I thought I posted - but it seems to be gone. Once more... It is good your are having this discussion. Eventually most all will be like me - a spouse who has died and you will be alone. The only choice now is self pleasure - the sexual drive doesn't go away with a death certificate. So, any practice at self love you know now will be invaluable later. Good luck!
There are probably some people (meaning those who aren’t dealing with the issue themselves) who would think we are terrible for talking about things like this. I mean, our loved ones are sick and we’re supposed to be the superhuman caregiver—meaning requiring nothing for ourselves. On the other hand, let them go without sex for a year or two—or ten—and then see how they feel about the issue!
This website is for spouses. Spouses understand. I would venture a guess that if this topic was brought up on any other forum, you would be screamed off. As long as these subjects are approached with dignity and respect, I feel they are important to spouses and should be discussed.
FTD, Your question is a very valid one, yet I think it's different for each person and how they deal with it. As in the post- Adding a third person, that post being a little to weird for me. But if it works for someone who am I to say "what"...... LOL I don't know if I should say unfortunately or fortunately my Dh has not lost his "wants" he's just lost the or should I say slipped on his performance. I don't know which is worse, being without or suffering thru an un-fufilling intercourse. So I honestly can't answer your question. I don't know how I will approach it. Yet, I know that it is coming to an end.
Love the question and answers about the personal toy's. It was a great laugh, (I am sorry) cause I honestly thought everyone knew about them. I guess it's cause I am of the generation of free love that I know of them and have for most of my life or should I say at least since I was a teenager. You can purchase them in those weird Adult stores as well as online, if your up to walking in. I have with Dh and with friends (always on the pretense that we are looking for a Bachelorette Party gift ). They are strange places but you can see and touch them ( personal toy's)up close before buying. And just to set the record straight, they can be used as part of a couples pleasure, not just for personal pleasure. Rk
I'm a fan of "personal massager's". Always have been. You can pick one up at Target - Conair Touch and Tone Massager - MH11M
My DH is unhappy that I don't want an intimate relationship anymore. The last time made me cry because he just is not my husband/lover anymore. Even before I had to start helping him in the bathroom this disease made me lose that loving feeling.
Have at it,ladies -- according to Mark Twain, a woman's capacity for such pleasures is limitless, unlike man, who is limited to something like 5000 episodes in his entire lifetime. He makes the analogy of a candle and candleholder -- the candle being slowly consumed by its use, whereas the candleholder is none the worse from wear after repeated uses. If you haven't read his "Letters From The Earth", you really should -- it's a good read -- but be warned that it makes light of many of our cherished institutions. He is particularly incredulous that anyone could have conceived of a Heaven without sex -- the thing that earthly beings seemingly place above all else -- wars are fought over it, a billy goat will leap a ten foot fence to get it, etc. And hardly anyone at all likes to hear music played on a harp!
Please post jokes under the "Giggles and Jokes Continue" Discussion. I just moved "C"'s latest comment to that topic.
Thanks.
Hildann,
I read somewhere - it could have been on this forum - that absolutely nothing destroys intimate feelings like cleaning up after an incontinent spouse. You are not alone in your feelings.
Whoa, you all never fail to amaze me...what a great discussion, but Divvi ??? No comment from the most honest and even tempered one? Come on, make us smile.
Most honest and even tempered one???? are you kidding??? :)whaaaaat!!!!!..i put my keyboard under my chair every time i come to this particular post:) -nope, nada enchilada..no input from me on this one, yall did just fine without me -.dont get me started on this kathi or like you i wont stop ..heehehe...can yall believe i have NOT entered this conversation?? no, nuh-uh, cant make me do it...! Divvi
Good grief! I read the first few posts when this discussion was brought up but since our sex life had 4 years ago and ED had become an issue even before the dementia set in, I figured I wouldn't have much to contribute or much to learn, so I stopped reading them. Big mistake. My husband and I enjoyed sex toys together through the years and had a fantastic sex life. Unfortunately, menapause put a damper on my libido and I became one of those women who enjoyed the holding, cuddling and kissing more than the "act" and more unfortunately a sex toy can't give you that. For those who still need the physical release, I say go for it any way you can get it. For me, a few times a year my libido sneaks up on me and I have out of this world dream. Whatever works. Thanks for adding to my evenings entertainment.
