What do others think about accepting a date when DH is in a N/H ? I have been asked out by a nice widower, but should I feel guilty about accepting. Have any others got any opinions about this or been in this position. I would like to accept as I know DH can't get any better and doesn't even know I'm there when I visit him. I was sitting next to him talking to him last visit, and he asked me "do you know where Sylvia is" - very distressing.
Sylvia - if you want to go for it. There is nothing wrong with a friendship date. If it developes into something more later - then so be it. If not, you got out and had a good time.
Others here have gone out while their spouse is still alive. Only you can decide if it is the right choice for you. It sounds like you want to - so do it.
How refreshing to hear from a woman that isn't turned off by the Alzheimers expierence an would like to enjoy life again,seems most here would prefer female company rather than chance another round of the dreaded Alzheimers care taker situation,as I've stated many times before I think life is for living an when our spouse's have crossed the line of no return you can either shrivel up an feel sorry for yourself or get out an enjoy the time you have left,as the song says no one promised us tomorrow,I'm sure there are plenty here that might take offence at my way of thinking so let me have it ladies,I'm a big boy I can take it
Ol Don, I am one of those "shriveled" up ladies who must feel sorry for herself because she is not interested in a relationship with a man........I don't think so! I have nothing against any man or woman who finds a companion or a new love....if that is what they want I say more power to them. I love men.....find them interesting, fun, charming and sometimes even cute....I just don't want one of my own!
I don't need to be entertained by a man or a woman.....I enjoy my alone time.....I have family nearby and many, many friends both nearby and around the country....both men and women. I just don't want the "ties that bind."
Okay, gonna slink back to my sofa and continue my shriveling process......LOL!
Sandi* as I was thinking of how to respond to ol don you must have been reading my mind! Thank you for saying what I was thinking. Ol don, I’m not going to “shrivel up” I’m just not going to bring another man in the mix. I also love men; just don’t want another one in my life. (I decided that wayyyyy before AZ entered the picture). So count me in as one who will live the single life “after. Just sayin……….
i think most of us are starved for conversation and attention regardless if its from male or female. like the others say if its a friendship date and someone to share a conversation and fun then most would think it ok to go. but if he is a widower that may mean his intentions may be more and on a longterm scale at some point. remember if you live in a smaller community and are known many acquaintances may not understand and could gossip. either way its up to you to decide if you are ready to enjoy male companionship.
Where is it written that because a woman does not want or need a man in her life, that she is ready to "shrivel up" and "feel sorry for herself" ? A single life after the Alz. experience is an individual decision ...some of us may want that for ourselves, and if we do, that is fine...it doesn't mean we are ready to die.... At the same time if someone else decides they want the companionship of another person, that is fine too...we all deserve what makes us happy, and must decide for ourselves what we want. So Sylvia, do what feels right for YOU...and I wish you the best!
Ol don...I agree with the "shriveled up" protesters in that whether or not another man ever comes into my life I hope I'll stay juicy! Still, I'll take a chance. I'd love some time with a guy. I'll take it.
Never say never...At some point in this journey, someone special may enter your lives and again, intelligent conversation, and a caring relationship might develop.... Best not to rule out HAPPINESS in whatever form it presents itself... emily,,,, great idea, staying juicy... we cannot let this disease kill us too...
I think most of us will make it through this and continue living. I just think we will each make our own path when the time is right and we can see the trail. I really miss female companionship and I am sure that when the time is right I will meet another woman to spend time with. I'm not sure to what degree or level it will go but I will not ever marry again. I hope it is someone that I can share fun times with and whose companyI will enjoy and that she will enjoy my company as much as I do her's.
My Priorities will be playing golf, going to the movies, out to eat and doing some traveling. I would very much like to do them all with a lady that enjoys each as much as I do. I really don't need sex but if it happens that is good too as long as we both enjoy it and understand that it will not lead to marrage. If there is no sex involved that is ok with me too. I'll have a great freind anyway.
I win both ways.
So my point is, be honest with youself and do what is right for you. Just don't hurt anybody along the way and enjoy life.
I agree, JimB, just do what is right for you. I think, however, that many of us, both men and women, may have become somewhat "needy" during this awful caregiving time. So, I would hope that we might "go slowly" in the beginning - no matter what we decide, and not jump into something that may seem right at the moment, and enjoying the attention, conversation, travel, excitement, whatever, that we have missed for so long.
