Spending more time alone than I’d wish during these past seven weeks since Frances slipped away, I’ve come to realize just how much I’ve been missing “a woman’s touch” in my life. No fresh flowers in the house, no rearrangement of the living room furniture or bric-a-brac on the piano, no pictures newly hung or rooms freshly painted, no new plants in the flower beds in at least five years – probably longer -- as Frances’s disease slowly stole away all her initiative and creativity. It’s not a thing that I was consciously aware of as I became increasingly caught up in caregiving as the years passed, and as the focus shifted to making things safer and less confusing for her and easier for me, but now the home seems suddenly sterile and empty and joyless.
And I’m also missing the physical touching – touching that had changed from almost electric in the beginning to more casual and familiar and comforting over the long course of our marriage – and then changing finally into mere tender and reassuring handholding as Frances progressed into the final days of her life. Even there at the end, when she was seemingly oblivious to everything else, her hand still seemed to seek mine if I had to leave for a moment – I’d gently place her hand beside her on the bed, and yet find it back on the armrest of my chair when I returned. Thinking of that still brings tears.
But I’m thinking those sad thoughts less every day, and determined to move on with my life. A trip back to Mississippi last week to spread some of Frances’s ashes on her parents’ graves gave me the opportunity to spend time with Frances’s older brother and with one of my male first cousins – both about my age, and both of whom HAVE moved on from fairly recent deaths of their spouses and are happily courting (and talking marriage plans, maybe) with new-found partners – so I’m reassured that there’s hope for me! Impatient sort that I am, I expect I may even have trouble waiting a “respectable” and “prudent” time before wanting to start creating new memories with someone new – I guess one year would be conventional, but at age 81 there really isn’t a lot of time to waste, so who knows?
GC, my Dad remarried when he was 90 and had almost 10 years with his new wife before he passed away. I didn't feel that it took anything away from the love he had for my mother. It was much easier for me to see him with someone else than seeing him so lonely by himself. Frances was so dear to you but she's gone and life is for the living. I hope you can move on while still holding the precious memories of your wonderful Frances.
GC - I'm in the same age group & we have no obligation to be concened about what is 'repectable.' Let me assusre you that there are any number of lovely ladies who are just waiting for a guy like you to make a move. If it comes along, grab it! When DH died a gentleman called to express condolences and asked me to lunch. It was very odd, can't describe my life then, it was like a dream. I sense some of that in what you've written. I'd go to the cemetery, sit at DH's grave & sob than I'd tell him, 'I'll see you later, honey, right now I'm going to have lunch with X.' Six yrs later I still see my gentleman friend 2/3 times a month, we have established a history & neither want to remarry, so there's no pressure. I was lucky, it helped to ground me when I was drifting and I just went with it. And I still love my DH. Such relationships do not have to be mutually exclusive.
Gourdchipper, thank you for the beautiful post; it made me cry (and I never cry, well. hardly ever). No, you don't need to wait a "conventional" time. Whatever feels right to you, is right. Your love for Frances could never be in question. Good luck, and don't forget to visit us.
Chipper tis good to hear from you,know that you did all you could an then some,many spouses wouldn't or couldn't show the love an devotion that you did,but as you say the days are getting shorter,noone promised us tomorrow,life is for the living,enjoy the time you have left as best you can,we all wish you the very best
GC - What a beautiful, loving post. Yes, I cried too. I'm sure you were very devoted to your Frances. Don't even think about "respectable" time. If God sends someone your way ... reach out. Warmth and sensitivity such as yours should not be locked away inside you. I'm sure there's someone out there just as much in need of companionship as you. Just LIVE. Remember that life is a gift.
GC--In today's world, relatively few are blessed with the type of relationship you have described with your Frances. You gave your all for her while she was living, now it is your turn to find the company you have been missing. I agree that there is no set time limit--go where your heart leads you.
Funny thing about the conventional year wait - that is for someone who lost their spouse suddenly (even after a short illness). We say good-bye and keep saying it a long time before the actual event. Go where your heart leads you, you know Francis would not want to see you lonely and drifting.
I even got advice from my DH on finding the next one. He told me to be careful because while there are good guys out there, there are also a lot of bad ones.
GC; I have read all your posts, and they do bring one to tears: You had a beautiful life with Frances, wonderful memories, and I admire you for giving her such special care.... Life is for the Living, if someone comes into your Life, embrace it..and go on living..I am your age also, we don't have too many more years left, enjoy the years that you have with someone who will give you Love and Happiness..and Laughter again....Bless you, wish you the best...Rosalie
Gourdchipper: What a moving tribute to a loving and deserving wife and a lifetime together. You express yourself very well. Thank you for writing. I agree with all of the above and you have certainly inspired me for the moment. I can't see the future. It all looks dark.