Hopefully the storm will go away, and the ants as well! I hope that you are able to make new memories and let go of the past ones of the trip. Have a great time!!!
I'm trying to take the baby steps of freedom now....no more having to schedule everything in advance, no more having to rush straight home after work and stay until it was time to leave for work, no more putting his needs first - and now, for the first time in 50 years, I am alone and have no one who depends upon me. It is such a strange feeling. I am beginning to take hesitant first steps - testing the waters - and going shopping or out to dinner before going home from work. I have changed my eating habits and eat light for dinner (fruit, veggies, or cereal) and making plans to visit out of state friends - once every two months for a four day weekend.
I'm even going to the symphony for the first time since my husband and I had season tickets (before AD) on Saturday night! Others from my company will be seated near me, though I am going alone.
I have a new bedroom suite and a new queen bed so that it is now my room instead of our room. Another baby step.
I still have emotional ups and downs - it has only been 4 months - and I haven't yet been able to recall the good times. I still see him as he was the last month. I know I will be able to remember him as he was before AD, and I'm trying to patiently wait for those memories to return.
I've thought about what I want to do for the rest of my life, and so far I haven't decided......but it will be different from the last 5 years. I'll have to keep working (our savings were depleted with the in-home agency care for my husband and the ancilliary costs involved) so that I can have more than the basics in life. I want to travel on my vacations and I couldn't do that without a salary.
The weird thing is that I don't feel like a widow yet. I still feel married. I know it will come. Thank you all for staying and opening up your hearts here. I love all of you!
Mary you have friends who have stayed with you. Give yourself the time to heal. You don't have decide anything now. Just losing you dog, Lady, sure didn't help.. Rain off and on has followed us up the coast. ferry ride to the island was calm. It's thundering out now-but I am in my room with a very slow internet connection and no table. My back will never be the same. tomorrow we will be in our time share and all will be well.
Nora, I hope you are able to enjoy your trip and your family. I got all teary eyed reading your post... I hope your memories will be of happier times ((hugs))
Mary, sooooo good to hear from you! I think of you so often and wonder how you are managing. When I placed Lynn in the nursing home I tried the make this my room tactic, it didn't work for me. I know I can never have a nights peace in there again,I gave that room to my sister and I sleep in living room. I am however very glad to hear that it worked well for you. I am also delighted to hear you will be taking some trips. I miss that and I know you must too! I hope you have a wonderful time.
I have always admired you, and you have helped me more that mere words can express. ((hugs))
Go on your trip and try to enjoy it. My last trip with my husband was also a disaster. We had gone to Virginia Beach in the fall for many years and while he was sick his family and I thought we could have one more "for old times sake" and as you say, it was the worst mistake of my life. But if I would get the chance to go again I would. We had so many good times there, I think I would like to go back and remember those good trips. Maybe it would take away some of the memory of that last horrible one.
I forgot to mention something wonderful-we were enjoying the sunset when a deer walked accross the back lawn. Maybe one of those wonderful signs that all will be well.
bluedaze*, I will be praying for you to have a wonderful trip. Just try to relax and enjoy the beauty of family and friends and the surroundings. Let go and Let God provide peace, comfort, and enjoyment...... take care and have fun.....
Nora--just read about your trip--hope this one will be great and compensate somewhat for the problematic one with your dh. If you like seeing deer, you need to come visit me...they are a constant occurrence (live in the woods). I was pretty successful keeping them out of my garden all summer, then a few days ago, I left the gate open briefly and they snuck in and gobbled some hosta! Good thing it is close to the end of the season for them, anyway.
So wonderful to catch up with you all. Nora, I can just picture the deer and the sunset :-) Nikki, can you switch rooms with someone? That's what I did. Mary, I'm so very proud of you. Continue to be kind to yourself. We ARE Survivors!