Agree, Vickie, with the possibility of our becoming "somewhat needy" during this journey; so whatever path we take, we should follow the turtle's example: slow and steady with confidence building steps.
I have become "needy". But I'm not in a big hurry to get into a relationship. Contact with a woman is on the list of things I miss, but it is not at the top of the list. What I am needy for is about a month long vacation with nobody but myself. Nobody to worry about or take care of. I wouldn't even need to go anywhere. Just be able to stay home and have nobody bother me. Watch TV, relax, eat, sleep, play golf or whatever else I feel like doing.
I love Kathryn and I spend every minute of every day with her or working and I will continue to until she is no longer here. I still love her and don’t want to lose her, but I have finally realized that I will lose her and it appears that it will be in the not too distant future if the doctor and hospice are right.
Dating again? My dear Marilyn has been gone in the nursing home for 4 1/2 months now. When I visit I am MOM and she is happy, clean and well cared for. I haven't had the feeling to check in with Alz spouse since It reminds me how devistating this disease is. This topic raised its head last week when I was introduced to a nice Widowed lady. We made plans for lunch and conversation at a local restaraunt. I haven't been out with another woman by myself for 37 years and it felt strange. As uncomfortable as it was we had a nice chat and spent 2 hours talking. After leaving she contacted me and asked for another date? I guess thats what it was to her. I went the other way and felt feelings of guilt being with another woman, especially when my DW is locked away with no chance of parole. These feelings have brought me back to the only people who can understand what I'm going through. All I can seem to do is sit around wishing she was back. Back to the question? I believe that we all must make our own mind up to accept or not being with another person. I have found through an encounter that I am not near ready since I can't even take care of myself yet. All I can do is miss my beautiful wife for now.
You are wise to recognize what you can and cannot handle at this time. There may be a time while your wife is still living that you will feel comfortable sharing a meal and talking with another woman. That may not happen until your wife passes away. Trust your instincts and do what feels right to you.
I am a living example of "Not EVER!". I spent years caring for my DH, and he died in my arms, in our home. I loved him so much. No one could ever replace him.
But then- through a series of coincidences and through mutal friends, I met a man I had known casually over 30 years ago. He's a close friend of some of my friends. I was in Austin Tx, visiting my daughter and adult grandchildren, and we met for lunch. - and talked until 5:00. He is nothing at all like my late husband. Totally opposite. However, we just "fit" together. We felt like we had been friends forever. He'd been alone for fifteen years, .. he insisted he wasn't interested in a serious relationship. We even agreed (up front) about that.
We will be married on September 3, 2011. Never say never!
September 3rd is a good date for marrying, Nancy -- that's the same date that Frances and I chose back in 1949 -- hope you're as happy as we were! GO, TEXAS GAL!
I wonder if I can ask you a question? Don't feel you have to answer.
Would you say that it's possible that part of the reason you're engaged is because both of you having decided nothing was going to happen let both of you relax and be yourselves more and 'Bob's your uncle'? In other words by not looking for it - it found you.
See, I have this idea that if we are looking for a relationship that greatly impedes us finding one; but, if we are not and are thinking mostly just about what we're doing - then it's more likely that we find one.
I think you hit the nail on the head, Wolf. We all know when we are looking for something its usually hard to find and then shows up after we've stopped looking!
I was divorced with small children and NOT looking when I met DH, we married after courting for three years and later this month will celebrate 32nd anniversary. If I have an "after", I don't plan on "looking" but if love finds me again I probably will NOT walk away. I know in the past I've said I would never marry again, but believe that was said when I was in the particularly bad stages of caregiving and I've mellowed considerably.
Weejun, I think I am like you. Right now I don't want another man in my life. What I really want is my DH back. But we all know that can never happen. But I will not close the door on someone else. Just can't think about it now.
Nancy B, I am so happy for you. May you have true happiness! My heart is happy for you.
So I'm kind of thinking about all this stuff and leaf through my highschool yearbook and try and imagine what I would be doing if my DW were in a home or passed on. I can't afford to get hung up by stunning thoughts. They're not so stunning after a hundred times with a hundred percent chance of happening.
