I am 53 years old and my husband is 59. He was diagnosed two years ago with Alzheimers. I naively thought I could handle this on my own because I am self-reliant by nature. I am now at my wits end. I am extremely depressed and stressed out. I have to work full time due to financial and insurance reasons. My husband has regressed quickly in some ways. He needs guidance from me for almost everything. Some days he needs help getting dressed. I have to remind him to shower. I've taken over all of our finances and all of the decision making. Yet he still gets out of the house while I'm at work and I still see flashes of the man I married 31 years ago. I feel like a zombie. I also feel like I am losing pieces of my heart little by little as I watch a very intelligent caring person turn into a self-centered, unhappy child. I know I'm rambling but I just needed to let my feelings out. Thanks for listening.
stresses - you are not alone. Lots of us on this site are here to help you through this. I don't think anyone can handle caretaking a AD spouse alone. We all need all the help and cheering we can get.
You are very young to be dealing with this and I feel your sorrow.
I am glad you posted tonight. I am lying here awake and looking for someone to talk to. Come back often.
Welcome to the group. So sorry you're at wits end, but I hope it helps a bit to know everyone here understands that well. Wow, your DH (husband) is young.
My DH wasn't diagnosed until he was in his upper 60's, but probably had signs as early as age 64 (or sooner). I always hear that the younger victims are the faster this disease seems to progress.
I too have always been pretty self reliant, and I find that people who've known me all my life say, "You've always been so strong. You, if anybody, can handle this." GRRRR! I hate that. Strong people get hurt too. We get sad. And we burn out.
Just a couple days ago I had to break down and put keyed deadbolts on all our doors because DH wanders out the door now. Sometimes getting days and nights mixed up too. The locks have afforded me some peace of mind that I can be in another area of the house, or while asleep at night I don't have to worry about him wandering out.
I'm not able to work outside the home. It's cost prohibitive. Gets very, very isolating and boring. Yet I couldn't imagine working at this point unless I had someone with my DH constantly.
Its also difficult to watch these guys who've always been smart, active, debonaire become 2 year olds.
stressed- It is unbearably hard to watch our loved ones lose themselves and move away from us. The emotional roller coaster seems non-stop at times. Everyone on this site is wonderful and will likely send you major cyber hugs tomorrow when the site is busier. I am also 53 and my husband is 58 and there are many others in their 50's as well. We can both find a lot of support here!! Welcome.
Welcome Stressed.. your name says it all. Like many of us here too without the name! glad you decided to join this group. its the only place to come and be part of a family that understands what its about to care for an AD spouse. yours is particularly young, and our hearts go out to you both. its a long tedious journey, but now you have us to hold your hand thru it all. lots of friendly folks here full of good vibes and help Divvi
I'm 53, my husband is 63, and he was diagnosed last spring with Lewy Body Dementia. He got disability retirement from his job and just recently was approved for social security disability, so that has helped with the financial and insurance issues. But I want to keep working--I need that escape. Luckily my job is close by and flexible. My husband is currently more competent than yours is, but when I get to the stage yours is at I'm hoping that I can hire a sitter for a reasonable cost (we live in a fairly rural area).
Do you have kids or parents either helpful or adding to the burden? Our kids are 15 and 18 but away at school. My husband's parents died long ago but my mother is in the early stages of Alzheimers (luckily another sister is closer and competent) and my husband's aunt lives nearby and is our responsibility. She's our current crisis (see fractured pelvis thread).
I'm taking a supplement that helps depression and thinking about whether I need an antidepressant. I'm still hoping that there is a way to find meaning in this instead of just enduring it as a miserable situation. But I don't have any loving desire to care for my husband--this is too much just a magnification of long-term frustrations.
