As i've mentioned, My DH fell, 2 weeks agao and fractured his pelvis. OK, so I've been waiting on him hand and foot, emptying his peepee bottle so he doesn't have to walk to the bathroom at night, you name it. Tomorrow, my grandson is making his confirmation... i wanted DH to wash and shave today, so he'll be ready for tomorrow. So what does he do??? he climbs down the deck steps, (one whole flight_) to sit on the ground in the back and move rocks around. then he struggled to clime back up the deck steps, and was annoyed because I didn't come when he called, because he almost couldn't get up. So I found him, carried his walker up, because of course, he can't walk without the walker, and he's now so exhausted, he had to lay down. So when he got up the steps onto the deck, and I walked behind carrying his walker, then I brought him some juice and apple pie, and he wanted to know why I was mad. WHY!!! So I told him, If he tells me he is too sore to go to the confirmation, I will go without him. So he started yelling at me that I make everything an arguement. I pointed out that I am not arguing. he asked why I was annoyed and I told him. so now he went to bed. I wouldn't let him go to bed in our bed because now he's covered with dirt and grass and is too exhausted to even wash his hands, which he hardly ever does anyway. I just am so MAD!!! I had to vent.
Hope you feel better now chris. I took dh to granddaughters basketball game today and it was in the High School second gym, with no bathroom nearby, so I worried about that and told him the situation and had him go before we left home. Right before the game he asked me "I need to go to the bathroom" duhhhhhh. So son in law was there and he wheeled him in his transport chair up 4 ramps to get to the bathroom in the other gym and said it was quite a job. (I cannot imagine why they do not have facilities at the secod gym) Bathroom issues are to be expected anymore just like a small child. I told him why can't you pee before we go into a place like this. I can pee every 15 minutes if I want to. He says he has never practiced doing that. grrrrrrr.
Men really haven't a clue, Lois. My maxim: women go in case (what you're suggesting) and men go in need (what he's used to). That's why there are always lines in women's rooms at events. I have to run sink water to get my husband to go when he is being stubborn about going.
Chris, your frustration is completely understandable. I hope he settles down and you can both enjoy the confirmation tomorrow. Otherwise, you enjoy yourself, my friend.
I can certainly identify. DH won't go anywhere with me now. Not even to the grocery store or the nursery. Shaves only once a week when I tell him. I have to give him his shower. He got into the shower the other day and he might as well have saved the water. He just rinsed off--no soap. Didn't wash under his arms and frankly, my dear, he's getting pretty gamey.
My wife also argues when I tell her it's time to get a shower. She's forgotten how to wash her hair so I have to help her. I've found it's easier to just get in the shower with her. We hadn't done that in a LONG time! ;-)
Until lately my husband would shower with prompting, now he will wash his hair & upper body, however, will not wash anything else. I have started taking this task on myself. He doesn't do a good job with toilet paper so this is a must. I just keep thinking he would be devasted if he actually understood that he was not washing his private area or his bum.
Chrisr...At times like you describe I remind myself that my dh is a 5 year old. 5 year olds do things without any regard to the conquences or how their actions effect others. Initially I reacted just like you. How could you do that...don't you care about anyone but yourself? Why are you making everything so hard for me? I understand now he was not out to hurt or upset me. He just can no longer reason through anything.Once I accepted this things improved for us. I've lost a husband and gained a child. So sad. P.S....5 year olds don't care about going to bed dirty or how they smell. lol
May I add my vent to all the above for ALL the same reasons. I really would like to be nice, but often times it is asking too much. Mawzy, is it a NW thing about the rinse off without soap? He surely knows better, but says it is my imagination. Whew, not imagining what the towels smell like!
chris, I empathize as others here do! My husband can't bathe himself or shampoo his hair anymore, or shave, but every other day, he will get in the bathtub and sit down in the water we've run, and allow one of us to bathe, shave and shampoo him. Thank goodness we have one of those shower hoses that we can use to rinse him off while he is sitting down!
Last year he was outside pulling weeds every afternoon. And had to have a bath daily. And if we had somewhere to go, I didn't tell him, I just helped him dress, helped him get in the car and took him. If he sleeps through it, that is okay with me. I get to enjoy it! I don't bother to let him know we have some place to go until it's time to get him ready, because either he will delay us or want to get ready in the morning when we aren't going until the afternoon, and then we would have to change him again!
I think that sometimes when they are afraid to go, that they create situations that will get them out of having to go. They don't want to tell us that they get confused in crowds and are afraid of getting lost, or whatever their reason for their fear. Try not telling him until it's time to bathe and shave and only that you are going out but not where. Make it a surprise. See if that helps!
