bluedaze--glad you are getting to relive some of the good times. I think we all need to try to do that more--I'm going to try to make time to go through some old photo albums. Stepdaughter brought some old pix of Steve to the ALF for the shadowbox outside his room. I had actually forgotten how good-looking he was--I guess I'm focusing so much on what I see before my eyes every day.
Daugther an I were sitting on the back porch friday talking and a pair of hummingbirds came to the feeder,first of the year an daugther said Margie must have sent them as a birthday gift(friday was birthday) so today is our anniversery but so far they havn't showed up but did have a pair of bluebirds here today so maybe she figured I'd like a little variety,three months to the day an it isn't getting any better
((Nora)) I am sorry I wasn't able to be on to support you through this difficult anniversary. I hope mingled with the sadness was some rejoicing of the time you were blessed with together. ((hugs and love))
Olddon..going on 7 months here, and it is not getting easier at all....and I am not getting any birds here at all....Just a lot of love bugs...and that is no help at all
11 months here, and it hits at different moments and it is still hard. And Nora shows us that after two years it is still rough. I can still only see him like he was at the end. I'm still waiting to see him in my memories like he used to be. I am starting to laugh more easily now...but I still tear up over certain thoughts more now than before...and Phranque*, I don't have any love bugs, or birds to watch....
I am enjoying my life now, and I'm taking regular steps, and not baby steps any more. I'm starting to build a new life for myself. I don't know where it is going yet, but it will be different from my old life - not a lot, but enough for me to make new friends, and do more with them, and stay out of the house more. I want to enjoy the rest of my life, and be with my new Alzheimer's family as often as I can - we know what we've been through and understand each other so much!
32 months here, and to tell the truth I've been too busy these past two years breaking in a new wife to spend much time grieving! Just months after our marriage I found myself in a familiar caregiver role again -- but this time nursing new wife Joyce through a several month bout with shingles -- her doctor said it was the worst he'd ever seen. And then more recently I've nursed her through several months of recuperation from extensive spine surgery that has turned out to be a miracle in ridding her of chronic lower back pain that had limited her activities for years. So finally, at a combined age of 169 years, we're good to go and hopefully will soon be able to hit the road to new adventures in a new-to-us larger used motorhome with all the comforts of home. Who knows -- we may show up in YOUR driveway someday soon!
A few days ago I did finally have the courage to watch a video compilation that I had made shortly after my DW's passing, of "good" times during her final three months of life. It was sad, of course, but not as depressing as I had feared it would be. It was wonderful to see her momentarily come out of the fog for a few moments here and there -- it made me really wonder where she WAS the rest of the time -- like a blank slate, or in her own world incomprehensible to us, or what? It almost seemed that she could, with a great deal of effort on her part, get her brain circuits to firing somewhat correctly for brief intervals, presumably in an attempt to not disappoint us. She was a real trooper!
So happy to hear you and Joyce are about "on the road again"! I'm sure the video was sad for you to watch - but you still have the good times to remember! I wish you two only the best and a happy life together.
Gourdchipper - good to hear from you. Getting 'on the road' again sounds so good. We are having to park our RV soon or I have to drive it, as he continues to loose ground. Not sure if it will be this year, next or when?
Same here, FayeBay. Could it be that your dreams are one way of your coming to terms with all of it? DH's kids are still interfering with my life, but once the will is settled, I hope that trigger will no longer operate. Just checked your profile, we were in the fray at the same time. Maybe time will take care of it for both of us, but I agree, we'll never be the same.
6 months and 2 weeks here. Like Phranque* I have no hummingbirds or signs. I too still have dreams of those days. I woke this morning very troubled by a dream that we were supposed to be packed up and moving today. Gord was being silly for the moving men while I wondered how I was going to get everything ready for them. It was lovely to see his face in my dreams, even though it was still the face of Alzheimer's.
I was remembering when I read Phranque's post how I cried reading his posts during the end of his wife's life. I believe Bruce was also going through the same thing at the same time. I remember that at that time, I was preparing for Gord to go into respite for 12 days. To think that I had no idea as I read their posts that a month or so later, it would be my turn. If only I had known.
