Hello, I am new to the board, am 43 and my DH is 56. He still has an interest in sex, but I don't. He started having ED before he was diagnosed, at first I thought the Viagra might have caused the dementia, but now I guess it is a symptom. I try to put him off, but eventually give in maybe once a month. I just feel like I am having sex with my child, not the man I married!! Help, how do you gals whose "husbands still want to have sex but you don't" handle it?? Should I just give in and give him mercy sex??? Cealis (sp?) is not cheap and I defintely don't enjoy the experience... :(
My husband started having ED at least 10 years ago. Viagra and Cealis did not help. I use to blame it on my weight, not pretty etc. but now I suspect it was an early sign. He has gotten better, but I don't know if it is the Prozac or galantamine. I have suspected depression for years but he always told the doctor he was fine. Now he wants it and I do too, but not if it is the disease talking. I want him to want me. I spent years turning off that desire and putting up a wall to the emotions for intimacy.
I wrote earlier, but will tell again. I gave in but we were both so out of shape and pooped out! Emotionally it brought back memories of in the 80s after his affair - it was not intimacy but trying to prove I could satisfy him better than her. It was pure, unhealthy sex and nothing else. I kind of felt that way - that we trying to have just sex and not intimacy. He feels guilty for what he is putting me through and I think he was just acting on that need to 'thank me' for what lies ahead.
By the way, he is 61 and has a diagnosis of amnesic MCI - not Alzheimer yet. As much as I don't want it to, I do believe due to family history it will progress.
I'm in the situation he wants it but I don't. I'm going to try saying I'm willing but only at a time convenient for me, not at the time he wants (mid afternoon).
All recent studies that I have read and every doctor at every conference I attend attest that "what is good for the heart is good for the brain". So it seems to follow if diabetes, high blood pressure, lack of exercise, and overweight are bad for the heart, and we know they all seem to lead to ED, then I guess those conditons do have something to do with developing dementia. Poor blood flow to the lower part of the body seems to occur first, and then later on, signs of dementia occur. Not everything I said is true for everyone with these conditions, but it seems to be a common thread here.
My advice to younger, healthy people - have as much sex as you can as often as you can, because you never know when it's all going to go away.
You are so right, My husband has had ED for at least 10 yrs. He's 85 now, and I'm 20 yrs younger so I was in my 50's. I've pretty much come to terms with it, but the earlier posts on this thread, about getting a Vibe, piqued my interest. Maybe make me a little more patient if I "get it all out"
hi me again i'm still frustratedspouse havnt been to target yet!! I cant have sex with my husband anymore not because he doesnt want to its because i dont.I feel like i have given up everything else for him this is the one thing i can keep for myself.... a part of myself that i dont have to sacrifice if i dont want to.my husband never ever pressured me into sex at any time of our marriage but since his AD he does it regularly, every day i get a sexual comment, i have a saying that the worst thing about AD is that they forget but the best thing about AD is that they forget... this is one of those times i dont mind that he forgets.
Hi frustratedspouse, I feel your pain, that is my situation too. I can't have sex with someone I feel is my child, who I can't communicate with much any more, etc. Not sure what the answer is tho!! I feel guilty if I don't do it, kind of grossed out if I do...
I was about to log and saw this thread. Ladies - I am SOOOO with you! For more than 6 months, my DH hasn't said anything about sex. I have been trying to find a solution for myself (sex with a stranger is simply out of the question). Then, out of the blue, he starts talking about wanting to have sex (I can't call it making love any more because, like you, I feel like he's my kid or a friend) and yesterday he came up behind me and started to play with my boobs while I was cooking! I can't help it ... it felt like a dirty old man was trying to feel me up. I did my best not to cringe, but I did inside. How did I get here? We have been married for 28 years and our sex life was really good. We had agreed early on that we would never be a "once a week" couple, that we would make love when we wanted while not feeling like we had to make love. My DH would never pressure me, nor would I pressure him. Making love was a beautiful thing - almost all the time (of course, there were times when I didn't "feel like it" and other times when it just wasn't good). My soul mate, my best friend, "my person" isn't there any more. To make matters worse, my DH has Peyronies Disease (crooked) and an enlarged prostrate. The last time we had sex, it wasn't good. I am scared to try because: (1) he might have ED; (2) he might forget what we're doing in the middle of it; or (3) it might just be awkward as hell (if he's fumbling around it wont be good for either of us on SO many levels). I keep relying on the forgetting thing.
you're response isn't too "out there." We all seem to be expressing the same sentiments for the most part. I felt for so long like either it was a dirty old man feeling me up.....or the other times like a child messing with me. Both made me cringe. When I successfully refused and redirected, eventually his over-interest waned, and I could finally breathe again.
When my husband had his affair years ago, after telling my pastor all I did for him, his comment was 'you can only make love to your mother for so long'. It was true - I was being a 'mother' in all I did for him. That was the hardest habit to break. Now, as time goes on I will have to go back to being his 'mother'.
Now it is: 'you can't make love to the child he/she has become'.
No Sharan your response was no way too "out there" we all seem to be experiencing the same responses.Whether it be from our spouses or us.I do the cringing thing a lot i feel terrible when i do but i cant help it.My DH is on new medication now & that seems to have killed the sex thing at the moment .Thank god for drugs I say, no guilt trips for now.( well not about sex anyway)
I was sexually abused by my grandfather and I am really afraid of my husband turning into a dirty old man. And I do find him unattractive because he reminds me of my grandfather.
