Marygail*, about the dried yellow rose falling, I call those moments, "grace notes." They have been happening more and more to me, and I look for them and believe them. I think it is because when a person has suffered much and for a long time, that person become more sensitized to the presence of grace in their life. For example, while I standing out on my boulevard on early evening this summer, waiting for a cab to take me to visit my husband (I was simply too tired to drive), a dog came running over to me. His owner hurried after him, saying "Barney, Barney what's come over you?" Then turning to me, she said, "He's old and crippled with arthritis and can barely walk. I haven't seen him run for a couple of years. You must have some kind of charisma."
Hi all, just back from a spur of the moment trip to my best friends home in Massachusetts. My mom went with me, finally able to leave the little guy with his Mom. Learning to live again in tough. Decided that rather than pressuring myself to re-invent myself, I will just work on trying to get back on track. I miss you all, think of you always, have just needed some down time. Take care, arms around, Susan
As I wrote ealier on another thread, the lonliness is beginning to overwhelm me. I have good neighbors and am blessed by that. But no real social life...never really had any. A lot of aquaintanances lots of work. Wish someone here would take me up on an offer to come visit sometime. It could be fun. I have two spare bedrooms...and a couch. And, I really do some southern cooking!
CommentAuthorSusan L* CommentTime12 hours ago edit delete Just read an article on widows, by Alison Lutermun. It really struck a cord with me.
"Once in a while I take another whack at this Grief Thing, as if this grief thing were a pinata. One of these days, when you happpen to hit it just right it will burst open and the candies of Wisdom, Insight & Acceptance will spill all over. For a long time though, there is just the blindfold and the swinging."
Today, it's been eight months now, and I must say I have made great progress toward being healed. In fact, I am now not even thinking about learning to sky dive, and hope for a malfunctioning 'chute. I know there is life ahead, and I think that by the one year mark, I will be well on the way to being healed. Notice, I didn't say forgetting. But now I can remember without tears and sadness. I expect that by 18 months, I should be there, able to move on and experience some happiness again. It's a long road, but the end is in sight, and I know it will all be ok. My best to all who are on the same path, and those who have yet to start on it.
Oh, yes.Joe. I'm smiling because I sure didn't want to read an article in the paper about you forgetting to pull your cord (is that what it's called?) Seriously, it is good news.
That's great news, TJ -- I knew you had it in you to come through this OK!
We're coming up on the one year anniversary of Frances's death about ten days from now, and planning a simple "ashes ceremony" here on our home place by family on Sunday, August 29th -- the closest Sunday to the anniversary of her death. I've ordered altar flowers for her church on that date, and we're thinking just family for the ashes business -- nothing very formal -- just an occasion to remember Frances. My two sons have been helping me clean out Frances's beloved palm hammock out back, we've made a start on weeding and mulching her flower beds, and I plan to buy some colorful pot plants before the ceremony -- I think prettying up her hammock and flower beds is something she'd have appreciated as evidence of our still caring, and that's where we'll spread her ashes.
All this cleanup work has given me occasion to think back about what was going on a year ago. By this time last year Frances had pretty much lapsed into a coma -- never really speaking again, although she may still have tried to croak out a little harmony when Reverend Jeff would visit and sit on the end of her hospital bed and play my guitar and sing hymns for her. I went back and reread a bit of "Frances's Alzheimer's Log" that I had assembled from various emails and message board postings over the eight or ten year course of her disease, but trying to talk with Joyce about those last difficult weeks proved too emotional at dinner a few nights ago and I shed tears for the first time in a long time. It all seems so long ago now -- it's not something I think about often at all. Every day Joyce and I talk about Frances and stuff she and I did together, but those last few bad months are now seemingly stored way back in the back of my memory somewhere, and rarely come to the forefront -- only if I make a conscious effort to recall them. I feel that I've been so fortunate in having Joyce to help me move on with my life -- I tell her frequently how grateful I am to have her -- I wish all my bereaved Spouse friends could be as lucky as I!
