i'll jump in. My wife died 20 months ago. I've grieved and cried and generally settled into a not entirely unsatisfactory life of a hermit. A couple of weeks ago, through an odd series of events and timing, I went to a high school reunion mixer for any 60's class, sponsored by classes of '64,'65 & '66. I wouldn't have gone, except one of the committee members' (who I did not know) profile indicated that he was a Vietnam combat Marine. If there is going to be Marines, then how bad can it be? I went, just to test myself to see if I could go out amongst people, knowing that there would be at least one who would cover my back. Much to my surprise, it was great. Easy going, good music, cheap beer. I met a woman that I knew (but did not date) in high school. In the late 70s-early 80s we worked at the same company where I met my wife. She asked how my wife was. I told her my sad sorry. She told me that her soul mate died four years ago and she had just started trying to go out. We have been flirting on the phone while she is out of town on business, both of us surprised at the ease of conversation. We have an actual date next week. At the mixer, in the space of about 10 minutes, I went from "I'll be alone forever (and really ok with that)" to the possibility that there is someone to share with. It might not end up being her, but the possibility exists. Optimism is not my native language, but I am optomistic. Emotions that don't hurt, what a concept. I don't really care what anybody looks like. I am more a 'core values' kind of guy. The fact that she looks fabulous is just bonus.
Wonderful!!!!!! dking, I am so happy for you! It does feel so good to get up, clean up and get out and have some fun. As I told Curt, my husband may have only died 8 months ago, but I lost my partner 2 years ago. I am proud of the caregiver that I was, but now I'm ready to enjoy life again. Good luck in your new "venture" GO FOR IT!
Except for my neighbors (elderly man and his daughter) and occasional horse-buddies, I live the hermit life, too. Tried those stupid dating sites...don't bother. Its really disappointing what thier "scientific methods" try and pair me up with. Who do they think I AM?? Been stood up by the same person TWICE (yeah, I'll give a person a second chance if his reasons seem...reasonable). Then, last time he called me, I told him never to call me again. ....and why. It felt GOOD. I don't ever want to be USED or RUN OVER again. Too many years of that crap and I want life to be different.
Susan.....how's if going with your Curt? Did you have to "come out" to Jim's people, or are you just letting things unfold by itself? I've been told to stop trying to MAKE something happen...as in the dating thing. But, I swear, I'm so lonely. It gets the better of me most days. Seems like I go through pretty bad times lately. Nothing to do with medication...just feeling lost, hopeless, going to be like this forever. I AM having a girlfriend from High School visit me next weekend. One of my old friends has been helping me with this stuff....reintroducing me to my old acquaintances from my hometown that are now living within 50 miles of me. BUT NONE OF THEM ARE SINGLE! He says, "stop it!"...and that maybe through someone else, I'll by chance meet someone to at least go out to eat with or something occassionally. Probably right. No one is going to be dropped into my lap from above.......not HERE, not out in the country!
I've been applying for various jobs. Monday, I have an "interview"...more likely, a 'cattle call'...at the local UPS. Part time holiday employment, moving packages. I'm not hopeful, as most days I still have to wear my braces on my arms, over the Ace bandages and Lidoderm patches!!! And, I'm really afraid that if I perchance GET a job there, I'll damage the bones that are still healing and have to have something repaired. Here at the farm, I can work hard, but I know when to STOP. Can't do that on someone else's clock!
Otherwise, my daughter has asked me if I would have Thanksgiving here. She'll be bringing her daughter (10 yrs old now, that was given up to adoptive parents at birth) and her little brother. I've gotten the turkey and the ham already. I have my son's old toys (BAGS of legos) and Ari's American Girl dolls and clothes for them to play with. And of course, a HORSE still here that loves to be brushed and petted, fed goodies. Hope they don't change thier minds....that'll probably happen, and I'll have to put on that "that's okay, you guys, I'm okay with that" front again. Later. Jen
Well, Jen, my advice for what it's worth -- and I hope you don't need it -- is NOT to put up a front. Let them know how much you were looking forward to your visit and how much it means to you.
