I debated all day whether this was worth a post, but it has really bothered me. I had offered my husband $100 and the use of my Amex card, then a couple of you caught it & so did I...can't give the man my credit card. He had told me if he paid the property taxes on the house, he wouldn't have money for gas & groceries.
This morning as I was getting dressed for work, he asked if I had $20 for gas & tolls to make his appointments. This is really scary for me. In our entire time together (11 yrs.) I have never had to go to him for money. He is SO living on the edge. Seems the company he does claims for hasn't sent him a check in 3 weeks, they've gone as long as 2 weeks before, but never 3. He says they owe him money, what do I know? I do know that he has told me that our city's market has just about dried up for these types of claims. (Class action suit for faulty siding.) Meaning he will soon have to find another way to make money.
I have been very upset today, trying to put up a good front at work. I got home at 9:30. I go from being pissed to being scared. I'm thinking, how can you not have enough money to put gas in your car? Then I think, what happens if his car breaks down, I'll have to pay for that too. He eats so much! I made tacos night before last, I ate 2, he ate 6! SIX! Usually I only eat one, but this was emotional eating. I am taking him for a physical on April 3 to get him on my Aflac cancer policy, & I have to pay for that (the physical & the policy.) This feels a LOT like when my son was a teenager. I pay for his car insurance, now feed him, now give him spending money. I remember all the expenses when my son was a teenager & I was a single Mom.
We were talking about feeling guilty the other day. I said I never feel guilty. I thought about that some more. I do feel guilty for withholding sex. But I am just not interested. I have no libido. Some days I say, well today is the day, but I just can't go through with it. I've never been with a man & not wanted nor had sex. I know he is upset about that, but I have just lost respect, our finances are a mess, and the last thing on my mind is sex.
I still haven't had a chance to go through his drawers, papers. He hasn't had appointments in quite some time, so on my days off, he's been here. I dread thinking what I will find.
Good to get it out, Kitty, and this is the place to do it! I really feel for you. I know you feel you can't leave but don't want to stay either. I would be an emotional wreck if I were in your place. I think you would do better out on your own if you could just get enough money to get you started.
Dear Kitty, Your situation is unique, to say the least. I absolutely do not know what I would do in your place. I was wondering if Divvi could post some information on what is called a "Legal Separation". What protection would that offer you? I hear you saying you don't want to be with him, but don't want to get a divorce, he is not supporting you, so living on his money is not the issue, and you are afraid of what his credit and tax obligations will do to your credit rating.
It's amazing what we can do for ourselves when we thought we had no options. I'm afraid you're going to work yourself into a heart attack or stroke if you keep on the path you are on.
just remember....'you've got a friend..........." (a good song) nbc
Thanks for your comments. Very insightful. We've been down the legal road of divorce on this site & I know I have to get my own info on that one. I just turn here for emotional support. I basically feel like I am living in limbo, but have to have faith that I will know what to do when the time comes.
I am SO glad I started filing taxes a married filing separately. What happens if he doesn't pay his income taxes? Anybody know? He told me if he paid the real estate taxes he wouldn't have money to pay the IRS.
yea kitty knows what she is up against as far as legal separation. the issue with that is she has to leave the house and leave away from him isnt it 6mos? if she can do tht she should just start over on her own. unfortunately i think dear kitty you are only seeing theicing on the cake and soon the entire scene with paying everything is going to fall in your lap. better check the utilities see theyre paid, if he has no money for gas not a good sign bills are being paid and the essentials for living, gas/water/electric dont waste time to cut off services. the reconnent fees are high. i bet you will find 'last notices' in his drawer..with regards to the IRS well, they are the highest authoritative branch we have, they can do ANYTHING they want. when you dont pay personal tax they dont seize your home perse first thing, they come with a locksmith and take the front door off and take everything inside-and i mean anything and everything. they come with a moving van and just loadup while you are there or gone-- doesnt matter. in my opinion AND my then atty DH-- they are the most abusive agency we have- barnone -they have authority to do anything the agent in charge wants. so beware, they give little notice and want to scare folks silly. reform -i doubt it. my opinion is if you are owing, you should call IRS and work out a pay plan,( with high interest and penalties of course taxt on of course while you pay) but at least they wont be able to move on your personal stuff unless youu default -i say this because we personally went thru this but in our case it was 3moving vans. not something you want to mess with for sure. take care of it before it escalates kitty. divvi
WOW!!! I'm at work now, but before I left I started to google IRS & found a site, but didn't have time to navigate it.
The utilities never ocurred to me. How dense can I be? (I used to pay them all, until he turned the heat down so low & told me to wear layers & a cap! He'd sit in his office with that stupid cap on. I mean, I was paying, why can't I be warm? THEY WERE IN MY NAME & I HAD THEM CHANGED TO HIS.) He still sets it at 61, but I override it, which only lasts an hour.