So I go to Classmates and sign up to take a look. Lots of names I recognize. Some people I knew. Last entry in 2009. As it should be. Still, it would have been nice if it was active. Like a little lifeline to a better time.
So then today I suddenly decide to look at eHarmony. Look at your matches it says. Ok. I'll take a look. So I have to fill out a hundred questions and the deeper I go into it, the more I stop and ask ethical questions. What am I doing? (I'm taking a look). Why am I doing this? (because it's coming to a theatre near you). I'm not interested and I'm not going in falsely (I had to put a status and ticked 'widower'). It kept making references to what my 'matches' would see and it's just supposed to show me MY matches. I hate false pretense. I'm just having a look. So I dropped everything like picture and personal comment which eHarmony kept telling me would greatly reduce my chances which is why I was doing it. I felt that it was morally ethical for me to come and take a look at what this was but not to get noticed by anyone.
It was a strong experience. There were 11 in what I assume is a small sampling since my friend who actually joined got hundreds and the only thing he has I don't is lots more money (hmmmm). Anyway, all of them were between 49 and 65 (I'm 60) and every one of them sounded very nice. The questions were neatly cross referenced where for instance on one page you might answer that other's opinion matter to you but on another you admit that you fight hard to get your way. On one page you might describe one of your strongest traits as being 'genuine'. I did and all 11 had that word or a synonym in it. But on another page there were questions that clearly tested that. So people whose answers align across all the questions have a strong tendancy and are easier to match. People who have conflicting answers are more complicated and less easy I would predict.
I felt that I had done wrong but I learned something valuable. I will do what helps me to understand this situation and what I learned was that all those nice people were genuinely looking for someone who had similar things about them that might match. Every one of them had grown children and all of them sounded truly nice (to me because they were matched).
I came away having respect for the whole thing. My friend who's wife died 1 1/2 years ago has met someone through there and they are enjoying each other and going slow. It is clearly for people who are looking for a relationship that could grow. And it's clear that eHarmony takes it seriously. I wish them all luck. Having now taken a look I will never be back unless I'm seriously looking and willing to go through the steps. So I won't be back. That's not me. But I believe it's a good idea for people who are looking.
One of the harder things my friend said was when you found yourself enjoying each other's company say at a second dinner and then found out something that really wouldn't work. My friend never misses sunday mass as an RC. Anyone serious would need to be compatible. That doesn't come out in the questionaire (although it's covered reasonably such as how important is religious faith to you - ahh but which faith?) or the first get together and some people email a fair bit before agreeing to a dinner or something. Some are willing to get to know each other without an agenda and some excuse themselves because they really are looking for someone and hope to meet them soon.
The whole thing is rather civilized really and people are bothering because they're intentions are real. Anyway, I thought I'd share my experience so that anyone else might vicariously. I've researched it, gone through a test experience, and now I understand as fully as anyone what it is.
I think just in the sense of balance I should also go to a strip club to further my research (or a chip'n'dale's if I were female). Testing the other end of the sincerity spectrum just for thoroughness.
The date I had didn't work out, he was the one with the chip on his shoulder. I hope to stay "juicy" for awhile yet as I had such a wonderful marriage with DH, that I'm sure there is another wonderful man out there somewhere. I hope I never get bitter on life as there's life in this ol' gal yet !! I still wanta dance through the rest of whatever life I have left. JB says it how it is with me !
PS Thanks for the grin,Wolf when I read about your experience with e-harmony, I have seen it advertised over here on TV but never been game to try it. I must add that I don't ever want to remarry again, but it would be nice to have a companion for travel, outings etc., before I get too old !
Oh, Nancy (&Gchipper) what a wonderful day to choose. DH & I married Sept 3, 1950, married 53 yrs when he died. I loved him so much, we had a good marriage, certainly well suited, but sometimes thing went awry, I never knew why until it turned out to be AD. Still, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. When my father died, my mother made it clear--no more men, not now, not ever, altho it was a good marriage.
But I always felt I'd want another man in my life, wasn't too sure about marriage again. I, too, looked at dating sites, had a few coffees, nothing came of any of it, they wanted too much--someone to cook & entertain their friends, someone who woke up happy every morning, I couldn't guarantee such things.
