You know how anxiety feels like an emotional knot, or a cluster of heavy storm clouds on the verge of raining, which resides just in your chest between your heart/lungs and throat?
I noticed something today, and I know I've noticed it before, but today I had to stop and consider it for some reason. We'd just finished reading (I read aloud to Jeff--usually something like Bill Bryson, currently "The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid,"--which we both enjoy very much,) and reading is a very nice time in our day, among the things we do together such as walking the dog, going out for lunch...stuff. So I should feel as content and relaxed as I ever do.
But I observed that the anxiety storm is there in my chest, just as much as ever. That it always lives there, almost no matter what, to the extent that I just accept its presence as normal and go about my routine without getting hung up or paying much heed to it.
It never goes away. I don't even remember what it's like to not have it. I remember that a state of not-anxiety exists, but I don't suppose I've felt that way in 6 years or so.
The only difference, I guess, is that anxiety does not make me non-functional. I function reasonably well--anxiety is simply one of the default conditions.
Hi Emily. I was not really sure exactly what anxiety meant. I googled it and came up with an anxiety web page that has more symptoms than "Carter has little liver pills" It reminded me that the word emotion has a gizillion different emotions. No wonder life with AD is so complicated. All my symptoms apply to anxiety, depression, anger, sadness, etc. You might want to take a look at:
Emily, Maybe this will help..Before my DH was given the dx of AD, and after my return from a trip without him last July, I started to notice things and the more concerned and worried I got the more I had symptoms which my doctor said was anxiety. I would get this sort of adrenaline rush sort of like "the butterflies" that you get before giving a speech or something like that, In addition I would feel my heart pound..not all the time but I could feel skipped beats.I had had a check up and all was fine. Doc was willing to set me up with a cardio doc but in his view it was all stress due to this situation. I took his advice to wait until after a couple of weeks, cut coffee way down, got more walking and things did settle down. But it was scary. When I feel that coming on again I make time to take 5 so to speak. It is nerves. BUT if you are concerned or scared about anything go get checked out. The peace of mind will be worth it!
The kind of anxiety you are describing is similar to chronic pain. You live with it every single day, and it becomes so much a part of you that you only notice when there is the absence of pain.
I am hoping that some day I will live without the chronic anxiety, and I hope it is before I am dead.
Being a caregiver for a loved one with AD is obviously a big contributor to anxiety, but I would like to throw something else out here. My son (21) who was always perfectly normal and well adjusted had an almost complete nervous breakdown - well, I would say he actually DID have a breakdown - just did not end up in a padded room. Anyway it turned out that it was from taking the allergy medication Zyrtec. It took a full 6 months after he quit it to feel right again. After what he went through, we found many others who experienced the same thing. It was so awful! In retrospect, I realized that I had experienced unexplained anxierty when I was using Zyrtec, too - though nowhere near the degree that my son had. I was so shocked that they sell a drug over the counter that can have such devastating side effects - shortness of breath, rapid heart beat, anxiety, despair, etc.
I think similarly to Joan about this. I don't think there's a way out of feeling anxiety, given our life parameters. You do your best to manage it, and look at the bright side wherever you can, but I have to assume it's neither abnormal nor pathological to experience chronic emotional pain of this sort.
Certainly for me, and I'm sure for many in this boat, the partner--once upon a time--served a function that a good partner should. He served as a ballast in rough emotional waters, and as a place to diffuse some of the normal tensions of life. I hope I returned the favor. So now, we have to manage without that, and there's bound to be undiffused anxiety.
I felt it. A just below the surface anxiety, that never went away. So you are certainly not alone.
A great many of us on here do take an anti-anxiety or anti-depression med. I said, for a good long while, over a year, I don't need it YET. After the latest drop in cognition, and the problems of dealing with it last fall, I said, I do need it NOW. The doctor gave me generic zoloft and it worked - first tries often don't. And it has helped. Instead of just below the surface anxiety, there is just below the surface calm and peace. It worked so well that I asked the doctor if he would please prescribe it for my husband as well,whose physical disabilities seemed to be making him very anxious. And it worked for him too, so I got a double effect. I have absolutely no guilt in succumbing to a med for my moods any more than i did for my knee pain.
Anxiety...just below the surface. I (we all) live with varying amounts of that every waking moment (and sometimes, full blown in our dreams!). I take meds to subdue the beast, too. I have learned (am learning) to not take on more than I am currently able to handle, whether it is another person's problems and worries, new tasks, responsibilities....trying so hard to learn to say "no". I have enough on my own plate and need to constantly remember that fact....I'm thinking maybe its not selfish to put our own needs first....to try and stay the healthy one. I tried to have a heart to heart talk with the new "house-mate", for example, today. As she was placing more and more questions about the tenure of her stay here, I noticed the scale of my anxiety going up, beneath the surface. Wants to stay here to make renovations to the interior of her RV (MORE mess?), move contents of her storage cube to my barn or her room, etc. I decided that she will be told to be gone by the weekend. SCORE one more for my own independence and sanity!