As Susan mentioned above, I'm sending a big cyber (((((hug)))) your way. This is a great place to learn more about what you're dealing with, and to vent when you need to. Stick around, others will be along to welcome you.
stressed, I'm new to this site too, drawn perhaps for a place to vent in good (and understanding) company. After the morning I've just spent, I could "vent" all day and have logged on just to calm down. We live on a rural property that has loads of charm (18th cent farmhouse, etc) but is in many respects a handyman special. The water pump froze this AM and DH is down in the barn fixing it, something he has done for 30 years. I find him with electric heaters running in a puddle of water and a heat gun melting a plastic knob on a valve switch. I hit the ceiling! The end result is we got the pipe thawed out but my nerves are shot. Mr self-sufficient fix-it becomes a problem as his memory disappears. Hard to watch. Please know you are not alone. Every day seems to bring a new challenge. I'm learning to roll with the punches but it's not easy.
Teri T, Welcome aboard. You've found yourself a comforting place to hunker down while dealing with the AD devil. Some of the "dirty dozen," as well as others, will be chiming in shortly to greet you.
Stressed- I was about your age when my husband was diagnosed. I too thought I was self reliant and strong enough to do it alone. Not so! First, make an appointment with your doctor and tell him everything about how you feel and what your DH is doing. There is no shame in taking an antidepressant if your dr. deems it necessary. Just remember, it takes awhile for full effects to kick in. Also, check for local adult day care centers. The one I used for 3 years only costs $60 a day and that includes lunch. Plus they provide one free saturday per quarter. It was truly a godsend. I have since placed him in a memory care unit, but am considering bringing him home for financial reasons.Please take care of yourself in these early stages so you can be ready to deal with what is to come - not necessarily worse things, just always different things. My prayers are with you.
Another welcome, Stressed, and another cyber hug {{{{Hug}}}} You're so young and this is so unfair. We're here to help each other. Glad you found this site. Joan is wonderful.
Hi Stressed. I'm one of the dirty dozen (the cracked egg one). We seem to be the regular posters-but we have as much to learn from you as you do from us. It is truly on of life's greatest tragedies when we are helplessly watching our loved ones fade away. We flail like moths to a light at first. Soon we realize that the disease is no one's fault. Couldn't have changed a thing if treatment had started earlier. You will hear from well meaning people (not us) that it is the disease, not the person who is acting out. Bull shit-you have the right to be angry about the aweful things happening. Scream to us-its ok. Nora in Florida
Hi Stressed. Sorry you had to come to this site but everyone here is very helpful. My husband has FTD and is 59. I'm 50. I take an anti-depressant and have found that it does help. If your doctor feels it would help you, take it.
Stressed----welcome from me too, although sorry you have to be here. I was almost 50 when my husband was diagnosed three years ago next week. He was 53 and is now 56. For almost two years he was pretty stable, in fact, somewhat improved because he was able to retire and that reduced his stress and improved his attitude, but he has declined a lot since last January. So, for two years my daughter still at home(fortunately, she could drive by then) and I pretty much did everything ourselves, but last spring I realized I needed help. I too work, for financial and insurance issues, as well as my sanity! I started out hiring a parttime male grad student(social work---he was studying AD!) who drove my husband around, took him to lunch, etc. When he got too busy at school, I hired a parttime caregiver who comes every afternoon, runs errands WITH my husband and cooks dinner for our family, so I don't have to rush home from work and do that! Hiring her was such a relief to me....sadly, my husband is continuing to decline and may need fulltime help soon....interestingly, he can still do most of the "activities of daily living" but his judgment is getting worse and worse! So I'm working out a short leave of absence with my employer----which means I still have medical insurance----until I figure out exactly how much care he needs. I will look into local day care centers. Also, are you in a face-to-face support group? I'm in two, including one just for spouses of early-onset, and between those support groups AND my parttime caregiver I actually have cut back on my therapists visits( I went WEEKLY right after my husband was diagnosed, but worth every penny)---AND according to my therapist, I have put off using antidepressants, although I am ready and willing to do so when the time comes. Bottom line, don't be embarrassed to ask for help----we all need it to survive. And this site is so wonderful, has answers before you even know you have the questions! Best of luck to you---and your analysis of the "self-centered" child describes my husband perfectly---although he is mostly "happy" probably due to the Zoloff!
