My favorite mis-spell story was told for the truth by a gourd friend from MA. Her parents had made a vacation trip to Florida and brought souvenir tee shirts back for all of her four or five kids. When she protested that they shouldn't have been so extravagant, her father confided that the shirts had only cost him a buck apiece -- the lettering on the front said "SOUVENIR OF FLOPIDA".
Studies show that having a good laugh lowers stress and strenthens the immune system. Six year olds laugh about 300 times a day but adults only laugh between 15 and 100 times a day.... I wish I were a kid again...
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty .'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
Not a joke, but a very cute story. My hair stylist was sharing a story about another stylist little girl who is 5 years old. She and a friend also 5, decided they would have a lemonade stand...only they were going to sell coke & water. Her husband was on the roof, so he told them to go to the refrigerator & get their drinks. After awhile, he was thirsty, he thought he would buy something from the kids. To his surprise, they had 2 bottles of water, 2 cokes & 2 Bud Light, selling them for $.50 each. lol
Okay, dear friends all, what say let's lighten up with a few jokes and giggles?
We've been having lots of late afternoon thunderstorms lately, accompanied by lightning cracking all around us, which has reminded me of the story about the country woodpecker who moved into town. He kept urging his country cousin to come visit him in town -- bragging on how much better the city telephone poles were to peck on than the trees out in the country. Finally the country cousin took him up on the offer, arriving in town just as it was clouding up to storm, but decided to go ahead anyway and give one of the telephone poles a good peck before the rain started. As he drew his head back and let go with his first peck, a bolt of lightning split the pole in half, knocking both cousins to the ground. As the country cousin picked himself up off the ground, he exclaimed, "Damn! A feller just doesn't realize how hard his pecker is until he gets away from home!"
I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you untilnoon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
Cocktail lounge, Norway : LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok : DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi : TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel , Yugoslavia : THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel , Japan : YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome : LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. -Will Rogers
A senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, "Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you "He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. "I must be going nuts," he thought, "There's no one here." The voice then said, "Please, sir. Please help me." Again all he saw was the frog, looking straight at him. "Who said that?" he asked rather loudly. "I did, sir. I'm the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me." The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. "How can I help you?" he asked. "The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you." The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. "At my age," he said, "I'd rather have a talking frog."
three guys sittin in a bar one say theres a bar in Alaska,everytime you buy a drink the bar buys a drink,second guy say hell theres a bar in Wisconsin that will buy two for everyone you buy,third guy says hey theres a bar in Tenn they buy the first drink,the second drink an the third drink then they take ya in the back an ya get laid,wow the two friend s shout have you been there? No but my sister has he replies
This isn't really a "giggles and jokes" - but I thought it worthy of posting:
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain > > Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio > > > "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 > > lessons life taught me. > > It is the most-requested column I've ever written. > > My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the > > column once more:" > > > > 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. > > > > 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. > > > > 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. > > > > 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. > > Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. > > > > 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. > > > > 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. > > > > 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. > > > > 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. > > > > 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. > > > > 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. > > > > 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. > > > > 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. > > > > 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have > > no idea what their journey is all about. > > > > 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. > > > > 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But > > don't worry; God never blinks. > > > > 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. > > > > 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful. > > > > 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. > > > > 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. > > But the second one is up to you and no one else. > > > > 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, > > don't take no for an answer. > > > > 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear > > the fancy lingerie. Don't save them for a special > > occasion. Today is special. > > > > 22. Over-prepare, and then go with the flow. > > > > 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. > > > > 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. > > > > 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. > > > > 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, > > "In five years, will this matter?" > > > > 27. Always choose life. > > > > 28. Forgive everyone everything. > > > > 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. > > > > 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. > > > > 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. > > > > 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. > > > > 33. Believe in miracles. > > > > 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of > > anything you did or didn't do. > > > > 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it > > now. > > > > 36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young. > > > > 37. Your children get only one childhood. > > > > 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. > > > > 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. > > > > 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone > > else's, we'd grab ours back. > > > > 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you > > need. > > > > 42. The best is yet to come. > > > > 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. > > > > 44. Yield. > > > > 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. > > > Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves. > > >
Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.
One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.
I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out.. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn’t figure what to do with them and gave up.
That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.
Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa’s crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn’t that what they were invented for?
They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.
One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."
We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.
His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn’t called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that “dealing with an elder” despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son’s client’s changes and he had the signed documents in hand.
My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on theYakima River with us.
He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.
He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.
I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it‘s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . What do you see? What are you thinking . . . . when you're looking at me? A crabby old man, . ... . not very wise, Uncertain of habit .. . . .. . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food . . .. . . . . and makes no reply . When you say in a loud voice .. . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!' Who seems not to notice . . . the things that you do . And forever is losing . . . . .. . . . . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . .. . . . . .. . .. lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding. The long day to fill? Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . .. you're not looking at me .
I'll tell you who I am . As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will. I'm a small child of Ten .. . . . . . with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters . . . ... . . . . who love one another.
A young boy of Sixteen . with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon now . . . .. .. . . a lover he'll meet.. A groom soon at Twenty . my heart gives a leap. Remembering, the vows . . .. . . . that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . . . . I have young of my own. Who need me to guide . . . .. And a secure happy home. A man of Thirty . . . . .. . . . .. My young now grown fast, Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. . have grown and are gone, But my woman's beside me . . . . . . to see I don't mourn. At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee, Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . my wife is now dead. I look at the future ... . . . . . . . . shudder with dread.. For my young are all rearing . . . . . . young of their own. And I think of the years . . . and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. . . and nature is cruel. Tis jest to make old age . . . . look like a fool. The body, it crumbles . . . . . . . grace and vigor, depart. There is now a stone . . . . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . . a young guy still dwells, And now and again .. . .. . . . my battered heart swells. I remember the joys . . . .. . . . . I remember the pain. And I'm loving and living . . . . . .. .. . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . . . .. . gone too fast. And accept the stark fact . . . . . . that nothing can last. So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see. Not a crabby old man. Look closer . . .. . see ME!!
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria Found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, Than to drink water and be full of poop.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!
This reminds me of an experiment a biology teacher did for his class to demonstrate the evils of drinking alcohol. He had 2 glasses, one with water and one with vodka. He put a live worm in each glass. The one in vodka immediately died, while the one in water swam around. He asked the class what they had learned. One boy said: "I'll never drink water again!!"
A madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties 'May I help you sir? she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie , and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' The man replied, ' Ontario '. 'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .' 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritence.' The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain. 1. Death 2. Taxes and 3. Being screwed by a lawyer. =
Marsh - terrific. I love 7 and 6 oh and of course 22 and yeah 9 and 10 and 19. The one about the psyhic having to ask your name was on a church maquee not far from here. I needed a laugh or two or ten. thanks.
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn't 2... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4... I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5... Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7.... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 8... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9... I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing... 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes... 11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12... God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13... The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14... Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16... Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17... Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18... Procrastinate Now! 19... I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries with That? 20... A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21... A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23...They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24... He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25... A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music 28.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
Start everyday with a smile…and get it over with!!!
Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you??
Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down…. Are the ones that got you mad in the first place…
Just got this in an email...thought I would pass it on :)
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
While I was watching the movie "Penguins on Ice" I noticed there were no any dead penguins to be seen. I wondered what happened to them, and this is what my research revealed:
As the movie showed, penguins are a very ritualistic bird, and they live an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigal wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be roled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: . . . . . . . . . . "Freeze a jolly good fellow."