I am so mad today I could spit fire, saw a so call friend of ours yesterday, first time since Bob passed, asked how long has it been since he died, well if you would have showed up for his memorial you would know, kept my mouth shut though, he says, he wasn`t that sick was he I thought he only had the beginings of Alzhemiers, ha, he would always see me lead Bob by the hand and I would talk for him cause he couldn`t remember his words, maybe if he had taken the time to go visit him he would have seen for himself how bad he was, he said i would see you out walking and wanted to ask how you are doing but didn`t know what to say, dummy just say I`m sorry you lost Bob, damn people are so ignorant at times, we have known this man all our married life.
marygail, sorry for your bad experience today. I believe most people prefer to avoid being involved in other peoples lives because they have so many problems in their own. Things like happened to you today don't bother me. I, unfortunately, find myself not doing or saying the right words frequently. Friends we had known for a lifetime never called and visited when dh was ill. I guess we should call them acquaintances instead of friends. However, I treasure their friendship. I truly believe we all have very few friends we can call on for help.
With the help of my hospice chaplain I am learning that I have to let go of negative feelings if I am to go forward with my life. Easier said than done-but still possible. It is my choice about who I wish to remain friends with. I does still hurt when distant "friends" choose to bring up bad things that happened long ago. Do they think I didn't notice? Dear cyber friends-it does truly get easier. Good memories are coming back.
((Marygail)) I am sorry this happened to you. I would have been angry too! I find I have a lot of anger now. Lynn deserves better from his life long friends and family members. I think what people can't seem to grasp is even if our LO's do not know them, and would not know if they visited or called... WE WOULD!! and often times, it would mean a great deal. Now it is too late, I am so pissed off I don't even want to speak with them again. And if they show up at Lynn's funeral, I swear I can not be held accountable for my actions. I hope I am the lady Lynn knew me to be, I hope I am able to contain my rage... but I am not so sure I will be able to.
((Bluedaze)) I am so glad you are being comforted by the good memories ♥
Nikki you always seem to understand how I feel, I`m not always angry anymore, things are getting better, it`s just this person who called himself a friend to Bob, I find myself laughing once in awhile and even wondering about my future, just wish I had money to do a few things I love to do but I will move on with my life the best I can, I pray for Lynn everyday for God to look out after him. Imohr, I understand what you are saying but there are a few so called friends who just don`t care, not friends anymore. bluedaze my negitive thoughts are getting fewer but there are still times lonlyness gets to me and the thoughts come back, I`m working on myself
((Marygail)) I think perhaps we were seperated at birth ;) I am glad you are not always angry now. ♥ But anger isn't a bad thing. It often times gives me the fuel I need to make it through the day. I think we have earned the right to be royally pissed off! I think the old adage, too little too late, is fitting for this guy who called himself Bob's friend.
I will be in the same boat as you. I have been disabled since 99, so there wont be funds for me to get the hell out of dodge, and I know that is just what I will need. Maybe one day we can take the caregivers cruise together though. Now that would be fun! :) Thank you for thinking of Lynn, it means a great deal to me! ♥
I haven't been on here for a while, but this topic really tugged at my heartstrings. I am living in a so-called "active adult community," for over 10 years now. My DH and I had so many friends here, dinners out, etc. Now that I am alone, I am not "accepted" by couples and feel like the fifth wheel on a wagon. Even widows of a few who lost their husbands to Alzheimers and who I called when they were going through the pain of the disease, and helped them, now have their own lives and are concerned with only themselves. Before my DH passed away, we had decided we would only have the family and a few close friends to visit him and private burial after cremation. I say that if you can't go to see him when he is alive and in a NH (not in that bad a condition either), then don't bother when he is dead! Marygail, I feel for you. How can so-called "friends" be so insensitive!