Well, easy come, ya right, easy go. I ended it with Mr.Wrong. It's ok though, I learned a lot. It was fun for a while, I learned that I am still a woman, yeah, that I can still clean up good, enjoy going out and have a lot to offer to a dinner conversation. Oh and my lady parts still work, lol! So on that note, how can I complain? So onward and upward, I go. I have my intake for my bariatric surgery on 11/30, my Christmas shopping done, online, onsale, free shipping, cards are written, so now I can do some decorating, mostly to please the boys, but trying to remember how much Jim loved Christmas. It's hard, he was home, but not "here" last year and the year before he was inpatient for suiciadal ideations, both at Thanksgiving and Christmas. It will be hard, but as I've said before, what could be harder than what we have already endured. Arms around you all, I love you all, Susan*
Susan - which are you going for? I have thought of the lap band cause I know people who had it and are happy. Of course, with no money or insurance it remains a dream.
Due to past abdominal surgery, I have to have the full gastric by-pass. Medicare is paying for it, due to all the medical complications that come with being overweight. I found several good online support groups, that I have faith in thanks to this great experience of love and support here at Joan's.
Susan L*...."Lady Parts!!" LOL! Have to check to see if I still HAVE any! (no one else heas been around to check). Sorry about the guy...Well, it gave ME hope, anyway, and know it did you, too! I have a real live "date" on the 19th. Going to the Southwest Virginia Funeral Home Directors Annual dinner thing here in town. Always a fun time to be had by all! Had my girlfriend here this past weekend. What FUN! Then, all of a sudden I was alone again. Just fell back into the bed when I got up Monday morning. Good grief. I don't know how to get through some days anymore. Especially now that days are colder and shorter. Nope, had second thoughts on the job with UPS....knew I couldn't do the work. And, figured if I'd hurt myself on the job, they wouldn't help me 'cause I hadn't let them know of my frailties from a previous accident. NOW what? Later. Jen. (OH, good luck with your surgery. I knew someone who had it done and had very good results)
"Lady parts checking service" -- WOW, what a great idea for a part time business by one of us AD widowers with still frisky ideas -- almost makes me wish I hadn't remarried so soon!
Hang in there Susan and Jen -- you're both super gals with lots to offer, so I'll bet the right gentleman will show up one of these days -- just try to get out and about and act "interested".
Life continues pretty good down in this neck of the woods -- beautiful early fall weather making outside activities more appealing, and glad to have all the election hoopla behind us -- now if they can all just get behind trying to restore some fiscal sanity to Government!
LOL, glad I can bring some smile to you all.............Holidays are coming, Thanksgiving seems to be invading rather that being invited. I will have family here and "the guy" may even make an appearance, seems he knows a good thing once he's lost it, lol. We'll see, one day at a time is all I can manage. Yes, my intake for surgery is still the 30th, little grandson has oral surgery, on Friday, aggghhhh, and having a whole lot of trouble with the theraputic foster home for older grandson. Meanwhile my laptop won't work wirelessly, may need a new one. My back is recouping nicely from this last hospital stay, but Mom and I are both feeling flu-ish. YUK............
Susan, it just may be the wi-fi that is broke. You can always buy and external one to plug in or have the internal fixed. That is unless you really need a new laptop!!!
Or it may have gotten turned off. I had that happen one day and felt so stupid when the guy told me that was all that was wrong.
Thanks Charlotte, the Time Warner Guy check for a turn off. Looks like somehow something internally died (in the computer) while I was in the hospital. Luckilly this guy I'm "dating" is a pc repair tech :o) He is coming over this weekend and will look at it, also lucky for me is that my brother has a back up to his back-up laptop that I can have if Curt cannot fix mine, he also may have one for me. Gee, I could end up with a couple, lol. Trying to stay postive, making lists for my 5 Thanksgiving Pies and all the fixings for thanksgiving. If I'm counting right I should have 11 of us for dinner and the weekend!
You might want to start saving anything you want on the old one. You never know if when they start digging into it, it just may crash!! If I would practice what I preach, I would never loose anything on my computer!!
Susan..Go easy on all of those Thanksgiving pies....Part of the success of by-pass surgery is overcoming the craving for five kinds of pie, LOL. I watch a TV series featuring doctors who do this surgery and how successful some of the candidates are, ... so 'on the program from Day 1"... while others cheat and don't get their proper vitamin intake, eat junk foods instead and feel just awful. It takes lots and lots of self discipline,and if anyone can do this YOU can. I think Lois' son in law had this surgery as well. Is the actual surgery the end of November????? I haven't heard of anyone else on Joan's who have had this. Is there someone out there who can mentor Susan???
