Dear Groudchipper: so sorry to hear about Frances"s passing, she is in a better place, singing with all the Angels..I always admired you and your Son, for taking such good care of your loved one, you are one in a million, there are not too many that could do all that you did, and that goes for your Son also. My Heart goes out to you both..sending Hugs and Prayers...Take care of yourself, You still have things to do..Rosalie
Every day I’ve meant to sit down at my computer and update family and friends on how I’m coping with the loss of my life partner – my precious Frances. But when I tried I found it still too hard -- so I usually ended up going off and finding something mindless to distract me like reading a book or working crossword puzzles instead. And I’m the guy who thought he’d done a pretty thorough job of preparing himself and emotionally detaching!
Truth be known, I’d probably rather still be caregiving, as bad as that was, because at least my life had purpose then. I know that’s a selfish viewpoint, and for Frances’s sake I’m glad, of course, that her struggle is over and she’s at peace – but now, with nobody depending on me, I’m feeling useless and rudderless and not so sure of myself. With her at my side and depending on me, I HAD to muscle up and do whatever needed doing and get things right, but now there’s nothing that HAS to be done and nothing I HAVE to get right. So I’m afraid I’ve been sort of floating.
The first week or two were easier because there were things that just had to be done, like contacting folks and planning a memorial service, and then later writing notes acknowledging flowers and memorial gifts to the Alzheimer’s Association and Vitas Hospice. Then after that I found some “busy work” to do in acknowledging every one of the many scores of sympathy cards and notes – and making a personal pitch for future support of Alzheimer’s research in the process. It may have been tacky – I don’t know – but in each note I said something to the effect that: “Thank you for your sweet card remembering Frances. I’ve been humbled by the outpouring of loving remembrances and sympathy. As you may imagine, I’m missing her terribly, and the best way I’ve been able to think of for staying close to her is to continue her fight against the awful disease that stole her from us over a period of years. A large part of our charitable contributions in recent years have been to the Alzheimer’s Association, and Frances made the ultimate gift by contributing her brain for Alzheimer’s research. I hope you’ll consider including them in your future contributions as well.”
Back to the emotional detachment question, I guess I really was pretty successful in detaching from the healthy Frances of years ago – we’re pals now, and I cheerfully wink and throw kisses at her picture every time I see it -- but I feel a terrible sadness that still brings tears to my eyes every day when something forces me to remember the pain and unfairness of how this damnable disease transformed a beautiful, talented, happy, loving, caring woman into the pitiful creature that she was at the end. I wish I could blot those final weeks from my mind – but I’ve never regretted for a moment the decision to keep her at home and remain at her side as she went through the hard work of dying. Our son summed it up very well when he said, “I guess we decided that as long as she’s not sad, lonely, or in pain, then everything is as it should be.” I held her hand for her last three nights because I didn’t want her to die alone in the dark. We’d always done everything together in the past, so I figured I could help her through her dying the same way.
I’m casting around now, looking for some appropriate local volunteer activity in support of Alzheimer’s activity that I can get involved with, and in the meantime planning a short RV trip back to Mississippi a couple of weeks from now to spread a portion of Frances’s ashes on her parents’ graves and, in the process, hopefully give some “closure” to two of Frances’s sisters who weren’t able to make the trip down here for her memorial service. Both have AD and have apartments across the hall from one another in a nice ALF, and while there I’m also hoping to meet with the ALF staff and try to get their assessment of how well the sisters are doing and how much longer this will be an appropriate level of care for them – one or both may ultimately need promoting to a new AD wing in the same facility.
I’m getting out socially a little bit, but it’s still not much fun. Today I may take my “second best sweetheart”, Joyce, to a movie and dinner, but I’m afraid I’m just sort of going through the motions at this point. But they say time heals everything, so I’m looking forward to better times later.
I’ve got Aricept and Namenda to give away, so I’ll get back to reading and posting regularly on the forum soon.