Emily, I have done some reading about this constant chronic stress. It elevates the level of cortisol in your body and that in turn, over time, has a negative effect on many of the body systems, i.e. endocrine, nervous, hormonal,adrenal,etc.leading to such wonderful things as inflammatory diseases, insulin resistance, diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and memory and mood disorders. It is no wonder that the outlook for the physical health of caregivers is grim. The body of literature is vast on this topic. I hope that we as a group are taking steps to relieve stress but I find that my best efforts are often thwarted by my situation. Like you, I remember a time when periods of "no-anxiety" existed. I have not experienced a moment of it however in about 5 years. There is a funny song, I think it was in the movie "Young Frankenstein" called high anxiety. Cloris Leachman and Mel Brooks. I am going to youtube right now to find it and give myself a moment of stress relief.
Jen, good for you, after reading your post yesterday I was worried about your situation.I didn't like the sound of this person especially after she told someone she was going to "plug in" here..sounded like she was ready to take advantage of you and your good nature. She needs to be gone and I hope there is no trouble getting her off your property. She is presently a little more than a squatter. Good luck and keep us posted. Hugs, Mimi
Yesterday, I talked to my doc about all this stuff...the housemate, her trailer, married lover, etc., etc. She told me I was being "judgemental". I think I was simply stating that I am a person of PRINCIPLES. Was also told that because I am so "inflexible", I'll probably never be able to live my life within a partnership with anyone again....will be an old spinster. My "ROOMIE" says I'm just as unprincipled as she is because I now have male friends that take me out to eat, to a movie, come over to dinner. NOT the same thing. I'm not falling in love, nor they with me and I'm CERTAINLY not bringing them up to my bedroom or leading them on that that opportunity may arise!!! She and I had a long talk this morning....I apologized that I had hurt her feelings with anything I'd said, but asked her to try and understand that I need to protect myself. She and I share one very good mutual friend.....unfortunately, she'd gone over to talk about me yesterday.....the good friend of ours said that I am fearful of my roomie living in her trailer in my sideyard because I see myself in the same position a year from now!!!! wow. Roomie also says I'm out of control, manic, psychotic (?), etc., through her tears. Says I need medication (?), or need to get off of something I'm ON! COME ON!! *sigh* I feel better now. Now, I'm going to go deal with all this anxiety constructively by responding to some of my lawyers new requests for some documents. Thanks for listening (and not judging?)!!! laughing..........Jen. (what drama. Don't you wish you were me or that I had your phone number???!!!)
Hey Jen, I'm confused -- was it your doc or your roomie who told you that you were being judgemental, would be an old spinster, etc? If it was the doc, then I think I'd be shopping for a new one -- and if it was the roomie, then I'd certainly show her the way to the door post haste, with no regrets.
"My friend, Anxiety" has been with me all my life. I've always thought I was just shy or an introvert until I was put on a low dose of Wellbutrin a few years ago for fibromyalgia and stress. As Claude got worse and the stress increased, my dosage was increased.
The shyness and introvertness (if there is such a word-LOL) went away as well as that awful gut feeling of impending doom, aka anxiety, for the most part. As Isa said, stress causes the cortisol level in the body to rise and I developed several health issues.
I grew up in an alcoholic, physical and mentally abusive home. My first husband perpetuated the abuse and that 'gut feeling' stayed with me all my life even after I met and married Claude and my life turned around 100%.
I have just completed my first year of "widowhood" and the stress has lessen tremendously, but the damage done by the high level of cortisol over nearly 67 years will always be with me.
Jen, Once upon a time when I was under so much stress I started to have all sorts of tummy troubles. I went to the MD who then said I should go to see the folks at Mental Health. I had to take this test to make sure I was not intent on doing myself in or someone else..No problem there.. Then I was assigned to some geeky looking guy who did not LISTEN. I needed some advice on how to deal with stresses and he was intent on telling me I needed meditation and all this other new age hooey. So I quit. I just decided to do my own thing and that was to open the door, sit quietly and listen to the sounds of outside..breezes blowing, birds singing, lawnmower doing it's thing..and I started to relax. I still try to do that especially in summer. I was shocked at some of these wizards of smart and what they say or infer.
As to what that "Roomie" says? What medical school did she attend to make such a dx? Don't pay any mind to what she has to say. She is trying to bring you down to her level of behaviour. You need support of friends and if some are fellows who take you out to a movie or a bite to eat whose business is it? The sooner she is off your property the better for you. You ARE strong...stronger than maybe you know. Hang tough. We are all here with you. Hugs, Mimi