How do you all do it. dh has been gone for 2months and 10 days and 10 minutes. I can't even explain how I feel. I was married for 35 years. I married him when I was still so innocent. I DO feel like a widow. I am so lonely. I talk to my dog and cat all the time. I do have friends but they are married and I just don't want to call them. It's me having that feeling , not them. I sit in the house and all I can do is watch TV. Mary, you spoke about your future life. Why is it I feel like there is no life. How do you go from we, to me. I have a daughter and I put up a real good front for her, because I want her to be ok with her life and husband. But that is not how I feel. It took me awhile to come to this section of the web site. I guess I didn't want to be a "widow". I am, and I don't know how to see a future. I was always concerned for him first, now I don't know what to do for me. I sound horrible, don't I.
paula i am not there yet, but we all grieve at our own pace. some are able to move on faster than others. i have a sisinlaw who lost my DH brothers 4yrs ago and she is still grieving over it. she also tries to move on and even has a new male friend, but says its just not the same thing. when we marry young and they are the center of our lives, its a very different situation to find yourself alone and having to make the decisions for one now. give yourself time, its only been 2 months. i hear it takes on average about 2yrs to really be able to feel better and over the grief. some it takes longer others shorter. i am sorry and hope it comes sooner than later for you. divvi
Thank you for what you said. I don't want to feel this way . I would not accept feeling this way for two years. I want to feel better now. I will be going to a new support group on Tuesday for people that lost their spouse within the last year. They are all close to my age. There should be 10 people. I am putting all my hope in this group. I don't know what else to do.
Please give yourself more time. There will be good days and then bad ones will surface again. My sister lost her dh almost 2 yrs. ago and she is still having a tough time. She found the support groups were not for her and she felt worse after attending so she just gave up on them. She tries to keep busy and out of the house volunteering at the local hospital and community center. She and I have always been extremely close and this is one time I can't help her. I am confined with my dh who has Alz. I meet her at church and we talk for a while after, try to go out to lunch once a month. I will keep you in my prayers.
Paula M- I am in almost the same position as you are, since I lost my dw about 2 months ago after being married for 37 yrs. I am finding that the feelings of emptiness and hollowness are overwhelming, and I have tried to really keep myself busy, but somehow the pain will not go away. The loneliness hovers around me no matter what I do. I have gone on a splurge, buying all new furniture for the house, new car, new decorations, and remodeled the kitchen with all new cabinets, appliances and granite countertops. I have been trying to destroy the day to day memories so that I can start a new life without seeing her in my immediate surroundings, and being constantly reminded about how dreadful this disease was. I must say that the house looks fantastic, but I am still miserable. There is no one to share the joys, frustrations, and happy moments, and the regrets start creeping in. I was advised to stay busy, keep active, and make changes. OK...so I did.....but the grief and pain just will not go away. I am blessed with two children who are close by, call every day, and visit every few days, but somehow the empty feeling I have clings to me like velcro, and I miss the drama, caregiving, excitement, and frustrations of eoad. I feel hollow inside, as though life no longer has a purpose, and I know that things will never be the same again. I imagine that time will soften the pain and grief, but I am impatient. Like Tony Hayward (president of BP) said: 'I WANT MY LIFE BACK'. .... and BP promptly fired him........
Frank-for me making changes didn't change anything. I felt like it was running away from my grief. I learned to just sit back and let things happens. The hurt really does ease up in time.
Claude has been gone for over 2-1/2 years now. Frank, Nora is right, It takes time - a short time for some and longer for others. I bought a new car, took a trip, painted the house, rearranged, got rid of stuff, etc. etc. All those were just things. I felt like I was just treading water. One morning I woke up and that weight on my chest was gone. I could breathe.....and remember all the good things that happened in our life during the 32 or so years before Alzheimers started and took the man I knew and loved away from me. I still love him and always will
Frank, just relax and let things happen in their own time, or as they say "go with the flow". It's hard but it will get better. TexasJoe*, Joyce*, Sandi*, Bettyhere*, Bluedaze* and the others will agree.
It is a process....you just do what you have to do to get through it. I was one who didn't grieve after my husband died....I had grieved long and hard for years while he was still alive. When he was finally gone it was such a blessing for him, me and our family. He had been bedridden and uncommunicative for 5 years...he left us long before he actually died.
I think you all are doing the right things...moving on with what you can and taking one day at a time. The fact that you are moving forward is the main thing....sitting in place and not doing a thing is not good.
I feel so for all of you...I wish I had a magic wand to take away all the hurt.
frank you nailed it. I know all the answers. Keep busy,go out with friends, see family. It doesn't help. Sandi I am glad he's not suffering anymore. That is very soothing for me. But I just want to feel like I'm living life instead of existing in life. I don't want to think I will feel this way for years.