I am "new" to this thread...just wanted to ask, how long does it take to get over the feeling of being no longer loved by the person who loved you the most during your entire lifetime? When does a person stop "needing" to be needed/loved...I think I know the answer...just wondering what others who have walked THIS walk for a while feel/think. My heart hurts every night until I fall asleep (not sure if I sleep soundly or not...I've been "on call" for so long I think I still wake up throughout the night); and when I do awaken in the morning, my thoughts immediately turn to thoughts of the hole in my heart and the huge loss of the love of my life...with or w/o Alzheimers, it is a loss...but at least I used to have the "physical" here, no matter what the cost of care...I miss the hug, the smile, the reaching over and holding his hand...When does that go away...when do the tears stop...Today is 2 weeks ago that he took his last breath in my arms...I wish my own heart would have stopped at the same time...
natsmom, never, never "wish your own heart would have stopped at the same time". That would serve no good purpose for you or him. His life here on this earth is gone but never forgotten. You will soon be filling your heart with memories of the good times you shared together. Go forward with those thoughts and memories and help others to "remake a new life" while now remaking yours. You now have a wonderful opportunity to help others through your own experiences. It has been almost a year for me and I try and get out in the world every day and carve out my own little space. I intend to mark the first anniversary of my dh passing -- when his last desire was to stock up on candy for Christmas. Our local Fire Department has a annual fund raiser of selling Candy starting the week after Christmas. This year I will be there on opening day to buy a similar 6# of chocolate covered peanuts that he bought last year - the day before he went into a coma-like state. One of the ways I am keeping his memory alive for our family. This doesn't fill the emptiness of being alone and without our life's partner, lover and best friend but it is adjusting and adapting to the situation we find ourselves in. Take care....
natsmom I understand your feelings. My daughter put things is better perspective for me when she said : "mom this is the first time in your life that you don't have to worry about someone". We all wonder how to go on-but we manage to.
In our local paper today was an obituary that had a statement that was meaningful to me and I want to share. "He now rests peacefully where words no longer escape him and his mind is free and clear". Hopefully that may comfort some of you who have loved ones who have crossed over to a better life.
Natsmom, Nancy here. November 17th was the first anniversary of my husband's death. For the first few months, rarely did a day go by that I didn't tear up or simply sit down and cry. I knew all the words, "he's in a better place", "he's free of his bonds", etc. That was true, but no one understood how much I MISSED him. He died at home. We were together all the time. We married 20 years ago, after we both had retired. Rarely time passed that we were not together. We were so happy and we were in love. THAT is who I was missing. I knew the man in my home in recent years, sitting stoically in that recliner - staring into space, was also my husband, and I cared for him and loved him and did everything for him as Alzheimer's Disease slowly killed the sad image of his former self - and that other person he had become. That very sick man is, (was) indeed in a better place. I agree. Butt when he died, I found I was mourning the loss of the the man I fell in love with and married. The man he used to be. Alzheimer's was just a hiccup along the road... we had a long history of lovin' and huggin' and laughin' and just being together. Finally after a long journey with Alzheimer's, I had to accept the fact that my beloved husband, the one I was convinced was still "in there somewhere"...reallly was GONE FOREVER... I still could feel his presence, his essence... when he was home, because he was still here physically (if not mentally). I cried for months after he died (but not so much when he was sick...)..no one understood how much I missed him. They saw the man with Alzheimer had died. No! It was my husband, my beloved , who died. But eventually, ... the tears stopped.... gradually those moments washed over me less and less. Maybe the last big melt down was around Easter...(he died in November as I said). I guess it's getting through those first holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas was a blur. I didn't put my tree up, just a wreath on the door and a small table top tree. Then there was our first anniversay, birthdays, Valentine's Day.... - and I've survived them all. who knew??? Eventually, you'll find that there's a little feeling coming back in your fingers and toes and the pain in your heart and the pit of your stomach isn't as sharp. You'll love him forever and your'll miss him...- but you will also grow used to sleeping alone, eating alone and just being alone. It's not a good thing, but it becomes your new kind of normal. Give it a full year. Nothing can rush this along. A year was a revelation for me. I woke up one day and realized that I was okay, finally. I looked at a picture taken of me today and my eyes had sparkle in them. For months, the mouth smiled, but not my eyes. I was a little surprised to tell you the truth. No one can tell you to "get over it". Don't even let them try. I know your pain, and for me, it was exactly like yours. I couldn't 'man up' and be strong simply because someone told me to. I could pretend for their sakes, but that's not the same thing. I want you to promise you'll stay right here with us and let us walk you through this unimaginable time. I used to write: "Left foot forward, right foot forward, left foot forward...and on and on", just to remind myself how it's done. If you want to write me or call me, please do. I'm here and my hand is outstretched. Love, Nancy B*
Natsmom, I just this weekend, finally was able to pack up Mary Ann's clothes, purses, shoes, and scarfs and gloves to give to charity. It took over 20 large bags, over 200 hangers' worth, and some pain to do it, but I did it, alone. It has been 11 months now, and I feel that I am at a place you could call healed. I am moving on, but some people do take as long as up to 2 or 3 years. I've been lucky due to a lot of support, and am looking forward to a new life that is beginning. It is very tough at first, but it does get easier with the passage of time.
