Looks like I'm gonna be a grandma again. It hurts so much that Bill just got to meet our grand daughter only once and will never know or meet our grand son. Life can be so cruel. It is 2 years now and I still cry over all that he has missed. Should have been the best part of our lives.
I would like to share something special to me. When my husband was getting very belligerant the places we could go to were very limited. We often went to a Mexican restaurant where the same waitress would take care of us. She didn't know what was wrong-but recognized my husband's special needs. She would give him a warm greeting and say "I know just what you would like tonight"-realizing he was beyond making choices. His final meltdown was like something from a horror show. The entire staff pitched in to help me. Fast forward 5 years later. I am at a restaurant with friends and our waitress looks familiar. She introduces herself by name and while we are at a different restaurant she is the same person! I tell her what she did for us years ago and how much it meant to me. I went to tell the restaurant owner of her kindness and lo-he owned the Mexican restaurant years ago. When he opened his new restaurant his old staff found him and rejoined his new venture. I told my fellow diners our story and they were in tears.
For any partners that have lost their loved one,a hospice worker gave me a CD a couple months ago when I lost my wife,didn't think much about it at the time but when I played it I enjoyed it so much I made copies,its mostly hymns an such but with water an loons in the background,if anyone would like a copy just send me your address an I'll send a copy right out,no charge just want others to enjoy
Bluedaze, I loved your story. It added a sweetness to the day. Thanks for sharing it with us. Ol' Don, I'd very much appreciate a copy of your tape. Thank you for your kind offer. Sometimes I find it hard to fall asleep, and this will help, I know. I'll e-mail you my address.
bluedaze* I don't honestly believe in coincidences, so your story was extra moving to me. How wonderful to be reunited with your special "angels" and I imagine it was healing to you to be able to express how much their kindness meant to you. Thank you for sharing your special story with us ((hugs))
Hi everyone, I haven`t been on in a long time am now checking to see how you all are doing, life after AD is hard, almost 3 yrs and still have a hard time adjusting to certain things, like my latest emergency of grandaughter on her moped and drunk driver hitting her and her friend of course she got blamed for it, but i have to admit she is only 12 and not old enough to ride it, so I have to do all the worring myself , damn parents knew better, want to take my daughter and shake her within an inch of her life, I know Bob was her angle that day, he got between the girls and a big bad ass truck the drunk was driving, she was saved by her grampa that day . he is our angle. I haven`t read all the post but I`m getting there. Take care and love all of you
Marygail, I was sorry to read about your granddaughter's accident and hope she is recovering. I went away for a 5 day holiday, and for the first time since Eric died 17 months ago, I had good dreams about him and happy memories. Up until now, the horror of the past several years have stayed with me. It didn't help that I'm still dealing with the stepkids and the ex-wife, but I trust that it will be over soon. It's good to feel some happiness again.
Don, I did get the CD, thank you. I like it very much, and listening to it when I go to bed ensures a good sleep. I wonder if I have your correct e-mail? I sent you an e-mail when the CD arrived. To make sure, I surface-mailed you a note a few days ago, and you should be getting it soon. I particularly liked the music. It's all familiar to me and is beautifully performed. Thanks again, ol friend Don, much appreciated.
Today is the third anniversary of Diane's death. I am trying to hold it together, and not break apart. I miss her so very much. My first born, my joy, my best friend (other than my husband) and my co-caregiver until her death. She brought me such fun and support, and I still need her so much. I couldn't mourn her then as I needed to due to my husband's AD and having to take care of him.
Everyone here was so wonderful and supportive when she died. I was filled with the love of all of you, and your caring. I have been able to put my life back together since my husband died a year ago, and now I am able to be happy most of the time and look to my future, but today, being the anniversary, it is heartbreaking once again.
Oh Mary, my heart breaks for you all over again. I remember when I found out that your beloved Diane had died......I just couldn't imagine your hurt. I loved my husband and it was sad to watch him decline and die...but, as women, we all suspect we will outlive our mate. But losing a child.....that is just too much.
You are such a wonderful role model for all the caregivers here.....we all are lifting you up today and always....
Mary, my arms are around you and holding you tightly. You are being lifted up by everyone here and I hope you can feel the love. I know your feeling all too well and the anniversary date is always heartbreaking. Love you.
Mary, dear, Diane was more of a blessing than most people can ever experience. I am so sorry that you have lost her. It's so hard to remember all the good parts while knowing and remembering is all you will ever have.
Thank you for being here for me. I made it through the day and the next. Now, I am surrounded with my other children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. It is a reaffirmation of life to be with small children.
mary just seeing your post. i hope your day of tears and sadness had some good moments of joy and rememberance of wonderful life cut way too short. hugs to you dear friend. i know its difficult. divvi
Dear friend Mary, I remember the time when Diane went to England and the shock we all had to hear that she had became seriously ill. We sent up so many prayers for her at that time. I still include you and Diane in my prayers: I know she was so dearly beloved.