It was 10 months ago yesterday that my husband died. My life on the "after" side has been exactly as I expected. Not much of anything. There is a huge hole that I do not think will ever be filled. First it was caring for him and working, then it was working and rushing to the nursing home each evening to feed him his dinner, then it was just working and trying to fill an empty evening. I lost my job in July and now I just have a lot of nothingness. I live in a rural area with little to do. I would love to move to the small town my daughters live in but due to the drilling boom in the area housing is almost impossible to find. I work hard at not feeling sorry for myself but I must admit that I often lose the battle. Not looking forward to the winter.
My heart aches for all of you. I have no wise words, I know losing Lynn will destroy what is left of me. I feel guilty for coming "up here" because I am still blessed to have my Lynn.. but I did want to offer you my support, give lots of hugs, and let you know how grateful I am you are still here holding my hand. Love and hugs ♥♥
Frank, the hardest thing for me in the few months immediately after losing Frances was the feeling of being rudderless -- nothing that I HAD to do -- no responsibilities to anyone else, etc. Quite a change from being half of a marriage partnership for the entire sixty years of my adult life, and I DIDN'T LIKE it -- as I knew beforehand that I wouldn't. So, happily, I was able to quickly (seven months) get myself back into another loving marriage partnership, and all's well with the world again. Yes, I still miss Frances, but I'm too occupied with my new life to spend time grieving -- and when I do think of her it's the healthy Frances of old -- not the poor bedridden creature of her final months.
Paula and Pranque, I've been told and found it to be true in both my mother's death and my husband's, that the 2-3 month post death time is the worst. It does taper off and while the hole is there, life fills it in to a degree that you will have joy again.
These first months after are such a mix of grief, relief, sorrow, and learning to live alone. The emotional rollercoaster ride is something else. I just brough the Caregiver Tips to the top for the several newbies here - we put some of our best advice there. I don't post much any more. It's hard to return here very much yet..and yet I can't stay away for very long either. All of you are family and understand what we are all going through. I intend to continue to check in - it has been the better part of my life for over 4 years....Mary 75*, I'm still waiting for the hole to begin to fill...
Mary-I am still shocked when I see the * after my name. Death is so final. It's a relief-but there is no atoning for past wrongs, or what we think are past wrongs.
I equate the death of our significant loves to a deep wound that heals. At first, it hurts so much, you can barely stand it. Gradually, it begins to heal but it hurts when you touch it (or talk about him/her). Finally, the pain is gone, but the scar is there.. It's a constant reminder of "what happened"... but you can live with it.. and it doesn't hurt anymore.
I agree that it took me about four months to get past the unexpected tears that would flow with the least amount of prompting, either from someone expressing their sympathy to me, or a song, or a memory. Then, (I promise you), I would find myself happily remembering good days, and/or laughing at someone's recollection of the good years. Just allow this time to pass, and in time, the open wound will fill itself up ... and as I wrote, the scar (memory) will never go away, but it won't hurt when you touch it.
I feel I have been handling my husband's death pretty well, until yesterday. I went to the grocery store, every isle I went down I wanted to cry. I kept thinking of the foods, juices & incontinent products that I bought for him each week & no longer needed to. By the time I was driving home the tears were flowing. All day I kept thinking did I try hard enough to get him to drink & eat those last nine days of his life...maybe I didn't. I think I did, however, did I? Did anyone else have these feelings of guilt? I just seem to be totally lost on what is my role now.
Dear Kadee, I think those feelings of guilt are normal. I know I had them, and I still have them from time to time. And yet I know that I did everything I was physically capable of doing, and then some. Rationally, we know that 1 extra pudding we might have got down them over a 24-hour-period had nothing to do with it. There comes a time when all systems shut down, no matter what you do. Yes, we lose our role of being the most important person in someone's life. When that is gone, we flounder looking for our new role. For me, it gradually happened that life was sweet again. If I were to try to define my new role it is to know simply that I am alive and glad of it and to look for and enjoy all the beauty and goodness around me. Not to say there aren't still hairy people around, but that's only part of it, and I'm letting scs take care of them for me.
I guess my feelings are normal. I think I am going to start shopping at a different grocery store....I won't know the store or have memories. It was 3 weeks ago today that my husband passed. I don't miss conversation...because there hasn't been any for 5 years, however, I do miss his smile.
@Kadee-you are so right about the stores bringing back memories-and not always good ones. I was in a Big Lots the other day. That was where I could get bargain sweats and clothe the entire unit. I had to leave the store.
