I am back! It was very well organized and I didn't get lost. There was a wall to put the pictures of the person for whom you were walking. I did not expect to get so emotional but there I was crying and being hugged by total strangers. I will raise more for next year's walk.
I'm so glad to find this discussion group, focused on those who have lost spouses with Alzheimer's. I have read a number of posts and agree that we grieve differently than others. I lost my husband 7 weeks ago, and still find myself grieving for what he suffered; he also had metastisized prostate cancer, in the bone, and along with the fear and confusion of Alzheimer's, suffered pain from the cancer. To grieve his absence seems to me to be much healthier than grieving for his suffering. That is bound with feelings of regret, and, as I read in "Healing after Loss," regret is only to 'wallow' in. It is very difficult for me to get back to the days before he was stricken with dementia and remember him as he would want to be remembered, eg healthy and aware. I wonder if I should simply be satisfied with remembering the sweet times that we shared even as the Alzheimer's progressed. I would be grateful for any insights.
mbirney* as well as being a dementia widow I am also a hospice patient visitor. I have taken many bereavement classes. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. As for me-I am grieving more lately now that I have a chance to think clearly. Just come back to us and read. We are a very sharing group. I am sorry that you did not have us to lean on earlier. Welcome aboard now.
Hi & Welcome mbirney* I lost my husband last October, he was 60 years old. It has been a very hard month for me...it is starting to soak in that he is gone...not in the hospital or ALF & I will not see him again, in this lifetime. We would have been married 43 years last December....being young when we married, we grew up together, sometimes, acting like spoiled brats, but, stuck together & now I am lost. Since I am no longer a wife or caregiver, I am trying to find myself in this life of mine. Again Welcome.
Hi mbirney*. I lost my husband October 26 of last year. He was 67 years old. It is now 13 weeks,3 days and however many hours. 13 hours, I think. We had been married 46 years. I think I am doing well and then I break down. I have not even considered getting rid of anything...other than all the incontinence products which I am trying to give to a needy person. Apparently, there are none. I too am trying to find where I fit in this new world.
Thank you all for responding. I think this will be a very important site for me as we all work toward recovery both from the years of living with Alzheimer's and dealing with the complicated issues after we lose our loved one. Tears are OK, I don't mind crying at all, I just want to cry for the best of reasons, which is simply missing that dear person who is gone. Since my husband actually died from cancer, he was spared some of the worst of AD, though, he did seem to progress rapidly through the last stages simultaneously with the advance of the cancer. I haven't had the burden of guilt so far, even though there were plenty of times I was impatient or angry--that seems to me to simply be an effect of the disease and I doubt anyone escapes it. I, and I'm sure everyone here, did the best they could under extraordinarily difficult circumstances.
I wish I could come to the conclusion to which you have come. I beat myself up daily about every incident of impatience that I can remember. Unfortunately, remembering good times is lost.
Dear jang* I agree that remembering good times is lost--they are so far back in time. I have a picture of my husband that shows him in good health and I rely on that to recall him prior to his illness. I still hope that one day the memories of good times will supercede those of the suffering and illness.
I have pictures of him on the fridge where I can look at them all the time. There is one that a person took either this past spring or early summer. He is looking quizzical. When I look at that picture, it seems that his eyes are looking right into mine. For some reason, years ago, we called each other daddy-bear and mommy-bear. I look at that picture a hundred times a day and just almost sigh the words, " oh daddy-bear." I really can't believe he is gone.
For a while I kept the last picture of my husband in my den where I could always see it. The funeral home took an older and happier photo and made a beautiful portrait. My kids asked me to put away the last picture which was a very sad one. I have it in my bedroom where only I can see it. I do enjoy seeing the happier one now on display.
Maybe keeping some of the memories close that seem too sad to others has its purpose and we work through them in our own time. I had put the shirt my husband died in on the pillow next to me at night, and it, oddly, was comforting to me as it was the last thing he wore, and I felt that some of him was retained in that shirt. Just a few nights ago, the thought came into my mind--'he is gone,' and since then it seems to me that I have reached a new stage, and am beginning to think that it's time to put the shirt away and simply enjoy the happy picture of my husband on my bedside table.
A friend shared the following comment on Facebook this morning. I can relate to what she says.
