I have read about "relationships" developing between residents; didn't actually think it would happen with my husband. I was asked to come in today for a meeting...turns out my husband (3 1/2 months into placement) has a mutual attraction with one of the residents. I knew they had a friendship. She is late 80's; he is 62. Hmmm. Went to see him after the meeting, they were sitting together when I came in...she was clearly upset that my showing up caused him to "abandon" her and wander over to me. He always recognizes me as someone he knows, but I doubt he generally knows I am his wife (sometimes I am his mom, sometimes just someone he knows). Anyone with experience?
Marge, i am so sorry. this would kill me but i do knowit happens. if you havent see the HBO movie, Away from Her with julie christie see it -it deals with this exact situation = i guess in a way i could accept it knowing he wasnt alone in confinement and had some affection shown him that he can relate to. isnt it strange. maybe she is his momma figure and he her son?? i know others who have placed thier spouses will give you more insight. divvi
We have discussed this topic quite a bit here. I cannot find all of the threads, but here is the link to the blog I wrote about Justice O'Connor. http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/Justiceoconnor.htm It is over a year old, so it will take a long time to load, because I haven't updated the ad links - please be patient with it, and it will load.
Here is the link to the discussion board topic on it:http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=94&page=1#Item_0
This is an excellent article on the subject - http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-11-20-alzheimers-relationships_N.htm
For similar articles, log onto my home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and click on the section on the left side that says "Articles of Interest". Look under the Love and Marriage topic.
When one has been dealing with AD for years, as I have, the person I lovingly care for is really not the same person I married. I feel like he is someone else. I don't believe I'd be anymore jealous of him than I'd be of a son who had his first crush on a young girl. I have no romantic feelings whatsoever for my LO, but I do love him. I guess I will just do my Scarlett O'Hara imitation and say, "I'll worry about that tomorrah".....
Not quite that serious but this is what happened to me last Monday. As usual, the mornings are horrible with DH. That morning was worse, the toothpaste (that I put on his toothbrush) was smeared around on his face. Then he couldn't remember how to put on his sox and I had to put them on for him. All this while I was trying to get ready for work. Then I dropped him off at day care. When I picked him up at 2:00 when I got off work, he was jitterbugging with one of the women like he was in a major dance contest. I was REALLY pissed off. Then coming home he comnplained about his legs hurting and could hardly get out of the car. It's hard to figure out how he can't remember a single thing in the morning and then dance up a storm in the afternoon. I was nice tho and didn't say a word to him about it. LOL
I would imagine "romance" is more prevalent then we think in NH and Day Care. As most of you know, there is quite a lot of interest in the opposite sex and they are still breathing. When someone pays attention and listens to them I imagine a lot of them get ideas. I remember my MIL talking about the residents in a "old folks home" she used to manage. How some of them would visit the other residents rooms and that was 30 years ago. I know it would bother me but I have no idea how I would handle it. We are in a rural area and we personally know owners, residents, employees at the NH I would choose and I know it would be an embarrassment.
Thanks to everyone for the input...I am still trying to process how I feel, having hardly recovered from the agony of placing him in the first place, and now this! Since the idea is still brand new to me, and I have no idea how long these "relationships" might generally last or the course it may take, I don't even know how I feel for sure.
This news was new to me yesterday...after hearing it from the administrator and nurse, I then went to visit my husband.What I learned in that one visit is this impacts more than just him and I; my mere presence upset his "girlfriend" and I was clearly the "other woman" in her mind. It also had one of the other residents upset as she associates me with my husband, and seemed to recognize that something was not quite right about them being together. In addition, one of the other wives there was upset that the staff should be doing something to halt it. My head is spinning thinking about it! I will visit tomorrow and see what happens next. Ugh. Today is my birthday, and yesterday's news has been a real downer for me.