The week DH died an old friend of his called to offer sympathy. I knew who he was but didn't know him otherwise, never even spoke to him. We had occasional lunch--no dating, we'd talk about DH and that was very comforting. He was divorced for 30 yrs, said he'd never remarry, didn't want to have to rush home because the little lady had dinner waiting on the table. I told him that was fine, I didn't want to be the little lady waiting at home with dinner on the table either.
After 7 months or so, we realized we enjoyed being together, we liked each other, laughed a lot--which I'd been told I hadn't done for some time when I was DH's CG. Today we see each other once a week & on special occasions--parties, etc. He lives 40 mins away, we both have our own lives, our children & g'children, our own homes. We are so old now we can't imagine anyone else putting up with such old geezers, but we still laugh and talk and lunch, and whatever. We've been thru a lot together, each w/surgeries, concerns about the children, retirement, medical care, house maintenance, etc--not what DH & I talked about when we were young & we fuss about politics, religion and everything else. I admit I was open to the idea, unlike my Mother. Why one feels one way or another, I couldn't say, but I do believe each person should--must--do what makes them feel comfortable.
And, Nancy, I'll be thinking of on Sept 3. My cousin went thru this, remarried and was never happier, I wish the same for you. Blessings, Betty
Good for you Bettyhere, you have the best of both worlds, so lucky to have found someone for what seems like the ideal relationship. Congrats. Nancy and all good wishes to you.
I am playing with this idea now. Sigh...I don't know. My kids and my husband's family are very encouraging of the idea that it's ok for me to have companionship, because they've been close to our situation for the whole ride and realize that I've been emotionally alone for many years even prior to last Spring's placement.
Under the tutelage of my daughters, I made an OkCupid profile. They tell me this is cool. They tell me people just use this method to expand their social contacts and meet new people, and that it doesn't have to be a big heavy DATING thing.
Still, the responses after just a few days are really daunting. Not because people aren't nice...they seem very nice (and I am very up-front about my situation,) but I really just sort of want to ACCIDENTALLY meet someone with whom I can occasionally have a nice dinner and conversation. I don't really want a big "available" flag waving over my head, because that's not where I feel like I am. I really do need to increase my exposure to new people, and add interesting activities to my life. I'm just not sure that's the way I want to do it. I guess the nice thing about online sites are that you can ignore them.
This is your decision and yours alone. Do what makes you comfortable.
That said, appreciate your kids and husband's family. They are supporting you, loving you and will not stand in the way of what you want. Many families would oppose you dating, even after your husband's death. So even if you decide not to date, tell them that you appreciate their support and that you're not ready.
But these dating sites aren't really successful. So think of it this way, if you find on OkCupid someone who you would like a nice dinner and conversation, it is very similar to accidentally meeting someone. The odds aren't much better. I don't think you are waving a big flag over your head. And yes, you can ignore any responses.
If you are happier just doing social or semi-social things that you haven't been doing or you want to try, do that. Even if you don't meet anyone you want to share a dinner, the activity itself should be rewarding to you.
I would say ignore the dating aspect at all and look at activities that you want to try (yes, you might not like some of them after all but others you might love) and think about how you would like to meet new people.
Perhaps looking at responses and profiles could become a family activity?
Paul--yes, haha. It was. I had my adult girls reading over my shoulder and evaluating. I agree with the general advice that as we begin to try to increase our worlds, the best method is to engage in activities of interest.
This has to sound really odd coming from someone who runs a website where people interact for support, BUT I would be leary of meeting someone online. When my time comes to look for companionship, I am pretty sure I will go the "acitvities" route. Join clubs or go to activities that interest you - even if you don't find male companionship, you most likely will find some new single female friends. As I am about to venture out into the world in this new year, I realize that I fit in with "single" female friends now. Not "couples" friends.
I actually more or less agree with you Joan. The interesting thing is how I've gotten in contact with a couple people from right here in the town where I live who found me on the website. Whereas, I have largely ignored notes from farther afield.
Emily- I have several ex-co-workers (men) who have lost their spouses to cancer. They told me they resorted to on line dating and two of them remarried finding future spouses from different sites.
