - letting them go and lying and saying it is ok. It is not ok. I know it was a huge leap from "I don't know what to do for him" to " I don't know what I am going to do without him".
    {{{Hugs}}} and lots of prayers coming your way.
    •  
      CommentAuthorJudithKB*
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
     
    Jim....my heart goes out to you through this journey. I share your grief and what these last days are like because I too lost my Jim...Try and think in the terms that she will be at peace and no more pain...You will be OK. Hope you have family or friends there with you. Keep posting if you need comfort...you know we all are here for you.
  9.  
    Dear JimB, while I have only been on this site for about 18 months, I have followed your beautiful love story. I was shocked today when I looked in your profile to see that you are both so young. Your Kathryn, I'm sure, knows how very much she is loved by you. What a wonderful husband and caregiver you are. I will say a prayer for both of you today that you can find some peace during this very difficult time.
    • CommentAuthorandy*
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
     
    JimB......(((((hugs))))) tears...prayers...
  10.  
    Yes Jim best wishes and love from here too. Thank you so much for sharing all this, we care , and it is good to learn...what lies ahead. (Jim and Kathryn)
    •  
      CommentAuthorAnchor20*
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
     
    A little good news. I was able to get Kathryn up and she is able to walk. She is still having trouble holding any food down and did throw up a couple of times this morning. I just gave her a piece of toast and so far she seems to be holding it down.

    JimB
  11.  
    I just want to add my prayers for you and your Kathryn. It is the most difficult thing when we realize this one we won't win. You are giving her your all and that's all you can do. Please take care of Jim that's also very important.
    •  
      CommentAuthorBama* 2/12
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
     
    Praying for you and Kathryn. And, Jim, be sure you eat and take care of you. You cannot help her if you get sick. Sending a hug your way.
  12.  
    Jim..thinking of you and Kathryn.
    A little good news is good...hope she can eat a little more.
    You take care of yourself too....we say this so often, but you need to.
    • CommentAuthorlulliebird
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
     
    Jim,
    I will pray for you and your Kathryn. May comfort, peace, and grace abound! Wishing the best for your family!
    •  
      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
     
    Jim, glad to hear a little good news. Were you able to talk with Hospice to see if the Morphine could be the culprit behind the vomiting? You both remain in my thoughts and prayers ((hugs))
    • CommentAuthorFiona68
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2013
     
    Jim, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Kathryn tonight.
    • CommentAuthorMoon*
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2013
     
    Jim, I just signed on to check on Kathryn. My heart goes out to you both.
    I felt the same guilt as you with regard to eating/drinking when they can't.
    Everything around this disease is just so sad.
    I will pray for you both.
    •  
      CommentAuthorAnchor20*
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2013
     
    The hospice nurse was just here and they believe that it is likely that Kathryn may be bleeding internally. They said they don’t think that there is anything that should be done at this point which I agreed with. They also believe it will not be long before she will be staying in bed so they are going to send out a special mattress to help prevent bed sores.

    I know why Kathryn has been throwing up now. She is getting car sick. I realized this morning that each time she threw up we had just been for a ride so this morning I took her for a ride without feeding her first and sure enough she started throwing up only there was nothing there to throw up. I pulled over and let her relax and when we started back she did it again. I called her sister and she told me when Kathryn was young she would get sick on boats and airplanes. The down side to it is our Mon., Tues. and & Friday trips to Publix are now a thing of the past. I am building her a Ramp tomorrow and I will now begin taking her on little trips in her wheel chair up and down the street.

    Hospice also said to be prepared for her to decline even faster now.

    JimB
    • CommentAuthorlulliebird
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2013 edited
     
    Oh Jim, I am so very sorry. Words can not express my saddness for you and your family. May God grant you peace and comfort. I will be praying for you, Kathyn and your entire family ((big hugs))
    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2013
     
    Jim, praying for Kathryn and you. Be kind to yourself too.
    •  
      CommentAuthorAnchor20*
    • CommentTimeMar 14th 2013
     
    I was able to get Kathryn to drink two classes of fluids today. That is the most she has had in one day in a long time. Unfortunately she is in more pain and we had to double her Morphine intake but as loong as it helps her that is ok.

    JimB
    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeMar 14th 2013
     
    Sending loving thoughts your way during this very difficult time. I admire your strength and feel your pain. Much love.
    • CommentAuthorMoon*
    • CommentTimeMar 14th 2013
     
    Jim, Kathryn and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Just keep treasuring your time together!
  13.  
    Jim, you both are in my thoughts and prayers. This is such a hard journey we are on.
    •  
      CommentAuthorjanny*
    • CommentTimeMar 14th 2013
     
    Jim, my thoughts and admiration go out to you. Such a trial you are experiencing, yet also being given this time to express your love, and comforting her so. It's all so crushing to your heart, but these are the moments you must treasure, and make the most of, sort of a special gift. Take care of yourself, as she would want. Hugs to you both.
  14.  
    Jim, this is the hardest part of this terrible journey.....we hope, then we even allow ourselves to think things will level off and be stable and then we get the big slap that awakens us to the full realization that we have no control over any of this...

