My husband hasn't driven since the beginning of March and never once complained. The other day though he asked me when his drivers license needed to be renewed and I told him it couldn't be renewed because of his "illness". He proceeded to go on and on about how he knew how to drive, etc., etc. I told him that the doctor and the state said he couldn't drive--that didn't go over well. The only thing that did finally shut him up is that our original car broke down and cost too much to be repaired. My grandmother--who at 94 just gave up her license--gave me her car. He has never driven this car and I told him it was mine and he couldn't be insured on it. For some reason, he accepted that. We'll see how it goes when I take him for his state id.
The driving topic has the longest threads on any forum about dementia. And Joan certainly has written many times on her struggles. And, there have been spouses who haven't driven or been concerned about it in years who have grabbed the keys and driven.
It they can agree that they should not longer drive, that's great. Just remember they may change their mind tomorrow, next month or next year. Regardless of whether they have a valid drivers license or insurance. Those that drive after family and/or drs. feel they should stop are often in the headlines of the news after they are found hours away, or have driven through a crowd of people or their bodies are found later, somewhere.
At some point, they should not drive or have access to keys and/or cars. That is the important thing to remember. And, they can not be the one deciding when this should happen.
I agree about having access to keys. I keep my keys hidden from him just in case he gets it into his head that he wants to go for a drive. I also have the keyed deadbolts on my doors and I wear a lanyard around my neck with those keys on it. He doesn't get lost but likes to walk and would leave the house without me knowing.
deb sorry the picture of you wearing the house keys around your neck like a 'warden' made my smile-. sorry -i would do the same and hide the keys-but i am not sure i would go for round the neck, if DH wanted them badly enough he could pull them tightly around your neck and uh-oh you'd be toast. be careful please! some of these FTD guys can get quite anxious and hostile when you least expect it. divvi
I am still reading...on Page 4 now...eyes beginning to cross and cloud over. While I go back and finish reading all the "driving" posts, would some of you who posted back in '07 and '08 like to give an update?
On a happy note- some men stop driving with no complaints. Some don't like it, but are still able to reason that it is safer for them and everyone else, and just hand over the keys. Some make the decision themselves, as did Trish's husband, Bob.
Unfortunately, my experience has not been good. To say the least. This issue almost killed me. I hope and pray that you have it easier than I do. I almost ended up in the hospital from anxiety attacks from all the screaming and fighting. And we almost got divorced over it. 10 non-stop months of anger, rage, screaming, and crying. And that was just from him. Risperdal and Celexa have managed to calm him down. If you feel like reading more (as if 9 pages of message board posts aren't enough!), log onto my home page, click "previous blogs" on the left, and read #231, 248, 261, 262, 323, and 353 for just a sampling of what I went through.
As I said, I really do hope you have a much easier time of it than I did.
i doubt theres much to post weejun, almost sure anyone who was 'thinking about it' way back then almost surely took the keys with a lot of crap at some point and the spouses arent driving! and no its not easy-think joan! theres no choices here -liability is out the kazoo if they cause any accident even a 'not at fault'- everyone who reads the whole driving post will see this. divvi
yup, remove access to the keys. Lock them up. Locking storage will be needed most likely for other things. If your spouse feels he should manage financial things and he is no longer capable, even a court order won't prevent problems. Things will need to be removed from their access, like credit cards, account numbers, etc. And meds and anything else they might misuse.
thanks for your concern. I wear the keys on a breakaway lanyard so if he ever grabbed them it would come apart. Also I wear them under my shirt so he doesn't see them. I also have keys hidden near the doors and everyone but him know where they are.
This issue never goes away even though G knows he crashed THREE cars after he was "done driving", he will still say "I'll just take the truck to the dump or I'll go get a sandwich". However, he is right there to tell everyone who will listen that he no longer drives, and to never let anyone take your keys away. Responsibilty is like the common sense button...long gone.
DH took the long-awaited shower this morning and while he was doing that, I took ignition key off his keychain. I was shaking, a nervous wreck, nearly sick to my stomach. I am hoping he doesn’t notice it for a long time. But whenever he does there will be a bad scene. I’ve been reading up on previous blogs and posts about the topic and I have many good ideas in my head of what to do depending on his reaction. If ya’ll don’t mind, I think I’ll just toss some of that rope into my back jeans pocket so it will be handy when I need it.