"Transitions are the hardest thing in life. The going from one thing to another. Especially when the transition is not a pleasant one. One from life to death. It's challenging to find the right words to tell a friend when they suffer a loss. Maybe you start scrambling to find the perfect words written by a famous poet or perhaps a sympathy card to say it for you. But sometimes, sometimes the only thing that matters, is that they know you love them. If you are lucky, you will have the opportunity to tell them and the tools necessary to help move them through time and space until...until the sadness lifts a little and until they can carry on."
I just lost my husband 4 weeks ago to Early Onset Alzheimer's. He was a wonderful man and we were married 46 years. He was 65 when he died and lived with the disease for 7 years. It is great to find a website that I can relate to.
Sblan I am sorry for your recent loss. You have found a place where we all truly understand. When you see the * after our name you will know we have also lost our loved one. You have earned your star so please go ahead and add it after your name. You need to go to your profile to add it.
Sblan, Welcome & Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your husband. As bluedaze said, you have found a place where we all do understand what you have gone through. I lost my husband October 12th, 2011, he was 60 years old, suffered from Frontal Temporal Dementia (FTD) he started losing his memory at age 50.
Has been just over a year since my Charlie died. I am not really looking for romance or a relationship but would not say "no" to friendship or companionship. With that in mind I let my granddaughter introduce me to a customer of hers from the bar and restaurant where she works. After a couple of phone conversations, I have discovered the following: When I mention dinner out, he says he enjoy a home cooked meal. I mention seeing a movie at the theater, he tells me what is on tv. When I say dance, he says the only thing that dances at his house is the washer when the load is unbalanced. I have decided to say thanks but no thanks.
Looks like he is looking for someone to cook for him and is a "homebody" that does not want to go out. One thing I've missed in the last several years is going out to dinner and a movie with someone and just holding hands in the theater.
Edis, I would do the same thing "Thanks but no thanks". He seems to just want someone to take care of him and you have already been a big time care giver.
Sblan--welcome. I'm sorry that you didn't find this website while going through the illness with your husband, but glad you found it now. We have many members here whose LO's have EOAD, including myself, and we can so relate to losing your partner to this terrible disease in what should have been the prime of life.
Today would have been my 38th wedding anniversary, and I am feeling the loss more intense than I thought. Perhaps because there are two less holidays that I can celebrate- Valentines and the anniversary. I am planning to drive to Orlando and spend the day at the Builders Home Show Exposition. They claim that they have everything there that will make a house a home......So hopefully, I will find Audrey wandering around and I can bring her home........
Phranque, The anniversary was the hardest "special" day for me. All other holidays were celebrated by everyone and only this day belonged to just Bill and me.
Phranque, I am sorry you are feeling so sad on what should have been a happy day for you. Enjoy your day at the Home Show as much as possible and eat all the "wrong" foods for a change. Hope you will feel better soon. (((((HUGS)))))
Phranque-- With you in spirit. 38 years ago Feb 10th, Ron and I met; the 12th we got engaged and August 31st will be our 38th Anniversary. We never really celebrated the first two, but I always reminded him with a "Happy Anniversary" and we'd laugh. As you know, he's Placed now, almost 2 weeks ago. Enjoy the Home Show and find something that makes you smile. I'm keeping busy preparing to move. Looking forward.
That was lovely FayeBay*. April 10th would have been our 48th anniversary. He has been gone 15 weeks yesterday.
A friend of mine died on Tuesday. When she talked to me after Gord died, I realized that she had never gotten past the death of her husband. Her grief was still as raw as when she first lost him. He has been gone about 8 years. I don't want to do that. I will never forget Gord but I do want to live a little, have a bit of fun and feel happy again one day in the future.
Phranque After reading your post and the others both before and after I remembered something that my wife and I used to talk about over the years and that was trying to survive what we always called the firsts. After a loved one passes away there is the next year of firsts. Whether it be a birthday, anniversary, or other holiday. You always have the first year of going past that milestone without that special person that you loved. While yes they are in your heart, they are unreachable and even though you could sometimes feel the presence you could not see them. Now with the passing of a spouse, we are that person once again going thru those firsts alone without our very special person to lean on or to hold close when the going gets rough. During those 50 + years of our marraige we had a lot of firsts and now I must face those firsts without her. No one to hold tight or to lean on when the emotions get to you. The anniversary alone, thanksgiving alone and so on. I am not so sure those special days will ever completely pass without missing that someone special even if we do move forward and are lucky enough to find a new whatever we can be happy with life, but I can say with some certainty that after losing the love of my life I pray that I never lose that warm glow I feel in my heart when I remember her and the life we shared.