Hi Stressed, My husband & I are both in our 50's also. Not what I expected from retirement. I am sorry you need this group, however, I am sure you will find everyone kind, helpful & not judgmental, which makes it easy to vent whenever needed, even if it is everyday. I also finally spoke to my doctor about something to take the edge off...she ask me what took me so long.
Texasmom, I am sorry to here that your husband is declining quickly. It's bad enough you have to deal with all the emotional stress that goes along with this ugly disease, but money issues another biggie. It's very expensive to find affordable care....and it you own anything it seems the social services take it all and it's a double hit....lose of a dearly loved spouse and loss of all the two of you saved and worked for down the drain. Surely that shouldn't be the case, but it appears to be. Just to have a person come into my house to watch my husband take is meds while I am gone (he can drive, cook, ect.)----just 5 minutes worth is $45.00 an hour. yikes....anyone have any ideas on this...no I have no family (nor he) in the area, neighbors are snowbirds in FL. and don't want to burden anyone else....s Thank God for Zoloff......it's a big difference isn't it?
jules, My doctor prescribed Fluoxetine HCL 10 mg. I don't tolerate medication very well, even told the doctor that I didn't want to feel loopy. I have had no side effects. I still get stressed, however, it seems I can handle things now, when before I was screaming or wanting to run away. I am glad I finally ask.
Kadee, thanks for the info. I was hoping for something to take only now and then like Xanax or perhaps something that would help me sleep. I guess I'm still fighting taking something daily. I don't know why, I would probably live longer. Lately my blood pressure is up and I feel like I can't breath enough air. I have had a severe anxiety attack before and recognize it. Don't know what to do about it though. Probably more exercise and drink more water. That's what my mother always says, it's a cure all for everything.
Jules, You are welcome. I fought myself for the last 2 years not to take medication, then finally decided I needed something. I was eating rolaids like candy. As I said, I do not tolerate medication so I was really fearful, however, I felt no different when I started the medication, other than now I can handle things without feeling so anxious.
Lullie----I paid the grad student $18/hr. and now I pay the parttime caregiver $17/hr., but she doesn't do any personal care or medications (although she has for prior AD patients she has worked for) I found both of them through a long-term consultant. Fortunately, my husband had some long term disability coverage at his job, but it's still pricey, and once my youngest daughter goes to college next fall, we will downsize (well, we plan to but the economy may not help!) to cut costs. We had a fabulous speaker at our young-onset spouse support group last week talking about medicaid planning....it was fascinating. I don't think we're quite there yet, but it was very good information to have. My therapist told me he thought I could do without meds until I had trouble sleeping, and I was actually fine until the last few weeks, but maybe that's just post-Christmas blues. I'm going to give it a week or so more, and if I'm still having trouble, I'll call him. And yes, my husband has done well on zoloff. His original psychiatrist had him on something else which wound him up too much, but now he's on a low does of Lithium (apparently the AD has caused borderline bipolar symptoms!) and the zoloff, also low dose, and he's happy happy happy!
$45 sounds awfully high, Lullie. I'm in New England and CNAs are $18 through an agency an hour.. you may have to pay for more than one hour, though, at a minimum. Might as well let her do the vacuuming, etc, too... The ALzheimer's association locally may help you find a cheaper agency. You certainly don't need an RN.
And you really must talk to an eldercare lawyer about how to protect your assets.
Talk to the Agency on Ageing in your area too. They may have or know of programs that will get you or connect you to services at less cost or sliding fee scale.
Today has been kind of a downer and much more of this and I'm going to have some kind of a meltdown.
We raised a son with special needs. He is a right-sided hemiplegic and physically does very well. He had an excellent orthopedist and he had various corrective surgeries throughout his growing up years. As a result, his legs are only 1/4 difference in length and only has a slight limp. His right hand and arm work well as an assist but he has no real dexterity in his hand. Like I said, physically he does quite well.
When he was 12 years old he developed a seizure disorder. It was treated and, again, he did quite well. There were some emotional outbursts but all-in-all he seemed to be a pretty well-rounded kid and his drs were well pleased with his progress.
