Sometimes I hear caregivers who have reached the "after" part of their journey say that they can then remember their spouses as they were before dementia entered the picture. We have been like this so long now that I can barely remember the "before" part of our marriage. It has gotten to the point that even in my dreams, DH has dementia, and I am trying to keep him from driving, or trying to protect him from something. Even in my dreams I can't get away from this any more.
I would really like to think that in the future I will be able to remember the other part of our lives together. We have been married 40 years, so you would think it would be easy to remember other stages. But after dealing with dementia every waking moment for eight years (and undiagnosed problems for years before that), that other part of our marriage is becoming a blur. Maybe it's blurring because right now it's too painful to think about how things used to be.
Please, if any of you who have completed this journey—if you are then able to remember other times and events, please tell me that you have been able to resurrect these memories. Tonight I need reassurance that this is not the only thing I will be able to remember about my husband and our marriage.
Jan K, I am not there yet but my heart goes out to you. I am praying for peace for you. Someone will come along and be able to give you assurance, all I can offer is my cyber arms and prayers..... Hope you have a better night and day tomorrow.....
My husband died 2 1/2 weeks ago, and I am still in angst about his suffering. But, more and more, thoughts are coming back of his true self, the one without the disease. I think it's going to be like childbirth. You're still pretty sore from the whole deal, but it in time it will be like all pain, forgotten.
All I can add is my understanding, Jan. I called a brother the other night to ask him if my DH was ever "normal". I can't remember. Sometimes I think the "before" was a hallucination that is fading.
Jan-I am in the "after" and can only share my experiences. We were married for 51 years. Most of them were good. When the monster took over it ruled our world. I couldn't remember any of the good times. When Bill passed it was a relief and at first I thought I was doing well. As the former good times started coming back the hurt began. That is where I am now. Bill died May 5th of this year and the smallest things bring the hurt to the forefront. Little things like seeing the Tootsie Rolls that he loved or watching the tennis players. I am trying to help our kids remember the good after so many years of the bad.
Jan, my husband died about 14 months ago. In the beginning, I remembered him as he was the years before he died, but gradually, those memories were pushed aside ..just as Bluedaze said..and I'd be reminded of him more and more when I'd see his favorite things. I'd pass through the men's department in Dillard's and pause when I'd see a shirt or sweater that he'd love.. and then remember that he was gone. Like being hit in the stomach!, right? The Almond Joy's, Buttered Pecan Icecream, his exclusively. I have actually bought the ice cream, brought it home and then realized what I had done. I do not like that flavor. What was I thinking?? He was such a funny guy. Had his own vocabulary. "galopiters, glubbins, .and we'd suggest he write a dictionary so we could keep up. Words from those days will pop into my head and I'll smile. (Glubbins were gloves or mittens, for example) And YES, Jan, those memories are in the forefront of my mind and his demented years, the mess he'd make, etc., are fading away more and more. I'll always remember Alzheimer's and what it did to my precious man..., but the aggravation and bothered feelings are totally gone from my mind. I'm eternally grateful for that.
I'm also an "after". It will be two years this coming Saturday that Claude passed on.
It took awhile, but I can now remember the 'before' - smile and even chuckle at some of the memories of nearly 39 years. Like most couples, we had our ups and downs, but I'm remembering the ups more than the downs.
He passed on about three weeks before his 87th birthday. On his birthday, the kids and I planted his favorite tree, a redbud, outside the dining room window. I noticed yesterday that it has started to bud out and will be blooming shortly. I remember how much he loved to see the redbuds bloom.
The good Lord only gives us what we can handle, and in his wisdom, he gives us the ability to forget the bad and remember the good.
Jan, I'd venture that those of us who easily and fondly remember the earlier "good years" are mostly the ones who have successfully moved on with their lives rather than wallowing in despair. My DW of 60 years died a year and a half ago, after a slow decline that spanned almost ten years, but during the last couple of years of her life I had come to accept the inevitability of her coming death and had begun thinking and working proactively toward an "after" for myself. Bottom line is that I re-married a dear old friend eleven months ago and have been too busy making new memories to spend much time feeling sorry for myself, etc. Memories of the last "bad" year or so when my DW required almost full time attention have long since taken flight -- it now requires a conscious effort on my part (like re-reading old email correspondence with family and friends, or watching videos shot during the "bad" years) to bring back those repressed memories, but the happy memories are with me whenever I think of places or food or music we enjoyed together.
We wish all this bad stuff hadn't happened, but it did, and there's nothing we can do about it but try to put it behind us and move on -- which is probably what our loved ones would have wished us to do.
Thanks so much for these inspiring comments: I'm still at the same spot as Jan K who started this thread. I cannot remember dh or much about our life together before AD. Even though it has only been about 5 years. I too hope that when all is over, I will be able to remember him as he used to be (in the first 40 years of our marriage).
On the other hand: This week I did something careless or stupid (honestly can't remember what) and surprised myself by thanking my lucky stars that dh would not be scathingly critical, as he used to be sometimes in the days before AD! Oh, yes, I missed an exit coming home from a visit and had to take a lengthy detour before getting back on track. Formerly -- and especially in the early days of AD -- he would have blown my head off. Now he didn't even notice. So there are (meager) compensations.
As others have said, I have been having more problems remembering what life was like pre-AD. This morning as I was sitting on the side of the bed, with DW in bed beside me, I had a flood of memories of our previous life - hiking, canoeing, skiing, sailing, eating out, trips with the kids, concerts, etc. It was quite overwhelming.
My husband has been gone 2 months and there will always be a hole in my heart and my life, but I find that when a I have sad memory, it is almost always followed by a wonderful one. I feel sad when I pass his favorite candy in he store and realize he is gone and there is no need to buy it, then I remember his smile when he was here and I did buy it. For every memory that makes me sad, I can find another that makes me happy. Our journey was relatively short, just 3 years, maybe that makes it a little easier to remember the "before".