Bruce-you are fairly new to the site so I'll share a bit of my story. We were married for 51 yrs (I was a baby bride)-most of them good years. FTD reared its ugly head many years before I realized what was really going on. Went through the hell of violence, multiple placements and then the final loss. My husband did everything for us and I was lazy enough to let him. I always hoped I would die first-ha! In a trial by fire I like to think I emerged a stronger person. I am not looking for another relationship. I enjoy my freedom and being able to pick what I want to do.I enjoy having the time to smell the roses. Once I realized dreams would not be fulfilled I went on to regroup and find out who I really am. At this point in my life I am content.As an RN I was welcomed into Hospice as an 11th hour visitor. There is still so much out there. Do not despair.
Gord has been gone 2 weeks. Like the others, I am lost, confused and dazed by the number of things I must do. Once all the tons of paperwork are done, I want to do volunteer work. I am not sure if I want to do anything with Alzheimer's or steer clear of it. I have always been passionate about protecting those with no voice. Piano lessons and bridge lessons when things are settled.
It seems to me that there are a lot of us who have lost their spouse in the last year. Am I right?
Bluedaze your story has similarities to mine. We were married at 19 and this Saturday Nov. 12 would have been our 51 anniversary. My wife also hoped she would die first because she did not want to be here to live alone. As i said in the other post what works for one may not work for someone else. I just pray that each of us goes on in this life and finds happiness wherever and however that may be. God bless. Bruce
One of the most meaningful moments in my wedding in September was when I was able to look out over the hundred plus guests and see thirteen precious brothers and sisters sitting there.... all of us are/were Alzheimer Spouses and we met on this website. They flew in for my wedding from states as far away as Michigan, Rhode Island and Arizona, Florida.. and all states in between. If that's not love, I don't know what is. We had all shared the exact same trials and frustrations and heartache as the rest of you are enduring now... and they believed that I was living proof that there really might be a "happily ever after" in their lives, too. It's been a little over 60 days, and my life is growing sweeter and better every day. (We're both in our 70's!!!...) Never say never!!!! We both did, ... and look at us now!
Awwwww Nancy, you made me feel so happy to know that you and Texas Joe are living examples that there is life out there. Praying that both of you find life sweeter everyday.
Nancy B* and the thirteen brothers and sisters and those that wanted to go,
Life is real and in it people do these wonderful things which all can glow in even up here in Ontario. I'm happy for you too, but what fills my heart with joy is the constant knocking at the door by life wanting to know if we want to come out and play.
In this one short post is all the lessons that life has to offer. If we can free ourselves of the shackles which are the walls we ourselves make but can easily be stepped out of with just an epiphany or two, then we find that life is always waiting for us to step into it.
Well, it doesn't feel like that. No. You don't feel like that. The overwhelming evidence that it's always true that we can step over the cliff and be free is so bright in this post that it's just another day of not looking up, of not believing in ourselves, of not being willing to be the child inside us - that it's true pathos.
My hearfelt hopes for your happiness Nancy. I know why you are now married again. You opened your heart and let go of the baggage and stepped into life like a child again.
And even more. Much more. The words on computer screens and the work of loving in anguish transcended into all these people packing and going on a journey to share a moment together and even those that couldn't - it took misery and transformed them into brothers and sisters.
There is no life because of Alzheimer's. HA!!!
There is no life because you do not open to it. Put on your jacket or your shoes and shut your mind to the reasons not to which are already pouring in and why it won't be good and why not and this why not and that why not and on and on and on and on - and just do it. Walk in the park and really look. Open your heart to something. The sound of the birds. The wind or the sun on your face. Kick the fear in the face and laugh out loud and GO AND DO SOMETHING!
I'm going to end up here.
No. I'm going to arrive when my wife dies. But I won't be for long. Do it for love and don't let the fun die was always my motto and if I can survive this cruel experience - I'm going to be as free as I felt this last week when I put my wife into a nursing home for the week which is the second last agony before I bury my love. That love I should correct. Not all my love. I love many many things and I never grew up enough even to have children. Neither did my wife and we never took money or our careers seriously although we passed a grade and have both and now the real thing is to stand by her like Frank and so many did.
And afterwards I will wash in the flotsom of the pain I endured for love. No. Not a chance. I'm part of Gourdchipper and Nancy and the people that came and Bama and the crimson tide and the real truth which is that life is so mysterious that if you squint this way it's an empty barn whistling in the wind of nothing - and if you squint that way you better be careful because you could fall in love.
It's the rigamortus of routine and the fear which stop us from opening and seeing the moment. There is plainly nothing else in the way but that.
It has been a month today that my husband passed away. I am still happy he is at peace, however, my heart hurts. I am going to the monthly lunch with some friends from High School, hopefully, there will be some laughs.