Mine is looking forward to going out every day. I've spoiled him! I've also run out of places to GO! And wants to watch movies. He loves 'em. but he doesn't like violent ones or noisy ones, or animated ones - he saw the ads for Hotel for Dogs and I know he will want to see that!! He likes slapstick! AH< I just remembered George of the Jungle. He'll like that!
We went to a large gathering yesterday. One of the ladies there has advanced Parkinson's, She sleeps most of the time. Talks very little. It takes 2 people to get her in and out of her wheelchair/to the bathroom, etc. Her DH who is 86 is just exhausted.
DH asked me what was wrong with her. I told him. Then he said that her husband didn't look good. I told my DH that the poor man was just worn out.
Then he said (I'm not kidding) "Well that's what happens when you don't take care of yourself. Like smoking, eating too much. You also have to make sure to exercise regularly." He went on and on about personal care.
Then he added: "I don't see how he can do all of that. Why doesn't he put her in a home? That's where she belongs."
Then I told him that she is in a private care facility and he goes over there every day to visit her ane he brings her home with him if family is around.
I was so disappointed in DH's attitude. Am I over reacting? I felt really funny and kind of hurt. Made me wonder if things were reversed if he would try to take care of me.
He is of AD mind Mawzy. But that said, my dh could/would not be able to take care of me. He was always a ME person and that is not going to change. He would do some things but after about 2 weeks there would be no clean clothes, dishes or food in the house. It is hurtful me too to think of these things.
My DH would have tried, I'm sure, but I remember when his mother was living with us with AD... very little help from him. he just wasn't in the moment even 25 yrs ago. That is as it is. as for saying what he said, I do believe that it was the disease talking. I know my DH always talked a good game, still does in fact, although for very short periods, shorter and shorter as time goes by.
In the many nh's I've visited the women out number the men by at least 5 to 1. I believe there are two reasons for this. Number 1: Women live longer than men. Number 2: Though there are many wonderful exceptions as we all know from this board, most men can't deal with full-time care giving. No offense meant but when a man raises his children alone he is admired and looked up to. When a women does it, it's just part of her job description. Same goes for caregiving. John would not do for me what I've done for him. Family and friends have all commented on this. Question is: is it nature or nuture? cs
cs, I believe a third reason why you find more women than men in nursing homes is that men just seem to be naturally "wired" to move on and find another partner and another life, while women seem to be unwilling to give up on the now-dead relationship that perhaps more nearly represented their "identity". Quoting from something I just Googled:
<<I think it was Dorothy Parker who reportedly woke up in the middle of the night with an inspiration. The words that came to her were so brilliant and insightful that she instantly wrote them down, certain that she had unlocked the key to a wise and wonderful poem. She woke up the next day and read what she had written: "Hogamus higamus, men are polygamous. Higamus hogamus, women monogamous." >>
oh, no, Gourdchipper, it's a lot more common that women say they FIND their identity when they lose their husband!! The last thing in the world they want is to take on more responsibility for someone else!!
I'm not talking about AZ here, any more than Dorothy P. was. Yes, I love that phrase of hers!
This is interesting. My husband is end stage in a special unit of a dementia only facility. There are more men than women there. Possibly because of the rage/violence issues. It's sad-but they are like lost pussycats now. It is the women who do much of the acting out.
i agree with cs my thoughts only and no offence to the wonderful men on this site ,women are caregivers,my dh would have put me in a nh far sooner than i did him, would have been way to much for him, i`m sure it would cause him alot of anguash but i know he could not handle something like alz.
Briegull, hope you're right about women finding their identity when they lose their husband! I am now starting to ponder whether or not to take back my maiden name, and am leaning toward it.
doneit, think the rage/violence issue may definitely factor in there. I'm not sure, but I would guess the prison population is filled with many more males than females (I am not comparing AD to criminals just for the record, so people don't get offended by the comment.)
I think the reason there are more women thatn men in NH's is because there are more women than men. Women live longer. so many times the men die off, either before they come down with dementia or before they get placed. and women are more likely to keep the fellow home and care for him. Hi Hip hooray for the male caregivers we have here. I don't believe you are in the majority.
My husband nursed his first wife through cancer for months before her death. He always said he never regretted it and would do it again. There is doubt that he would do the same for me. But he was 30 years younger then.
My husband cared for his first month who had MS, until he finally had to put her in a nursing home. If the tables were reversed, I know he would try his best to care for me too. Impossible now, of course.
Do we have any husband's here whose wife has EOAD? You could be on to the fact women live longer than men making it appear women are affected more than men. Here, it seems all the EOAD victims are men. That might be a better representation of if men lived as long as women, who would get AD more. Just a thought.
My dw has eoad, and she is now 55, and in stage 6. Yes there are probably more men than women, but men have a tougher time being a caregiver because it is so foreign to their nature.