Weejun, Have a similar key made off your ignition then have the key-cutter fix it so it will go in the ignition but not start the car. They can do this, and then put it back on his ring before he notices.
weejun, never admit to taking that key! if he wails on you say he must have lost it somewhere off the keychain and you will look for it in the house. dont get anxious or fearful and act very cool like its his problem. he will be looking for a way to blame you of course. stay your course and stay CALM. keep cell handy and a safe place marked out just in case! maybe he wont notice and if so try to diffuse the topic and move on. well look for it and if it doestn show up maybe we canget another 'soon'... good luck!divvi
Weejun, if having a locksmith modify the key so it won't work would take too long or increase your risk of "consequences", you could fix it yourself so it wouldn't work if you have a way to just unobtrusively grind off one of the little vee shaped ridges on the key. If I were doing it myself, I'd probably take it out to my grinding wheel, or else use a file on it. But you might even be able to do a good enough job on it with an emery board or, better still, one of those fingernail files with diamond grit. (We're ruining this key, so I assume you have a spare somewhere?)
Great advice, all! Lois is right about having a key made. Divvi is right. Never admit you took it!!!
There is one more thing.......after all this time, he will occasionally go to the driver's door when we are going somewhere. He STILL forgets he can't drive - however, he doesn't argue, and we just direct him to the back seat and he goes peaceably.
if she grinds it could get stuck in the ignition and not come out! dont go that route. just go to a key place and ask for a key that looks the same for now if you have to. it wont go in maybe if you ar lucky he wont persist in this and give itup. divvi
Weejun..if your key has the "chip " in it, you can get a copy made at Walmart, Home Depot,etc, and that key will unlock the doors and not allow the car to run....If you go to the dealer, they can also make a key that will not let the car run...If you are "discovered", you can always suddenly "find the key", and of course it will not be the one that works.....It looks identical to the original, but does not contain the special chip that allows the car to start.....of course I am assuming that you have the kind of car that has the chip. Anoither alternative is to buy a Rolls Royce, and then hire a chauffer to drive. This is my preferred method, and the chauffer can also double as a "day care sitter" when he is not driving....
Yes, his Avalon ignition switch uses a "chip" key. My Tundra does not. I thought about swapping those but I really don't want him to have a key that actually works on a vehicle. Plus, he definitely knows the difference between the two keys so he would know he had my key. I have to go to the dentist tomorrorw morning so will see if I can get a dummy key while I'm out. If all this doesn't work out, calling the Rolls dealership is my next move...NOT
Well, we finally hit the driving issue. My dh hasn't been driving because I told him "we couldn't afford to fix our 2nd car". The battery was dead and yes we could afford it officially. I just couldn't afford it emotionally or potential impacts to other people. Anyway, my dh went to his doctor Tuesday afternoon. I had already talked to him about the driving issue. He told dh under no circumstances could he drive. It seems to of gone smooth so far because the car is still sitting in the garage with a dead battery. I just purchased our 2nd car last year. It is a hybrid and he doesn't know what to do with it. I think we have it solved. Buy a new car so they can't learn how to drive the new one and then disconnect the battery from any remaining cars!
What kind of hybrid do you have Diane? I have a 2001 Prius and love it. It is getting older now and I dread when the repair bills start in, especially replacing the hybrid electric battery pack.
I've seriously considered getting rid of the two vehicles we have and getting a new one that I could easier load the transport chair. Might not be a bad idea. Do you think the hatchback on the 400h would be easy to load a wheelchair in? Or, maybe the Toyota Sienna would be lower to the ground. Any ideas are welcome.
They have vans that are equipped with ramps to load chairs. My sister bought one and surprisingly, with all the added weight, gets 14mpg. It is a full-size van with that is set so if she keeps it and she is in a wheelchair, the drivers seat can be removed or it turns around to slide into.
