two wives go out for their weekly night with the girls an feeling no pain whilst walking home,they both had to take a whiz an since they were near a cemetary thought it might be just the place so they strolled in an did what they had to do,now since they had no toilet paper they were conflicted on what to wipe with,the first one says I'm going to take my panties off an use them which she did,the second one had just bought some expensive underwear an didn't want to use them but as luck would have it she spotted a basket of flowers someone had left an she saw a ribbon it it an used the ribbon an they staggered on home.The next morning the first wifes husband called the second's husband an said these girls nights out have to stop my wife came home last night with no panties on,the second husband said I know my came home with a thank you card between her butt cheeks that said all the men from the firehouse will never forget you
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Sorry, Jerry!. That one is a bit 'perverse' :-) Try this one...
Once upon a time at the jewelry store ...
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning after checking with the bank, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!"
At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
(okay, now this one is especially for ol don, so all you ladies close your eyes and cover your ears and know I love all of you)....:-)
One day there was an old woman, who was dying of cancer, that felt like she has seen everything there is to see in the world.
So she decided that she wanted to end her own life. She felt the best way to do this was to shoot herself in the heart.
She wasn't quite sure where her heart was located though. So she went to the doctor and he said the human heart is 2 inches to the right of her left nipple.
So she went home and shot herself in the right kneecap
a woman passes a beautiful garden every morning on her daily walk around the neighborhood an can't believe how brilliantly red the tomatoes are,one morning theres a fellow out working in the garden an she stopped an commented on the wonderful color of the tomatoes an asked what the secret was,the fellow hesitated for a bit an then told her its a secret but I guess I can share it with you,every day I put on a raincoat with nothing underneath an come out an flash the tomatoes,they get so embarrassed they turn that wonderul bright color,she went on her way an after a few days she thought maybe it does work I'm going to try it,a few weeks go by an the fellow runs into her on the street an ask's if she has tried his method an if she has how are her tomatoes ,she said they havn't done anything but my cucumbers are monsterous
A drunken man, walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one baaad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had."
The biker's buddies are really starting to get steamed that this old guy would talk to the baaaad guy this way. But he still doesn't start a fight.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy....your grandma really liked it."
At this point the baaaad biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eye and says,
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
I think they misunderstood the two young lesbians living next door asked me what I wanted for my birthday,they got me a Timex,I told them I wanted to watch
1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '
My DIL bought a box of cat litter today. It was sitting by the dryer when the kitten started smell it. She told her it was her new cat litter. Sally promptly climb on top of the box and pooped!!! When she called and told me we both had big belly laughs.
an old man in his 80s married a young girl of 20 a year later she has a baby an the nurse at the hospital was amazed an asked the old man how he did it,Gotta keep the motor running was his reply,a year later she's back an has a nother baby an the nurse gets the same answer,the third year when she gives birth the nurse told the old man ya better change the oil in the motor this one is black
try this one stunt girl The new nun goes to her first confession an tells the priest she has a terrible secret,the priest tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional,she tells him Father I never wear panties under my habit,the priest chuckles an says thats not so serious Sister Benadette say 5 Hail Marys,5 Our Fathers an do 5 cartwheels on your way to the altar
Was anyone else watching Larry king's interview with Willie Nelson last evening? Larry asked Willie to tell a joke, as he evidently has the reputation of being a good joke teller, so Willie told a golfing joke. This lady came in off the golf course and into the pro shop, where she asked the pro if he could help her, because a bee had stung her. The pro asked where the bee had stung her, and she said "well, it was between the first and second holes", so he said "well, for one thing your stance is too wide......"
a man go's to the dentist to have a tooth pulled an the dentist gets the Novacain needle out,the guy says no needles for me I'm scared to death of needles,well they we'll use nitrous oxzide an he reaches for the mask,nope I'm afraid you'll suffocate me with that,the dentist thinks for a minute gives the guy a pill an says here take this,the patient says I didn't know a pill could take the place of Novacaine or nitrous oxide,dentist replies it can't but it will give ya something to hold on to when I pull your tooth
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad. >>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>> (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... "Go get your Mother."
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!", demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.
threee dogs are at the vets an the first one asked the other ones what they were there for,the second dog said I peed on my masters new carpet so he doesn't want me anymore I'm here to be adopted,the third dog say I chewed up some furniture an I'm here to be adopted also,then they both asked the first dog why he was there,he said well my mistress cleans house in the nude an I saw her bend over to pick something up an climbed on an had the ride of my life,are you here to be adopted too they asked? Nope just to get my nails trimmed
This is from Mimi. My favorite is the IRS one. joang
Here are some sayings you might enjoy.
Birds of a feather flock together .. .. . .and then poop on your car. > > A penny saved is a government oversight. > > The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the > right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting > moment. > > The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then > your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. > > The fastest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a > replacement . > > He who hesitates is probably right. > > Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.' > > If you think there is good in everybody, you > haven't met everybody. > > > If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to > blame. > > The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's > really in trouble. > > There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. > For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles > don't hurt. > > Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together > it spells 'Theirs...' > > Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your > age and start bragging about it.. > > The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. > > Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to > know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the > roads weren't paved. > > When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think > of Algebra. > > You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. > > One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a > nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being > old is comfortable. > > Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called > witchcraft. Today, it's called golf. >
Here's a simple solution to the controversy over full-body scanners at airports.
Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but, instead of X-raying them, when the door closes, it will detonate any explosive device they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone!
There would be no concern about racial profiling. The booth would eliminate long, expensive trials.
You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."
Joan...great idea..and We are also helping the suicide bombers complete their mission!!! Praise Allah!!!! EVERYBODY comes out a head.
TSA will soon be implementing its protective policy and require passengers to wear bomb proof suits. See photos and specifications at http://science.howstuffworks.com/blast-resistant-clothing2.htm All passengers will have to pass thru the scanners, then into changing rooms to put on the suit. Their clothing will then be forwarded by UPS, via Dubai airport to their proper destination.
These suits not only protect the passengers, but are very effective if a suicide bomber slips through the cracks...The suit will contain the blast to that one person...very messy to clean up, but it does contain the blast...
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Scottish Compassion A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.He had no arms or legs.Three women,from England,Wales,an Scotland saw him an walked over,the English woman asked if he had ever had a hug,the man replied no so she gave him a hug,the Welsh woman asked if he had ever been kissed an again he replied no so she he gave him a kiss,the Scottish woman asked"ave ya ever been fooked? the man broke into a big smile an said no.the woman said "aye ye will be when the tide comes in"
Thinking he was funny, a husband said to his wife. "if you'd start washing your underwear in "Slim Fast", maybe it would take a few inches off your butt! His wife was not amused and decided to get back at him. The next morning he took about of underwear out of his drawer and noticed a little "dust cloud" appear. He yelled to his wife "Why did you put talcuim powder in my shorts?" "It's not talcuim; it's "Miracle Grow" Guys never learn...Do not piss off the woman!
I am passing this on to all of you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.
Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.