I can’t believe my DW is now on Hospice. She was admitted to the Alzheimer Care Facility on January 14th. We’ve been married almost 46 years and I’ve never lived alone and even though it was like being alone when she was still living at home, I’ve had a very difficult time adjusting it and I visit her often. We would just sit and hold hands and she would say “I love you” and “talk to me”. She would walk all throughout the facility and with the spring weather I was looking forward to taking her outside. About a week or so go she started falling and needed a wheelchair and now has stopped eating and barely taking any fluids and today, Hospice was called in. My emotions have been on a rollercoaster today. Logically, I know she doesn’t want to live like this and that it would be a blessing for her to pass on. Emotionally, I’m a wreck, I thought I was ready and could handle this part of this horrible disease but now I don’t know…..
I'm so sorry to hear that all these changes have been happening to your wife so quickly. Just know that many people are holding you in their thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.
DH and I have been married 40 years. It's never a long enough time when you love somebody, is it?
We are here for you Jerry. Vent, cry, question, etc. all you want here so you can be stronger for her in these last days. You will be OK. Others here can testify to it.
I'm really going to hate this part. I mean when we really see them decline physically. I've been realizing this last few days another level of the overpowering realities. The understanding of what comes can be known but the gut gets kicked in anyway. I saw her in my mind on feeding tubes, unable to swallow, pressure sores. She's not there yet but it's within the year or so I think that a NH will come into my life and those things will follow.
I'm sorry Jerry. I wish I could believe there was something I could say. The truth is I have never actually feared for myself before. It's been and is about getting through this and how little she can do or how little there is of her in there. I'm coming to be more honest and I know there isn't going to be much of me left when this is finally going to be all over and I can face the worst truth of all - which is that I'm so lonely I could squeeze blood out of a stone and when I really am alone there's an actual threat to my sanity longer term.
This is an extremely tough part of all this. Those are just words. I'm scared. I hate admitting that but I know how drained and depressed I feel now and when I have to watch her suffer I honestly don't know what that's going to do to me. I can't tell you how much I feel for you.
Get out for a walk every day you can for half an hour. Make sure you're eating. Try and take your mind off for periods with some television, or family, or anything. If I don't occupy my mind - it dwells and dwells on this. Put on a radio so you hear what's going on in the world and around you.
I've been so wrapped up I have to remind myself what day it is and sometimes I'm two days out. I thought it was the 20th today. I have a purpose right now which is getting through the days with both of us intact. You still go to see her - but the keeping of the household together for yourself I suspect is what will suffer. At least I think that's what will happen to me.
This board can also help where men especially would do well to be more open and in touch with emotions. Those things can kill us when we pretend we don't have them. Talking or writing about huge things in our lives can help us get through them.
Jerry, I am sorry your wife had to go on Hospice, I can only imagine how you feel and I hope you find some comfort knowing you were the best caregiver you could be. God Bless.
Jerry I am so sorry. We think we are prepared. We say the passing will be a blessing. In reality is just another kick in the gut. All I can say is I wish peace to you both.
Jerry, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's probably tougher on us men because we have so much trouble letting out our emotions. Yesterday I attended a "Men's" support group meeting, which was a big help. Also yesterday I looked at 2 ALF facilities that have a memory unit. Unfortunately, the one I liked best feels that my wife is too far along to qualify for their facility. They're going to do an evaluation of her next week. The other problem is that, although they advertise that they have short-term respite, they don't have any openings at this point, so I'm reluctant to get my plane tickets for my daughter's retirement party in June. Last year, when my wife was on hospice they took care of the 5 days respite. That's one reason I wish she were back on hospice.
I went through that with my mom..Hospice came in and they were wonderful..helped me more than they did her actually. The nurses explained over and over what was going on and had me grounded for the fact that it could be weeks or days or even less before my mom would slide to health again....they wanted to make sure my mental health was stable to deal with this inasmuch as my dad was not doing well either.
I was schooled up on what I would see in terms of changes and told to call..call I did with so many useful hints to help make mom more comfortable ( she was at home)...and still there was this pang...I don't want her to go but I don't want her to suffer like this, she would hate it...and when the end came for us and her new beginning it was a sucker punch just the same...but the hospice staff was with us, did so much for us that after a little while, while mom was still in her home, we were able to talk about her, her illness, some of the sad parts and some of the funny things too...like when she smoked her carrot like it was a ciggie...and tossed her scallions across the room, something she once loved to munch on but later took a dislike to...and other things...I can't say enough good things about Hospice...
I wish you peace and strength as you travel what seems like the last part of this terrible journey..there are soooooooo many sad sad sad horrifically sad twists and turns in the disease process as we step by step lose our loved one to this monster...bit by bit it cuts our hearts to ribbons..and then there is the last one where our LO is at peace and we are left with pieces now struggling to find peace.
Jerry, I know no words can take away the sorrow and fear in your heart. Just know one thing. Others have gone though your same journey and we do make it through to the other side. Each in their own way. I have good months and occasionally a bad day...because I had a great love. We will keep you both in our hearts and prayers. If you have not made preliminary arrangements, such as selecting a funeral home and just giving them a call, (someone gave me this advice), it will be a huge help when and if the time comes. No rushing around in grief trying to decide. Initially, they only want to know the name, age, birthdate, SS number and where she is located. That's all. Hospice gave me that advice and I was glad I listened. I was in shock and shaky when my DH died. - so it was good that the funeral home was on call. Not a good thought, but this is good advice for every one of us. Nancy B*
Jerry, I hope that her wishes are upheld, and that you can have peace knowing that her wishes are being enforced. I do not want to be in your shoes, but I know that I will be. Keep strong and if you can do that feel free to let it out here.
