the town undertaker is prepareing the body of the town playboy,as he strips off the guys clothes he can't believe his eyes when he see's the guys manhood,in all the years he had done this he had never seen such a specimen,wanting to share such a sight with someone he snips it off an puts it in his briefcase an takes it home to show his wife,gets home calls his wife an opens the briefcase ,his wife looks inside an cries Oh my God Schwartz is dead an faints
FIRST DEGREE A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'
FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware '
SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'
OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY!
Briegull-- Sorry. Have to say though, I've known "Dumb Blondes" from several different ethnic persuasions. Some peoples' minds are more mysterious than our spouses' in how they work.LOL
Exactly, carosi! Dumb blondes are in many ethnic persuasions. In fact, my impatience with most message boards is the idiocy of some of the posters; and my fondness for this board is the lack of that idiocy. (have you ever googled a question and found its answer on Yahoo answers? The stupidity is colossal!)
And we can get into a whole discussion of generic-ethic jokes. Not the jokes, which are usually pretty offensive, but the fact that if you're in Texas, they're Texas Aggie jokes; in other places they're Polish jokes; here they're Portuguese jokes (really!) etc.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'
---Food For Thought Old Age, I decided, is a gift I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives i n my mirror (who looks like my father!), but I don't agonize over those things for long..
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon ?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old.. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever(In this life), but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.. (If I feel like it)
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART! MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat..
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
Well, there was also the one about another bubba who came into the doctor's office and announced that he wanted to see the doctor. When the receptionist asked him what he wanted to see the doctor about, he replied, "I want to see him about my d**k".
Mortified, the receptionist hustled him back into the hallway leading to the examination rooms and lectured him, "Look here, you don't have to came barging in here like that and embarass me and everyone in the waiting room with language like that! Now you go out this back door and come back in the front door again and when I ask what you want to see the doctor about you make up something like you want to see him about your ear, and then when you get in to see the doctor you can tell him what your problem really is."
So bubba dutifully went out the back door and came back in through the front door, and the following conversation ensued:
"Good morning, what can we do for you?"
"I'd like to see the doctor."
"Oh, and what would you like to see the doctor about?"
"I'd like to see him about my ear."
"Oh, and what sort of trouble are you having with your ear?"
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. A lot of money is tainted; 'taint yours and 'taint mine. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture; a jab well done.
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick .. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon..........You got nice house'
An Arkansas mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened? asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services...
---------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ---------------------------------------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' --------------------------- ------------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ---------------------------------------------------------- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. --------------------------------------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. --------------------------------------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ---------------------------------------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ---------------------------------------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.. They need all the help they can get. ---------------------------------------------------------- The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.' --------------------------------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.. --------------------------------------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. --------------------------------------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------- ------------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --------------------------------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. --------------------------------------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. --------------------------------------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow. ------------------------------------------------ --------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ----------------------------------- ------ ----------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --------------------------------------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 1020AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. ---------------------------------------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. --------------------------------------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ------------------------------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance. ---------------------------------------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge...Up Yours'
How many do you remember?? Most are no longer published. No fair Googling!
1. Our Boarding House/Major Hoople 2. Terry and the Pirates 3. Steve Cannon 4. Alley Oop 5. Mary Worth 6. Winnie Winkle 7. Rex Morgan M. D. 8. Pogo 9 Katzenjammeer Kids 10. The Captain and the Kids 11. Dennis the Menace 12. Little Abner 13. Red Rider 14. Flash Gordon 15. Captain Easy 16. Steve Roper 17. Snuffy Smith 18. Prince Valiant 19. Krazy Kat 20. Pop-eye 21. Felix the Cat 22. Brenda Starr 23. Heckle & Jeckle 24. Moon Mullins 25 Dick Tracy 26. Broom-Hilda 27. Nancy 28. Shoe 29. Gasoline Alley 30. Andy Capp 31. Mark Trail 32. Apartment 3-G 33. Mandrake the Magician 34. The Little King 35. Marmaduke
Marmaduke is still around, and I recognized all those strips except for Captain Easy, Steve Roper, Heckle and Jeckle, Broom-Hilda, and Apartment 3-G -- those must not have appeared in our paper, because I still look forward to the comics every morning at breakfast.
A woman was having lunch with her 3 girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition... " Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
an Irishman goes to the local pub an they're having a contest to see who can come up with the best toast,Oreilly says he like to spend the rest of his life between his wifes legs,everyone thought that was a great toast an he wins,when he gets home he tells his wife Mary tonight I won a contest at the pub with the best toast,Aye she says an what was this toast,well Orielly says I said I would like to spend the rest of my life sitting next to you in church,Oh thats a wonderful toast his wife replied. A few days later she meets one of his drinking buddies on the street an he leers at her an asks did ya know that Oreilly won a contest for the toast he proposed at the pub,Aye she replies,but its strange he's only been there 4 times in the last two years an both times I had to pull his ear to get him to come
Duck Hunter: He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged.. Shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. " What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damge done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Forest Gump died and went to heaven. St. Peter told him that heaven was getting full so everyone had to take a quiz before they could enter. Forest agreed, so he was given these 3 questions and told to go think about them and return when he had the answers: 1) How many days of the week begin with "T"? 2) How many seconds are there in a year? 3) What is God's first name?
After a couple of days Forest returned and said he was ready. So St. Peter asked him: How many days of the week begin with "T"? Forest replied: two, today and tomorrow. St. Peter said that wasn't exactly what he had in mind, but he would accept it. The St. Peter asked: How many seconds are there in a year? Forest replied; twelve. St. Peter was puzzled by this and asked how he came up with this answer. Forest replied: January second, February second, March second. St. Peter stopped him and said: Ok, I see where your're going. Now, what is God's first name. Forest said that was the easiest question. God's first name is Andy. St. Peter asked why he thought this was correct, so Forest said: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own. (this is from the Hymn "In the Garden" - And he walks with me, etc.)
At this St. Peter heaved a big sigh, and let him in.
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it. You will love this.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Smile, life is too short not to !! If this brightened your day Don't let it stop here Pass it on with a smile Keep spreading the Cheer. See you at the river.
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
In a London Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Outside a London second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a London conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world :
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco : THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a Calcutta Coffee House: PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes . As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.'
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use this.'
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, 'This is what you sent to help me?' But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, 'Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, 'Sure.'
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened She hugged the man and through her tears she said, 'Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.'
The man replied, 'Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.'
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, 'Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a professional!'
No wonder I feel like I am missing out on life...I regret that I am not part of that statistic....unless you change one oldtimer reading emails...make it two