Here I am thinking I am safe, because I paid my taxes, but had no idea they could come & seize your belongings. That means they would take my stuff too.
I did get a bit of "good news" before work. He told me he had called about his checks and they told him they had put one in the mail yesterday, that someone that handled that had quit, so they were behind.
Time for another talk with him. Armed with this information, I will get serious with him like I did for real estate taxes. He can at least file for an extension. He is making me a nervous wreck with all this.
He went to the dentist yesterday, I assume for a check up/cleaning. He hasn't complained about anything. I'll have to ask. Why would you spend money on a cleaning when you can't buy groceries or put gas in your car. Doesn't add up. Maybe I am being had?
Thanks so very much divvi. I got saved from having the law firm take over collections on the real estate taxes, maybe I can save my stuff from the IRS.
...and as for me, I still don't 'get it', --- you are with him for "emotional support"... whaaaat?
and, I can truly understand you just keeping the status quo, ... not rocking the boat..(or turning it over, since it is already rocking)... Maybe you don't need advice....you seem to have a handle on a zillion things you could/should do... I think you just need us to be here to listen, to let you put your thoughts and worries into words and get them out of your head. and..we are here... That's what we do best. Take care of yourself. If you get sick, then what?
Why don't you just call the IRS and ask the question about what they can/will do. Know that they won't do anything in the first calendar year...it usually takes until the second year of filing has passed before they begin their threats. But DO CALL them, tell them what the entire situation is, re: you filing separately, etc., ... Would tht protect your 50% of the household belongings, etc.? Seems like it would, but I definitely do not know about this stuff. If you file your returns promptly, the fact that you are a resident in the house shouldn't allow them to seize yoru personal belongings. That's the question to ask...and tell them you are asking a hypothetical question... that YOU HAVE FILED!!
OMG, I just re-read your earlier email and had thought you said you turned toHIM for emotional support. I'm so sorry. Need to read these posts a lot more slowly before I open my mouth (or move my fingertips0. I apologize profusely...I'm so sorry. I thought "you had lost it"...and instead, "it was me..who lost it". Not surprising...I'm probably teetering on the brink.
divvi, it sounds like you and your DH's opinions about IRS agents are the same as my Dad's (who was also an attorney). Mention IRS agent and he'd describe him as a "S.O.B with a little thin moustache who could just say that you owed money and it was up to you to prove that you didn't".
Have you all seen the TV commercials that tout a company's ability to reduce IRS liability by thousands of dollars. Every time that comes on, I wonder if it's even legal. A couple will say, "We owed the IRS $300,000 and we only had to pay $50,000...etc. etc.". The same with the companies that promise to reduce one's credit card debt. I imagine so many people are taken in by these ads and end up spending money to the illicit companies...and still owe money when it's all over. I wish there was a way these particular ads could be screened for truthfulness and legitimacy.
Kitty, this is an awful mess for you. Good thing you've got the divine Divvi, aka Sweetie, on your side. You need the wisdom of Solomon and the cunning of a s--- house rat.
Geez, Mary75, I took the last to be big compliments to Divvi! Wisdom is always greatly to be desired, and it is sometimes very useful to have the cunning of a s--- house rat. (-:
arent i the reverred one all of a sudden??? hahaha.. i am telling kitty of my OWN personal experience with the IRS. my DH went with his ATTY to setup a repay plan due to an oversite of nonpay (his tax atty died)to the irs. the little guy with the mustache was so dreadful well. dh told them they SHOOK hands that dh would pay all or at least half by thrus. they met on a monday. they came TUES morning to load our things up =my housekeeper was here and they shoved her outside by the pool and took the door off the hinges and began moving out 3floors of furnishinngs. antiques to boot and BROKE many many things. they literally dumped my china out of the buffet and broke every peice. that very day as they were finishing loading it all my DH showed up from out of town with a check in hand and they had to unload it all back that same day. DH was furious beyond belief. it was a huge fiasco- my DH did not get [permission: yes you need permission to SUE them back for breaking so many costly antiques. and left the house in such chaos. it was unbelievable. and friends this was after the irs man shook hands..never believe them ever if you know whats good for you..haha. so yes its my opinion they would come in and take everything period and- its up to you to prove differently which takes alot of time/energy. its just not worth it. now if i even SEE a letter with those letters on it, i freeze and panic..:) beyond belief what they put us thru..they are dreadful to deal with and the agents think they are gods. i am sure the irs is no different whereever you live..they want their money and they get it in the end. divvi
KItty, Sounds like so much going on, But I have to ask, Why is he still driving? It would lessen all the stress of car insurance, gas, and basically the worry that he is gonna get himself or someone else killed. Sorry, I don't know your Dh's issues, but just the fact that your here would tell me it's some type of dementia. Just from your first post, I think divvi is right about you may be getting near the time when you need to take over, making sure every thing you want payed is payed.
