Today's blog is the second half of the information from the Caregiver Conference. It concerns the suggestions made by one of the speakers about controlling our own anger at our spouses' behavior. Our anger outbursts only make our relationships with our spouses worse, so I was open to the speaker's suggestions.
What do you do to control your anger when your spouse's behavior sends your blood pressure soaring?
I have a monologue in my brain that is on a perpetual reel. Sometimes I forget to hit the start button on it, but with repitition I'm getting better at it.
My monologue contains many phrases. I run through as many as I need, as many times as necessary to bring my boil down to a simmer.
when I must remain calm and quiet:
"Don't blow----it's not worth it." "Hearing I have to blame it on the disease gets easier by the day." "He isn't responsible for what he's saying/doing. Just wait a few minutes and it'll be just like it never happened."
and when I absolutely must blow off the steam so as not to implode:
"Say or do whatever you have to. Just get it off your chest." "Get as mad as you need to. No permanent harm." "Lose the guilt. He won't remember long, and won't hold it against you."
I have to say, it has helped me quell many a stressful situation.
When I have gotten angry at my husband and start to explain why (in my anger voice) he turns me off. It is as if he doesn't even hear me and won't acknowledge me. I can go into another room and come back 10 minutes later, and it's as if it never happened! :) He's all smiles!
However, it doesn't help him when I show my anger, so I try to go outside and scream as quietly as possible, then come back inside with a smile on my face.
He is getting restless when I'm home on weekends and when he goes down the hall to see what I'm doing, I ask him what he's doing and he'll say "strolling" - my husband never used that word before a month ago! :)
The funny thing is, when he does something that angers me, it's because he could have gotten hurt, but when I try to describe the situation to others, it seems so silly to have gotten upset over it! I think the stress of the AD causes me to get angry, rather than him - he can't control his actions so therefore why get mad at him? Does this make sense?
I try so hard to hide my frustration and anger because my DH is like a whipped puppy when he sees my disappointment. I know he can't help it. I have to lower my expectations daily. It's scary to think how low they will have to go ultimately. It's exhausting hiding these feelings all of the time.
When I get angry I HOPE I can remember it just isn't worth it. My DH is like Hildann's with the 'whipped puppy' syndrome. He will keep saying, "I'm sorry" and I feel as if I have taken away his dignity. The one bright side of AD is that the situation passes and then seems to be forgotten forever. I hate being 'shadowed'. Our motorhome is only 36 feet from one end to the other and still my DH will come looking for me if he is in front and I am in the little bedroom. If he agrees that I can walk the dog so we can go at a faster clip I hardly ever get back before he is out looking for us. It is hard to 'let off steam', but sometimes I just get out of eyesight and shake my fists and make mad faces - that seems to help. What works good is just having this website!
I get shadowed too and like all of the rest of you it drives me crazy some of the time.
Years ago during a very stressful time, I found a cardboard tube and beat the bed with it. No one got hurt, including the bed. <grin> But it felt good to just let go of all of that emotion with some real violence. If I get that mad again, I''ll go get some of the old Christmas paper and use the tube until it shreds.
Starling, that tube on the bed is a great idea. It wouldn't work for me now, but twisting a towel would help and wouldn't make noise. Once when I lived in an apartment with two small children I discovered you can scream under water in the swimming pool and no one hears. There just has to be ways to let of steam or we will all go beserk.
I find a nice glass of wine helps calm me down.....one more time! :)
Have you ever been in the car by yourself (with the windows rolled up) and told off the person you are angry with to get it out of your system and that way no one gets hurt? It works for me!
Wine is good. Also going for a drive on a country road, if that option is available, is good.However, today I lost it. I've had a vey miserable viral infection for 10 days. We don;t have any fresh fruits or vegetables left in the house and no other easily prepared food. All day I told DH we would go out to eat. Its the first day I've had the energy. Well, when it came time to get dressed, he refused then he went to bed. So I ate beans and he didn't eat. That's the difficult part of being the sole caregiver. Hope we can get out to buy groceries tomorrow. I know it's not a BIG deal, just upsetting.