Kadee- you are not alone...I have a really hard time with grocery stores, malls, walmart, restaurants (like Bob Evans, Outback and Olive Garden), and I usually can be found in aisle 1 tearing up pretty badly and my face stuck in the paper towels...I have a particular hard time with the things that I bought that she liked....and even the make-up aisle sends me into a grieving eruption. I suspect I will be plagued with this for the rest of my life, and I am trying to face it by eating at the places we used to, buying the things that I used to buy, but the pain becomes more intense each time. I even have the bad memories from different situations, and although it has only been two months since my dw passed, the feelings and tears are just as intense. No matter what I try, I am still haunted. I just replaced my home telephone, because the old set had too many memories of her frustrations because "the phone did not work"....I am finding that there will be little relief, but I need to get through it.
I still tear up at some of those same things Kadee and Phranque mentioned. I do, however, like to go to our favorite pub. In the beginning I questioned myself if I did all that I could,but I am assured by my family and have come to accept that I did and that the disease takes over and you can't win that one. No more adjustments, accommodations, clever environmental manipulation, problem/solution trials and errors and seeking advice will help in the end. Just love, prayer and grace. It is six months since my husband passed and just recently I recalled some memories of us before AD and it felt good. Yes, I still have "grieving eruptions" as Phranque says and the bad memories don't come to the surface as often. I am trying to keep setting small goals to keep my self moving forward.
To all my dear friends whose spouse's AD journey has ended - being easy on yourselves. Frank, Kadee, jerseymama and others - it has not been that long. You are tired, worn out, exhausted emotionally and physically - give yourselves time. You did not get to this point in one day, one month or even one year. It is going to take time.
I'm not shocked that I never noticed this thread. It's probably common but it shows deeply two things to me. One is how much we go down channels which I already knew but have been strongly reminded. And the other is just how much this segmentation of experience has to stop in Alzheimer's (and other parts of life).
It's just as normal and understandable as it is dysfunctional because we're in the thing and then we start preparing. Life's like that. And some people are fine having babies and then starting to figure it out, but it works better when we've had talks and gotten advice and already have support established. That's a happy topic so it's a good comparison because absolutely every mother will give you advice because this is mainstream society. And in fairness there are such things like the group being joined mentioned above. Sometimes we don't need them like Jerry doesn't anymore and that's great, but sometimes we do like when we're trying to quit smoking or with AA where you get a buddy where you help each other to get through it.
The basis of starting a new life in Alcoholics Anonymous is honesty and strong support. The difference is that those people made a choice. They want to try. When we arrive here on the Widow thread we are exhausted and have programmed ourselves to not think about ourselves likely for years. That's the difference from other people who lose their spouse and now face the same thing. AD spouses begin from way back like a penalty in football.
I'm beginning to realize this isn't an Alzheimer's topic. It's a life topic where things like Cancer, Parkinsons, or Dimentia are flavours of that. How do you get help that's useful before it you are in it? With AD we don't have the cycles and it's counter intuitive. Give everything to them and oh by the way think about what you can do when you're alone. That would work better with cancer spouses; but, they are still hoping and you shouldn't take that away by deflecting them on what nobody wants to call anything but 'worst case'.
One answer is obvious. Modify support group thinking so that there are enough styles that one might fit your particular thinking or at least partially. I don't believe Carol would mind that I tell you that we have been writing daily for a year now. She's on facebook as well I believe just as I'm on the Canadian AD board as well. While I've written with several people, nothing stuck or continued beyond the normal type of interaction which is fine, but after months of gradually peeling off layers, I don't think it's innacurate to say we have become friends.
The reason that worked is because there are areas where we think alike, such as how we discuss things we don't agree on which is civily but clearly. She's an articulate person with a keen mind. This isn't about Carol or Wolf. That's exactly the type of thing that I want in place more easily for people, where it's easy to read ideas that might strike a fancy for people who want or need a new life from earlier in getting the toes in the water on things they can consider, easier to connect to commonalities such as religious ideas or hobbies or interests, and where we can peek inside what other's are going through (which is provided here).
Joan has given those of us who are at this stage a place where they can talk freely about themselves which in some ways may be in conflict mentally with caregiving. It's beginning to dawn on me that I need to start investigating what is and is not available through websites. This isn't an Alzheimer's issue. It's a life issue. And a book might be interesting; but, a website that connects all these things might be more useful.