Gourdchipper, I thought of you this past weekend when Cullman hosted the Gourd Festival. So glad life is good for you. And Wolf, this ole lady loves you and reading your posts always make me cry a little and smile a lot. Kadee hoping your day is fun and I think I'll make your cake recipe which has become a favorite dessert for us,
Texas Joe and Nancy I wish you the best life has to offer. Wolf your message is so inspiring and the hope that it brings to me is overwhelming. I am in the process of trying to move on but suffered yet another setback when only this morning I got a phone call that my younger brother had passed away. I had gone to see him in October and knew he was dying so it was not a total surprise. He was full of cancer and hospice was already involved. I believe this will only be a temporary setback because it makes you realize that life is indeed fragile and in order to move on you have to put the past away and look forward with hope in your heart knowing that God is looking out for the living. I will find a new direction for my life and am actually looking forward to change. Blessing to all. Bruce
Nancy - your photo on FB is so beautiful. I don't know when it was taken but the big smile goes with the happiness you now have.
Joe and Joyce - waiting for pics
Gourdchipper - so happy to hear your continued happiness. Tell you wife I said 'hi'.
bruced - sorry for the loss of your brother. In our minds we are happy for them cause they are out of pain and whole again. In our heart - we ache for their presence.
For all of you that have finished one journey and started on the new adventure - thank you for staying here and sharing.
I am so sorry about your brother bruce. Kadee, it is 2 weeks ago today that we had the funeral for Gord. I have started going for a long walk first thing in the morning followed by a trip to the coffee shop where I sit and listen to the other customers. I have felt especially sad today and had quite a meltdown this afternoon. One good thing. I have an appointment for an interview week after next. I am planning on doing volunteer work at Princess Margaret Hospital which is our major cancer hospital in Toronto. That is a little step into the unknown.
Charlotte, thank you for that sweet compliment. Tat picture on Facebook was taken this last February for our Church directory. I had just "re-met" Bobby after 30 plus years.....and maybe it showed!!! Nancy
Bruce, I am so very sorry ... death of your brother on top of everything else just seems so unfair. We'll pray he is at peace and pain free now. nancy b*
A little more than nine months now since Eric, and like others have said, I woke up one morning and had a strange, fleeting feeling of happiness. So life does go on, and it is good to be part of it.
Funny, I had come over to this site a few times after Dick died, and it seemed everyone was getting married again.... dick died 6 months ago... i'm still crying, and I'm still feeing guilt because i placed him. I couldn't deal with hom at home any longer... and the people at the day care agreed that he was probably ready to be placed. he died after 2 1/2 months... and you can imagine my guilt. I've discussed it with my children and with some trusted friends. i think maybe a grief group... i don't know. anyway, i came here today, don't know why, and I feel so much more normal. Reading what others are saying who have gone thru this loss and grief, I realize what i've been feeling is normal, and pretty much how every one feels. thank you. I cry at the drop of a hat, I'm taking zoloft, and trying to keep busy. I recently had a knee replacement which I had put off for years because it wasn't the right time... I couldn't leave him for 2 weeks, for surgery and rehab. anyway, I'm glad I dropped by, and I'll be back. this is just what I need, just knowing that i'm normal, and my grieving is normal has already helped me.
I, too, have found myself back on this site. My experience is similar to Chris r. It's been close to 6 months since Len died. I had placed him for last 2.5 months. I don't feel guilt, just grief and loss. I feel half crazy most of the time. Like a roller-coaster of highs followed by crashes into despair. The "grief attacks" are still with me, not losing intensity, but more time in between. I am in therapy and take lots of Lexapro. I went on a date. Glad only to get the first date pressure off. The lonliness is soul crushing.
It has been six months for me as well, and I'm really starting to hit the depression road. I have continued to go to the FTD support group meetings at our medical school, and that seems to help realize I wasn't a horrible person, but that it was a horrible disease. Holidays aren't as bad as talk of winter vacations to spots we went each year...knowing that won't happen again. However, I try to recall how much we enjoyed the years we did go. Oh well...rather getting tired of the "stiff upper lip"...
I am nearing the 2 year mark of being a widow and just a couple of months ago had a bout of stress, depression, bp and basically wondering if the rest of my life was going to continue being in a "funk". This lasted about a month before I pulled up my big girl panties and told myself - it was my decision. I could live like that for the rest of my life or I could look about and "count my blessings.".
I have 3 great supportive children, 2 of them living within 1 mile of me. I have 7 great grandchildren who are a delight - well most of the time - considering they are teenagers now. At least my own children can now appreciate what I went through when they were teens.
I have my health, a home and car that are paid for and a large number of mostly Internet friends that I correspond with daily.