His grade point was a steady 2.9. We encouraged him to do extra credit, etc to boost it up over 3.0 but his comment was that the 3.0 was more for us than for him and he was satisfied with a 2.9. Same in college. Sigh.
When he was 16 he became depressed and had plenty of treatment but the depression got worse. He was eventually hospitalized and was given a clean bill of health. NOT TRUE. His disposition and temprement were terrible. They still are. He's 49 years old and absolutely impossible to deal with. He reads insults into everything you say or do. He blames me for what happened when he was an adolescent and he rants and raves on and on.
I'm exhausted. Between DH not remembering what a hammer is for or how to hang a picture and our son going off screaming and having fits at me. He has never married THANK GOD!! I would feel so sorry for any woman that he married.
I'm scared he's going to lose his job if this keeps up. When he was working for the government (12 years) they wouldn't fire him but they sure did put him in a no-where job. He was furious. He is so paranoid. Thinks everything you say is a put down, etc.
I've gone back over his childhood and honestly can't think of anything major that I did that would cause this. He says it's because I put him in the hosopital but I had to do that. He was throwing furniture, pulling the phone out of the wall, running up the street in his underwear, jumping in front of a truck....
Like I said--I'm exhausted tonight. I wonder if he could have EOAD. And if he does, what do I do about it?
>>pamsc says: But I don't have any loving desire to care for my husband--this is too much just a magnification of long-term frustrations.>>
I am glad to hear someone say this because this is how I feel. I have put up with so much negative over the years with him, being his 'nursemaid' if this progresses to Alzheimer is something I don't want to do. I thought we had been through the worse in illness, worse in finances, but I guess not.
Mawzy - let yourself off the hook with your son. You did what you needed to do for him. You can't do anymore. Blaming you is allowing him to not take responsibility for his own actions. I would go as far as finding him other living arrangements. There must be group homes, half-way houses, or somewhere like that he can go to if he can't live on his own. For your mental health, you need to get him out.
My daughter is a very angry person. She refuses counseling, has learning disabilities too and has made many bad choices in her 13 years of adult life. WE have very little contact with her. In fact, when told about her dad she was in denial and went off about her miserable life. I use to say I love her, but do not like her. I can't even say that anymore. She has said so many nasty things to me/us the last 15+ years, we are much better having her not in our life. I miss her youngest son who just turned 3, but that is the price for a lot less stress.
Mawzy, I'm so sorry you are going thru all of this now...dealing with one huge problem is more than enough..two is that too many. No help,but wishes and healing thoughts are going your way.
Mawzy I don't know how you stand having the son around all the time and then on top of the AD husband. I agree it would be better for him to be in a group home, but I don't know how you would go about it. Sounds like a lot to take on but keeping him with you is a lot to do. I would definetly say he has some mental problems and it would be good if you could get him tested. He desperatly needs to continue working if he is able.
Oh, I need to clarify. Son does not live with us. THANK GOD! I personally took care of that a looooong time ago. IOn the advice of his counsellor, I told him it was time for him to find his own place and he did. He does come over and does that but tonight it was on the phone. Fortunately, this time, he ended the call. I told him to call me when he was feeling better. He closed by telling me that I thought I was so smart etc. etc.
He does have emotional/mental problems. Many people have noticed it and I still get calls from people he knows asking me if he needs help and what am I going to do. What can I do? He's 49 years old and acting like a spoiled 10 year old. He can't help it. And whatever are his issues, they come and they go. But, they are getting more frequent.
He has a very nice job and has excellent attendance and performance ratings. He loves his work and the people he works with but he is so volitile now I'm afraid if someone kids him or teases him in any way he'll go off. He gets very profane and ugly talking. Shouting and making wild gestures. He's really scary.