Joe, that is wonderful news to read. Yes, like it or not, life does go on. There is no timetable and every person is different......enjoy your new life.
natsmom, Nancy B said all I would say to you but my turning point was after going to the cemetery to say my last goodby on the one yr. anniversay of his passing, that`s when I felt a little like I can now go on with my life, don`t get me wrong I will miss him forever but I have 42 yrs of wonderful memories and five kids with 11 grandkids to live for. Joe good to hear your doing sooooooo much better.
Natsmom & Marygail*, I was able to stop crying at the drop of a hat, when the wind changed directions, and in front of perfect strangers after 6 months. It took me almost a year to realize that I could survive without him. n.
Joe so good to have you checking in and that you are slowly moving forward. It was a big step to give her belongings away. Keep us informed on your activities and if you decide to try the skydiving (with the idea in mind of landing safely).
Thank you ALL for your kind thoughts. Bama and Charlotte...I won't do any skydiving...I may be a little crazy, but I'm not insane! Love to you all, and best wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. As it turns out, life IS good....the alternative is NOT.
TJ...I had bought two purple parachutes and was planning to invite you for the first annual alzheimer's skydive (to bring awareness about the caregivers)...but my laboratory mice somehow wandered into my storage area, and I am trying to patch the holes where they chewed....the ropes are still pretty good and only a few have been gnawed.. Tell me again..We are supposed to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?????????????? WHY????
Nancy B - How eloquently you speak/capture the feelings...except for the part about being married after retirement, this seems to have been my "love life" as well...and the "at home until death" part too...Thank you for your kind words ~ When I am feeling low, I will re-read your post and check in here for encouragement...THANKS TO ALL OF YOU POSTER-S FOR YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. Texas-Joe, glad you were able to make a HUGE step forward...I did make it through Thanksgiving...I went to a retirement home where by 92-year-old Nana lives (she's still got a GREAT mind!) and visited with the "older crowd"...I was waited on by the staff, and it felt good not to have to do much of anything except "show up"...so different from former Thanksgivings...I do plan to get our tree out and to decorate for Christmas...it might be very lonely once it's all done, but at least I have my memories to keep me company...One of my husband's dear friends has been texting me about things my husband use to share w/him about me/us...My husband was SOOO in love with me...He just bragged and bragged on me...And I truly FELT LOVED for many wonderful and awesome years...THAT is such a blessing to me...I hope I never forget how loved I was...When you FEEL LOVED, it's pretty easy to love back...and that I did...no regrets...