I try NEVER to be a complainer.The worst is over. My dear husband is safe and free from his constraints with Alzheimers. But I am so so sad today. Holiday weekends are the worst. I called several of my friends to invite them here and everyone had plans with family and others. I don't know anyone else to call. I am so lonesome. I know there are things i should do, but when I'm feeling this sad, my motivation is gone. I know this will pass. I have fewer and fewer of these down times...and I have made plans, joined groups, (Museum Guild/YMCA/Over 55 Bible Group at Church) but nothing is going on this weekend and other places are closed. Just tell me that this is not unusual. I hate to think about the winter holidays. My husband died two days before Thanksgiving and I was more or less in shock the next six weeks. Now, everyone is gone and it's up to me to recreate my life. All of my family lives elsewhere, so they aren't the answer.
Nancy, I know it must be hard without family near. Fortunately, I do have both daughters near, actually, as you know, I am caregiving the one who was in the 4 wheeler accident 2 months ago. Third time around for me, in my house, but this will be temporary. I was an only child and lived in a rural area and pretty much grew up a "loner" by entertaining myself. When I married, my dh had a job working 7 days a week for years, then we owned our own businesses working 6 days a week. Holidays were rare in my household. Until the last few years I always cooked a meal for the kids on the holiday's but have never had other company on Holidays. Also, I have NEVER been to anyone else's house on a Holiday other than my kids. Here it is Labor Day Weekend and to me it is like any other day because we never did anything on Labor Day except Labor. I have since turned over the Holiday meals to my daughters and they were eager to comply. I don't cook much anymore but I love going out. Hang in there, with your new groups you have recently joined you will soon find yourself with more things to do than you know what to do with. You can come over and "hang out with me". (grin)
Nancy-I also had no week end plans. I called a shut in woman and we are going to dinner together. She can be out for short periods of time as long as I pick her up and drive just about through the door of the restaurant.
I went out to lunch today with a neighbor who is a widow. Weekends work better for her so we've been doing something about every other week on a Saturday or Sunday. I'm not sure if we were put together by the neighborhood helping group or not, but I do think so. She called me and someone gave her my phone number.
I guess the "answer" is to meet up with someone who is in the same situation. Not totally sure how to do that and I know I need to do more of it.
It sometimes takes a bit of doing Starling. When I became a widow, over the next few months I called 3 ladies who had been widowed within the past year and all of them said they would love to go to lunch but not a one has called me back. Everybody is so busy with their own lives anymore and I understand. Bluedaze that is wonderful you are taking a shutin. I bet she is so happy. I have been going to lunch lately with a friend who is married and her husband spends his time "playing with his airplane" at the airport. Also, making new friends with volunteer jobs - may not include lunch - but I can handle that. I do agree, it is a "starting over" game.
In a large urban neighborhood, such as the one I live in, most of the homeowners are families, many of different nationalities, Mexican, Chinese, Jamaican, Great Britain to name a few. The boats in their driveways brought home from storage on hoiday weekends, clearly indicate they are going to the area lakes. Others have cars parked up and down the street...big back yard swim parties with other families with children. I live in Houston and this is a hustle and bustle city with people on the go all the time. One hour waits for a table in any given restaurant on Friday and Saturday nights. Foster and I had plans to move to a beautiful upscale Independent Living property - had a deposit on it - and listed our home. It sold to the first couple who loooked at it. We are then told that the property we were buying had come upon a financial glitch, and although it was still going to open, it could be as much as a year late. It seemed that our only option was to buy another house. I made a hasty decision, bought another home much too quickly, and here I sit. He was diagnosed a few months later and we were house hermits for most of the past few years. Now I pay the Caregiver price again...no friends, and out of step with the world around me. It's a desperate place to be in.
I'm pretty much in the same boat as the rest of you, altho I do have my son and daughter living with me. They are both single and moved in with us to help me with Claude. After he passed on, they decided to stay with me. We share expenses which helps all three of us. It's helping more so now as my son was laid off his job last Monday.
I have nothing planned for the holiday weekend either. The majority of our 'friends' basically dropped us when he started having problems. Now that I am a widow, I'm a threat to the husbands, and most of the widows are involved with other things and don't have the time.