this isn't exactly in response to the question posed here, but i wanted to add a very sweet story to this topic. When the movie "Sex and the City" came out, several of us from my book club went to see it. (My book club is what I call my original support group composed of 11 female neighbors, all 50 somethings, all happily married but some facing health crises ----including cancers in remission---but the AD facing my husband being the worst crisis right now.) Anyway, sitting behind us were 7 or 8 adorable older ladies---at first we thought in their 60s or 70s, but we learned later all in their 80s. They were impecably dressed, beautiful hair, and laughed and giggled throughout the movie. When we were walking out our group struck up a conversation with them. We learned they are all widows, they get together at least once a week, and one actually said as we were leaving "We don't have sex anymore, but we have the city and we have each other"..... We thought WOW--what an incredible attitude! Of course, after this discussion here , I want to call them up and ask them about sex toys, ha!ha!
What a vehicle for open communication this web site is! I am so glad the "V" subject has come up.
Our sex life has been next to nothing since the early 90's. That was when he started acted strange about everything - I think the AD was kicking in then. Of course, it was all my fault, I was old, ugly, fat and that I wasn't sexually attractive to him any more. I was ugly and told him to go look in the mirror. In his right mind he would have never said anything like that to me. I think he felt bad that he wasn't capable or interested with all the meds he is on. For ten years I tried everything under the sun thinking that "I" wasn't being interesting enough. Now, it is a dead issue between us. I have heard on some of the tv shows that you live longer with a regular sex life.
An aside. when we moved here they have lingerie shops with private showings. They are everywhere. I love beautiful lingerie and had never heard of these types of shops in other cities. I was planning to stop by and see if they had anything interesting. Needless to say, I found out what they really are - sex shops with live models. Not sure what they do in there, but I still laugh when I think of me being in my 60s then going in and being so naive. Who knows, maybe I would have learned something.
One of the hardest issues that I had to deal with in AD was the fact that my sex life was gone and never coming back and that I didn't have a choice in that decision. We had always had an active satisfying sex life. I was angry about it for a long while, still don't like it but have resigned myself to it. I am 71 now and I don't think that interest or ability will every leave me.
I think this has been a very refreshing topic for spouses of dementia. We smile and giggle, but I would venture to guess most everyone who is posting or lurking has gained from this thread.
Lulli - I am so sorry that you are having to endure the ugly side of AD. My husband started with MCI and for two years, he was the devil straight from Hell. He was not violent, but I was constantly in fear of what he might do as he was angry all the time. I found a way to make a small corner in my house my refuge - it has my computer and a twin bed and a door. I keep it stocked with snacks as well. I also bought those noise cancelling headphones and when he gets in his rant, I come in here and try to get in my own world listening to music from my IPOD. I wish I could tell you how to keep it from hurting but for me, it seems like time has helped that since he is on meds that help him have more stable moods - Namemda and Depakote. Leaving the house was not always a solution because it might be late at night - or if I left, he would take off and I wouldn't know where he was for days. I don't feel obligated to keep him company as he seems to prefer being alone. He likes to read and does that 24/7 - many times the same book. But he is nice again until...............
On Feb. 13th, 2008, a Texas federal appeals court ruled that the prohibition against selling dildos and fake vaginas violated the 14th Amendment.
That’s right. Such sex toys were illegal in Texas until early last year. According to a Slate article (http://www.slate.com/id/2185623/entry/2185627/nav/ais/), they are still illegal in three other states: Virginia, Mississippi, and Alabama.