Time will heal at least in part. But time alone is insufficient. It might be more a matching of interests, styles, personality along with an aggregation of related interests. That sounds like it's working in one channel where those on the facebook group can see Frank's new projects, or the sharing of those kinds of things. It's not a complete suite though and reading through this entire thread doesn't change my mind.
I'm off to see what's out there. I don't mean dating at all. And nothing's going to prevent the reality. I may just be reacting to my own situation, but I don't think so. I'll be back.
Gord has been gone for a week. I keep remembering all the impatient things I said. I wonder if he knew I loved him. I wish he was back. Like someone else said, I go to the places where we went a lot and I see him everywhere. I worry that I am not crying enough. Our son came from Japan and he is doing his best to keep me busy but he will be gone in a week and I will be alone for the rest of my life.
jang* I too felt strange because I didn't cry as much for my husband as I did when I lost a pet. Lack of tears is just is what it is. Don't worry about it. Anything is "normal".
Thanks bluedaze*. I remember sobbing so hard when we lost our 2 cats. I seem to cry for a few minutes and then it is over till the next time. Maybe we cry so much before they go that we have done a lot of our grieving at that time. I am not sure if I found the star without my glasses. My apologies if not.
You sound so much like me. Going to the store was the worst. Seeing his favorite foods, drinks, and yes even incontinent supplies made me sad. And still does. Just not as much.
I was not going to say this until I saw you talking about cats. I lost my Husband 3 months ago, I put one of my cats down 2 months ago and on Friday, I put my last cat down and received notice that I had an irregular mammogram. So I went in for an ultra sound and biopsy and will get results Monday or Tuesday. So, what I'm trying to say is. It never ends.
Paula ((((hugs))) for all the heartache from the last few months. Will be praying for a positive report on the test - positive meaning nothing wrong. I know I get repeats done and it is just scar tissue or skin overlapping.
Paula-I lost both my cats and my husband in a very short time frame. Either I lucked into finding my Gracie or it was meant to be-but I am closer to my little girl than any other pet I have had.
Paula*, let us know what the results are, please! We have all lost so much, and survived so much....yet we still need each other more every day!
bluedaze*, Gracie has been a wonderful companion for you and she brings you so much joy. You are fortunate.
jang*, while sometimes it is a lot better, sometimes the least little thing will cause you to break down. It is an emotional rollercoaster. (((HUGS)))
I just realized that we are almost to 11/11/11 - Texas Joe and Joyce's wedding day!!!! I hope the prospective bride and groom will post a picture on Facebook for us after the wedding!!! It has been wonderful knowing that there is hope for a future filled with love and joy!
The results of the biopsy was cancer. What else could it be with the way things are going. The only good thing is that it is very small and I will be getting a lumpectomy.
Paula-so sorry for your results. I was found to have breast at a young age over 20 years ago and here I still am. Sometimes it does seem as caregivers when we think things couldn't get worse-they do. Holding your hand cyber-style.
Like many others here have said I, like them never noticed this discussion topic. I have read many of the responses and realize that this topic is probably one of the more helpful topics discussed at this website. Not only because it covers a multitude of issues but also about the afterlife of people who are trying to adjust to a new life. While I realize that their journeys vary by length of marriage and time served as a caregiver as well as their age, they all share a common bond in that they did in fact SURVIVE the AZ journey. This one fact can give all spouses hope. HOPE in a future, HOPE in a new beginning. After losing my wife about two months ago I went thru many of the normal emotions. Right now mostly all I feel is very alone, lost and confused about the future. I know that I need to find someone to be friends with because like many of you have said when Alzheimers came to our house the friendships that we had before vanished and like many of you there was not time or energy to form new ones. Now I realize that I do not have anything in common with those old friendships and need to form new ones with people in similar circumstance as mine. I can understand how most of you feel because I have similar feelings and now the million dollar question :What do I do about It? For each of us the answer may be as different as our personality and how we perceive our "new" life. One can only take baby steps until they get out of the quagmire they have been in throughout "their" journey. At some point they will realize new feelings are starting and that's because time does not stand still and each new day brings change. Not all change is good but it is essential so that you can select what works for you and not necessarily what is right for someone else. We must try to move upward in order to move forward because we are not a bunch of losers, we are survivors and we do what we have to [for us] not for anyone else so that in time we will find happiness again. I pray for all of us daily for God to give us the strength, wisdom, and patience to continue this journey. God bless you all and may your life be once again fulled to overflowing with happiness and love of fellow man. Bruce DeGarmo