About three months ago, I joined the senior center and am taking a water aerobics class three mornings a week. So I am getting out of the house. I have some health issues of my own and don't have the will or energy to do more.
I've always been somewhat of a loner so being by myself doesn't bother me all that much. I get irritated by people (my sister particularly), who keep pushing me to get out and do things.
I am not a widow...however, sometimes feel like one. Since placing my husband in ALF, I am lost. I go feed him everyday, but, then just come home to an empty house. I wish I lived close to any one of you, I would love to visit, go to a movie or dinner.
Kadee, I've heard people say, "My husband took his last breath last March, but it's as if he died about three years ago." As with Bluedaze's husband, I believe I recall that for at least two years before he took his last breath, he had no idea who she was. That doesn't make it any easier when they actually die,..... but, truth be known, once they are in that state of not knowing anyone or anything from their lives, one could almost say that you are a widow from that point forward.
Nancy, whatever became of those plans to possibly move back to San Angelo or somewhere closer to where you grew up -- would you still have friends there? Joyce's (my new wife) son and daughter-in-law visited their son in Austin recently and reported that Kreuz's is still serving great barbecue in Lockhart!
That same son (my Godson) and daughter-in-law invited us to join them for late lunch yesterday, so we were able to be with family -- kids splashing in the pool, etc. --but I still couldn't help remembering that yesterday was also the one year anniversary of our memorial service for Frances. We'd had our own private "remembering" this past Sunday, where we spread most of her ashes in her favorite palm hammock out back. I think I'd already posted that my son and I are planning a trip back to MS a bit over a week from now so I can teach a few gourd classes and visit kinfolks -- wish Joyce could accompany us, but health issues preclude it at present. So life is pretty good for me -- no complaints.
Gourd chipper, I'm stuck here until my home sells, and the market in this area is just horrible. Don't have 'lookers'...so can't get an offer, even with the house priced $50K under appraisal. Can't move forward until the house sells, and with our economy the way it is, large homes like mine are not moving. Kruez barbeque is still the best, even at their new location. Enjoyed it several weeks ago. There was a Food Network Challenge televised recently with Kruez vs Smitty's barbeque (both Lockhart guys)..and Kruez won, barely. Just goes to show...Lockhart, Tx makes nationally acclaimed barbeque. How is Joyce's back? Is that why she cannot travel?
I am so glad I checked into this site today! I now know how many of you are going through the same loneliness and disappointment as I continue to have,that our "friends" forsake us now! Weekends are just terrible! I can get through the weekdays just fine (?) but the holiday weekends in particular bring despair to me, as much as I try not to feel that way. I live in a "so called" active adult community. "Friends" won't include you in a neighborhood get together, even though they are a couple of blocks away! Clicques! One is a dementia widow, who my DH and I both helped along the way! Even my own daughter who is invited to a MUTUAL friend's tomorrow for a BBQ, wouldn't think to ask if I could go!!! My other two are far away from here..Many others here have family they are with close by. My daughters tell me to call people, which I do, but I feel like a beggar when they have other plans.
Wouldn't it be nice if we had that Magic Carpet and could all be together somewhere...Have to run that by Joan!!!!! (Just kidding..we have to keep laughing!)
Kaydee I'm in that same married widow stage too. I don't visit my husband every day and I don't try any hands on caregiving. They are doing a good job with him. Basically I'm his advocate.
I'm beginning to work on getting out of the house. And a lot of what I'm trying to do means that I have to make plans and make certain days too important to make other appointments on that day. Your mind set needs to change.