On your question of the 400h Weejun. I haven't dealt with a wheel chair yet so I don't know how well it works or doesn't work. There appears to be enough room for a smaller wheel chair that folds down. I would stop by and take a look at one. I think Charlotte's idea of a van is a good idea. There definately is a difference in gas mileage so the work you need to do may be a driver to the cost savings. You might want to actually take a wheel chair down to a dealer and see how it works.
I have an Outback. When I take my husband out, I get him in the front seat (he doesn't try to escape, divvi) and I put the walker in the back. We don't use the drugstore transport chair much bec. his leg doesn't bend so it's awkward, but we have taken it a few places where I knew there was a lot of walking. It isn't any bigger, really, nor much heavier, than the plain wheeled walker which does collapse. I don't think I'd consider a "handicapped" van for someone with alz - you wouldn't get much time with it before he'd be into another stage, and they cost an arm and a leg.
I think taking something to the dealers to try out is a good idea. They're falling all over each other these days at car dealerships. (and at Macy's! I was amazed that the store that never had a salesperson visible for half a mile now has them offering to shake your hand!)
The last I posted on this subject was last July. Last Aug. hubby had signed up for a written and driving tests. I didn't know he had until they called to remind him of the appt. I answered the phone and that is how I found out. I asked the lady if he had told them he was diagnosed with AD and she said no but he had told them he is diabetic. I gave him the message and asked him why he didn't tell me what he was going to do and he told me it was none of my business! His friend picked him up and for two days he was tested and of course he aced all the tests!! The day after he passed his friend came and got him and a couple of hours later hubby comes home with a new car!! He never told me he was going to buy a car. A week later we see his neuro and he had copies of the driving tests so the neuro said he could drive for now. Hubby told neuro he was going to be tested every 3 months so that he could make sure he was still safe to drive. Of course I knew that wasn't going to happen and it hasn't. When I asked him about the drivers test he said he will be tested every Aug. Well, I don't believe that either.
Needless to say I don't ride with him. When we need to go somewhere together I drive. I have given up on this battle. We shall see what this August brings. Sorry, didn't mean to make this long!!
My husband has driven 3 or 4 times in the last year, not at all in the last 6 months. He had a few close calls driving with me in the car and when I said you need to let me do the driving from now on, he just said OK. I was amazed because he is a stubborn cuss usually and for our whole marriage, he had never let me drive, not even to give him a break on long trips. Now on any trip over 5 hours, I stop half way and continued on the next day. My days of driving 10 hours in one day are long past. I do realize that this may all change as things progress.
Starling I do try to keep my posts short but sometimes I do get carried away!! I can't type just a few words to get my point made or when I vent. Usually I am not a woman of few words! LOL! I do my best to keep myself safe. I don't know how this is going to turn out just like everything else with dementia. It is a "one day at a time".
Correction - I checked with my sister and her van gets in the 22-24mpg range. ON a trip to CA from WA she averaged 24mpg she said. that is pretty good for a van with all the changed which are heavy. It also has air which fills when you start it to raise the van slightly and makes the ride smoother.
The driving issue re-surfaced this evening at our house. DH was on the golf cart to go out to the garden and I told him the axel was broke andd he shouldn't be riding it until we got it fixed. Finally got that through to him, then he said I will get the lawnmower. He hasn't been on the lawn mower for 2 years so I argued with him about that and I thought the issue was over.
Later, after his shower he very rudely brought up that we had PROMISED him he could drive the mower for 30 days and now I was reneiging on the promise. Half-way threatened me and warned me I had better "watch it". Things like this scare me. He hasn't did this for several months but he has NOT forgotten we made him quit driving.
He has been quiet since. I have both phones beside my bed and he can barely walk.
My DH voluntarily quit driving at night several months ago but he still drives during the day and I was "hoping" that he would voluntarily quit driving during the day too. I think I am dreaming. I am afraid that it is going to take something more drastic. I live in New Mexico and they seem to give licenses to just about anyone. I don't want to take away his keys but I guess if I have to I have to. Do you think that he will know when it is time for him to quit driving during the day like he did with driving at night?
He may, but I would ride with him as much as possible. You will be able to tell. This is what the neurologist told me yesterday after asking how his driving was. I told her I don't want dents in my car so I am watching his driving. And since we are usually together when he drives, I will know. I am a very defensive driver, so I don't put up with dangerous driving.
