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  1.  
    So I'm at Wal-mart buying a bag of dog food for the dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???
    So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. "I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. I lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms."
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. "All you do is load your pockets with food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I am going to try it again." (I should add that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, this chick asked if I ended up in ICU because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, "no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me." I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
    Now that you've read this I have to confess, I copied it. Now copy and share. Make someone else laugh.
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeApr 30th 2016
     
    That's really funny, Mary.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeApr 30th 2016
     
    When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
    One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
    Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via FS.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 3rd 2016
     
    (2)
    Hotwhee148@aol.com
    To hotwhee148@aol.com
    Today at 3:06 PM





    A Nun Grading Papers

    CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

    PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

    KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

    1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

    2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

    3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

    4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

    5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH

    6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

    7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

    8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

    9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

    10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

    11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

    12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

    13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

    14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

    15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

    16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

    17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

    18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

    19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.



    20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 



    21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.



    22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.



    23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.



    24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

    25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


    Aren't Children great!!
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 3rd 2016
     
    SPANISH OYSTERS

    An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.

    While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter
    being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
    The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
    Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight. this morning. A delicacy!'

    The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'

    The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day
    because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place
    your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

    The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served
    the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his
    platter, he called to the waiter and said,
    'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you
    serve yesterday.'

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
  2.  
    Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal

    A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
    his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
    price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

    He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
    model it for him.

    Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so
    sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the
    modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

    She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

    The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron
    it!"

    He never heard the shot.

    Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.
    The coffin will be closed.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 13th 2016
     
    Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
    "Windows frozen, won't open."

    Husband texts back:
    "Pour some hot water around the edges and then gently tap it with hammer."

    Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
    "Now we need a new computer."
    • CommentAuthormyrtle*
    • CommentTimeMay 13th 2016 edited
     
    Ol’ don, That was funny! It reminds me of something that actually happened to me yesterday:

    My friend Sandy lives in a town 7 miles from the town where I live. She heard I was decorating my backyard shed as a garden oasis and yesterday she texted me that she had an old rug I could use in the shed. I happened to be in her town when I got the text. Here is a copy of our texts.

    Myrtle: I am in [your town] now. Can I stop at your house in a half-hour and pick up the rug?

    Sandy: No. I actually have an appointment in [your town] in 20 minutes, so I'm leaving now. Why don’t I leave the rug outside the garage for you?

    Myrtle: OK. Thanks.

    - - - - - - -

    Myrtle: When I got home the rug was not outside my garage. I hope no one stole it.

    Sandy: I left it outside MY garage.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 13th 2016
     
    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

    Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she ask the sales clerk,

    "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies, "Yes we do have dildos.
    Actually we carry many different models."

    The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy AAA pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss
    lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss Ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?"

    The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."

    "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 15th 2016
     
    Remember these?
    Heavens to Murgatroyd!
    Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd? Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really!

    The other day a not so elderly (65) (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new) phrase! He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old but not that old.

    Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
    About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry.”

    Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.

    Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat!
    Holy moley!
    We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

    Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?

    Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.;
    of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.
    Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
    We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! or, This is a fine kettle of fish! we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

    Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?

    Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it.Hey! It's your nickel.

    Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper.

    Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels.

    It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff !
    We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.
    We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.

    See ya later, alligator!
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 15th 2016
     
    A priest offered a Nun a lift..

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
    It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeMay 16th 2016
     
    Biker Wouldn't Give Police Officer A Last Name

    An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. "Fred," the man replies.
    "Fred what?" the officer asks.

    "Just Fred," the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

    The biker replies, "It’s a long story, so stay with me.

    I was born Fred Johnson.

    I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 4th 2016
     
    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
    A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

    Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
    The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.

    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
    When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral...
    I'm a gynecologist"

    The proctologist fainted.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 12th 2016
     
    Smile Some of the oldie goldies are the best . . .

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
    walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
    One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
    Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

    The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
    Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we
    learned in class."

    Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached
    him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and
    couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the
    syndrome you might have.

    Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first
    you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

    The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said,
    "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you
    have Zovitzki Syndrome."

    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

    So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

    The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!
  3.  
    Old Don..I always enjoy your posts.....guaranteed to make anyone laugh......thanks for the humor
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 12th 2016
     
    Phranque trying to sell my homes,looking at homes in Sebring(you might be familiar with the area)maybe if things work out we'll "do lunch again some day"
  4.  
    Old Don......Thanks again for your contributions.
    They brighten up my day and I love to pass
    them on to friends........
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2016
     
    GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

    . . . and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home
    protection.

    When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier
    said "Strip down, facing me."

    Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
    running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she
    was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

    I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

    They need to make their instructions to Seniors a little clearer.

    I still don't think I looked that bad.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2016
     
    Smile Arkansas Love Story

    Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about
    it all, she told her pappy so.

    Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal" you'll have to find another. I'd just as
    soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother.

    So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.

    But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still." You
    can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother, cause Will and
    Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."