OK, Now I just have to say, 2 Taco's is emotional eating? I only wished! As for the amount of Taco's eaten by the guys in my life as well all the guys I have cooked countless taco's for. They all eat at least 6.
Home made tacos?? Always a minimum 4 each or 5 each. I never count how many each person eats, however, I always buy two boxes of taco shells when any of our kids are here... that's 24 shells. My German heritage comes through when I cook for my sons and my guests. Eat Eat Eat... the more the better.....always a high compliment for the cook!
heck, i can eat 6tacos just thinking about the IRS! :) i did snack a couple krispykreme donuts after writing that story! yeah comfort food! haha. divvi
LOL............divvi! I am sooooo with you on the taco's.
Nancy you need to fry your own shells. It's super easy and way better. Just get corn tortilla and fry up your meat then put a small dab of oil in a frying pan and lay a corn tortilla in there, let it get soft/pliable and spoon in meat on half, flip over the other half and fry both sides. When done put on a cookie sheet with paper towels to soak up any grease. Fill with cheese salt lightly, then when you have a batch put in the Oven on 350 for 5 to 10 minutes to heat back up and then serve with salsa and all the other yummy's that go along.
RK, I have lived in Texas most of my life and I cannot fry taco shells that are not greasy and soft in places. I adore the freshly fried taco shells and especially the "puff taco shells with queso" in good Mexican restaurants. They are NEVER greasy.
I make Tacos Mariscos which are softly cooked corn tortillas (that roll up) and are stuffed with shrimp, crabmeat n' stuff. (They are a popular item during the Fiesta in San Antonio each April)..
Just never count how many I eat. That's NOT NICE!!! :-)
Nancy B, not to worry, everyone makes mistakes. I just couldn't understand what you were talking about.
Rk, he is not at the point where he can't drive, not a danger to self or others. This is not an issue....yet.
Talk about getting off topic. I really got a laugh out of all the taco comments. Hey you guys, these were those BIG stand up tacos, not the little wimpy ones.
News.....a buyer came to see the house twice today. Husband called at work to give me a heads up that they would be coming at 6:30 for the second time. I asked if they had an agent, he didn't know. Now keep in mind, he had already shown the house once to these people, the wife wanted to buy it for her college bound daughter & rent out the bedrooms. So, I left work an hour early, people had told me nightmares at work about people who don't have agents using viewing houses to steal your stuff. Got home, (he told me the showing was at 6:30) at 6:20, no one here. In he walks at 6:30, the people behind him, (a coincidence, they just saw him coming in had been to a restaurant to have drinks.) BUT they have already seen the house at 5:30, because she is an AGENT & he had given her the code to the lock box. HUH? He doesn't remember a damn thing. Grrrrrrrrrrr.
Anyhow, they are definitely going to make an offer on the house. I told him in no uncertain terms, I was not going to move out prior to closing/been there, done that. He said, o.k., 3 days after the closing. He has no idea the work I went through to find a place for us to live the last time I went through this. He mentioned that all that had to be done was an inspection. I told him the inspection was what made the last 2 offers fall through.
It is sad when I look back on it. He wanted me to cut out fish & do a mosaic in glass tiles for the bathroom. That was hours of work. Then the rose bushes my son has given me for Mother's day. All my landscaping. All the time to pick out this & that. All gone.
We'll see, but I gave the woman my email address & told her to copy me anything that went to my husband. I have to keep on top of this and everything else.
I really have to laugh at/with you all when you go off topic. Here I was, so upset, and then I read about the tacos & got a good laugh. You all are wonderful. I think the way we meander is therapeutic.
Oh divvi, I meant to comment on your post! That is the most horrible story I've ever heard. I've been put on notice now, that if I don't stay on top of things, REALLY BAD THINGS CAN HAPPEN. I guess I will have to make a list of all to look out for. My world has been turned upside down. Keep in mind, I thought we had a comfortable retirement coming, thought he had long term investments, felt secure, then he announced he was out of money & was going to put the house on the market. BUT, I still feel positive. I am lucky to have good health. (So many, practically all, at work have very bad health problems & they are younger than I am.) I am lucky to have my wonderful son. I am lucky to have a job in this economy, much less one I like. I am lucky to have very good friends. I am lucky to have this site, which allows me to vent & not be a burden to my friends, who would be compassionate, but would not understand the way you all do. I am blessed. I have a lot more than a lot of people and I am grateful.