75 I did recieve your card yesterday,nice to know you recieved CD an enjoy it,by all means if you know anyone else that would like a copy feel free to "send" them to me, have about 20-25 copies an will gladly share free of charge with anyone,I listen to it daily
((Mary)) I too remember when you shared with us of the loss of your Diane, as heartbreaking now as it was then..... I just can't imagine ...
But you know what I also remember? I remember being in awe of you! Here you were going through just about the worst thing that can happen to a person, AND dealing with the daily losses of your DH, yet here you were, on these boards, offering strength and support to all of us. It is no wonder why you are so deeply loved ♥♥♥
This trip to see my family has been a good one. We have had good remembrances of Diane and Dave, and celebrated life and enjoyed the present with the young ones.
I now find myself helping others by sharing my experiences, trying to let them know that what they are feeling is okay.
And this morning we added another from Joan's to our * list...one whom I admire dearly. Our spice will welcome him to their group.
Today is our eighth month anniversary and we are heading for Mackinac Island to celebrate. We'll spend the night in Mackinaw City and then head to the Upper Peninsula to see the Tahquamenon Falls again.
This morning I drove myself to a surgi-center for a 3 hr. proceedure and of course back home. Felt strange not having my soulmate to help and ask if I need anything. At least a friend will pick up my meds and dressing supplies. Why don't the offices tell you before hand the routine supplies you will need?
A three hour procedure, and they let you drive home?? Unless this was done with just a local w/o a sedative or anesthesia I can't believe they let you leave the surgi-center unattended and you drove home??? Hope you're doing ok and recovery is speedy
marty-I am a very independent person. I had only a local-which still hurts like hell. It was an easy drive home. Thanks for the concern. My friends are driving me nuts clucking all over me (but it does feel nice).
I need to tell somebody this. What better place than to people who will understand and not look dazed and glazed. I went to close our safety deposit box today. The bank person handed me the original document. There was Gord's signature...so strong and firm. It took me by surprise and I let out a little oh. I ran my fingers over his signature as if somehow, I could feel his presence. I broke down. I was so surprised by the tidal wave of emotion. Such a little thing.
jang* I understand. Bill was the driver in our family. Now it is just me. I remember the remarks he used to make about certain buildings and it hurts when I drive my them-alone.
It does hurt. I find that there are things that I see that cause me to make this little, involuntary sigh. It is sort of an ohhhhh. This is difficult as was the disease.
One of my daughters and I did something neat today. It is the custom in our religion to leave a stone on the grave maker to say "I remember you". My husband was an avid SCUBA diver. I have a basket of shells and whenever we visit his grave we take a shell and put it on his marker.
I'm not of your faith, Nora, but I do the same with Kevin's grave marker. He had a big collection of stones of various shapes, sizes, birds, animals of all kinds, and I leave one when I visit. It's a wonderful custom.
This is probably a dumb question but I'll ask it anyway. When does the crying lessen? I have never been a crier but I can't seem to stop for more than a few minutes. There aught to be a way to turn off memories until you can handle them better. BTW I didn't want to be a part of this group but the choice wasn't mine and I imagine no one here would have chosen to join.
Jean, I really didn't cry that much. It seemed to me that Gord was coming home any moment. I don't know why I felt he was just away. Perhaps because he went to respite on October 4th and died on the 26th. He was only home Sunday afternoon and night and went by ambulance Monday morning at 9. Of course, he never returned. For me, the tears come on suddenly and then leave. Hang in there. This is a new and difficult journey yet again.
Thank you Mary that is a sentiment i needed to hear. I like Jean can not stop the crying. I go through the day I am fine then home alone at 9pm I cry straight on to 11 and cry myself to sleep. I am not crying for DH he's in a much better place, I know and get that......I cry for me because I miss the love of my life and it hurts so bad that my broken heart just aches. So knowing the tears are helping the healing is a great comfort. I am still stunned to be a widow at 57 .....I am still stunned he's gone. But my heart and mind know he's done with this evil disease. He's in heaven and I am broken hearted.
Terrry54*, We are in the same boat except I am 72 but I just can't believe my DH went so fast and I certainly didn't want to be a widow. My doctor called in a prescription for Xanax that I can take every 4 to 6 hours. It works for 6 hours but then the memories and tears start again. I now know what a broken heart feels like.
Jean21* I so feel your broken heart. It was never a burden, it was never a problem to care for him. It was exhausting but I didn't care how many times he'd ask a question, how many new and interesting places he'd find to pee.......I didn't care because at night he'd say "i love you". But it was exhausting !!! We all know where this disease leeds to but like any death when it spirals out of control and then they are gone your still stunned. I have always said that the living feel the pain the deceased are with God and have found the peace they could no longer have here. My pain and tears are for my loss, for myself. So today I must pack up cloths, shoes, things. Today I will cry a river, but I must cry and complete this painful task no one can do it but me. My memories are mine and my pain is mine and my healing will come just not today. Wednesday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary I think that day must come and go before I can look forward at my life.
