Season’s Greetings to all my Spouse family – I thought some of you might be interested in a peek at one survivor’s life “on the other side of AFTER”. Fifteen months after losing my precious Frances, and eight months after remarriage to my second best sweetheart, Joyce, this old codger is doing pretty well. Good health (Marsh, I’m still walking 2+ miles most days – how about you?) and enjoying life about as well as an 82 year old could. Yeah, given my druthers I’d opt for my former life with a healthy Frances in a heartbeat, but there’s no profit in dwelling on unattainable things like that, so you just go with what you’ve got and try to make the best of it.
I guess I’ve been so occupied with establishing a new life with Joyce that I really haven’t had much time to grieve over Frances – or more likely I’d gotten most of that out of the way before she died – but in any event when I think of Frances now, it’s the old healthy and happy Frances of years ago – NEVER the frail bedridden creature of those final months. I shot some videos during those awful final months and guess I ought to just go ahead and destroy them – who would ever want to be reminded of something like that again? In just a few days Joyce will be coming up on the fifth anniversary of losing her husband (and my close friend), Earl, to a massive heart attack – evidently brought on with no warning by chemotherapy he’d just begun for lymphoma discovered only months earlier. She complains that she’d had no time to prepare for his death – so I guess there really isn’t a best way to go – quick like he did or drawn out like our spouses. But anyhow, it’s good that Joyce and I are able to talk fondly and easily about our former spouses – expressions they used to use, food preferences they had, fun experiences together, etc.
Adjusting to life with Joyce has been enough of an adventure to keep my so-said Type A personality challenged up to this point, but I'm afraid the truth is that she just doesn't have the energy level that I do, and I’ll confess to having begun to get just a little bored in recent weeks – enough so that I’ve started to let my moustache grow out again as a reminder to myself that I need to make a conscious effort to try rekindling former interests outside our marriage, or finding new interests. (I had shaved off my moustache of 40+ years on the first day of our honeymoon to symbolize my commitment to a new beginning – and I’ll probably shave it off again shortly, as she complains that it’s prickly.) As a start on finding additional stuff to do outside our marriage, I’ve contacted the hospice organization that helped us during Frances final three months and signed up for training as a hospice volunteer of some sort, I’ve set things in motion to possibly teach a few gourd carving classes, I’ve hooked up again with the bluegrass jam folks that afforded so much enjoyment for Frances, etc. Joyce and I will probably never have the unity of interests that Frances and I enjoyed, but that’s OK – it’s just something that I have to recognize and learn to deal with. Life goes on.
Son Bill helped me get boxes down from the attic yesterday so Joyce and I can put up a tree and decorations for a planned Christmas dinner for family – wish I could invite all of you!
GC, thanks for the update. I'm still going to the YMCA 3 days a week, while Marge is in day care.
Hope you can find something to clear the boredom. Being a hospice volunteer sounds like something that might work, since you've experienced it from the other side.
Enjoy your family at Christmas. We'll have our 2 daughters and family here, but our son probably won't be able to make it.
I was really surprised when you said 15 months. I am glad you are doing so well and have someone whose company you can enjoy and who can enjoy yours too. I hope everything continues to go great for you. best of luck.
Thanks for taking the time to let us know how you are doing. One irony that has always been on my mind about dementia caregiving--while the LO is alive (especially if they are still at home) we are up to our ears in responsibilities and have little time for leisure activities. Once they are gone (I presume) we have too much time on our hands. A struggle first to give up our lives to caregiving and then another when it is time to resume "normal" living!