Bruce, Where is West Olive in relation to the Detroit area or the Grayling area? Joyce and I have homes near there and spend our summers around Grayling.
Texas Joe* West Olive is a wide spot on US 31 between Holland and Grand Haven. It does have a zip code but that is about all. I actually only live about 7 miles south and east of Grand Haven. I have lived here since 1954 and graduated from Grand Haven high school and worked in Grand Haven in a factory for 42 years before retiring. I live about 4 miles from Lake Michigan. Detroit as you know is on the east side of the state and Grayling is in north central. If you are ever around the area call and stop in and we can sit down and have coffee together and chat. Anytime. Bruce D* .
Bruce, Joyce43 writing this. I have lived in the Det. area since '54 and purchased a summer home outside of Grayling in 1988. Joe has relatives in Fremont, and I have a sister in Portage so I know where you are. I have a daughter in Chicago and always take 31 when I go there from "up north". We may surprise you this spring when we're heading North from Texas. You mentioned in an earlier post about meeting someone online but you didn't live close, Joe and I lived 1500 miles apart when we met on line, so distance doesn't mean anything, we were married last Nov.
Joyec43 I actually was down in the Wyandotte area for the summer of 1950 stayjng with relatives after my mom died and my dad had no one to take care of us kids so his brothers and their wives watched us for the summer. They lived really close the the air base there. And the invitation is open if and when you are coming thru the area come in and we can visit and have coffee. I only live about 2 miles from US 31 so you will be going right by. God willing I will still be here. Enjoy your winter in the south cause we are enjoying winter here. It is snowing now but this is the first snow since the middle of January and last week we broke the record high at 57 degrees. Only had to snow blow once so far this year. Trees are starting to bud and last week I saw two robins in a tree in Holland. Must be spring. I am so happy for you and Joe cause it just goes to show if you have faith and are willing to reach out God will provide some one to catch you. Best of luck in your marraige. I look forward to meeting you both. See ya in the spring. Bruce D *
dking* Checking in It's been more than a year since I have posted, but I still read here often. There are some strange emotions to see old friends still involved in the stuggle and those for whom the struggle is over. Sometimes I feel bad because I can only remember the day-to-day was horrible, but I can't really remember any specifics. I probably could if I concentrated, but I choose not to.
My last report was that I was in love. This continues and we have moved in together. We would get married (my comfort level), but it would be an administrative nightmare; causing a problem where none need exist. We are very happy, both still amused at how different we are and how much we love each other.
Of course, there can be trouble in paradise. During a regular annual mammogram, it was discovered that the breast cancer has returned after twelve years. She had a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation then. That leaves only a masctectomy as treatment. It will require some care, but I already know how to do that.
Even though I am not, she is a person of faith. I'm posting to ask for Jackie to be included in your prayers. I know many of you know how to do that.
dking*, I'm likewise not a "person of faith", but I'll be rubbing my lucky rabbit's foot for Jackie.
And I guess I might as well provide an update on old Gourdchipper* as well, and how I'm making out with my re-marriage. Coming up on our second wedding anniversary in another month, but as you say, "there can be trouble in paradise". New wife Joyce is recuperating wonderfully from spine surgery performed back in December. She'd had increasingly severe back pain since her twenties, beginning with scoliosis in her teen years and increasing through the years because of age-related spinal stenosis, and had been dependent on increasingly strong narcotic pain meds in recent years just to get through the day. A pioneering local spine surgeon, Dr. Richard Hynes, performed a "minimally invasive" procedure called XLIF, where he laparoscopically removed almost non-existent diseased discs from between five lumbar vertebrae (L-2 through S-1) and replaced them with spacers and bone growth material, and then used pedicle screws and rods from the back to straighten out the curvature and stabilize things while the vertebrae fuse together. She was in the hospital and then a rehab center for a couple of weeks just before Christmas, and took outpatient physical/occupational therapy for another few weeks (finished that yesterday), but now she's been given clearance to drive and resume most daily activities. We're trying to walk a mile every day, and she's taking over the kitchen again -- much to my relief. I'd found myself increasingly back in a caregiver role, but now she's almost exulting at being able to do stuff again -- she's virtually pain-free for the first time in sixty years, and slowly tapering off the narcotic drugs so as to avoid withdrawal symptoms. So I can again look forward to getting back to gourding and hopefully even travel, which has been impossible up to this point. And she can get back to her church activities and book club and stuff like that, which she'd had to forgo for much of the past year. I don't think that she and I will ever have as many shared interests as Frances and I had, but it sure beats being alone!