But don’t congratulate or castigate Texas just yet. The state Attorney General wants the court to reconsider. For the video: http://contexts.org/socimages/2009/01/12/the-texas-dildo-war/
Dagma 3, Sounds like both our spouses are at about the same stage---stage 3....I also have my own refuge (here in the computer room)---while he reads or plays spider solaire hour after hour. My husband also does not wish to communicate with me ( he will gradly with others), and communicate well with them, but I am not privy to this......I am ignored daily....just basically a maid, cook, and the Boss Bitch! I would love to get into my car and drive or hours never to return, but then I would miss my dog! I am going on vacation alone for sometime and I can't wait. This will probably be the last time I can get away without making arrangements for an expensive caretaker.....yikes, where are you all getting the money or funds to have a companion so that you can get away for sanity!!!!!! Gosh, sanity......they lose their thinking ability and we lose our sanity. Lullie
I started this discussion on vibrators, sex toys etc., and all the comments have been extremely interesting. As I said, I was very naive. I'm not anymore on this subject. LOL
What I miss the most is the touching, hugging and kissing. When I see a couple hugging etc, I feel like crying and get I mad at this horrible disease because I don't have that anymore and probably never will.
Mary (redbud) - I still get the touching, hugging and kissing...from the two year old in my husband's body who doesn't remember I'm his wife, but he still enjoys the touching, hugging and kissing....even in late stage 6. I'm lucky to have this, I know.....I cherish these moments knowing that they are not going to last....
Lullie, no caregiver and no getting away either. Some of my neighbors managed to arrange for him to go to lunch with the guys so I could go to lunch with the gals a couple of times late last year. The last time was about a month ago. Outside of that I haven't been out of this house without him for months.
When I see a couple just walking down the street or loading groceries together I could cry. I am so weary of being alone. I'm forgetting what it feels like to fall asleep in my husband's arms. I'd even settle for his snoring.
And Lullie, Starling is still sane!!!! <grin> She has made a lot of adjustments in her life, and knows that this is temporary...and I am assuming that she is doing the best she can with her circumstances being what they are. Most of us are...
Sorry what I said about our sanity....what I meant to say (and poorly did) was that it's tested.....I hope you understand. It's hard not to have the companionship....hugging, kissing, and just a simple exchange of words....my husband can do this, but he choices not. It's lonely for us. I can't imagine you sweet Starling not out of the house for months with your husband. You are stronger than I....yes, I realize adjustments need to be made but damn this is a total lifesyle but an adjustment. Starling, may God bless you.
when we took the vows in sickness an in health noone could have forseen this terrible disease,our "other" half on that day is gone forever.......no what?
Yes, when we took those vows it was a pledge b-4 God to love them in sick and in health......I think they would do the same for us if the shoe was on the other foot..
Lullie ..... my husband was diagnosed in 2003 - I am his care giver 24/7/365 ..... I have NOT been anywhere without him, by my side, since 2003 ..... that is 5+ years .... I don't think there is any sainthood involved in this journey. We vowed 48 years ago *for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live.*
We've already conquered the better or worst part as well as the richer and poorer part; now we're at the sickness and health part and at some point in time we'll be at the *for as long as we both shall live* part and then it will all be over.
Yes, I’d love some respite and we do have a Son who visits every two weeks (and will come rushing to our aid if needed) but, during those visits we 3 always do something together as a family. Son helps as much as possible but I’m still here, still the guiding hand so to speak.
I’ve applied for some respite but am on a 5 – 6 month waiting list ….. who knows by the time it is granted I may no longer need it or I may not even know what to do with the respite time ……. this is the problem with outside care agencies …. they don’t seem to comprehend just how urgently respite help is needed by care givers ……… I’m just hoping to not become one of those *oh dear, I guess we should have granted some respite a little sooner* statistics.
Yes, if the shoes or slippers were on the other foot my husband would be doing the same for me.
Bar-Bra, I could have written what you just did! My DH was DX'd 2003 also; I've been caregiving 24/7/365 since. No family nearby. On my own. He is the love of my life - and I do get hugs, kisses and he tells me at least 10 times a day he loves me. He would be caring for me if I was the patient.
Hope your respite time comes sooner than you expect.