    But mama knew and said "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will
    or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeJun 14th 2016
     
    Have you consulted babe about the proposed sale of your house? If she isn't happy, you won't let you be, either. At the very least, she will expect all the perks of her present residence, plus maybe a pool.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 15th 2016
     
    The hound and I have had a long conversation about her future living quarters,we both were in agreement that a pool would be a top priority,since my main reason to move...well getting away from the snow was #1...#2 was the fishing that I expect to do daily,her approval of the fishing can be gained by how many treats I leave her,however I'm right back where I started about 5 years ago with the exception of now owning both ends.At least I won't have to go to court to prove ownership this time...............
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeJun 15th 2016
     
    So will you fish in the lake? I googled Sebring, and it look very nice, temperature is right and population low enough to be friendly. Babe will be a big asset in meeting people. Wish I could join you when you meet with Phranque for lunch. Raise one for me when you do.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 17th 2016
     
    wouldn't it be great to get all the folks that have been here from say ten years ago together for a reunion of sorts,lots of stories there,laughs and tears.............
  5.  
    Don, I'm probably in for a lunch get together with you and Frank whenever, and if you wanted to meet at some halfway point like Okeechobee City we might even be able to entice Joan and Nora to show up.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2016
     
    that sounds good to me,thats where I plan to spend lots of time on the lake,now all I have to do is sell both homes
  6.  
    Don, selling two homes shouldn't be a problem -- you could probably buy real estate sales class notes from Trump University real cheap these days!
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 19th 2016
     
    lol the lesser of two evils?
  7.  
    I think it's called a Hobson's Choice!
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 20th 2016
     
    Smile Reasons To Like Beer, . . . by 7 Year Olds

    A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.


    7-year-old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

    7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

    7-year-old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

    7-year-old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

    7-year-old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

    7-year-old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

    7-year-old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

    7-year-old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

    7-year-old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my daddy. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
  8.  
    WAITING FOR YOU ON THE PORCH
    On the sixth day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door
    of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
    For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
    and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good.

    Also on the sixth day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
    do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
    life span."
    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
    time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God, again saw it was good.

    Also on the sixth day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
    field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
    have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
    give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
    years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
    And God agreed it was good.

    Also on the sixth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
    marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
    twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave
    back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
    ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
    family.
    For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
    grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at
    everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
    as a public service.
    If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 23rd 2016
     
    George does that make us curmugeon's?
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 23rd 2016
     
    A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

    The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

    She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

    The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

    The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

    When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
  9.  
    Il Don...........I don't know much about curmugeons but I have to tell you this true story.

    ....... Hillary was the only bachelor in our Lion's Club a few years ago, and we were having a great discussion about the Viagra adds we were seeing on television. In particular, the line about "If your erection lasts longer than four hours, call your doctor right away". Hillary, who is usually kind of quiet, Shouts out............"What a bunch of baloney that is.........If I had an erection that lasted four hours, I would never, ever, call a doctor......I would call every girl friend that I ever knew"
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 24th 2016
     
    George I thought the same thing when I heard the ad,the new ad for Cialas talks about when you don't have time to find a restroom,who the hell would look for a restroom at that time? anyway......


    Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

    One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads?"

    "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

    "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

    "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

    "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

    "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 24th 2016
     
    "Jesus is watching you!"

    Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He
    tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when
    he heard a loud voice say:

    "Jesus is watching you!"

    Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

    "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

    The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he
    looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the
    cage was a parrot.

    He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

    "Yes", said the parrot.

    The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's
    your name?"

    "Clarence," said the bird.

    "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
    named you Clarence?"

    The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler behind you
    Jesus."

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 24th 2016
     
    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

    The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

    The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

    The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

    The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 26th 2016
     
    Looks like darned near everything has a health warning now! I did not know this ...

    When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

    When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

    When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

    When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

    Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

    Warn all your friends!
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJun 26th 2016
     
    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
    human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
    should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!" "I'm going
    to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will
    then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
    increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
    "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
    part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
    the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
    continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One,
    you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three,
    one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2016
     
    Good:

    A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
    getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was
    standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP
    AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
    sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

    Better:

    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
    automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
    the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
    another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

    Best:

    A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
    walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I
    bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
    He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of
    silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
    closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing
    too hard to start her car for several minutes.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 5th 2016
     
    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down


    The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"


    "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"


    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble


    "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.


    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.


    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!


    There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.


    With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.


    "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"


    "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
  10.  
    Great one old don......you always make me laugh.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 7th 2016
     
    I hope to do that over a cold one some day Phranque,in the mean time,my prayers are with you and the family
  11.  
    Keep it up Ol Don. I use your jokes at the weekly "happy hour" at our retirement village. Somehow I've been elected to tell one joke each week.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 8th 2016
     
    Good ol Confucius . . . ! Him be wise beyond most.

    Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you.

    Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

    Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

    Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.

    Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn’t know if he's coming or going.

    Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

    Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

    Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

    Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

    Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 8th 2016
     
    A serious fishing hazard . . .

    The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling with anger and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    "What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

    "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home . . . and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"


    "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Rachel would NEVER do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile on her face.

    "I told you there must be a simple explanation . . . she didn't receive your E-mail!"
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 8th 2016
     
    Smile The Lion Tamer . . .

    A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

    One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

    The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

    The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

    The lion stops dead in his tracks, then sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

    The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

    He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

    The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, . . . just get that lion out of there.”
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJul 9th 2016
     
    "Yes I know. But we had money left over so now we're going to sea world."

    That's the best joke I've heard in a long time. I've thought about that joke half a dozen times. It's fabulous in how nobody did anything wrong and it's just that they're in completely different worlds.

    You never flag at trying to give others something to smile about Don and that is a great thing to do.
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 11th 2016
     
    The romantic wife...

    A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:



    If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.



    If you are laughing, send me your smile.



    If you are eating, send me a bite.



    If you are drinking send me a sip.



    If you are crying, send me your tears.



    I love you!"



    The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,




    "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
    •  
      CommentAuthorol don*
    • CommentTimeJul 11th 2016
     
    Smile Wednesday humor -- Meeting The Pope

    A rich American tourist was on holiday in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long queue with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

    As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

    This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay 1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

    The next morning the American stood in the queue, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear ... "I thought I told you to get lost.”
    • CommentAuthorFiona68
    • CommentTimeJul 12th 2016
     
    ol don, you are the BEST! Every time I read one of your jokes, it makes my week!! Thank you.