Gourdchipper - glad to hear she is getting better and has relief from the pain. It might be to an advantage that you do not all the same interest. Logic would tell me then there would be comparing. My brother married a woman that is so different from his first wife and it has been good because they are totally two different relationships and marriages as he tells me. He has grown in areas he never thought he would.
dking - that is good that you do not dwell on the negatives of her illness. Others have said with time the bad diminishes and the happy times will take front page. Sounds like you are experiencing that and I am happy for you. My brother I spoke of above waited two years before marrying - it had to do with her pension from her deceased husband. Living together outside of marriage was not their first choice but they could not stand being apart. It has worked out great for them.
Gourdchipper and all of the rest of you wearing the starry crowns... Hello! I also remarried after two years of being alone, and getting back on my feet. I will admit that my new husband is a good 180 degrees differnt from my former husband. My DH was a corporate executive and held an important post in a US Embassy abroad. He was well traveled, spoke French and Spanish fluently and was a serious, non-nonsense person. My husband today spent his entire life in the field of law enforcement and was the Director of State Agency that licenses all law enforcement officers in our state. He is a fun loving man, avid golfer, and has more close friends than any man I have ever known. We never go anywhere that he doesn't run into someone he knows.. and we live in a large city. It's all new to me!!.... I have said that I feel like I am in the Federal Witness Protection Program, ... I moved to a new city, changed my name, address, phone numbers and I'm living with an FBI man.
Auntie Mame is one of my favorite plays. Remember the song she sang, about "opening a new window"... I believe I've done just that. Just for fun, look up all of the lyrics to this tune from Mame..( and think about the words!!) She sang: Open a new window, Open a new door, Travel a new highway, That's never been tried before; ............(continued) .........................
The lyrics from Mame's song...are silly and fun.. She's acknowledging some call her a bit unconventional.
I will say that I have observed that those of us who are left behind, alone, but are surrounded by family, children, grandchildren, siblings, are more apt to stay single. They are not entirely alone. Those of us who have loving children ...but who live hundreds of miles away... are more apt to enter a relationship or remarry. It's not good, it's definitely not HEALTHY, to live a solitary life apart from friends and family. I urge those of you who are lonely and sad,and who relive the past every day.. to step outside when Spring comes and allow that Springtime to enter your own lives. Open a new window in your life! Make new friends who will not always remind you of your former life. Become involved in a club or organization that reaches out to others, ... not just grief support groups. I did both. What concerned me was that some of the grief support members had been coming to meetings for four or five years, continually reliving the sadness and losses in their lives. Picking at the deep wound in their hearts... never allowing it to heal. I had to open a new window. It was a little scary at first, but it worked for me. It was into the second year of being alone that I found the courage to do this, but I'm so glad I did. I know Gourdchipper will agree....
My life is not the same as it was before DH took ill, .. I never tried to replace my DH. I didn't look for someone exactly like him nor did I look for his 'opposite'. .. this just worked out for me and I'm very happy. I wish the same for all of you. I know this is what DH would have wanted me to do.. and I know that if it had been me who had died..., he would not have lived alone for the rest of his life either. Nancy B*
Next Sunday, Claude will have been gone three years. I am one of the ones who have family close by. Sometimes too close as both my kids who moved in with me to help care for their Dad, are still with me. It is much better financially for all three of us, but somewhat confining for all of us. I did most of my grieving while he was still here, and I felt a sense of relief for both of us when he did pass on. I knew he went to a better place. He had other health problems and he hated what his life had become, even before dementia took hold of him.
Where did you meet your hubby? I'm not actively looking to remarry or get in a relationship, but there doesn't appear to be many unattached males out there. Most of the males at the senior center are either there with their wives or significant others. The same for the church I attend. The singles group at church consists mainly of widows. Our friends who disappeared when he was diagnosed like he had a communicable disease, still stay away mainly because of their wives who hide them away from any widows in the vicinity. Even most of the widowers in this group find someone quickly.
A friend suggested I go online to match.com or one of those groups but that doesn't feel right to me.
