Dear God, I pray tonight for you to take away my pain and dry my tears. You gave me an angel to marry years ago to give me life, but now she is mostly gone, and I desparately need another angel to help me care for her and to deliver me from this dark cloud of loneliness. I have already turned my life over to you, and pray you either take it now or grant me new life. Please give me some sign that there is hope this loneliness will end. Grant me the strength to continue until I can see the light of that day. Amen.
TJ, I know that God will answer your prayer. For me I've learned that He will do it in His own time and in His own way. I've turned my life over to Him as well, and pray for the patience and understanding I need to cope with everything associated with my husband's illness, and for good health so that I can take care of my husband. The rest I leave to my faith in Him.
Thanks Mary and Vickie, what is so maddening about what we all face is that it is such a lonely destiny we have had forced upon us. Only our faith in God's will can give us any sense of 'stability' as we move through this. In our church there was an artist who was paralyzed from the waist down so in a wheelchair constantly, but totally able mentally. So you can say that her husband was not alone in caring for her....he had her to talk with just as if she were not in the wheelchair. How I would have much preferred that kind of situation with my DW. Going along like a robot, as many of you have said before, is not living, it is just surviving until the next day of the same thing. The problem is, for those of us in the older category, there are only a limited number of days left to survive this and look forward to some happiness beyond. If I had lost DW on the operating table at age 46, she would be at peace, and I would have found somebody to share the rest of life with at some point later. God bless us in our sadness.
TexasJoe, if you havent already visited with a dr for depression, i think it may be a good opportunity to work a visit in. you have been down in the abyss for sometime and maybe an antidepressant is needed for a while to see you thru the pains you are experiencing. just a thought, i know its up to each to do what whats best for them individually, but sometimes with this disease its a necessity. my best, divvi ps and if you are on something time to call the dr to reevaluate the one you are on.
TexasJoe, I am sorry for the pain and lonliness that you feel. I agree with divvi about the anti-depressant but I also urge you to contact a spritual counselor. I pray that you find peace and most of all that you become content with the partner that you have. We are all going through very hard times emotionally and sometimes physically, but at the same time I do not fell peaceful about roaming outside of my fence to attempt to find greener pastures. You and your DW are in my prayers. We are your friends and partners in this journey, just continue to communicate with us.
Divvi, I am not on anything, nor do I want to be. I shudder every time I see the commercials for those drugs when they list the possible side-effects including from diarrea to death, and I would rather die from a broken heart than from a pill. SHELLSEEKER50, I think it is more natural for a man to want to move on to 'greener pastures' than a woman. Its in our DNA, and has nothing to do with loving our current spouse any less. We are the weaker sex for sure, especially in that area of needing a mate. I'm probably stepping on a lot of toes, but hey, I am who I am, and I'm a straight-shooter, politically correct or not. Again, thanks for the advice and support.
TexasJoe, as one lonely male caregiver to another, what you need is not a spiritual counselor or a doctor to give you something for depression -- what you need is a periodic dose of feminine companionship, pure and simple. And based on some of your earlier posts, your willingness/ability to make a start on pursuing feminine companionship may be all tangled up with some moralistic issues and a fear of rejection. Believe me, you could benefit a lot from feminine companionship without trying to hop in the sack right away (or ever if the moral business bothers you), and making a start on lining up feminine companionship doesn't have to be like my story about the stable boy and the princess.
Quoting from one of your early posts:
"O.k....I'm sick of the sadness, loneliness, and craziness. Since my soul-mate has basically been taken away from me, I want a girl-friend. A flesh and blood girlfriend to romance, talk with, and feel some sort of normal life with. We could work in the yard together, cook dinner together, watch tv or movies together, and after we put DW to bed, do whatever fooling around we felt like doing. Of course, she would have to understand that the safety and comfort of DW comes first, but after that, being 'normal' would sure be a delight. It's not a total moving on, but it would sure be the next best thing. How do you find someone that would be willing to have this kind of relationship? Match.com? "
No, Match.com isn't the place to start. Can you think of any female friends you may have, or perhaps friends of your wife, that you might enjoy spending some time with? Does your wife have a birthday coming up soon or anything like that where you could ask one of these females to help you shop for a gift, and then maybe lunch in the food court afterward? Or if there's no birthday coming up, then make up some other excuse -- your wife needs new nighties or underwear and you don't know how to shop for it -- whatever -- and you won't likely be turned down. Having broken the ice, the next time should be easier -- maybe with this same person again, or maybe with someone different if the chemistry didn't turn out to be right for wishing to pursue further time with this one. Just make a start and then let things go where they will -- you'll be a healthier and happier person for doing it!