Hi everyone.....just caught up and cried.....it's been 26 months ago yesterday since I lost Jim. It never stops hurting, I guess it just hurts a little less often. I still drive up to the house and expect to see him working in the yard or expect to hear him call to me. There is no "Normal" for grieving....as my therapist said, "normal is just a setting on the dryer". I have started a chapter of a wonderful Attitudinal Healing group here on Wednesday nights at my church. We have folks with a wide range of troubling issues. It feels good to reach out and help them see the many gifts that God has bestowed upon us with and be a part of their emotional healing. I feel very blessed. I have gotten involved in a few church committees, and some town activities as well. I now help cook, serve and entertain at our monthly Senior Socials/Luncheons, have been doing Yoga and Tai Chi. Plus I'm part of the family village raising my two grandsons. Between their activities and mine I stay pretty occupied, lol. I'm still caring for my Mom who is beginning to show her age a bit. It's challenging as she has always been my best friend. It's tough to see her begin to fail, especially after all the care she provided to Jim. She is still active but not as sharp as she once was. My daughter moved home 3 months ago.....this has been a blessing (most days, lol). She is a big help with the boys and is slowly taking on more responsibilty. She is doing amazingly well in school for Drug and Alcohol Counseling. She has been sober for over 2 1/2 yrs and is beginning what seems to be a very healthy relationship. I had my weight loss surgery last July and have lost almost 65 lbs to date. I have anothe 20 or so to go before I am done with all my "caregiver gain". So all in all Life is Good, just taking it one day at a time. Arms around you all, S*
You certainly deserve all the happiness, Susan! And, I'm so happy to hear about your daughter and how well she is doing. You have been and still are an amazing caregiver, Mother, and friend to so many of us. Love you, Girl.
Susan, so good to see you here! I am delighted life is being kind to you ♥ You are an inspiration and I am grateful to FB for keeping us all in touch ((hugs))
to all It has been 8 months since my wife passed and time seems to be going by very quickly. I guess the LORD is doing what HE promised me that in time the pain would lessen and the feeling of loneliness would probably stick around longer. HE was right. The actual pain of her passing is letting up but the nights are still a bummer. After sleeping with someone for 50+ years sleeping alone sucks big time. I still have to get up and get out of the house if the walls start closing in. It is easier now with the weather warming up here in Michigan. I have been volunteering at church and am now starting to go fishing. Yard work at home is not so much fun cause that was something that we always shared when she was well. The internet seems to be an outlet for keeping in touch with people and being able to share experiences with others helps to release the grief that builds up on the inside. Sometimes just putting in writing what your feeling helps to release the pain and emotion by seeing in writing. Also reading others comments about their journey helps you to realize that lots of other people are traveling down a similar path. I have been dating some and enjoying the company of someone who traveled a similar path. She lost her spouse to cancer. But the loss and all that goes with it create a similar emotion. Just saying that with all the blessings that GOD has put in my life I am managing to move forward and maybe someday I will look back and realize the through HIM and HIS love for me I succeeded. May you all find the path that HE can put you on through your faith. Just trust, believe, and faith will bring you through. May GOD bless you all. Bruce D *
Well Bruce,doesn't seem so warm way up here in the tri cities,frost last week,only been three months for me without my fishin pardner but have lost all interest in fishin,maybe the interest will return,right now I just keep busy in the yard an try not to think of the past but so much reminds me of days gone by,nice to hear your moving on,guess its differant of everyone
ol don I have not went fishing for almost 40 years because my wife had became allergic to fish. A couple weeks ago a friend that I used to work with invited me to go fishing on Lake Michigan. Him, his son and I went out from Grand Haven and brought home 15 salmon. It was a trip of a lifetime. We had a blast. I had never been on the big lake except years ago at the straits. Never for fishing. Do not know if I will ever go again but that once was beautiful and I will be forever grateful to those two for giving me such a wonderful experience. On the reverse note my wife and I always enjoyed working in the yard together and now it kills to have to go out in the yard and try to clean it up. We built this place together and have lived here for fifty years and now with her gone all there is are memories and being outdoors just brings back all those times. It just does not seem right that I am still here and she is not. It will never seem like home to me again without her. Every day is a challenge to stay here. If it was not for the fact that my daughter and two granddaughters live here with me I would never be home. God bless you and it will get better, but you have to do what you can the leave the things you cannot do to the LORD bring to completion. It is only through HIS blessings that I am still here. If I did not have my faith in GOD then everything would be left just wandering to the world. meaningless. May GOD bring HIS many blessings of strength, joy, peace, and wisdom into you life and to all the others who are here. Bruce D *
I have been doing a major cleaning on the room where my computer is. While cleaning, I came across the journals that I have kept since 2006. Obviously, I was trying to figure out if barometer, exercise and sun/rain/cloud made a difference in Gord's moods and behaviour.
I cried while I read some of the pages. Lord that was a hard journey and so hard for him.
Bruce D I cried when I read your posts. It is so much like my life right now.
(quote:)It will never seem like home to me again without her. Every day is a challenge to stay here. If it was not for the fact that my daughter and two granddaughters live here with me I would never be home.
No matter what you have, it means nothing if you have no-one to share it with.
