Jim says he cannot take the noise in our home, and would rather be placed. I can't stand the thought of losing him, we were supposed to grow old together, rock in the chair we bought out on our front porch. I can hardly breathe, I need someone to hold me.
I'm so tired, I try to keep things routine, I don't want to place him, I want him here with me, I want him back to the guy I fell in love with 6 yrs ago. Crap Phranque, Marsh, TJ where are all the guys when I need someone to hold me, I'm so lost
How many broken hearts can one human handle? We don't have nine lives. The worst feeling that I have ever had is the smothering feeling from my heart hurting so bad. If you have a pet, hug them hard. If you don't, grab a pillow and hug it. The hugging feeling should help this feeling pass so you can breath. If you're not a crier, you need to try to cry. Crying really does help but most of us can't cry any more.
Oh, Susan, I wish I was closer and could come over and give you a hug. Maybe he will change his mind--maybe you could tell him that just because he is placed doesn't mean it will be any quieter than where he is now.
I know it hurts like hell. We're all here with you. Everyone has their arms around you. Feel the love. Do take a deep breath, stay calm. Focus on something else for the moment. When I was in labor, I counted the dots on the wallpaper. Anything to distract you for a moment from the pain. I always like a cup of warm green tea, very comforting.
THANK YOU WEEJUN, you saved me from going under. I'm just so lost. I think it all just finally hit me when he said that he would rather be placed that be here with all our noise. Your suggestion of Earplugs might help. I will try that. The assessment RN is coming out on Wed so we'll see what she says. I wish I could be mad at him, but I'm just broken hearted.
Susan, Phranque said in the Giggles and Jokes recently, "Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart." this is really good advice. As hard as it is, find something to laugh about. Think about Tim Conway in the "tiny fisherman movie," or think of the most silliest thing that DH said to you once. Anything. If you can't cry, laugh.
Susan, I am the King of broken hearts. I know for a fact that time will make the pain go away, but the hard part is to figure out what to do during that time. Cry, find some distraction, cry again, and sleep. Things change, minute by minute, and hour by hour, so hang on to the thought of a better day tomorrow.
Lighten up, Susie Q -- just pretend you and I are finally getting around to our promised dancing to "In The Mood", followed by some making out in the car!
Noise also bothers my DW a lot -- oftentimes she resorts to putting her fingers in her ears when we have company -- at which point we usually resolve the immediate problem by taking her back to her bedroom and closing off the noise. I can imagine that it's not quite that easy in your case with other folks there in the house with you -- but you might remind Jim that that it probably won't be any quieter in a facility. I know it's hurtful to have him say that -- my DW says hurtful things too, but you just have to try to not let them get you down. Just hang on -- tomorrow will be a better day. Big HUG!
SusanL, if you haven't already, check out the discussion topic "Joan's Friday Blog - Turning the Tables on Me - How much more confusing can AD get?" and read Carosi's comments about the squirrel and the guinea pig -- that will surely make you laugh!!
Susan I know it is heartbreaking for you for your husband to know he is slipping. You can't die-a wedding is coming soon. Your mam and daughter need you. Nora
SusanL, I am so sorry you are hurting. I have said a prayer for you and I hope you will feel better soon. If your DH's memory is like my DH he may forget what he said so just hang in there and hope for a better day tomorrow. Love and Hugs.
SusanL, I am so sorry you are hurting and I have said a prayer for you. If your DH's memory is like my DH he may have forgotten what he said. Hang in there and hope for a better day tomorrow. Love and Hugs.
I'm also so sorry that you are hurting SusanL. ((((SusanL)))) All of our dreams are shattered with this disease. He may or may not remember what he said to you. I don't know how far along he is. You mention that he is concerned about noise? Is it noise? If so, can you make some changes? If it isn't noise, can you figure out what it is?
Susan L...I want to hug you so tight and never let go. I feel much the same about my dw...I will spend the night with you tonight it that helps and you can hug me to death.......and we can laugh about it tomorrow...