Terry, I know how you must feel on your Anniversary. Next month will be my DH's birthday and I'm not sure I will get through it very well. I wish you peace and comfort. God Bless.
Jean just checking in on how your doing ? I cried a river like I thought this weekend but that task is now complete. Each is a step...it's a step towards healing. It's like I say......I am just so terribly sad for me hubby's in the better place and there is comfort, real comfort in that. Any place without Alzheimers has got to be heaven
Terry, The past week and a half have been nothing but problems. First of all I was told it could take 3 weeks to get the death cetificates and my DG couldn't be cremated until they got whatever from the health department. The girls who typed up the obituary had wrong and had to redo it. I got the DC on Friday and they guy who took the information for the obituary said they would take the ashes out to the cemetary and I could go any time after that! I called the cemetary and was told I had to give a weeks advance notice. I spoke with the funeral director on Sunday and he took care of the cemetary part. On Friday I called the church office to let our Pastor know when the inurment would take place, I was told he was out of town until the next day. Found out the next day he is out of town until the 24th. So asked the junior Pastor and he asked when it was, I set it up for 10.00 Wednesday morning, he can't do it then. Called the guy who has been helping me and his father is a retired Navy Chaplain and he will do whatever they do for the inurment. So I am hoping nothing else can get screwed up between now and Wednesday morning. I have gone between anger, crying and hopelessness. I just want to put my husband to rest and then try and start to move forward. I hope you are able to move forward and find peace.
OH Jean, I am so sorry for all that has happen to you. As if trying to mourn isn't enough. You don't need all that Crap !!! My Hubby is still at home in the box. He wanted to be sprinkled in the Atlantic Ocean and that's a long way off from being done, my son will do it within the next 5-10 years, he now lives in Arkansas and we have to arrange a family trip to the Outer Banks to abide by hubby's request. So until then he's (hubby) hanging at the house with me......my strange humor I guess :) I am struck daily by my saddness, grief and survivers remorse. I don't want life to go on for me or anyone else actually, everyone, the world should be sad that he's gone !!! But then I realize that life does go on, peoples lives do go on and only my life is really affected. I will come to grips with that especially this week when our anniversary passes. When it passes .....well I guess then my new life will begin. The chapter of being married to a wonderful, loving and special person will end and a new life for myself will begin. I hope I am can do my husband proud to live on with joy, kindness and compassion for others.....and as we all always say to take care of myself too. I wish you peace and hope all the "stuff" you have had to deal with ends so you can begin your new life as well.
I cry. Mother and Father prohibited crying and then I never wanted to cry in front of my husband. Now if I want to cry I just lie on my bed and cry.
Mostly what prompts me to cry isn't so much that my husband died but how he suffered. I have found things he had written where he clearly questioned what was happening to him and later what he had lost and even what I would do. I see his death as his deliverance from that torture to joy.
Jean21,
It sounds like you got the required certificates...? I got pretty much the same song and dance and so I ordered some (5 at a time can be ordered) from www.vitalchek.com. 800-255-2414. They charge a processing and shipping fee plus what your state would charge per certificate. They were delivered in less than 48 hours!
Terry, my husband too resides on my dresser. I pat it as I go by and talk to him when I am upset. Gord has been gone 10 months now and in the last couple of weeks, something has been happening and I wonder if anybody else has found this. All of a sudden, something happens that brings back a memory of the last few years or the days when Gord was dying. They blindside me with their intensity. I believe it was Judith who spoke about her husband's constant restlessness near the end. Suddenly, I could see Gord on his last days and how he moved constantly. Then the sudden stillness that was so frightening the day before he died. The memories are so vivid, I feel as if I am back in the time.
Jang, I'm so sorry you're being blindsided by memories of Gord's final bad times. Maybe I've got selective memory or something, but as I come up on the three year anniversary of Frances's passing this Friday, I would have to work hard to bring memories of her bad final months back into focus. I shot some videos during those bad times (for "historical" reasons I guess -- the engineer in me), and I expect most of my "memory" of the bad times would be memories formed during a few later playbacks of the videos rather than actual memories of the events themselves. The bad times seem so long ago and so far away. Now when I think of her, which I do every day, the things I think about are the good times -- raising kids, travel, gourdcrafting together, how much she enjoyed golfing and singing and gardening and such as that. New wife Joyce and I have sort of a little "shrine" in the living room, with portraits of our former spouses side by side, and every time I catch sight of Frances smiling at me from her photo, I give her back a smile and a wink and a mouthed kiss and maybe linger for a happy moment before moving on. Having moved on, with a new marriage, has undoubtedly been a good thing for me -- I guess I was just meant to be married, and loneliness would have been torture for me.