I needed to check in here with my "stuff" because I didn't have anywhere else to go with it. Something has happened to me on the inside. I no longer care about anything. I want to go to bed when it gets dim outside and stay in bed as long as I can in the mornings. NO motivation to do anything, no interests. None. I did have a good Thanksgiving with my daughter and the kids. Exhausted me. Then, when they lefft....WHOP! Flat on my face. Legal battles with Social Services, Medicaid, etc., still rage on and on. NO resolution in that part of my life. Trying to sell a wee bit of land to my neighbor, but county laws are in the way....have to go to get a zoning variance approved. Geez, and this is out in the county, not in town where anyone would notice, much less, care. Realizing that I don't really have friends. Acquaintances and pals that live far away. Horse people that are already too busy with thier own lives. I can't participate in my sport any longer...except haul the trailer, drive the truck. No funds for that or anything anyway, not even for the upcoming Christmas season. Everything is disappearing around me. I'm embarrassed to say what my day consists of....pajamas all day and my laptop, maybe lots of tv or music. I have been looking for a job. ANY job. It has to pay enough to make it worth the gas to get there, though. I'm finding out how truly undesirable and unfit I am as a potential employee. Absolutely NO experience, no skills. Yes, many of you have told me how to present myself to prospective employers, noting my "life skills", but really, none of that matters. Just finished applying for a job with an exterminating company as a technician. They say they will train. BUT, I have to be able to climb 15-20' extention ladders with equipment. I know my arm won't allow me to do that safely. So, that one is a no-go. Going to stop by a shoe store today that is advertising for help. Broke down and finaly made an appointment with Social Services to apply for disabled widow's benefits. Won't be much, if I can qualify, but it will help. I'm afraid. No, I can't see any UP side to this. I keep going downhill and am in too much solitude here. Nothing I plan is working out. Nothing. And, I have some good ideas, too. Just don't add up, though. Yes, I am on antidepressants, mild ineffective meds for the pain I have from injuries. I feel very abnormal, out of it. I'm ashamed to admit that I still crave narcotics (no, I have no access to them) and have started to have a drink around 3pm....just one or two to calm myself.....I know. Very bad. I'm not in trouble yet, but I see it coming if something doesn't change for the better. I tried to talk to my daughter who is becoming a mental health counsellor (you'd think she's have understanding), but she just gets angry with me. My parents, I don't wish to worry. Wierd, but I've begun to experience the presence of my late son by my side every morning when I am barely awake. I miss him and wish to be with him. I have wasted my life. I have nothing but regrets most of the time. Yes, I have an appointment with my therapist, but not until next month. I just can't see anything left for me here any longer. I know some people get angry with me here sometimes. I take up space and am a worry. Just want SOMETHING to turn around for me somehow. This is not just "poor pitiful ol me"....I am lost and desperate. I believe I need to begin trying to sell my farm. I had it appraised lately, just in case, but it is far below what it would bring in more normal economic times. Wonder where I'd even go after that? Thanks for listening. I'd call my therapist's office, but they just want to put me in the hospital. I can't afford that....just finished paying off my last adventure.
Jen, I know it will not help much, but finding a job is hard every where. I have years of work experience but I can not find a job. My age is one deterrent (yes, age discrimination is against the law but proving is hard). My younger brother, age 48, worked for years with a plastics manufacturer who sold out and left him either to move or unemployed. He has been unemployed since and although he has great references no one will hire him. Why - economy and age. I could go on and on of people I know of who have skills and good work history and can not get a job. Yes, you have none and have your disability, but with the millions that are out of work you are not alone. They say once you are out of the workforce a year, your job skills are considered obsolete.
The last time I used a cash register it was exactly THAT. A cash register. No, I have no computer skills except how to "socially network" and my typing skills are diminished since my latest sport injury. So inept. I just came back from the YMCA...yes, I have a health club membership...they accepted me as "indegent". Humiliating, but what I have to do right now. Because of my previous spinal cord injury (2002) I have trouble with motor coordination on my own two feet. (funny, I'm okay on board a horse or pony) I tried the treadmill today for the first time. After about two minutes, it was just too much for my brain to process.......I got all tangled up with my feet, went soaring backkwards into a wall, bouncing several times before I lay there, still as dead. Emergency team, etc. Anyhow, I'm home finally, embarrassed, raspberries on my knees, chest. Headache and my arm hurts more than usual. Someone drove me home. I'll pick up my SUV tomorrow. I was really rattled, mostly embarrasssed, very frustrated by my disabilities. Ashamed of myself. I just can't get a grip on the fact (?) that I'm not able to do the simple things I used to do. I thought that getting out and getting very physical would help. Now, just going to go upstairs and take a soaky bubble bath, go to bed early (as alwlays). Nite, nite. Love you all. Jen
Jen, Jen, so sorry about all this but glad you feel free to come here and let it all out. Wasted your life? No, I think it got wasted FOR you and for a large part by this horrible disease that we're all fighting. I KNOW you're strong enough to dust yourself off and get back to a good life. I'm rooting for you!