Our daughter registered on Cupdid.com because it was free. She said she liked the fact that she could weed out men she wasn't interested in based on their profile (smoking, un educated etc..). After many different dates she has found one whom she thinks the relationship could "go somewhere".
My FIL moved in with someone 5 months after he burried his wife with EOAD. He remarried less than a year after her death. Our daughter was not happy that her grampa did this so soon. For that reason I'll probably refrain from getting into any kind of relationship while my husband is alive. My new years resolution is to have more "me" time and doing different activities without my husband possibly traveling with our daughter.
Good luck to you and be thankful you have the support of yours and your husband's family.
For what it is worth, I am seeing someone. We live 150 miles apart so it is not that often but we do face time on the I pad and it helps me immensely. When I started the Alz journey in 2008 I swore to myself that never again would I marry someone. I guess what I am saying is leave the door open. You never know what will happen. All I can say is this relationship is helping me cope with the caretaking and I am taking one day at a time. I believe one must get the support wherever it presents itself and this opportunity presented itself. I believe everything happens for a reason. I enjoy and love the time to myself but I am finding that I also enjoy interacting with someone who has an intact brain. I experienced some guilt at first but no more because I can see how much it helps me. Happy New Year everyone.
I ended up finding the experience overwhelming, given Jeff's declining condition and my nature. I don't want and am not ready for that kind of attention, even if you can ignore it. I did meet a local business owner who turns out to have known Jeff and is very fond of him. I think we can be occasional social company, and that is fine for now.
I agree with Joan as I would leery of meeting on line. It's a dangerous world out there filled with not so nice people. When the time comes for me to start dating I will prefer the old fashioned method of relying on friends to fix me up or church. I have been though so much betrayal and infidelity because of this disease I seriously question if I can ever enter into another relationship after being burned to ashes. The pain is so devastating.
Dave here: I am exploring the whole idea of being alone and being a single. It is rather breath taking after so many decades. A friend's husband has AD, about the same stage as my wife (6). They live 250 miles away, but she calls me about once a month and we talk for an hour, mostly about AD and our spouses. We have been friends for about 25 or 30 years, so we know each other pretty well. It is good just to talk with an adult who knows what is going on. A dear friendship? Definitely yes. Romance? Not a chance. But I treasure that friendship.
I know people who, while they don't want to remarry, do have committed relationships. Reasons are many not the least of which is estates matters. That said, God gave us life, a life to live. I don't see anything terrible with going out with friends. If you feel as if there would be town talk, then go in a group...You are not neglecting your spouse...he doesn't know who you are anymore...all the same you are taking care of him and have been for YEARS. We need to learn to live in a normal world again and that is not easy for some of us. So step into the shallow end first and after you learn to swim, you will have a better notion of what really will be right for you.
Although I am also nowhere near this stage yet, I think that as with so many other decisons we have been making as loving spouse caregivers, there is no right or wrong here. Each of us must do what feels 'right' and 'comfortable' for each of us, whether that means simply seeking new companionship or seeking a more romantic relationship, and how we go about finding that is also up to each of us. When each of us is ready, we must do what we must do ... and we must not let ourselves feel 'guilted' by other's opinions about whatever decisions we make.
I am in no way ready to "date". But I desperately crave adult, in depth, interesting conversation. What would it be like to talk to someone one night about a news story, and then be able to reference the same story the next night, and continue on the conversation? That loss leaves a HUGE hole in my life.
Nah, no dating here. It would just be nice to have a "friend" of the opposite sex to go to dinner with and a movie with. Someone to share a cup of coffee and a good laugh. Someone to share a smile with...just someone to spend a little time sharing good conversation. This would fill the canyon of lonliness which I crave and haven't experienced in many years.
Yeah...missing the basic conversation, laughter, continuity of shared discussion, etc is a biggie. And you could fill that gap if you find someone whose company you enjoy. But I would add this word of warning, which depends on your personal libido level and such--If you're physically attracted to your conversation-mate, and vice-versa, it's going to be mighty hard to keep things strictly conversational. So this is something that probably ought to be thought about. If not now, you'll surely have to think about it later.
I would go one step further- how many of us married someone we were "just friends" with and then fell in love? When you spend time with someone with whom you have shared interests it can be a great foundation for more. even if you're not looking.