Dearest Susan: I know how you feel, the words to that old song 'What'll I do?' kept ringing in my head when I had to place DH. Hardest thing I ever did, I so DID NOT WANT to separate us, so many of us have cried in your place, our hearts are broken like no one else can imagine. I can only tell you what you probably don't want to hear, but really, you will get thru this. And cry is good advice. It cleanses your system and you've damn well earned the right to do it. We are with you, you really are not all that alone, we're in a big, big emotional boat and it won't sink.
There have been times when my DH has said he'd rather be in a nursing home than 'follow my rules'. I recall I would say "If you continue to refuse to take a shower and brush your teeth when I remind you, I'll have to get someone else to help me take care of you." His reply was, "Fine! I'll go live in one of those facilities where they don't make you do anything you don't want to do!". It's usually after an especially tense day - where he's been agitated. NONE of our guys like it when lots of people are around, laughing and talking. Are nursing homes always quiet. I don't think so. Always music playing, someone is shouting, etc. etc. when I visit them. Susan, they say all sorts of bad things - without thinking. They don't have the controls we do. I bet he has already forgotten he said that.
I agree with Betty. Mine thinks longingly of getting away.. and I may just let him AFTER the summer. Noise seems to reverberate - I see him startle like a newborn when anything makes a noise. I agree, he'll probably have forgotten what he said, but you can also, I hope, keep the noise down as much as you can, and encourage Dylan to.. It will work out, I promise.
Reminds me of my 3 year old granddaughter. She has gotten more mouth than usual after being around some kids that were talking back to their parents a lot. When we took her with us the other day she started in telling us how horrible we are and etc........ I told her she was not talking nice and we would not talk to her until she did. She continued on with us staying silence then stopped mid sentence and said 'i'm ready to talk nice now.' My husband is not there, but for many of you that is what I see EXCEPT - they don't get to the 'I'm ready to talk nice' stage very often if at all.
I am so sorry you are having to go thru this Susan. ((((((((((((((((((Susan)))))))))))))
Oh Susan, i'm so sorry for the heart break you're feeling right now. Your DH didn't mean it. Mine tld me once he wanted a divorce while we were having a heated discussion. (we don't have those anymore) Not long after and many times since he's said he couldn't have made it without me, and on and on. It's not him it's the disease talking. This will pass, just hang on and go through it with all the suggestions and hugs you're getting here, it will pass.
John often suggests he wants to go to a nursing home......he startles like a little kid waking up from a fitfull nap when anything like the cat jumping up onto the bed or my moving around happens. He hates noises....but makes PLENTY himself. I find that John doesn't remember any of his roudiness the next day. AT ALL. I know it's difficult with all you have to handle there. But, please hang in. They change so fast. Maybe this "phase" won't last long???? Someone else here has probably got better knowledge than I do, there. We love you. Please try to relax. We've got your back! Jen.
Oh Susan, I am so sorry this is happening to you. And, I just discovered you tried to contact me on FB Chat about 5:30 - I wasn't home. I am so sorry I wasn't here for you then. I am holding out my hands to you and want you to hang onto them. Lots of hugs going to you.
Susan, think of that party we were supposed to have in Augusta. I know how you feel. DW and I "celebrated" our 55th anniversary today. Our daughter gave us a photo album of several trips we had taken with her and her husband. DW did not seem to remember any of them, although they were all in the last 5 years. This is not the retirement any of us wanted.
SusanL, you have everyones support here dear lady. you have more on your plate than any of us here. When i read all that you are suffering and going thru with your mom, dylan, DH, and lack of income, benefits. etc. well i just wonder how one human can endure it all and keep on going. you are surely a survivor, Susan, your family needs you too- as you are the glue that binds them all together. like the others say our spouses say things that hurt intensely but forget as surely as they said it. it may be he is just tired and stressed over all the excitement today in the home and tomorrow will be better. if you have a room that is quieter try to set him up in there away from the crowds and noise. if he will leave earplugs that may be good too. i am so very sorry you have no personal support system there for you to help see you though this. but know that everone here is pulling on that rope to get you onto safe ground. divvi
Okay, SusanL, I've come out on the other side of this hell, so I'm throwing you a good 15' of unused rope, with big sturdy knots. I'm also hugging you to me, with your head on my shoulder, patting your back and saying "there, there, baby, you'll get through this."