Redbud, .. thank you. I lived near Austin, Tx from the mid 50's until the mid 70's and during that time, we socialized with many Austinites. I was even a member of the club where I live now,.. back in the 70's. I sort of knew Bobby during those years ,albeit quite casually. I basically knew who he was and what he did. He was a fun person and a big cut-up, it was hard not to notice him. Fast forward to last year, which was about 35 years later.... I was talking to a realtor friend about purchasing a home for myself in the Austin area and selling my Houston home. I asked her if there were many single or widowed people in OnionCreek. She said YES, (including her!), and then she asked me if I remembered B. At first, I didn't, but she reminded me who he was and said he was living here now, and he was single. She took it upon herself to have him call me to tell me all about living in OnionCreek and how many activities they had going on all the time, etc., .. and he evidentally did a great sales job.. I bought a home here and then married HIM nine months after that first conversation! I will tell you that my realtor friend here met a retired District Judge on Match.com and they have dated for two years. Countless other women our age that I have known the past three years have met very nice people on Match.com. One woman I knew in Houston met and is now dating an Episcopal priest that she met on Match.com. You have to have an open mind, I'm told, because there are 50 dorks to every 1 nice guy. It doesn't hurt to go there.. you will use a different name, just like here on Spouse, and you don't give your address or phone number. The statistics say that it's a very effective way to get to meet people you might enjoy knowing. I was thinking about trying Match.com myself, --- and would have if I had not met B.
I would suggest you try it for a month or so.. and just get a feel for how it works. It's like making pen pals, ... and there really is no risk. B. told me he had signed on a year or so ago (he was alone for 15 years).. and his only complaint was that most women want to talk about their former spouses, (hating them or grieving for them) and others were obviously looking for a sugar daddy. The women he was most attracted to were the ones who sounded as if they were well grounded, self sufficient, and had a good sense of humor. I think that would have been what I would look for as well.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You just want to find a pen pal, right? That's how it will begin. I agree, it's hard meeting people in your immediate circle of acquaintances. You have to step outside your box. Love, Nancy B*
Thanks, NancyB*. I may give it a try. I'm basically a shy person and I find it hard to get to know people, but like you say, nothing ventured, nothing gained!
Nancy, you're a jewel, with first hand advice that's "spot on"!
I used to work with a very capable marketing guy named Ron White, and his "first law of motion" was that if you need data to help form a marketing strategy, then "don't just sit on your ass at your desk and wonder about it -- go where the data is at and start turning over rocks -- you might not know exactly what you're looking for, but you'll know it when you see it!" I think the same sort of advice would be applicable to looking to start a new life -- don't over-think and over-complicate the problem -- just get out and start somewhere, anywhere, and be friendly and open to new possibilities. What does the song say -- "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, etc."
Posting this article in hopes someone might find it helpful, I thought it was good and this was the right place for it.
GRIEF RECOVERY
You know you're getting better when::
• You can review both pleasant and unpleasant memories • You are less sensitive to some of the comments people make • You can drive somewhere by yourself without crying the whole time • You can enjoy time alone and feel comfortable • You can sit through a church service without crying • You can enjoy a good joke and have a good laugh without feeling guilty • You no longer feel tired all the time • You have developed a routine or a new schedule in your daily life • You feel confident again • You look forward to getting up in the morning • You have patience with yourself through "grief attacks" You know they are becoming further apart and less frightening and painful.
The progress through grief is slow and so often a "one step forward and two steps backwards" motion, that it is difficult to see signs of improvement. These clues will help you to see that you are beginning to work through your grief.
Nikki posted the following several months back and Vickie re-posted it a few days ago. I can't get it to work right, but others do. But, I am technologically impaired!!!!!!
Nikki posted this a long time ago and it's what I used:
Up at the top, you see the 4 blue squares, discussions/catergories/search/account
Go to account
on the left hand side, click on personal information
Scroll down to where you see account picture
where the picture has to have a valid URL, you can't just upload from your pictures you have to use a website that will transfer it into this format
I use tiny pictures - is very simple! http://tinypic.com/index.php
On tinypictures site, click browse....find photo in your pictures or saved file
Once you select the picture you want.....Click upload now
then just copy the picture link from tinypictures, paste it in the account picture...tada :) The direct link for layouts is the easiest to use ( but you can use any of them, just make sure the "code" starts with the http)
Once you enter your picture ... make sure to scroll to the bottom and click save.