Gourdchipper, I won't lie to you. It's going to be rough for awhile. I lost my first husband suddenly. Best thing is to try to keep yourself busy doing things. Keep in touch with all of us. We all understand.
GC, thank you so much for coming back to us and sharing! You are part of our family, and we love you. We hurt for you and know that you are going through losing Frances. It is so hard that not only do we lose the one we love, but we now have the time to think about our loss. As you said, you had purpose (taking care of her), and now you will need to find new purpose - but it takes time to heal first. For us caregivers, I think it takes double time to heal because we already mourned the loss of our mate years ago and now we have to also mourn the loss of the person we've been devoting ourselves to caring for as well.
May you continue to have the strength and wisdom to get you through and may you find what you need to carry on.
GC, thank you for your beautiful post. Your love for Frances and your grief for her loss shine through every word. I was just thinking about you today and wondering how you were getting on. I hope you can find new purpose in life, but don't be impatient. It will certainly come.
Thank you for updating us. We will always be here for as long as you need us. Take as much time as you need to grieve. Many of our members who have lost spouses have found purpose in advocacy. That may or may not be a path you wish to follow. You will find your way in time.
Hey GC!! Appreciate your update and hope you will stay in touch. Frances is better off and now we need to keep you headed in this new direction. Find something to do that will be a witness to yourself and your friends. Love in Christ, Bill
GC, I am so sorry for you loss and I hope and pray you will find comfort in remembering the good times with Frances and the hard times will become a faded memory. God Bless. Jean
What a wonderful tribute to Frances, GC! You took such good care of her - now you need to take care of yourself. Post whenever you feel the need - we'll all be here for you. Hugs.
GC, thanks for the update. I had been thinking about you. I just hope I can do as good a job taking care of my wife as you did with Frances. Are you still trying to get some exercise?
GC, thank you for letting us know how you are and some of your plans. It sounds like you are makeing a lot of the right steps to go forward with your life. She would want that for you after all the care you gave her.
Well, 'fella, you overcame my antidepressant and brought tears to my eyes with your post, not only for what you have lost and are going through right now, but because I can relate so well to it all because I have done visualization of what it's going to be like when I have to do the same. Hang in there, for time alone will take care of the pain, and you will be rewarded for your love and caregiving with years of life with new purpose. Thanks for the update, GC.
GC, I'm glad you checked in with us. Just take things at your own pace and I hope you have some peace knowing your Frances is no longer suffering. One day at a time is all you can do. God Bless.
GC, it's good to hear from you and know that you are getting by, one day at a time. I hope you will find, as I have with time, that bad memories lessen and good ones grow stronger.
GC, sooooo good to hear from you! You've been on my mind, wondering how you are doing. Wish it was better news -- but I know brighter days are ahead for you. Your pain is new, but it will dull a little with time. Please stay with us -- we still need you and maybe you need us too.
“I guess we decided that as long as she’s not sad, lonely, or in pain, then everything is as it should be.” What a simple yet powerful statement, your wise son made. If only we could say the same for the caregivers.......... I'm so glad you took the time and found the strength to update us on how you are doing. Please keep in touch when you are able. Joyce is a lucky lady, you are worth waiting for :o) Arms around, Susan
briegull asked: << Might you investigate teaching people how to do your beautiful gourd carving?>>
Yes, briegull, back five or six years ago, before Frances’s AD had progressed very far, I taught classes at gourd shows and festivals all over the place – Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky, Indiana, Missouri – even as far away as New Mexico, and really enjoyed it. My assumption has always been that I’d ultimately want to get back into that, along with RV travel, as I still have gourd friends all over the place -- just as I now also have far flung AD Spouse friends that I’d enjoy meeting.