    You have done a wonderful job caring for Kathryn and she does know this. She sounds like such a wonderful lady. It is so sad that it has come to this last most painful stretch..I hope you are getting some rest and quiet time and as much time as you can with Kathryn.

    Prayers for you and your family.
  15.  
    Jim, praying for Kathryn and you....my heart goes out to you both,
    • CommentAuthorscs
    • CommentTimeMar 14th 2013
     
    Your love and devotion serve as a role model for all of us. Wishing you both peace and for Kathryn prayers that she will be pain free.
    •  
      CommentAuthorAnchor20*
    • CommentTimeMar 15th 2013 edited
     
    Kathryn stayed up almost 12 hours today and ate a slice of toast and two chicken tenders. That is the most she has eaten in about two weeks in one day. It is amazing how something so small can mean so much. Two of my friends showed up and said they heard I was building a ramp and that they came to help. We were able to complete the ramp before 2:00pm. It came out really nice. They both offered to come back and help mix and pour cemet when I was ready too. So over all it has been a pretty good day.

    JimB
    • CommentAuthorElaineH
    • CommentTimeMar 15th 2013
     
    Your friends sound like angels! Glad they came to help you. Praying for you & Kathryn.
    •  
      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeMar 15th 2013
     
    I agree Jim, the little things mean so very much. Happy to hear your friends were there to help you today, nice people still in this world after all :)
    Prayers continued for you and your dear Kathryn ((hugs))
  16.  
    Those friends are so wonderful, and I am really happy Kathryn ate some more today. You go Kathryn.
    •  
      CommentAuthorAnchor20*
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2013
     
    On Monday morning Kathryn suddenly wanted to get up and walk again. I got her out of bed and off she went right back to her normal routine of walking all day. The only difference is she does stop and sit some also which she never used to do. She also started eating and drinking a little better and is standing a little straighter. She still can’t lift her head up but that was already happening before this decline. She even put back on 4 pounds but that in itself isn’t unusual she has always got up and down in her eight while continuing to lose it in the end. She is even responding a little when I talk to her. I don’t know how long it will last but it is nice as long as it does. This is day three now.

    JimB
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2013
     
    jimb, good to hear of your dear kathryns good response. i hope she makes further rebound. remember the full moon is coming next week. my DH is quite lucid this week as well compared to other times. i truly feel this phenomenon affects them and their functioning. some do better than others during this phase.
    take care
    divvi
    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2013
     
    jimb, I am so glad to hear that Kathryn is up and around and gaining some weight. I pray this is the beginning of a more robust rebound. These times are so precious when they happen, like a gift from god. Enjoy your beloved Kathryn during this special time.
    •  
      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2013
     
    I have been thinking of you both but will admit I was afraid to ask. So glad to hear she has had some better days! Praying they continue. They sure can shock us with their ability to rebound time and time again. I hope you are getting some rest Jim. ((Hugs))
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2013
     
    This is good news, Jim. These times are blessed.
    • CommentAuthorMoon*
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2013
     
    Jim, great news. Every good day is a welcome gift.
    Enjoy all the good moments.
  17.  
    WE have all been thinking of you and Kathryn. What a gift that she is responding some now and being as much Kathryn as she can be. I hope this lasts for both of you...it is so rewarding when there is a response. Blessings on you both.
    • CommentAuthorlulliebird
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2013
     
    Jim, Thinking and praying for you and your dear sweet Kathyrn. So glad to read your recent post that she's is walking around and improving. Please keep us posted regularly as to her condition as we concerned. Take care and the best to you both. lullie
    •  
      CommentAuthorAnchor20*
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2013
     
    Last night Kathryn became very disoriented and was unable to stand and began having breathing problems. She slept for 14 hours and when we tried to wake her up she was unresponsive. Her eyes would flutter but she would not wake up and you could see she was not looking at anything at all. It ended up taking three hours to wake her. She is now unable to stand up for more than just a few minutes and needs to sit down and then wants to get up right away. Her balance is very poor her heart rate has dropped and her oxygen is in the low 80s now and not going back up. Hospice is sending out oxygen tomorrow but there is no way she be able to use it. She will just take it off and even if she would leave it on she would keep getting tangled up in the hose. It scared the, you know what out of me. I really thought she was either going to have to be transferred to a Hospice facility or even worse that she was going to die any minute. This is the biggest decline she has had by far. She had a few really good days at the beginning of the week but now all of that are gone and she is doing worse than ever.

    Hospice said her decline is speeding up even faster now and once again that I should be prepared for this decline to continue. How much more decline can there be?

    Just the thought that I might lose her today was horrible it was almost unbearable. I can’t begin to imagine how it will be when I do lose her. This is by far the very worse day both in her illness and in my life.

    JimB