Joan in your blog you stated that your spouse in no way ready for day care. He functions far above that level.
I just wanted to let you know there are lots of different kinds of Day Care you would have to go look at them to match one with your spouse. The first one my husband went to was all Alzhemiers patients and my husband function was far above that level of people that went and he only went one time, but we found one that more than half of the people there do not have alz and they do all sort of activities so you might check in you area to see what kind of day care they have. They have one man that goes just because he is on oxygen and he does not want to stay home alone, he use to play checkers with my spouse but my spouse can not play anymore. They go to ballgames out to lunch for the people that can. He has been going for two years and use to love to go now he does not know why he goes or what he does. I am not sure how much longer he will be able to go but I think that time he coming way to soon for me as I work and I knew that it was a place he could go and have fun. It is so sad to see them change. Getting them to go for the first time can be very hard but our Doctor talked my spouse into it. Bless him....Love your site, there is hope yet....
Joan, as you look for daycare places that you think could be a "fit" for Sid, you might also wish to try to think of ways that you might ease him into participation without his feeling that he was being dumped into it. I expect most such places are always on the lookout for programs or activities -- does Sid have any talents or hobbies or whatever that he might be willing to "share" with the other folks there as a way of getting his feet wet? I know that's what I was able to do for Frances -- she loves to sing harmony, so we were able to recruit several of her bluegrass buddies to go with her and do hour-long musical programs the first few times she attended, then once she got to know some of the people and the routine, she was OK with being left there for several hours while I do other stuff. The place she goes (Joe's Club, run by our local county Alzheimer Foundation) has all sorts of folks there -- some worse off than Frances and many who are better off. On a typical day there are perhaps twenty five or thirty seniors there, being assisted and encouraged by a half dozen staff members -- at least one of whom is an RN. Some of the seniors are there every day (there's even a bus that picks them up and drops them off), while others are dropped off for just a few hours by their caregivers once or twice a week. They're open from 7:30 to 5:00 and serve a nice lunch meal plus in-between snacks and beverages, and the cost is $49.00 per day, or half that for four hours or less. Very warm and supportive atmosphere there -- I hope you'll be able to find something similar, because it sounds like both you and Sid could do with an occasional change of scenery.
When my DH started going to day care, I told him that they needed help. Of course, he wanted to know if he'd get paid. :) Anyway, he's been going for over three months and really likes it. He has always liked to dance so that makes him pretty popular there. They have a lot of different activities every day and also get a hot lunch.
Joan, my DH "volunteers" at the day care center three days a week.
I interviewed the director of the center and told her that this was the only way I could convince him to go. I wanted to get him used to the center slowly so that as time went on he wouldn't have a problem when he needed to be there longer. She went along with the plan and even was willing to give him a volunteer badge. We started him off two days a week from 9 to 3 and now he does three days. He is quite active and does help with outside chores, sweeping, raking, pruning and will mop floors, do minor repairs, paint. He plays bingo, has lunch with the others and has developed a special male friend that he talks to and trys to play dominos with. He is tired out when I pick him up but I know that he is being looked after by professionals and they will make sure he rests when he needs to. DH's neuro and PCP signed an order for this care. Our LTC insurance is reimbursing us for this service. This is a God send to me as it allows me to get chores done and gives me breathing space. Sounds like you need this!
The best I can do so far is DH going to our senior group at church and playing pinochle. He doesn't enjoy going out to lunch with the folks. He will stay for potluck because I enjoy it and a friend drives us back and forth. I have no idea how he would do in a day car situation.
I think it is great that several of you can leave them at the day care center part time. My DH is not that far along to do that. He has stenosis and can't or won't do any work. Does not like to socialize and it would be disastrous for me to try to leave him at one. I would have a bigger situation on my hands than I do now.
That may be the same way with Joan. Sounds like his dementia is not too bad except for the driving issue.
I am at my wit's end with this issue. Last night we went to a cast party for a play I just closed. There were fewer than 20 people at the party and the house was comfortably large enough so no one was crowded. DH knew everyone at the party and most of them were very good friends. Literally, there wasn't anyone he didn't know. He was miserable. He ate a little, but would not interact with anyone. He stood against the wall in the main room where most everyone had gathered, with a blank look on his face...obviously depressed and miserable. At that point, I pulled him aside to another quieter room and tried to get him engaged, but he was not willing to try to mingle. No matter how much I talked to him about these were our friends, he insists they are my friends and they only put up with him for my sake. This, of course, is not true. I have even joked with him that, if anything, it is the other way around...he is the one everyone likes and they put up with me. When I offered for us to leave, he insisted that I stay and he would walk home. While we don't live far from where the party was, it was dark and part of the route entailed walking on a highway with little shoulder. When I tried to insist that we leave together, he became more upset to the point he was beginning to cry. So rather than draw attention to the situation and make it worse, I gave him the keys (he still drives) so he could go home. I stayed about another hour and got a ride home with a friend. Later in the evening, he apologized, but still would not acknowledge "our" friends as being "our" friends and how much these people care about him. We've had this conversation so often over the last few years since his stroke, but last night just seemed worse.
Stephanie, I am so sorry! I'm afraid this is the first of many disappointments. If he is willing to stay, even if he doesn't look like he's enjoying himself, you are fortunate. You may find that in the future, you may have to go alone. It's just another heartbreak of this disease.