By the way, we have been married 43 years (19 and 20 at the time) and with the exception of the past few rather crummy years, we had a terrific relationship. Just wasn't expecting this!
marge, my husband of 50 years is in a facility. After induring too many years of no relationship I would have a rather difficult time accepting that it is the disease rather than the person even though I know that is true. I hate the fact that you have to be beaten down by yet another bad event.
marge Happy Birthday! I know this part of our caregiver journey is hard, but please do remember it's the disease! I know you know that, and I know it's hard. But really the DH you married Loved You and if he was still in that body "whole" he still would. I know that this is yet another slap in our faces, but honestly its not him. So please don't let yet another segment of this disease destroy you! Does his friend have AD as well? That may explain the feeling in the air. Rk
Oh and as far as the staff doing something, you know it's soooooooooooo hard. They have enough going on as it is, that controlling that type of thing can could be an all shift project, as I am sure there are others that are going on as well. After high school I worked at a mental institution and there was a whole host of relationships going on. Heck, I was shocked, and I was 18 year old girl in the "70's so not much shocked me, but well there were times that even I was shocked. Rk
My husband resides in a memory care unit of only 16 residents. They all suffer some form of dementia. The current ratio is 7 men and 8 women (there is one opening). My husband is by far the youngest at 62 (EOAD). Interestingly, all 7 men are married and none of the women are (I think they have nearly all out-lived spouses).
You know, over the past 8 years I have "excused" rages, lack of empathy, and on and on...eventually, I will excuse this as well as I know you are right, it is the disease. Right this second it just feels like an enormous betrayal after all we have been through. and the lengths I have gone with research studies, trying to maintain his dignity and self-worth, and being supportive and understanding. I will get over it I am sure...I keep wondering why the bond we have shared for so long wasn't enough to prevent this, since it isn't inevitable that it will happen.
You know marge, I don't wonder if it's not that as women we feel the need to care for others ( I am sure that even though she has AD she hasn't still got that feeling) and Men for the most part feel the need to be cared for. In their confused little world they have just found each other. I know it feels like betrayal, but not in their world. As caregivers we work so hard to take care of our LO's with very little appreciation that yes this is just one more blow in the many that we face. But because their world is not what it was they don't realize the bond, Hell a lot of the time they don't even know us. I swear some days it feels like it's more about us, getting the shaft one more time. But honestly I think its about making us stronger. Please take the time to care for your self and let the world of AD be what it may, honestly we can't change it. We can only change our self's and how we let it affect us. Don't let it destroy you! Rk
Happy birthday Marge. Just experienced my first without my husband remembering.
If I were you, knowing he is not thinking straight & doesn't actually remember your relationship, I'd bless the "other" relationship as a means to "letting go." Be thankful for all of your good years together, many, many people never get that. I know it's very difficult, but he is not who he was. Otherwise, there would be no "girlfriend." I say love is letting them be as happy as they can be, and if this is giving him a feeling of contentment, then let it be. I know it will take a lot of adjusting to since you were married for so long, but better this than him being miserable. it will also allow you to begin exploring a life on your own, even if that is not by choice.
after having to deal with a mother an father being in "homes" for nearly 10 years I could tell many stories,my dad took a fancy to a black nurses aid an would always tell my mother that he was going marry her,he told his pastor that my mother was sleeping with young guys in the woods an she was going to have a baby(she was 91 at the time)my uncle had a girlfriend when he was in a "home" an she was always after him to get the car keys so they could leave,they were always packing a suitcase,it won't bother me in the least if my wife should have any interest in someone else cause God only knows she hasn't had any interest here,besides she's not the woman I married anymore so if it makes her happy good for her
Love you and your sense of understanding..ol don. I feel exactly the same way. Even my priest has repeatedly told me that he is no longer the man I married and I need to understand everything that fact encompasses.
My husband did have a "romance" going with another resident. It did not bother me. She was talking with him and listening to him and they had a great time together. He was happy. She knew I was his wife and was okay with that. The only time she floored me was when she asked me if it was okay if she kissed him sometimes. That one I did not have an answer for.
I must tell about my uncle an his girlfriend,they were both in late 80s an one time his daughter went to visit an they were packing the suitcase again an he had a pair of his lady's bloomers on his head,his daugther asked what they were doing an why the head was covered,he said as soon as he finds the dam keys for the car they would be going north an he didn't want to get his ears frost bit
ol don, your story about your uncle wearing his lady friends bloomers on his head sort of reminds me of a story I heard once about two drunks conversing in a bar about the drunkest they'd ever been. Drunk number one sheepishly admitted that he had been drunk enough once to kiss his wife on her belly button, and drunk number two came right back with, "Hell, I've been drunker than that!"