CharlotteE responded: <<>>pamsc says: But I don't have any loving desire to care for my husband--this is too much just a magnification of long-term frustrations.>>
I am glad to hear someone say this because this is how I feel. I have put up with so much negative over the years with him, being his 'nursemaid' if this progresses to Alzheimer is something I don't want to do. I thought we had been through the worse in illness, worse in finances, but I guess not. >>
I feel stuck because my husband doesn't have any family except an aunt in a nursing home and a brother he is estranged from. Our children are 15 and 18, so if I leave him or place him while he is still able to communicate a terrible emotional burden would fall on them. And my husband has said he will kill himself if I decide to place him, and has been hoarding pills (he doesn't want me to take over his medicine and we aren't quite to the point where I need to).
My plan is to move back to a smaller house we own, where the lower level can be fixed up to be handicapped accessible space (walkin from a carport with no step). The lower level would be his space and the main floor would be my space. He would have three rooms and bath, with a partial kitchen. I will have to spend a lot of time with him when he is in the needy stage, but when he has a paid caregiver I will have my privacy. We live in a fairly rural area so I'm hoping the cost of sitters will be lower than the cost of placing him.
He has agreed to this plan. He doesn't like the idea but I tell him that we will get along better when I'm not so frustrated with his chaos. When I clean up an area he starts piling his stuff there. And he accepts my need to sleep separately because of his loud nightmares (REM sleep behavior disorder).
Mawsy, so sorry your son is ranting. like the others say you dont need this on top of AD. it sounds suspicious all the raging though. maybe at some point he would be willing to see a neuro =regardless of his predicament, i wouldnt put up with verbal abuse or his rants. dont allow him to use the guilt trip on you, you have been a good mother and devoted wife. my best, Divvi
As I read these comments I realize how lucky I am. My wife and I had a wonderful married life - now over 54 years. I frequently commented that we were so happy together that we would have to pay for it at some time. I didn't count on this horrible disease as our pay-back. I feel I have to do anything I can to make her happy. Fortunately she is relatively easy to care for - no outburst or anger, usually does what I ask with no, or minimal, objection. She still likes to hug and kiss, and frequently says that she wants me to be happy. Sleeping is no problem. We both go to bed at the same time - around 10:00 PM. I have to get her up in the morning. I don't know how long she would stay in bed if I didn't. She makes no effort to help me with any of the household chores, so I don't have that problem. Since she is very willing, even eager, to go to the Adult Day Care I can get time for myself.
Thank-you for all of your support. It is hard for me to find time to log-on without my husband standing behind me to see what I am doing. I am on an anti-depressant and so is my husband. It helps but I still get over-whelmed with the magnitude of everything I have to do and be responsible for. I try to find the positive in this but it gets harder. At first, we would both make light of his forgetfulness but that is getting harder to do. I have always been very tuned in to other people's feelings so when my husband has an angry outburst or has a pouting fit, it hits me in the stomach. I knew I was in trouble when I started having tightness in my chest. I had a stress test and an ultrasound of my heart on Friday. I won't know the results until tomorrow. I'm sure it is just stress but better to be safe. Thanks again.
CommentAuthorjojodancer CommentTime15 hours ago edit delete I have been visiting this site for some time now and it really helps to hear all of you tell your stories. I get so frustrated, angry, sad, and sometimes just so drained dealing with this horrible illness. I thought that I would be able to handle it all but I find that sometimes I would just like to run away and leave it all behind. My husband is/was a doctor and still thinks that he knows it all. Sadly, he has lost the capacity to comprehend what is happening and blames it all on his "age". He refuses to see a doctor since in his mind "He is the Doctor" At this stage, I really don't care if he sees one or not...I am tired of trying. The only reason for it now would be to give him something to calm him down..that to me is the biggest problem, the angry outbursts, complaints and just being unhappy. I understand the frustration he feels but the constant living with being down is sure getting to me. I really do try to keep up with my painting, walking, friends because it certainly helps...Sorry for going on and on and thanks for this site!
CommentAuthorCharlotteE CommentTime14 hours ago edit delete jojodancer - welcome. Feel free to vent. It is sad that he will not go to the doctor for help. I do hope you are going and letting your doctor know what is going on. Keep doing your own activities too. This ugly disease is no respecter of persons - doesn't care what they did in life.