Is it possible part of Jim's reaction is to the recent increased in noise with Diego's presence, and that he will settle down in a few more day? Going from one youngster to two in the household is a big deal for those who need sameness every day. If earplugs don't work, I wonder if you could do anything with noise cancelling headphones. If he sits in one place for any length of time, those might help him.
You're having a really crappy night and must be exhausted. I gotta hope things will look better tomorrow. Hang on, hang on, hang on! Arms around.
Susan, my heart goes out to you! Can you put your husband in one room with a TV where he can be by himself and shut out the noise? If anyone is around our house more than a day, my husband will go back to the bedroom to escape the noise. It bothers them. It also confuses them somewhat. And it take extra energy to try to keep up what they foresee as "appearances" around a person who is not normally there, so that are tired. What he was probably really saying, was he needs a quiet place. One thing is for certain - they don't realize what they are saying is coming out wrong and hurting the person that they love the most.
You have to build on that wall, Susan. That wall goes around your heart, so that you can take care of him at home; and take care of Dylan, and prepare for the wedding, and deal with your mom's illness on top of that. Sweet one, your plate isn't just overflowing, they gave you two platters to balance at the same time! But you CAN do it. Just think - you've got the guys here holding on to you as well as all of us gals....Take some deep breaths, get a glass of wine, say to yourself "self, we are never given more than we can bear, so there has to be a reason that I need to build up all of this strength" "I will take each hour of each day - one at a time - and deal with it. I won't look ahead right now. I'm dealing with this hour. Just take care of you this first hour...wine and walls, then the next hour, What can I do this hour to help me do the best job I can to make things quieter for my husband. The next hour, what can I do for Dylan and Diego? The next hour, is it too late to talk to mother - the next hour - I believe it is time for another glass of wine and 30 minutes of a good book.
Build walls --deal in short periods of time. Let tomorrow be tomorrow.
I don't know if this advice will help you....It would me, and that is why I'm offering it - along with my love and some of my strength, and my prayers. You can make it...I know you can.
Susan...Please be assured that we are all here for you. One of the things I noticed was that ad patients do not tolerate loud noises at all, and they prefer a same routine each day. My dw is living alone in our house, and it kills me to think that she is trying to cope alone there. I am constantly on the phone with her trying to calm her down when things go awry. It is hard being separated, and although I think it is better for her right now, I am still heartbroken, and homeless... It will change eventually when she can no longer stay alone, and she wants to move in with my daughter. I feel like such an outsider, and would never have believed that 35 yrs of marriage would have resulted in this. Either way is difficult, whether they are at home or in a nh.....I cannot see much difference in the heartache, but it still hurts so bad. My thoughts are with you, and I am in the process of making plans to visit Maine...My dw's brother is dying of liver cancer, and I would like to make our final trip to Portland, but I am not sure I can find someone to take care of my 87 yr old mom while I am gone...also it is my busy season and I still have to work... Enough said about me....this is your comfort message: We all love you Susan L, and all wish you did not have to go thru this terrible ordeal. You can have my heart Susan, although it is shattered, broken, and not worth a whole lot. Big hugs for you and hang in there...and grab the rope, and don't let go.
Phranque, your heart is worth a fortune! You have helped us all daily with your humor! I look forward to seeing what you will come up with next! We can either laugh or cry and you chose to laugh and share it. That is a wonderful thing. We're all holding your heart for you - it's bruised, not broken.
Tonight I am not laughing, but have lots of tears in my eyes. Susan reminded me of my life, and how horrible this disease is for someone. There are so many heartbreaking moments and so many times you are totally powerless to do anything about the situation. I think I am dehydrated tonight. Got to find something real phunny....