Thankfully, I did not have to place my dh - I was able to keep him home - because he never got to the place many of yours did. However, I had chosen a place for him if the time came. I was NOT going to feel guilt, because I don't think anyone should have guilt feelings about their care of someone. Being a caregiver is a very depressing job and I have NOT read of any instance - here on this site - where anyone should feel guilty. So, give yourself some slack and dwell on GOOD things and GOOD times and NOT on the guilt many of you are feeling.
This week was the first week of our local Fire Dept. candy fund-raiser sale and I stopped and bought 5# of chocolate covered peanuts - not because I like them or am going to eat them - but because that was the last wish my dh had and the next day after we bought his candy - he "dropped off the cliff" and Hospice came for the final 11 days. I do belive he lived his last week before "dropping off the cliff" just to go into the Fire Dept. and buy his candy. As I did last year - I will share his candy with friends and family along with this story.
I am in a place of trying to cope with guilt that I didn't do everything I could for my husband. Since his passing I have learned so much more. While in the throes of dealing with disease I just wanted to make it through each day. Calm assessment wasn't possible and hindsight isn't worth a dime. I realize that I did the best I could and that what is over is over. Still------
Bluedaze*, you certainly did the best you could, you were a wonderful caregiver to your DH. It's easy for me to say turn loose the guilt - but I have a feeling I will be in the same situation in the not so distant future. God help us all. ((((HUGS)))))
We all just tried to make it through each day, but I am so positive that we each gave our all to our loved ones. I hold my head high and am PROUD of the loving care I gave my husband. Flawed as it was. Hold your heads high you widows and widowers. You are all amazing!
I am glad others are feeling guilt. It is 5 weeks since Gord passed away. Actually, 5 weeks and 2 days. Five weeks ago today was the funeral. I go for a walk first thing every morning. It is a time of quiet and thinking. I still can only remember the times I was impatient. I think I have gotten to the phase that I am telling myself that I did my very best. I still can't believe he is gone.
I know, Kadee*. I don't know where I think he is but it seems like he should be back any minute. I can't let myself think it is forever. How long for you?
I did recall that your husband passed shortly after mine. Pat, would have been 61 on December 13th. Too much sadness in 2011....I will be glad when this year is over.
Gord would have passed away exactly 2 weeks to the day after. I will be glad when Christmas is over. People keep telling me that I need to put up the tree for Christmas. The Christmas tree has always been so important to me as for most of my life, my mom and I lived in just one or two rooms of somebody else's home and I never had a tree of my own. This year, there is no joy in the thought of putting it up and decorating it. Every year when I would carefully wrap each ornament to go back in the boxes, I would wonder what the next Christmas would bring. Never in my mind, did it occur to me that I might not have Gord.
It is worth a lot bluedaze*. I am sorry for all of us too. The ones who are still coping, the ones who don't know what is in store for them and for those of us who are left behind.
It has been 6 months since my husband died. I am still on an emotional roller coaster. I now live in my house all by myself - my dog also died (Lady was 16 and a great companion) in October. We all need strength, and even more with the holidays upon us. I am decorating for Christmas - for me and the kids who are coming from out of state (and country) to be together for our first Christmas without my husband. We are a loud, boisterous group, and will hopefully celebrate with remembrances of the good times before AD....
I am thrilled when each one of us finds happiness again - Nancy, Texas Joe, Joyce, and GC are leading the way. And five others that I know are dating again. I am so happy for you all!!
I still feel more like a wife than a widow (do any of the rest of you know what I mean?) I am not ready to think about even having a male friend as yet. Maybe later on...right now I am busy trying to find out who I am/will become.
Paula, are you having chemo, radiation or surgery? Keep in touch. You have been in my prayers!!!
Kadee* you are right...I too pray that God gives us the strength we need!
Mary*---It has been 8 months for me and I share the same feelings as you do. I, too am trying to find out who I am. I succeed some days in planning activities and writing goals with great resolve that should move me forward in life and then, there are those days when I just don't want to do anything---and I don't. Then I get mad at myself for being unproductive and lapsing into a sad state. I am working on it and enjoy the encouragement from the wonderful people on this site.
It has been 1 year today for me. He was in placement for 18 months before he died. I do not feel guilty for placing him, I know it had to be done, but I do still miss him as much as I ever did. The days are long, the nights longer. I try to find things to do and keep busy but some days it it just too hard. I have no desire to date and living in the rural area I am in, very little chance of meeting anyone if I was. Maybe next year will be easier.
December has been a really hard month for me. My birthday, Husband's birthday, Wedding Anniversary & Christmas. I spent the day alone....my choice, I just didn't want to be the actress today. I went to the movies..."We Bought A Zoo" I loved the movie, cried & laughed. Hopefully, next December & 2012 will not be so sad.