Just had a thought - maybe if we could find a way to infect all the lifers in prison, the feds would speed up looking for a cure.
CommentAuthorlmohr CommentTime13 hours ago edit delete jojodancer - welcome to the site. It must be frustrating he won't go to the Doctor. I understand your feelings. I am glad you are going ahead with making a life for yourself.
Gourdchipper CommentTime12 hours ago edit delete Joydancer, does your husband have any former professional associates whose counsel he might be willing to accept? Might you be able to go behind his back (perfectly acceptable in dealing with this disease, as you'll learn with further reading on this site) and get one of them to meet socially with your husband and then volunteer some medical advice?
CommentAuthordivvi CommentTime4 hours ago edited edit delete welcome jojodancer. you have a place now to sound off anytime you like-thats what this forum is about, not liking living with AD! yes, my whole family is medical, including my son..remember alex baldwin, the 'god complex' -haha? well yes they tend to think they are beyond medical advise. do as GChipper suggested and get a collegue to check him out. Divvi
Sunshyne CommentTime3 hours ago edit delete jojo, hi, and welcome to our family.
Some people have been successful at getting a spouse to see a doctor by taking the spouse along on their own appointment. If the doctor is warned in advance about the situation, s/he may be able to talk enough with your husband to get a feel for what's going on with him, and help you figure out what to do.
I'm so very lucky that my husband trusted me enough to go to the doctor, take meds, and participate in studies and trials, even though he's never felt that he has problems...
Speaking of which ... if there are any AD research centers in your location, maybe you could get him interested in a study. Tell him he'd be one of the healthy controls. As a doctor, maybe he'd be interested in the medical side of it ... ?
DianeT CommentTime3 hours ago edit delete I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties jojodancer but we do welcome you. Your husband must have friends who are doctors. I don't know if this falls within the ethical question or not but have you considered talking with one of them about coming to your home and seeing him. Would he be willing to do this route?
Welcome to my website. You will find the comfort and support here that you have been looking for because we are all spouses and understand as no one else can.
Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and check the left side for all of the resources - there are many to help you. I suggest reading "Newly Diagnosed/New to this Website"; "Understanding the Dementia Experience"; and "Previous Blogs" first. If you scroll through the previous blog section, you will find many topics to which you can relate. Check the home page every day for news updates, timely information, and my daily blogs.
We hope you will post often - you will find that there is always someone who is going through or has been through whatever you are struggling with.
I know you posted under a new "venting" topic, but we already had one, so I moved all of those comments to this existing one. You can use the "search" tab at the top of this page to look through all of the topics we have covered, and can always post under any existing one. Or make up a new one if we don't have it.
Welcome Stressed and Jojodancer! Since you have already been welcomed by most of our group, I will only add my hugs and ask that you read some of our earlier posts, if you haven't already.
Mawzy, I really feel for you! I realize that your son is a special situation, and that you have had to deal with it all of this time, but still, he should think of him mother right now! I tend to go silent when I get mad at my kids. I'm always afraid I'll say something I will regret. I use Thumper's rule: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."
Those who have doctors as AD spouses - could it be possible that they KNOW they have AD and can't stand that their peers will know if they are officially diagnosed, so they don't want to be seen in their medical community? And there are old addages - A plumber's wife always has the stopped up sink - and the electrician's wife has lights that need new wiring - so maybe they are afraid of having their worst fears confirmed. Sunshyne had great advice to make an appointment with your doctor for you (having communicated with him that you need your husband diagosed but that he won't come in for himself and you need help) and asking your husband to go with you just in case he's needed.
Marsh, like you, we have had a wonderful marriage and I'll take care of him as long as I am able. We haven't seen any of the rages that others have. My husband has gone downhill very rapidly compared to most at this website. He's been very good for the most part, especially since I got the key-only deadbolt locks. <grin>
JoJo and stressed, the main thing to remember - only you can make you happy, and you have to strive to put yourself first so that you can do a good job of taking care of your spouses, whether or not they are still with you mentally. You have to have time alone, you have to have your friends, and you have to have your hobbies. You can not survive if you don't. You must not tdwell on the road ahead once you have made the necessary financial and legal preparations or you will drive yourself into a depression that meds won't help. Never doubt the end result of this insidious disease - just make preparations to take care of everything (we will have to from this point on for the rest of our life anyway- even though we would rather not have to do so)....then put it to the back of your mind and try to have enjoyable times in the here and now while dealing with all of the things they do that drive us crazy. (I realize it is easier said than done!)