Jerry, I am so sorry! Even though we know it will eventually happen I am sure that it is nothing like actually going through it. Please come here often and let us be of what little help we can be.
Today has been pretty awful, I thought the day I placed her at the care facility was the worst day of my life, it wasn’t. I spent most of the day with my dear wife and with the Hospice people and signing many forms. I think that she new that I was there, holding her hand and talking to her but I’m not sure. The Hospice nurse thinks that it may only be a matter of a few more hours, however, it could be days.
I want to thank all of you for your kind thoughts and support, it does help and means a lot to me.
Thanks Wolf, I try to eat a balanced diet (not always easy) and exercise almost every day with eight mile runs or 15 mile bicycle rides that are a great stress release and a time to meditate that I could not of managed any other way. As far as listing to or watching the “news”, I’m trying to cut back from “too much”. Marsh, yes I’m one who tries to keep my emotions under control but I’m certainly letting out my emotions at this time.
My daughter was with me for part of the day and is going back this evening to be with her Mom and I will go again tomorrow, unless called sooner. My daughter lives about 15 minutes from the care facility and I’m about 45 minutes from it.
This is the hardest time for everyone and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Just remember God is holding your hard through these hard times and you will be fine after she is gone. You have so many wonderful memories and that will get you through this. I will be praying for both of you. God bless.
Today, DW is resting comfortably (the Hospice care is wonderful), not sure that she is ever aware of my presents but I talk to her anyway. Still not eating or taking in any fluids, but I’m told her heart is strong and that it could take several more days or longer for her to pass. I am doing a little better today, however, the difficultly is beyond words.
Jerry, I just can not imagine what you are going through...... one just can not prepare for this. I am glad you have your daughter with you. Keep talking to your dear wife, I believe with all my heart that our words ARE heard and that they feel our love. I pray for peace for all of you. Keeping you deep in my heart, thoughts and prayers ♥
This is the hardest part of this journey..these weeks, days or hours as we try to tell our loved one how much we love them, how much we will miss them but that it is ok for them to wing their way to health again....this push pull time...not wanting our loved one to exist in the situation knowing how much they would hate it and yet not wanting them to leave us...
I wish for you strength and peace...and join the others with arms around..I have been where you are with my mom who suffered this disease as well as my favorite uncle..and as hard as that was I know this is even harder..
When you're not jogging through Alaska or biking in the Tour de France, I really do think you should watch your driving. Having biceps larger than Arnold's head or pecs so formed THEY have pecs won't help you concentrate while you're under huge strain.
I know what you mean about going for 8,000 mile runs and biking straight uphill for the sheer joy of it. I had to bend over twice once to pick something up and my abs were just popping.
Hang in there. Focus on what you're doing. As the hours build so does the strain.
With respect, I don't want my wife to linger through not being able to swallow and pressure sores everywhere because she can't use her limbs suffering endless months because she's young like your poor wife is and is likely to go all the way a long way through that living nightmare. I have followed one story like that to it's bitter end and I hope for my wife that somewhere along the way she suddenly declines and passes relatively quickly sparing her from many months of utter misery.
There isn't anything about this that is fortunate. But I hope for my poor wife that she does not go through that utterly awful drawn out process in order to be released from her suffering.
Stay strong Jerry. Focus on what you're doing. This is when accidents happen.
Dear friends I hesitate to write this-but I hope it will help. Those of you who know me know how long our struggle was-4 years on hospice-at end stage. My husband was fairly young and healthy. I feel in my heart that Bill was not aware of what was going on. He slowly spiralled down. He was not in pain and with excellant care didn't develop pressure sores. It is very important to be proactive with skin care. Much easier to prevent problems than to try to heal them-because they won't heal. Gradually Bill could no longer swallow. Diet gradually changed from chopped to pureed. Eventually he began choking on his own saliva. A scopolamine patch helped tremendously. Morphine eased air hunger. He was kept in bed only on his last day of life. His passing was very peaceful. Why do I write this-to reassure those behind me that the end is a release and not a terrible event.
Thankfully my DW is in a top quality care facility. The head nurse states emphatically, “My residents don’t and will not have bed sores”. I am headed back down to the care facility, to be with my dear wife.
My dear Susie (64 years young) died peacefully today, March 25, 2011 at 9:45am, MDT after a 10 year battle with Alzheimer’s Disease. There will be no service and her ashes will be scattered (as per her wishes) in the Jemez Mountains of New Mexico.
I’m doing okay (I think) and have a lot of support from family and friends and of course, everyone here.
My heartfelt condolences, Jerry, and my best wishes for your future. I was in your shoes 19 months ago, and can attest to the fact that "time heals everything".
Jerry, I am so sorry to hear this.....I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. I am glad you have people around you to support you and offer you comfort. Wishing you peace ..... keeping you deep in my heart, thoughts and prayers <3
Oh Jerry-I am so sad for you. So much lost. Please know we are here with you as your new battle begins. We are happy that our loved ones are no longer suffering-but we still feel the pain.