One of the reasons spouses turn to this website is because they can discuss serious "taboo" subjects, such as sex and intimacy with dignity and respect, knowing that everyone here will understand. These subjects are often totally shunned and misunderstood on other forums. This particular thread is one in which many people are opening up their hearts as they have never been able to anywhere else. I want to encourage that, so I ask that we keep with that theme for this particular thread. Thank you.
Sharan, sometimes a thread dies for no reason anyone can understand. And sometimes someone needs a response and doesn't get it, just because. Nothing you said was out of line.
I agree with Starling. Your post was NOT out of line for this discussion. As a matter of fact, you touched on just about every sex/intimacy subject that spouses of AD patients suffer with - generally in silence. It is my opinion that although there probably are no good solutions to the problems, it is very important that we talk about it with each other, so we don't feel so isolated and guilty.
The above post that I wrote urging everyone to stay on topic for this thread was referring to the fact that I deleted a lot of the humorous banter, because it was going way off topic.
New Realm mentioned that she sometimes felt that it was a child messing with her. In a twist on that, many of the men of AD wives, have expressed that they feel that they are approaching a child, and so they back away.
Very, very complex and difficult subject. If you do "search" at the top of this page for topics under "sex", I think about 4 discussions will come up.
Lynn did not have any ED issues until the age of 75. Thinking at almost 77, he would at this point with or without AD. A blessing for me, was when his short term memory became nil to none. He would want sex, and I would say "again!! I am still tired from earlier" It built up his ego, and got me off the hook. acccck
Hello all, I've been reading this subject here. And everybody seems to feel like their husband is a child or an old man and I can understand feeling that way for sure. But that isn't the way I feel about Kathryn. I see her as being totally innocent. A little way back I read in one of the columns here that it made it easier for her to not get upset with her husband if she just remembered that he wasn’t doing things to cause problems or be hurtful but because he couldn’t help it. She said that no matter what he did she would just have to remind herself that he was inocent. That has stuck with me and that is how I now see Kathryn. I guess in a way it is the same thing as seeing them as a child because children are innocent.
When it come to sex the end result is the same. Kathryn and I have had a good sex life in the past. She doesn’t care for it as much as I did. But I think maybe that’s just nature’s way of slowing guys down a little. I don’t know. I am sure there were times when we both didn’t really feel like it but still did it because we cared about each other and sometime we do things we don’t really want to because we do care. Just as I am sure there were times we didn’t when we wanted to because the other didn’t want to. And that’s all OK.
Kathryn seems to want sex more now than was normal for her before. In my mind I think it is because of the ALZ. I’m not sure if it is, but that is the way I feel. While a lot of guys in the world might think that’s great I feel like it would be taking advantage of her (and I think a lot of the guys on here feel the same way). We hadn’t had sex for a while and the other night she wanted to, and she let me know she wanted to. She was playful and everything just like old times. But when we got in bed I could see there was something missing. I almost felt like having sex with her would be like raping her. Mentally, I just couldn’t do it. Physically I could have and I wanted to, but I couldn’t. It didn’t feel right.
I had a knee replacement about seven months ago and I told her it was hurting too much and she was OK with that and asked me what was on TV.
Evidently a good replacement. LOL
I miss the closness that comes with sex but I think our sex life is over and I can live with that. I think my knee will have to stay hurting for a long time. I felt really guilty making up an excuse too. I don’t think we have ever lied to each other before. I hated doing it.
JimB i am sorry it has come to this in your relationship. there are other men here who have posted some of your same feelings with regards to the sexual issues. the shoe is on the other foot here but i can totally relate to the idea of having sex with a mentally challenged AD spouse. its not something that stimulates the libido in a good way. the idea of sex with an innocent as you have named it is correct even for us women too. your love for your DW is evident in your posts and this will see you thru the harder times ahead. my best, Divvi
Thanks Divvi, I can live without the sex. It's fun but it's only one way of making love and not the only way. I make love to Kathryn when I dance with her in the kitchen, take her to a movie, hold her hand when we go for walks or just sit and watch TV together. I make love to her in all different ways. I don't think I will ever stop loving her not even when she is gone. The way I love her may be changing. I think I love her more like a sister or a child now than a wife. I hope I am explaining this right. I have never been good at putting on paper what I feel in my heart. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.
Jim, you are good at putting on paper what you feel in your heart! You are right in that some of the other men here are in agreement with you as well. Most AD patients seem to go through a period of wanting sex more than normal. The good part for those of us who understand that it is not our spouses wanting it but the Alzheimer's in them know that if we can redirect them, they'll forget for a while. After a few months, they stop trying for a while.
Jim, I totally get what you are saying, and saying it rather well, I might add. My situation is the opposite, whereas my DW thinks I am just some nice man taking care of her, and has regressed sexually to being a virgin again, and there is no way I can convince her that we've been married for 46 years. I have to beg, grovel, and try to convince her no one else is around and that its ok just to get maybe 10 seconds of boobie time a day. As far as doing anything else, its out of the question. Being celibate is no fun.