We did have the conversation about whether or not he would go to the party before we even went. After the final performance, I went home to get him. He spent the afternoon at our monthly trivia game at the local Library. I couldn't go because of the show. He was upset that the usual man who does the questions wasn't there (on a cruise lucky him) and we knew ahead of time that one of the other regular players would sub and do the questions this month. Problem came in when the sub made the questions much harder than the usual man. DH said the questions were so hard that the team that wins most months came in last place. He was still brooding about this when I got home, so I talked to him about whether or not he even wanted to go to the party. I was on the fence about it. I hated to leave him alone in that mood, but I also didn't want to force him into a situation I knew would make him uncomfortable. I felt like I had to make an appearance at the party even for just a few minutes. I was just hoping since the people there were close friends and people we genuinely like, he would perk up and turn his mood around. Ultimately, it just made it worse.
This had to be so sad for you. I'm really sorry. Do your friends know about his AD? If they do, that would make it a bit easier. Most of our friends and acquaintences know my DH has AD and even if he does happen to act out or be a party pooper, they understand. That helps. But lots of times, he just refuses to go. If I'm only going to be gone a short while, I do go without him. then when I get back, he says it wasn't very nice of me to leave him all alone. Sigh! What are you going to do? :)
Thanks Mawzy. I think most of our friends know. We only told our closest circle when he was originally diagnosed, but a few months ago he decided to go public so word is getting around. With the exception of 4 or 5 people that were new to this show and at this particular party, everyone else either definitely knows or probably knows. As no one asked what happened when he quietly disappeared, I suspect they all know. It is easier when they know...no explanations necessary to true friends.
Slowly all of our outings as a couple stopped. Slowly we no longer socialized. That was long before I came here, so I didn't understand what was happening. It was mostly gone while my husband was still driving.
We were invited to dinner at a friend's house recently. I don't know what would have happened if it had been lunch, but I know there won't be any more couple socializing. That is now over. They don't put socializing in as one of the dementia symptoms in the 7 stages, but if they did, I think it starts disappearing about stage 4, and is gone by the end of stage 5.
It is sad, but it is what goes on with this disease.
This morning I asked my wife if she wanted to go to day care or stay home with me (we are having a fairly good snowstorm). She elected for the day care because she really enjoys the association with other people. I tried to drive her there, but after 1/2 mile decided it was not worth it. The roads were really slippery. DW was OK with coming back home, and now, as usual, is sitting in her chair asleep. I wish I could find something to entertain her.
Marsh, I received a big bag of "cracked" pecans (fresh off the tree and put in a machine to crack the shells) for a Christmas present. My husband (with the aid of my grandson) are shelling the pecans for me (it will take about three days) and then I put them in zip lock freezer bags to use all year long. My husband loves it, because he feels he is helping me. I love it - because I don't have to do it! <grin>
Have you tried large-sized jigsaw puzzles (like I used to get for pre-school children) set up on a card table in front of her? Does she enjoy that sort of thing?
Could she still try to organize the family photos (if you have some that are not in order in photo albums or boxes)?
Could she play the child's game of Old Maid (that has pictures instead of numbers) with you? Or the old Lincoln Logs are still fun.....My great grandchildren enjoy Granny playing with them. <grin>
My DH was a super atty in his other life.:) i gave him a small lightweight briefcase full of pens/pads,calculators/bar mags w/his name on them//hidden candy in one pocket//a tape recorder in another//he fiddles with his case all day and opens/closes it so many times i think its going to break soon::)) he also carries it with him to go visit with his 'friend' in the mirror..isnt this just too cute? awww. bless his heart, he remembers being a lawyer somewhere in there....marsh, maybe a basket of colorful large yarns to mess with wind/unwind//scraps of varied materials for touch, like velvets/fur scraps//silk, they seem to love touching these//large colored buttons or zippers that work...i think she may enjoy these! plus baby one of those large baby dolls that 'drinks' a bottle?..most ladies enjoy the nurturing? and get a couple of more stuffed animals, maybe a dog that barks to go wtih her cat..you will be surprised what keeps their interest these days! any stimulation is good esp if you cant get outdoors..keep it simple..Divvi
I wanted to put this post into a thread about Day Care that already existed. I think this is the best one.
My husband had a bad Full Moon event this month. Lots of confusion. Some loss of abilities I take for granted like being able to make his own breakfast. A neighbor who was arranging to take him out to lunch this week pushed me to call the local Area Agency for Aging, and I did.
The caseworker came today. She talked to both of us about him going to day care, maybe one or two days a week. She presented it to HIM as a place where he could socialize and do activities. And told him that the ones in this area will allow us to both visit it and even try it out for a day or two.
She also came up with a couple of other ideas that I'm going to run with, like bringing in a student from one of the local colleges (we have a lot of them around here) who might like to take walks with him or maybe go to the supermarket with him and a list and do some basic shopping for me.
She will be sending me a bunch of information. She also will be closing the case, but she told me that she was doing that because I can ask to have it re-opened (all data will be available for the new caseworker) at any time. All I have to do is call. He isn't ready for nurse visits every 6 months and he isn't ready for in-home CNAs, both of which would keep the case open.
I really worried about how he was going to handle having the caseworker here, but we invited him to the table mainly because he needed to be there so she could assess him. And that helped him feel comfortable about the entire thing. He also had the charm going full blast.
She also used a phrase that I need to remember. She said he was "socially appropriate". He is obviously profoundly demented if you talk to him, but because he is socially appropriate, he will be eligible for more day care groups.