Before my DH stopped driving I think he was still doing quite well. He only drove when I was with him and I would tell him, Ok, turn right at the next stoplight, or left at the next corner, etc. A little over two years ago when we went to the annual AD research clinic they asked if he was still driving. We said, yes, and the interviewer looked at me and said, Why? I said, because he wants to. The interviewer told him to stop driving imediately and to give the keys to me. From that date on it has been a non-issue. I see now how fortunate I was in that.
Before my husband stopped driving he was doing fine, I always went with him. I slowly took over the driving over a period of a couple of weeks and he seemed not to mind. Every once in a while he will mention driving but doesn't get angry when I tell him he can't. It might have helped that our old 10 year old car died and I got a new used car which he has never driven.
When he does say that he knows how to drive, I always say that yes I know you know how, but it's just not safe anymore because you don't always know where you are going. He then agrees with me. I know how lucky I am that he is accepting of this.
I am a skittish backseat driver. i would not want to ride with anyone i had to coach to turn left, stop, turn here. if they are not able to call that one their own during driving then its quite possible the driving skills are not up to par especially if they had to stop suddenly for any reason or hit the brakes. lois, i hope you are 'watching it' and be on alert just in case. thats a minor threat but still a danger as his mind has it that you are not playing fair with him. the advantage is he cant move in a hurry.
deb it will be a miracle is he voluntarily gives you the daytime keys as well. the independence goes out the window and that leaves them vulvernable. good luck, divvi
The suspension/revocation arrived in the mail Monday. many of you might know that I have been sick since Father's day. So Monday, I had a sigmoidscope, and Tuesday I had a CT scan with contrast. The contrast made me very ill, and I just had no stomach (lol) for facing him with the suspension. I'm beginning to feel better now, but my son is coming over for dinner with the family, so I think I'll put it off to tomorrow. I'm such a coward. We have an appt with the geriatric psychiatrist Monday. he's the one who sent in the revocation, so If I give it to him thursday, he'll rant and rave till Monday. right? I'm really not up for this right now.
Funny you should ask. This a.m. my husband was in a very small accident. I questioned him as to what happened - no police report because damage was slight - checked out the car to see if it lined up with what John said and now he is blowing!!! Two different accounts, each plausible. He is mad because I am believing the other guy -which I'm not. I wasn't there. He is not AD. Memory impairment and cognitive impairment from TBI is diagnosis. He has difficulties but is still very much aware. I am angry that I have to be the "police" and the"bad guy" and that he thinks I think he's "lying".
ChrisR, any chance of getting the geriatric psychiatrist to give him the revocation at the appointment? Better the anger be directed at the doctor than you. Keeping a good thought for the test results. Feel better, please.
ChrisS, unfortunately the role of bad guy seems to be laid on caregivers all too often. Of course nothing is ever the fault of the AD spouse, right? (-:
divvi, one of the reasons my husband drove as long as he did is that most of the time I did not have to tell him how to navigate each and every turn. Most of the time, especially if we were coming home he navigated just fine. I did do all of the map reading, but I'd done that for years, decades in fact. If he had been there before he navigated just fine. And he could come home on his own from just about anywhere, no matter how far away.
In fact, the reason he can take his very long walks is that he STILL can navigate pretty well on his own.
When DH was told, no more driving!! his neurologist also stressed strongly that if he were in an accident and people learned he has any kind of brain disease they could and probably would sue him even if he were completely not at fault. That we could lose everything we owned. Really made a big issue of that. That is one of the things that has stayed with him, and if he even mentions driving, which he almost never does, I remind him of that, and he will say, oh, yes, I forgot.
OT: After reading all the threads about driving, Tuesday night I dreamed that my husband was driving, he was stopped by the police for speeding. When the policeman ask for his license, I commented he didn't have license, just a ID card because he has dementia. The policeman said, "He would let my husband go, however, I would at least spend 1 night in jail. Thankfully, I woke up before the handcuffs. lol
hey kadee, that sounds almost too realistic! now that scenario would encourage us to take the keys earlier!! i am glad you woke up, before the cuffs. LOL divvi