Anna, it is a BIG deal to not be able to get fresh fruits and vegetables! I recently noticed a grocery store delivered to a place we were staying. It was 15 miles from the store, and they charged $10. I don't know how prevalent that is, but I thought there could be a time when that would be necessary. Perhaps you have something like that where you live. This viral infection going around this year is the worst I remember and it's hard to not catch it. Take care.
i have not been the perfect spouse and admit to yelling alot because of fustration. especially when its about incontinence issues. i usually say something nasty then regret it immediately and hug him the rest of the day:) its rational to say they cant help it but it still doesnt make the jobs we have to do any less stressful for us the caregivers. i pray alot for patience as well to be a better and more compassionte wife and person.
Anna, Yes wine helps. However, I have noticed (he's only recently been diagnosed but I saw aggression several yrs. prior) that I never drank much. Now daily.....I worry about that I maybe become dependent on it. I haven't seen much talked about this on the forum, but I am sure that I am in the norm.
I have developed a "whatever" attitude. O.K. what you're saying doesn't make any sense, whatever. It is resignation. I know I can't change things, so whatever. I think 1st comes confusion, then concern, then feeling hurt, a whole lot of other things, and then, oh, whatever. I just try to ignore stuff. I guess that is my coping mechanism. I think anger would just eat a hole in my soul. (Not that I don't feel it sometimes, but it is about the whole concept of feeling betrayed, not stuff that happens on a day to day basis.) I am not berated like a lot of spouses here, but then again, I don't have the holding hands, affection, etc. that others have.
Anna, I can relate. I got all dressed up for Valentine's day last year, my husband told me we were going out for dinner. But when I was ready, he said he didn't feel like going, what was in it for him. I don't think any normal human being can actually adapt to the bizarre behaviour, so that is why I am on the "whatever" plan.
My husband doesn't know my name, that I am his wife, his name, nor our children's names. However, he always gives me a hug and kisses every day and follows me around when I am home. He doesn't rage - in fact he can only say six words most of the time (yes, no, okay, fine, very good) - occasionally he'll parrot something someone says, but usually it comes out garbled. His aphysia is almost total.
I have a glass of wine every evening when I get home from work. If he has a bad evening, I might have an extra half a glass! Red wine is good for my heart, and keeps me calm. I enjoy it - it is one of the few pleasures I have right now! <grin>
You should try to get him to add "delicious", Mary. When I travelled, a lifetime ago, I always said I didn't need to learn the language if I could say these words: yes, no, please, excuse me, thank you, beautiful and delicious. The excuse me is almost universally "pardon" - lots of Brits and Aussies travel and that's their lingo. You don't need "how much" because you pick something up and look questioning and they push away on a calculator and give you the amount, then the discount... but I digress. Get him to say Cheers and you're all set!
My knees are sore as the dickens, both of them. I lugged in a lot of groceries yesterday (cat litter weighs a TON!) because a storm was coming overnight, which it did. More weight on knees makes them hurt more, esp. going up and down stairs. Now this SHOULD tell me something about losing weight, shouldn't it!!
briegull-our cats do rule. I fractured my knee on Wednesday. My big concern was how to feed my cats and empty their litter box. If gourdchipper really cared he would have driven a hundred miles to help. My daughter and som-in-law helped me load chow and litter into my house. Hope you feel better soon.
bluedaze, don't you remember I said I draw the line at scooping cat litter? But whenever your knee allows you to be mobile again, I really would enjoy meeting you for lunch in Vero or something like that -- do you reckon The Patio restaurant is still open? I doubt that they allow cats, although some restaurants here in Brevard did experiment with allowing dogs.
Gourdchipper-don't you ever sleep. Patio closed abruptly a while ago. I read that it recently opened under new ownership. It's going to be a long while until I am able to drive that far. I tried driving from Port Saint Lucie to Ft. Pierce to an orchid show and had to pull over to let my daughter drive (and I don't give up easily)