John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
An elderly couple were having breakfast one morning an the husband looked across at his wife an said Dear we're gettin on in years an it doesn't matter much anymore but I'd just like to know were you ever unfaithful? The wife thought a minute an said yes I must confess after all these years,three times,once when times were hard an we were going to lose the house,remember the banker that extended our loan,well the husband thought a bit an said thats ok dear you saved our home,the second time when you needed heart surgery an we didn't have medical insurance,hmmm he said thats ok too dear you saved my life,what about the third time he asked,well remember when you ran for president of the country club an you needed 79 more votes?
Which reminds me......A sweet elderly couple were sitting hand and hand on the worn sofa reminiscing about their lives. He was telling her how he had always been faithful to her except for one time when he was away on a business trip. She then confessed that she knew that and had decided that if she was ever unfaithful that she would drop a bean down a hole in the bedroom floor. He assured her that he forgave her so she smiled sweetly at him and said: "The beans are all there except for the bushel we used when the crops failed."
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Northern Ontario as far from humanity as possible.He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from twenty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’ Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste basket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
An elderly couple is attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
9. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM- prayer and medication to follow.
24. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciated it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance
Lumberjack wacks his toe off with an axe,his buddies put kleenex on the stub cover it with duct tape an head for the nearest ER,being in such a hurry they slid off the road an into a ditch,so what did they do?
they called the toe truck,things are slow here sorry
Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother.
When she showed up with some groceries, he said "Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......."
And his Mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny". Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, then tell me the story."
At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again.
"Mommy, when I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them with a lot of scrubbing and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine years old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike."
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker, A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in ....
An elementary teacher noticed one of her young students squirming around in his seat an causing a distraction to her class so she walked up to the young lad an asked what problem was,he whispered to her that he had recently been circumcised an the itching was drving him crazy,the teacher told him to go down to the office an call his mother immediately an see what she was going to do about it,a few minutes later he comes back an sits at his desk an now there is more distraction than before so the teacher gos back to see what the problem is an finds the boy sitting at his desk with his johnson out of his pants,what in the world are you doing now she asks,I called my mom an she said if I would stick it out til lunch she would come an get me
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?'' "Sex." he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's manhood.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-!!!!!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE ...BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID …….. WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
A guy is out duck hunting an has to take a whiz so he sets his gun against a tree an go's about his business,about that time a gust of wind knocks his gun down an it goes off an the shot hits the guy in the groin area,he rushs to the Er an after the doc spends most of the day getting all the buckshot out of the area doc tells him I think I got most of the buckshot but I'm going to send you to my sister she'll help you with the holes I couldn't fix,the hunter asks ok is your sister a surgeon too?No the doc replies she plays piccolo in the community orchestra,she'll show you where to put your fingers so ya don't pee in your face
There was woman who had lived all her life in the little house near the banks of the Mississippi. When the levies threatened to overflow some men came to her house and told her she had to leave because it wasn't safe. She answered that the lord would show her what to do and that she was staying put.
A day later the water was up to her waist and some men came by in a boat and tried to talk her into getting in and that staying wasn't safe. She answered that the lord would show her what to do and that she was staying put.
The next day the water was up to her neck. A helicopter spotted her and hovered overhead lowering a rope. Climb on they yelled because it isn't safe to stay. She yelled back that the lord would show her what to do and that she was staying in the only home she ever knew.
It's sad to say that she died in the floods. And coming up to the pearly gates was a little peeved. She saw the lord there and asked him why he didn't show her the way.
He answered patiently, "I sent some men. I sent a boat. I sent a helicopter..."
Lori, are you saying we need to push Wolf down the stairs? That brings a smile to my face. Happy landing, Wolf. Hey, I'm an ole lady...I can say anything ...
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Feeling unappreciated? Here's a New York Times article:
........
Worker dead at desk for five days
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for five days before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at the New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why we was working during the weekend.
His boss, Elliot Wachiaski, said: "George was always the first guy in each mornng and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.
You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. The moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.
........
End of New York Times article.
The difference between poor George, that article, and us is that while we do 'work' too hard and nobody notices anyways - we know why. I transcribed this to here to remind us that while we're not in the 'normal' world so much anymore; it isn't that great at times either. All memory is kodachromed.
Life is about the moments. And when those moments have passed they do not cease. George Turklebaum in death has given many people such a moment, which I have now passed to you.
When we are on our deathbed about to turn to dust, it is the moments of our lives that we see as valuable. If at that time we realize anything - we realize that truth.
When my wife passes who at this moment is pulling out shoes from our closet she will leave me rich in memories untarnished and unrelated to her passing and will leave me a better man having sacrificed for her. I wouldn't trade places with Charlie Sheen. He is unlikely to feel the joys I already have. Is it better to love and have lost than to never love at all? Only a fool doesn't know the answer to that.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a large ceramic vase, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
For all you cat lovers out there, my new wife tells a story on her first husband, Mel. It seems that one day when he was just four or five years old his mother arrived home from work to find the family cat behaving strangely -- seemingly disoriented and bumping into things, etc. On closer examination she discovered that the cat no longer had whiskers, so she asked Mel if he'd cut off the cat's whiskers -- to which he readily admitted. When she asked him why he'd done it, his explanation was, "You didn't tell me not to!"
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
Wolf, I told my DH the story about the little old lady on the Mississippi and he actually "got it." I have quite telling him anything that is not streight forward but took a chance on this one. I didn't, however, tell him where I heard it.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2-1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea' which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea my mum came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
A man and a woman were forced to share a bed together as the hotel had run out of available rooms. Just as the man was about to go to sleep, the young woman asked "I'm cold. Could you get up and fetch me another blanket?"
"You're cold?" asked the man. "How about, just for tonight, we pretend that we're married?"
"Ok, I guess so" giggled the girl naughtily
"Well fetch your own damn blanket." and he rolled over and went to sleep.
Although nothing ever came of it, once in a very long while God and the devil inspected the property line together. After walking what seemed like forever they came to a place where the boundry was in shambles and bits of hell were intruding into heaven.
Without looking at him as they continued God said to the devil, "Your people have to clean that up."
The devil trudging along snorted.
God repeated that it was his responsibility to fix the mess he had caused and the devil replied there wasn't a hope in hell. This went on as they walked while God patiently explained that his people had obviously caused the problem and they were responsible for the damage. The devil who enjoyed needling God pointed out that doing the right thing wasn't his job.
God, forgeting himself for a moment, shot back "Fix it or I'll sue you."
The devil just laughed and answered "Oh yah? Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Two young medical students were having coffee at the local shopping mall when an old man came by with a terrible limp,the first student said look at that limp I've never seen one as bad I think he must have trouble with his spine,the other student thought abit an watched the old guy trying to navigate an decieded it was either his foot or leg that was causing the problem so they approached the old gent an told him what they had figured out,Nope your both wrong the old fella said,well tell us what causes you to walk like that,the old guy looked them both in the eye an said thought it was a fart but I was wrong too
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buyyou a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
I'm Rich Silver in my hair Gold in my teeth Crystals in my kidneys Sugar in my blood Lead in my ass Iron in my arteries And an inexhaustible supply of natural gas Never thought I'd accumulate so much wealth
Got these in an e-mail this morning. Disclaimer: I love my husband and am still glad I married him - but these are pretty funny...
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.’
______
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
_________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
______
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.’ _______
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.’
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
_________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.’
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.’
__________
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and forgive him, and for Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death