Sound advice, Gourdchipper, but all our friends have deserted us except for 2, both of which are married. So the only thing to do is start with a support group if I can find one around here. Or join a garden club or Bach society. How about an ad in Craig's List? Wanted: fine-looking rich chick with a body that won't quit, looking for an old fart with a white beard who has an invalid wife that needs 24/7 care. Think that will bring in the calls? <grin>
GChipper, great advice from one guy to another. TJ, hang in there, keep praying for strength and guidance. Not that it matters, but I am on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety med. This helps me so much. Now, from what I can see, both of you guys would be a great catch ;o)
GC, I have frequently thought along the lines you suggested, but can't think of any suitable females except one - and she lives in Rhode Island, a 6 hour drive from Maine. She has been a close family friend for 55 years - almost like a sister. She will be visiting us for a week next month, so we will be seeing a lot of each other, but always with DW also there. Since DW's birthday, plus our anniversary, are next month, maybe I can get her to take me shopping while I get someone else to stay with DW.
Come on, TJ, get off the dime! Married/shmarried, it doesn't matter, just ask one of those two female friends for some shopping help and go on from there -- they may have unmarried friends, or whatever -- who knows, but just make a start.
I used to work with a very successful salesman whose first law of motion was "If you need data, go where the data is at -- don't sit on your a$$ and wonder about it!" If we were bidding a job in say Egypt and looking for a way to get a strategic edge on the bidding process, he'd fly to Cairo (his second law of motion was that if you needed to go somewhere, go to the airport) and start talking to people -- the cabdriver taking him to the hotel, the hotel desk clerk, someone he'd met in the hotel bar, whatever, and then start following his nose -- turning over rocks -- not knowing exactly what he was looking for, but confident that he'd know it when he saw it. I think that's what you need to do -- just start somewhere -- anywhere -- and then follow your nose and see where it leads you.
I have found such a friend but the fact that I am married is not helping the situation. Still we are friends and we talk daily. It does take your mind off the situation and gives me hope that in the future I will be able to get on with my life once this phase is done. It will take someone really special who understands the disease and understands that you still have responsibilites to meet. I hope that you can meet someone. If you attend church, that might be a good source for someone who is willing to help. I tried an online dating service and I actually posted my situation and for some reason I did not get a single hit.
Good luck with the shopping trip, marsh, and if she has a good enough time during the visit and sees that it means a lot to you, perhaps she'll want to visit more often -- maybe she'll even get a faster car so the trip doesn't take 6 hours! No, really, give her some signals -- start thinking/talking about the future -- she's possibly as lonely now as you're going to be later on. I can't tell you how much it means to me having an occasional lunch or dinner date with my special lady friend, and our parting comment is usually something like "One of these days, girl!" -- which may or may not ever come to pass, given our advanced ages, but it certainly helps with the loneliness.
I know I've said it before, but it really does bother me a bunch to be rejected. I don't know how many times I've heard the old "Gee, Joe, you're a great guy, but..........". It would be nice to be attractive to somebody. Maybe in the next life I can get a face like Brad Pitt. Of course if there is no sex in Heaven, then who cares what you look like! Goodnight boys and girls and all the ships at sea. I'm tuckered out.
81/going on about 31, Susan..... My special lady friend said her cardiologist recently told her that in spite of being 82, she didn't look a day over 65 -- and she said she never thought she'd consider it a compliment to be told that she looked 65!
Dan, that is a great joke..love the punchline. My ins. agent is a great joke teller, and I recall that joke is a short version of one that he tells. He is good at shaggy dog stories like the one that ends "thats a long way to tip a Rari".
Texas Joe....I'm hoping to bring my DH home from FL this week if all works out and he's having some good sane moments (like when we have to talk to the social worker and the admissions office at the nursing home). I miss my mate as well. I know I'm not getting the man I fell in love with back. Just a shell. But I think I will still have some little-bittle of time with him before he "passes". He told me the other day he didn't want to die there without me. I think it's going to be a hard trip back home for him, if God grants my wishes. One day, I, too, want to find someone. I loved having a companion and help-mate for my life. I know I'll be looking someday soon. I hope I'll find someone with a heart as big as yours and with the same kind of passion/compassion as I sense you have. (Maybe people like us will find someone here???) Jen
Anything and everything is possible, StuntGirl, in this crazy world we live in. You never know what lies around the bend, good or bad. You can hope for the best, but need to be prepared for the worst, which if we're lucky, will be only temporary until the passing of time heals us. I wish you all the best this week and beyond, Jen.
doneit, be careful -:) my mom is 90yrs old and a nurse for most of it too. she lives in a small town and widow women outnumber the men 5-1! hhah. she is in 'high demand' because she is fairly good health, a NURSE, and cooks well and loves gambling..the older guys like the idea of 'nurses' in their golden yrs..:) divvi
I've been talking about "reinventing" my life lately.....maybe, to prepare for the possibility that I may not be available until MUCH later in life, I should become a nurse?