Conversation and laughter - the things that held me and Charlie together for 20 years. For better or worse, in sickness and in health - the things that will hold us together as long as God wills it. Oh, but I do miss the conversation and laughter.
I originally trained to be a Children's Librarian. Reading, literature, creative writing, all big with me. We married and my world expanded--fishing, hunting, camping, building tables and things, Black Powder shooting and Reenacting. And then I began caregiving in earnest when DH had a mental breakdown in March,1988. Between the mental illness and meds. all the physical closeness began disappearing. By 1990 it was gone. Luckily (?) it wasn't a real long time before menopause reduced my interest (not entirely, but a lot). Less and less with shared activities, conversation, hugs, kisses even until in 2006--Dx--VaD. This whole deal is a b---ch! With my own disability it is even more of a challenge to deal with all the 'nothing' here and the inability to get out for respite--to be around healthy people and do things not dementia/DH/household related. Most of the time any respite time I've had has been used to take care of my own medical issues. I did get to our family reunion this last summer--1st one in at least 5 years; and to my niece's wedding last November. Otherwise I cope with TV, reading (I'm in the book),going online, and lately I'm knitting again.
Just found out my brother and his son have roles in Fiddler on the Roof at a small Community Theatre the beginning of Feb. DH won't be able to deal with that at all, but I sure would like to go. You don't know what the logistics I will have to surmount to manage it are, but I'm going to try.
We made our promises 34.5 years ago, and as long as I can make it work, I will. I'm in the NOW (unfortunately) but am working on the future--short and long. Coming to AS is a huge help. I get a shot of conversation, laughter, and comiseration, which are just as important as the advice and information.
You're right carosi ...... the light conversation, laughter, giggles and commiserating with everyone does certainly help ...... not quite one on one but sure better than dead silence or talking to one's self :)
I do hope you're able to get to the play your brother and nephew are in .... that will be a breath of fresh air for you! Do you have a neighbor who might come to sit with your husband for a few hours so you can get away?
Vickie and Lullie ....... I'm hoping the respite will start sooner rather than later too ..... I'm going to phone the Health Care Unit tomorrow to remind them of my need and see if there is anything more promising on the horizon.
Oh my goodness...what fun....and to think I landed on this thread by searching first "depression" and "suicide" (I'm not suicidal but often feel a lack of desire to keep going.) But it was DANG DIFFICULT to stay in my low mood after reading Redbud's post.
DEAR MARY REDBUD: Like divvi I could go on and on. My friends used to tease me this was my favorite topic of conversation. Got my first one at Good Vibrations in San Francisco (now goodvibes.com) in my early 20s. BUT you might feel more comfortable getting yours at amazon. I recommend starting with the Wahl Coil - I've had the same type for 30 years. (you can work up to the Rabbit in a couple years - now that's an incentive to keep on keepin on!)
The Wahl 4120- 200 is only $15.31 at amazon. And hey looks like you can get a used one starting at $13.00! (you probably want to splurge for the extra 2 bucks in this case) WOW just learned you can get it with HEAT now for just $28.36 (or $28 used). Don't bother with anything battery operated except as backup (and you will want a back up for trips and power outages). I'm getting me the new heat one as soon as I can figure out how to credit Joan for my purchase.
One more tip: Keep an extension cord plugged in near your nightstand. Sometimes these urges are very fleeting and nothing kills the mood more than running around in the dark pulling open cupboard drawers.
I think my post on depression will wait a bit......
Oh, and for the hugging, touching, kissing. I have two adorably spoiled little Bichons. DH goes to bed with one and I with the other. They're not called "love dogs" for nothing.
terry - you are definetly on a better thread here than on "depression and suicide". That was too too funny. I am glad you are going for the "New" one versus the "used".
I have enjoyed reading all of your comments and suggestions inre this subject (problem). You have already listed most of my thoughts etc, regarding this, but, I do have one other wrinkle that I haven't seen expressed. I am 74 yrs old and until 3-4 yrs ago, our (my wife and I) sex life was wonderful, but, unbeknowenst to us, altzheimers was already happening and she was changing completely. No Sex. She couldn't be satisfied and it was my fault. So, rather than be critisized, I quit and she didn't mind.