Hi FayeBay*, I wouldn't erase them either. I would tuck them away for when you are stronger. Not long before Gord died, I had thousands of feet of Super 8 film changed to DVDs. Gord's dad had filmed a lot of our life. There is no way I could watch those now. I also have his chart from his days in respite before he died. I read through them once and they too are tucked away for when I feel stronger. They paint an incredibly sad picture as did my journals.
It is a good thing we have each other. Other people don't understand.
I may never love again. I will certainly never love like that again where we went through most of our lives together. I had everything most anyone would ask for, I thought it would go on forever, and I always imagined I would go first.
If I had known I said to myself. But if I had known I would have clung to her every minute and we wouldn't have been what we were. I always knew she was very important. I never knew she was pretty much everything and even though I have everything else still, without her they all taste like sand.
It's analytical honesty and not dramatics that the odds of my re-learning joy of life or floating the rest of my time in detachment and despair seem pretty much an even bet.
It makes me think of one of the most dramatic experiences I've had with nature. Two houses ago we had a large austrian pine in our backyard where in a huge ice storm one of the main lower limbs broke off from the weight and did serious damage to the core of the trunk. In the spring I noticed sap was appearing above the wound and dripping into the jagged hole. As the weeks progressed it became clear the austrian pine was making sap up to two feet above that hole. Just on that side. I started watering it and gave it some nutrients. The sap kept coming out exactly where gravity would drop it and while it wasn't neat - that tree knew what it had to do and how to do it to try to survive. That lasted two years. In the winter it stopped seeming to know the sap would not run or having become dormant. But the next spring it was back with determination and in that second year that hole got filled and coated over. And then the sap stopped.
That was 17 years ago when the sap stopped. I checked 6 years ago (the house backed onto a park) and it was still there. Living. Never the same. But living it's life.
I don't know what will happen. I do know what I'm trying to do. Which is that when the time comes I start putting her into the past with the memories just as I did with mum and dad. It will be much harder but their spirits are welcome in my memories. All is forgiven and just the cherished truths of life remain. We are what we are. We all go through all these losses. It was always so. It was always known. It's up to me to learn in time to accept that, learn to keep my heart open, and struggle for the truths I believe in.
I wish that form of spiritual healing for all of you. That's a little self serving because I'm going to join you with my own asterik all too soon. At the core of my being, I believe that while all this grief, despair, saddness are all truths that are a big part of this - ultimately the test of the soul will be a choice between losing what I loved the most or loving.
The grief and saddness are there. Did losing what I loved the most cause me to stop loving? Or did I struggle to continue to love things in life? Time will tell.
There is a metaphysical question to be answered here I think. If we believe that there is no honour in pursuing these ideas, then these thoughts don't apply. In other words if we believe it's wrong to truly try to enjoy ourselves again then it is. These are the extemely personal choices that make up our beliefs. In my world I would have wanted my wife to be happy again and I'm certain she would say the same. So in my world the truths of what I'm struggling for already are very clear even though they're a million miles away.
I don't mean to be different. Ultimately we do choose (whatever I say). The pain defines us. Or we define it. That is happening and going to happen with absolute certainty. I can't face my christmas tree up for 18 months and that's ok right now. I won't touch her things while she is with this. Those are her things and this is her house. But the flowers are in and its giving comfort to my good neighbours on the court because they see there is some life over here. She would have done better but it's a labour of love for her. In all honesty I'm already in the fight of my life. And I have only one weapon. But it's a good one. To love. When I love it drips sap into my open wound.
Good memories....I like to dwell on "good memories". Shopping today and always when I walk through the men's department in the department store - I think for an instant - I should be looking for a new golf shirt for Paul. I love shopping and I loved buying him new shirts. I would have to take the price tag off before I gave it to him because if it cost more than $12.00 he wouldn't keep it.
He loved plain color golf shirts and the colored T-shirts with "cutsie sayings" on the front. He also loved gardening and good thoughts of him arrise when I see a beautiful garden - a lovely hay field - a field freshly mowed and bales of hay scattered about - a pretty herd of cattle - a "loaded" farm tractor - and most of all, a Candy Store. He would salivate just seeing a Candy Store and loved buying chocolates, especially truffles - he kept a stash of chocolate candy bars in his bedroom for he and the grandkids. He loved going into Farm and Tractor stores.
The kids laugh about how much he enjoyed his chocolate candy. Still, he was not overweight - used to give me fits that he could eat all those sweets and stay about the same size. We have so many good memories to remember him by. Oh, and he would also limit us to no more than three truffles at a time. (grin) He was very good about keeping his candy in his room and away from my temptation - and I doubt if he himself kept to the three limit.