Kitty, you say he's not at that point. He's been diagnosed? If so I think you need to check with your insurance. If they find out that he's been diagnosed and continues to drive they will not insure him. That's not adding the fact that if and when he's in an accident, and some searching is done on the behalf of the people involved in the accident with him and they find out that he's had a diagnosis they can come back on your assets. The way it was explained to me was, now that our LO's have been diagnosed, it would be just like a bartender/bar owner letting a patron who's been drinking in their bar take off and drive out of the parking lot. They would be held accountable for allowing the drunk to drive away. Just as we could be held accountable for letting our LO's drive. We know that they have a brain disease which effects their ability to function, Sorry to give you yet another thing to worry about. But it's now at the point to C.Y.A...................Rk
By the way this was told to me by the Alzheimer's Ass. as well as the Nero Doctor.
Rk, He thinks he is fine, and has refused to see a doctor about it. Thanks for your input. He has not been diagnosed, and at this point it's not important. There is no drug like Aricept that help brain cells destroyed by radiation. I think I would know if he were to become a danger to himself or others.
Hi Kitty, I know you're overwhelmed with the various issues you're having at this time, but please take time to look through bills, etc. and ensure they are paid. Before my DH was diagnosed, he always paid all the bills. One day I happened to open a gas bill only to find out it hadn't been paid in 2 months. I then started going through bills and found that our credit line with one credit card dropped from $20,000 to $500 because he was delinquent for 3 months in a row. We've had very few accounts, credit cards, etc in both names, yet AMEX called me and told me I was responsible for paying his outstanding bill because somewhere along the line he had authorized me to charge on his card, yet I never had a card and never made any charges. Protect yourself now before he destroys both of your credit ratings.
Regarding danger to self/others - you just never know. DH was driving, independent, etc when one Sunday he went to grocery store to buy ice cream and never returned. 14 hours later (4 am) I got a call from state police to come get him - he was over 90 miles away. It happens suddenly.
Kitty, did he have brain cancer? How did the radiation affect his brain. (Odd, since so many people have radiation and are just fine today.) I understand you have said that he does NOT have dementia or Alzheimer's Disease, isn't that correct.
Nancy, Kitty's husband had small cell lung cancer. It's a very aggressive cancer that can spread quickly. They do chemo first, and if the patient responds well to the chemo, then they do a "whole brain" irradiation, in an attempt to kill any cancerous cells that may have spread there. It's a very different procedure from the targeted radiation surgery that is used to kill a brain tumor.
Thank you. I have never heard of that before. ..and that causes "dementia"??? mmmm? Odd. Just wanted to facts to be known by all here..so we can ALL understand what occurred. --!!
I have heard that if you have a joint checking account that the credit card company will come after both even if the spouce had a credit card in their name. I was told to take my name off the checking account and to open my own.
Nancy, we talked about several things that can cause dementia, including whole-brain radiation, quite a bit, but that was before you joined Spouse. I've brought two of the threads to the top for you:
Cancer Survivors Face Higher Dementia Risk
and
Does Heart Disease/Surgery reduce mental acuity FYI
Thanks all, especially Sunshyne, since now I believe she was the one who told me that whole brain radiation causes dementia. Yes, Nancy B, whole brain radiation does cause dementia, it is well documented. I have never said he doesn't have dementia, you are not correct. He does. I thought initially it was ALZ until I got straightened out by this group. The symptoms are so similar. I had called the AD hot line for info, went to the "other" site, & some angel brought me here.
He did not have brain cancer. He had non-small cell lung cancer which is so aggressive & likes to go to the brain, so they did prophylactic radiation to the brain to prevent it from going there.
My husband & I have never had a joint checking account, nor am I listed as a "user" on his credit card. I have my accounts, he has his. Same with credit cards.
I'm not going to debate the driving issue, until it becomes an issue. Thanks for your concern, but I will know if it becomes an issue.
He got an offer on the house, contract submitted. He will counter offer, the offer was too low, but I think they will work things out. I will have to supervise all that. I am so sorry to be leaving my home, but he has committed in writing a "contract" that he is to pay me $12,000 for the improvements I made, upon the sale of the house & HE REMEMBERS THIS & MENTIONED IT. 12k is a lot since it is tax free money!
I have been so busy, I have not had time to read or post. I went on a home visit design consultation this morning & came out w/ a sale of $10,400. I am now #1 in the showroom. One more day in the month & I hope I can hang on to that position. This is such a fun job. I look forward to going in. So, not only am I lucky to have a job in this economy, I have one that I really like & am successful at. :-) The client loved everything I pulled together for her. What a coincidence, her husband had leukemia, and also had whole brain radiation. She is starting to see the memory loss, etc. Oh my.
Well, I just wanted to thank all who posted & check in.
Good for you Kitty. You are probably the newest one at the company and already NUMBER ONE!!! That should prove to you how good you are at what you do. Another Steel Magnolia who has proved she can DO IT! Hip Hip Hooray! Nancy B
DITTO! It's time you felt good and your new job, and being #1, and selling the house - that's a home run!! It's time to celebrate! Give Katrina extra catnip tonight!