During this time, I went to a counselor (friend of my wife) and she suggested that I look for satisfaction outside of our marriage. Sounded good at the moment. Thrilling - but after a little bit of sobering thought, I said no, I can't do that. I was not raised that way and I would be betraying my parents, my children, my wife and myself.
My raising all included the fact that I would never discuss this subject with anyone else, much less another lady. But, fast forward. Two years ago, my Dr (a lady- different story) ask about my sex life and when I told her the circumstances and that it was nonexistent, she suggested that I take care of myself by myself - if you know what I mean? She even gave me some viagra and suggested that there were some pictures on the internet that might be helpful also.
You have to know where I have come from to appreciate this. Deeply religous, leader in my church and the community and especially my family. Have always tried to be a pillar in the family, community, church, etc, and have succeeded somewhat. The people that know me would never think that I would handle this part of my life in this way. Talk about some surprises. Their are those in my circle that would tell you that I wouldn't do any of these things. In fact, they would think that I was going straight to Hell (oops-can I say that? ) for doing them. But, I am not hurting anybody and even tho this is not as good as the real thing, it is better than nothing and I can still live with myself when the altz. is over.
I can't believe I even have the nerve to write this and I couldn't if I could see you or if I knew you. Anonymity is great.
2ndtimearound, you're new! Hi there, and welcome to our family.
We all do tend to write things here we'd just NEVER talk about to other people. You are right, anonymity is great.
But tell us a little more about yourself, under some of our other threads ... Where are you from?, and the two threads on ages, one for caregivers and one for spouses. I'll scrounge around to find them and bring them to the top for you.
2ndtimearound,moderation my good fellow,I didn't an now my eyes are playing tricks on me,but I already have a seeing eye dog so I'm going for it,hey if the girls can have vibrators......... lol
Welcome to my website. You will find that because we are all spouses, we are able to discuss issues here that cannot be discussed elsewhere. They also would not be understood or tolerated by other forums. I do always monitor these posts to make sure nothing is offensive or expressed in an undignified manner.
What you have revealed is a perfect solution endorsed by doctors and leaves those who choose to follow that path with a clear conscience.
If you have not yet done so, please log onto my home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and scroll through the resources on the left hand side. Also, click on "previous blogs", and scroll through those topics. There are many on Alzheimer's and sexuality. Check into the website daily, as there are always new blogs, daily news updates, and lots of information.
We have a lot of guys here - they're just a lot quieter than the women. But I know that they are reading.
ol don, if your eyesight is beginning to fail you, you may be approaching Mark Twain's 5000 figure. How well I remember page 535 of the Boy Scouts Handbook discussing this sensitive topic under the heading of "Conservation of Natural Resources" and recommending cold hip baths (whatever those were -- I never tried one) when tempted to go this route.
2ndtimearound, welcome aboard. Good for you for being able to share your feelings. Your solution is a perfectly acceptable and reasonable way to deal with your problem. Stick around. There's lots of good information to be found on this site. Joan has done us all a great service.
I use to read here often but haven't been on for awhile. I came on today read this post and decided today was the day I would join. It is so refreshing to see people speaking so honestly! I am 43 my husband is 70. He has the blank stare many of you speak of and has been in a nursing home for the past couple of years. Like many of you I feel like a married widow. So much in fact that I have decided I am ready to move. I will always care for and visit the shell left of my husband. But I want and need more. I have been grieving for close to 10 years and I think I am ready to move on. No- I know I am. I am going on a date this coming weekend with a male friend I have known for a few years now. I was attracted to him right from the start and he me but the timing wasn't right. I wasn't ready. I fought this hard. It isn't as if he was overseas fighting a war and coming back to me. He is gone for good. I have accepted that at last. I have no guilt. I am more than ready to be happy again!