I can hardly see the screen, so it's a good thing I paid attention in typing class, cause I'm crying from the overwhelming support from you, my family. I don't know where I'd be without you all. I did not even pick up the phone to call a friend, because they DON"T KNOW, they have no idea what WE go thru every flipping day. How much me love our spouses, how hard we try or what it is like to have you future thrown to the winds, blown away like dust in the wind. God, I alway hated that song, "Dust in the Wind", now it sounds like my future. Thank you all. Phranque, I will go to sleep dreaming of you holding me, keeping me safe and sane. Weejun, bluedaze, briegul, a special thanks, and EVERYONE, thank you for being my best friends and my best family, I love you all. Oh how I wish we could all be together, even for just an hour. This is second best and I am so very lucky to have you all. Sleep well, tomorrow will be here all too soon. Love, Susan
It is the Alzheimer's hotline number. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.
There are times when no one is here, but someone is ALWAYS there for caregivers who need to be talked down. I've called them late at night myself when I was freaking.
Susan: I know how you feel. My wife has been asking me (mostly in anger) to 'just put her someplace'. This has been going on for a couple of months and at first it hurt my feelings. I really felt rejection. She is now in the hospital with a broken ankle and this has presented a whole new set of problems.
I have put my arms around you because I know how you feel.
Oh Susan, I am so sad for you, wish I could be right there holding your hand, having a glass of wine with you and just talk the night away,daylight will come and maybe things will look better in the morning, hopefully he won`t remember what he said, my dh said many things that made me feel like you are feeling and forgot he even said them, try to get some sleep and god bless
Susan, I hope I can give you something to hang on to: I remember the "no noise" stage. Everything drove her nuts, "Too loud, too loud!" But it passed. So much of this stuff passes. The fact that they have stages is here to stay, but each little foible and nitpickyness usually passes. In a few weeks, it'll be something else. Andrea used to cry to be able to be dead, and it broke my heart, and then she cried that she didn't want to die, and it broke my heart, but it passed.
Have a good cry for the things you've lost, but realize that is what it is. You won't grow old together, but you have been called to a higher task...being the one person in the world who loved him so much that you are able to make the decisions that must be made. Embrace this task, and understand that God has chosen YOU to bear this suffering, just as he chose Mary to watch His Son's suffering. Do you realize that anyone in the world could have married your husband, but God chose you to do it? He knew that you were the one that he could trust to do for Jim what no one else would be strong enough to do. Take the moments one at a time, and realize that you are strong enough and smart enough to od what needs to be done. You can do it. We all believe in you.
Dear Susan, how my heart aches for you. You have so much on your plate! Sometimes it's overwhelming knowing how many people count on you. I know, believe me, I know. The people you are taking care of may not realize what an angel you are, but all of us here know it. They will someday, too. Although it seems as if it is hopeless, please know that it is not. I've recently suffered a tremendous loss in my life, and the few people on the boards that I confided in truly saved my life, just knowing that they were here for me day or night. We're here for you, too. I'm sending you a big hug, wish I could give it in person. (((((HUG)))) Take care and know we all love you! ~Di
Excellent point, York. These stages do move on. They (he or she) won't be like this forever. Eventually, they grow totally quiet. It's just so sad..and it's hard, because regardless if it is the disease talking or not, the words stab into our hearts. Words we never thought they could say to us, sick or well. Understanding that, KNOWING that, still doesn't make it any easier.
Thank you all AGAIN, you are the best friends a girl could ask for. I have regained my composure (sp) and will go forward coffee in hand to face another day. It's Saturday, Dylan will go to Courtney's to play with Diego and have dinner there. I have time to drag DH to the Recylcing Center with me. Then I have to figure out how to empty the water out of my broken washing machine! Aghhhh. My youngest son is in college, pre med :o) and has been working full time. He will pay for a washer from Rent a Center until I can get one thru the Energy Program in August/September. Thanks for hanging in there with me. Love you all. S
Susan, its with much relief we all will be up to read you are feeling better today. its so very strange how one persons personal problems become a vortex thats being absorbed by everyone who is their friend here. everyones posts showed so much concern and heartache over your situation last nite. your sonis a true gem and a smart one at that:)! i am sure you are so very proud of him pre-med. susan, know that we are all here for you and are sending comforting hugs and warm embraces to see you thru this day. its so wonderful to be a part of this forum with sooooo many kind and caring friends. divvi