That is my advice......if others agree, please let me know....if you don't, please let me know that as well!!!!!
Mawzy-- When I read your entry, your son's behaior rang some bell. When my DH was still working, he had a terrible time. I chalked it up to his always having been "tempermental" and ultra sensitive about his learning disabilities. It came to a point that the company directed him to mental health services they provided for employees. Things did not get better and he was referred to a Psychiatrist when he became suicidal. He was diagnosed and with medication was able to have a better life for a long time before his VaD showed up. His particular Dx is more common in men, and the highest percentage of onset is through the 20's but can show up in childhood and into later years than that. Paranoia, can't deal with groups, easy to anger (often over what most would consider minor things), etc.
Is there anyway to suggest he seek help? He obviously isn't happy this way.
Mary-it drags you down to have to do everything. So nice to have someone else say "lets go to a movie". We weren't meant to be alone. It is a couples world. But you are right-two don't have to die of the disease.
Marsh, it's my turn to echo your experiences this time -- our story parallels yours so very closely up to the point just over a year ago when Frances started experiencing serious balance/mobility problems, which have been increasingly limiting our ability to get out of the house and limiting her ability to get any real exercise. As you may imagine, this is a downward spiral sort of situation, and she just gets more and more feeble, and more and more sad and frustrated about being so dependent on me for assistance with everything she does. But no anger/hostility issues like many folks seem to be dealing with, and she's still perfectly compliant about taking pills or whatever I ask her to do. And still loving, with occasional flashes of humor.
Today, for the first time, I brought her wheelchair in from the porch and used it to transport her between the bed, recliner, dining table and bathroom -- and for a little while even out onto the back porch for a bit of mid-afternoon sun. And this evening when she insisted she was too tired to stand at the vanity and brush her teeth, I had to hold a basin so she could brush and rinse while sitting down. She's spent probably eighteen of the past twenty four hours in bed, and much of the remainder of the time dozing in her recliner. No interest in TV, although she does rouse a bit and sing along for awhile if we play a favorite CD.
So should I be grateful that I'm not having to worry about deadbolts, etc? I think not! The one thing that I AM really grateful about, however, is having our son here to spell me sometimes -- tomorrow he's staying home because of the MLK holiday and suggested that I take my widowed dear lady friend out to a movie and dinner, so I called and it's a done deal -- and I'm really looking forward to the change of scenery!
Mawzy, I think it must be some phase of the moon! My daughter - who DOES live with us and who usually is, at this point, very kind and helpful - had just HAD it. Mad at me, why didn't I put him in a nursing home, etc. Of course it turns out that her part-time supervisor had taken it out on her at work last night.. I said, well maybe someone took it out on HER the day before. But for a little while there, while she was ranting at me, I just started crying. One I can manage, but TWO of them!!!
She's adopted (at birth); her birth mother was one of five with serious depression; their father died of cirrhosis and the birth mother died of the same thing at a pretty young age. Our daughter's never drunk much or done drugs, but without paxil she'd have been lost to us long ago. WITH it, she's been a stable, dear, and loving daughter who has by choice never married or been interested in having kids, which, given her natural family history, I don't blame her for (maybe having two bossy brothers contributes too!). But she's starting to feel pressure about staying with him while I run out; he starts asking her to do things that are nonsense and she doesn't know how to respond. The reaction really is so different for a parent-child relationship, isn't it!
briegull, I am so sorry you are having 2 to contend with. Yes it is different between parent and child and spouses. She probally cannot stand much stress and when you are not there, she is responsible for her dad. I hope she can get herself under control. Thinking of you.