Adjusting to DH’s Placement hit me way harder than I expected. As I see it now, my job, as I make peace with his Placement and eventual death, is to work on letting go of the life we’ve had and eventually moving our connection into the remembrance of the love we’ve shared. My broken heart needs to have and take time for remembrance, forgiveness, and unresolved issues. Remembering, even re-enacting some memories can help do that. DH’s life had meaning and will live on in my remembrances. When I share stories of our camping trips, or ice fishing, I will be celebrating the life that still lives in my heart. For that time we will be together in a special way. Placement and Death change life but they don’t end love. Love remains within the solitude of the heart. It is a never-ending source of life with a loved one. There’s a quote from a headstone in Ireland, that says it better, I think. “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.’
FayeBay* that was a VERY romantic story. I loved it. Lots of things make me smile too. I always smile when I see chocolates, as I said above. Our Anniversary Date was last week and I remembered it - but it is no longer a special day any more than any other day. But I do remember past Anniversary's. When we were standing in front of the preacher, Paul kept "squirming" and found out later he had chewing gum on one of his shoes. Wonderful memories. Also remember when the preacher told him he could kiss his bride - I thought he would never let me go. Still remember the giggles from our friends and family.
You know what? Those are both great moments. The lifesavers from the strong silent type and the long kiss at the altar. Everybody's got stories. And good memories are priceless.
My DH is not gone yet, but his ability to reason and understand are. We have unresolved issues even now, that we will never really, be able to resolve, because of that. I am doing all I can to reduce those issues, but eventually I will have to make peace with the fact that I did all I could. I thimk this is an area where we have to do our absolute best to resolve as much as we can, and then let the matters go. We did our best; that has to be good enough.
As to guilt, I believe that is not the right word for our feelings here. We did not cause their condition; we did not abandon them; we can claim no hand in losing them. We did all we could to help them, care for them, protect them, and let them go when it was time. There is no guilt in surviving either, because that is the job we are still here to fulfill. Who else but us can share their story? Who else can carry forth the good they brought to us? Having our LOs in our lives and getting them through the Dementia Horror has made us more ...stronger, compassionate, caring, and sensitive. It's made some of us more willing to step forward for better care, or for other issues important to us. We will each find our own way to continue...making a difference , whether in a few lives or many, because we know what matters.
A bit of humour.....I am having Bell in today to change my TV from cable to fibre. I have Gord's urn and a bit of a shrine on my dresser. I decided that it might creep the person out if they realized what it was. I put Gord carefully into the linen closet all the while apologizing. I promised him that as soon as the Bell guy goes, I will bring him out of the closet.
It was matter of room and stability, Wolf. Anyway, he is now out of the closet. He is back on my dresser with his prayer card on top of the urn. He has his candles back one of which says," grow old along with me." That was inscribed on his new wedding ring I gave him for our 25th. I wear the gold dog tag I got him for our 26th. It says ,"the best is yet to be." It is a good thing neither of us knew what lay ahead.
Joan was listing those who joined our "*" group since January......I'm also remembering those of us who have recently had our first anniversary being alone this year, or will shortly....
The ones joining this discussion continues to grow. I remember noticing over the last 5 years that the number of those with AD wasn't growing. It remained the same - because even though new people are diagnosed every day, that many also die every day. They do figure that with so many baby boomers coming up soon, that the figure will grow in the future.
Jang*, my mother had that plaque hanging on the wall in the den. A month after my dad died, she looked at it (I think for the first time since he had passed away) and asked me to take it down and give it away. Her best had been with my dad - who died of cancer, not AD.
I will be a widow for one year on the 8th of this month, and I'm still waiting for the AD years to fade so I can remember him better as he was before AD. Everyone says it will happen. I guess that I want it too soon.
I'm getting adjusted to widowhood. I'm fortunate to still work, and I love to read, and I love my iPad, so I can fill my time. I have travelled somewhere almost every month since he died for 3 - 4 days (to visit family, friends, or vacations) - to get away from the house and my memories. It works, but only short term. I plan on continuing to do so. Short term is better than no term! <grin>
My wishes are for all of us to remember the good times, help those who are where we were, stay in touch with our "family" here, and build a new life for ourselves. Our spice would have wanted us to do so.
Hi Mary, I guess so although Gord always said he wanted us to go together. I started getting quite nervous about that at a certain stage of the disease. I too can only remember the AD years. A woman at my support group said that she has found that looking at old pictures reminds her of the good days. Her husband died shortly before or shortly after Gord.
My niece tells me to find even small moments of joy such as a sunrise, sunset, animals etc. I do that. When my friend's grandson almost knocked me over, screaming, " Auntie Jan!" and hugging me ferociously , I felt one of those moments of joy. It is a work in progress.