Marsh asked: << Are you still trying to get some exercise?>> Yes indeed, Marsh, still getting in brisk walks of two plus miles most days – and I hope you’re still exercising too! We had our first little cool spell pass through this week, dropping early morning temperatures into the sixties, so it won’t be long before it’ll be cool enough so I won’t have to do all my walking at daylight.
folly* said: << I hope you will find, as I have with time, that bad memories lessen and good ones grow stronger.>>
folly*, I tried to sort of jump start the process of recapturing good memories by spending several days last week going through more than fifty Carousel trays of 35mm slides (something over 5000 slides) and picking out about 700 that I’m now having scanned and burned onto a DVD. Even if I never get around to looking at the DVD images, the exercise was worthwhile in that it did, indeed, recall lots of happy times from back in the 1970s and 1980s.
I guess I might also mention that the Doberman that had mysteriously adopted us back in late April left, just as mysteriously, and went back to her original home about a week after Frances died – son Bill thinks that it was more than just coincidence that she appeared when we needed diversion, and then left after her job was done.
Who needs leftover 10mg tablets of Aricept or Namenda – I think I have about 25 of the Aricept and 180 of Namenda, and I’d hate to just flush them down the toilet!
Gourchipper..I have always heard there were angels among us. Your Doberman was surely an angel. Hopefully time will ease your pain and you will find much joy and happiness in your life. That is my wish for you.
Chipper your love an devotion to Frances is to be commended,I knew when you told us about the hundreds of day lillies you planted you were something special,your sense of humor was a joy for all of us,I'm sure I speak for all your "friends" here we wish you the very best,tomorrow is never a given,go, enjoy the time remaining
Oh, yeah, GC, wanted to mention: at our small fall festival on the courthouse square, there was a "booth" w/gourds of all sizes and motif's carved in them, and I thought of you.
GChipper, thank you for the update and sharing your personal time of Frances' passing. indeed time will help your healing and life does go on. you will remember her with each glance of the beauty around us that she enjoyed. hugs to you friend, stay in touch -divvi
Nancy B, that plan with the grandson is still on hold -- haven't heard anything back from him about possible interest in my proposition, and in the meantime I've committed to do some caregiving in early November with a terminally ill brother-in-law so his wife (Frances's youngest sister) can have hip replacement surgery. I think she'll only be hospitalized for about three days, and come home with a walker, but I'm expecting to hang around for some time after that -- until she's back on her feet and able to take charge of things again. A perfect fit situation for me -- I'm an experienced caregiver by now, and this will let me feel useful (and keep my mind off my troubles -- which, happily, is getting easier every day).
Incidentally, the trip back to MS last week with my son proved that the RV still works after a year and a half of idleness, and proved also that I can still drive 400 miles at a stretch, so further travel plans are a definite possibility.
((GC)) It is so good to hear from you! You have such an amazing talent, I hope you do get back to your gourds! I am glad to know life is getting easier for you, I hope the healing continues and you remember more and more of the good times. as others have said, you will always be part of this family. I have missed you and am glad to see you posting ((hugs))
By the way, GC, you don't have an asterick...That's a star from your crown!!... I am the one who started the idea of the "star" by the names of Spouses who lost their partners..and I wanted everyone to see that you and they had earned man, many "STARS"... more than enough ... and could share one beside their sign in name.
Nancy, I had a lighthearted discussion recently about those "stars in my crown" with the hospice chaplain that Frances loved so much (and who conducted the clergy part of her memorial service). He's still visiting me and offering support occasionally, and the last time he visited I was telling him that I plan to try to get into some AD-related volunteer work, which led the conversation around to "good works" and how they might get us stars in our crowns in heaven, but couldn't get us there by themselves. I tried pinning him down about the value of those stars in one's crown -- whether they guaranteed seating in some special section of heaven (he said NO), or whether they might at least be envied by the other folks up there (NO again -- no envy in heaven) -- so I told him that I guess I'd have to conclude that those stars probably have value only here and now, in the personal satisfaction that comes from doing "good works".
Yes, phranque is a question mark, Nancy, and you're an exclamation mark -- you're special!
Wow! What's left for the rest of us? Commas, colons, semi-colons, hyphens, carats, ampersands? I want to be an exclamation point, but that's a huge ambition. I'm not sure I'll make it.