I find myself going back to when I was a teenager and discovered that my friends expected to have something special to do EVERY WEEKEND and how shocked I was at that idea. My mother was a widow all of my childhood since my father died when I was 4 years old. And basically she didn't socialize at all most of the time I lived with her. She never figured it out. I intend to learn from her mistakes and make new and better mistakes of my own.
hi, i have not written here before. i always wrote in the alzheimers with ftd section. i almost deleted the link to this site until i stumbled onto this section. my husband died in october 2009. the diagnosis was cancer but he had ftd alzheimers for at least two years. the cancer in his fluids was the last straw and he gave up. he gave up and i can not hold it against him although i miss him so much. i feel guilty when i do not visit the cemetary at least three times a week. right now there is no life without him, just existing. i am glad he is not suffering anymore, he had other health issues, but i still wish i had him to hold. we were married thirty three years and there is such a hole. i know the pain will eventually ease some (lost my mother at eleven) but for right now i want him back so much. not as he was the last three years but as he was twenty years ago. the only man i have ever truley loved. i miss him so. glad i found this section and glad it is here. it is nice to have others who share. thank you all
First of all, gafs, go to your Profile and add a STAR to your crown. Use your asterisk key to make the star. Notice the rest of us have stars after our names. My husband died on November 17, 2009 and LMohr's husband died in early December 2009. TJ (Texas Joe) lost his wife in December of 2009, so you are with a group of us who are exactly where you are today in the grieving process. I'm go glad I'm beyond the stage when tears would pop out without warning. and I couldn't bear to touch his clothes or personal items. I do still miss him, but now I am feeling a need to get out MYSELF and recently signed up for several volunteer groups and joined the Y. That was a week ago. I'm waiting for their Fall Orientation. I hope that will get my mind more off of the past and will point me to what life will be like in the future. I DO have depressed times Read my posts earlier in THIS thread, going into the holiday weekend with no plans -no invitations - all alone. We are all prone to ups and downs. Week days are so much better than weekends. (agree, everyone?) I know where my husband is today...and it's not where his ashes are buried. So I do not feel a need to go back to his burial spot AT ALL. I carried his ashes in my lap all the way to the interment, and When I kissed his urn, it was for the final time. I'll see him again when the good Lord calls me.
I can only hope and pray that you will read and re read the posts on this thread. We ALL have good days and bad days, but you will see the difference in yourself, very subtly,as the time moves on. It won't be overnight...and you will have to want to look forward. I pray you will be able to get some encouragement from us. NancyB*
hey don`t forget me, my DH passed in October 2009, I know I don`t post as much as I used to but I`m still here and at times need you all and hope sometimes give a few words of encouragment to a few. Things do get better, I only go Bob`s resting place at special times, like next month his time of death, I plan on bringing those yellow roses he always gave me, I don`t want to go there much he is with me in whatever I do, be it crying ,laughing,playing with grandkids,hanging with daughters and son,it is all the things we did together, that`s how I remember,gafs I`m sorry you didn`t find Joan`s site sooner the ppl on here, my cyber friends, have helped me accept the fact that life does go on, my heart goes out to you.
I'm so sorry marygail*, I didn't remember exactly when your husband died, but together, we have GAFS back, front and side on our recovery walk...looking at the fact our husbands died around the same time hers did. I agree, I wish she had been with us all along. And, this is a good place for those of us who are on this side of the Azheimer Journey. GAFS, stick with us, together, we'll get through this.
Welcome to our little Group Gafs* We all understand, only too well just how tough this all is. My husband was dx'd in March/09 and left this world in March/10. He also had FTD. Some days are better than others. I do best if I keep busy, I'm trying to get involved in the community and meet new people. It is painfully tough. I so want a new life. I am so lonely.
I never contributed to this group, although I have gotten a great deal of comfort in reading everyone's input and I know I am not alone with the feelings I have.
Gail - I especially follow you because our husbands passed just one day apart and I believe (I could be wrong) their birthdays were one day apart as well. My husband passed away on October 24 and his birthday was June 26. It always amazes me when I read your posts. Many times I feel there is something wrong with me - then I come into this area for a pick-me-up because because of the need to know that I am as normal as everyone else.
I never thought I would contribute anything here, but after learning that there are many others who lost their loved ones around the same time I did, I could not let this time pass without putting in my two-cents. Just two weeks ago, I got back to going to the health club. My health really deteriorated before my husband's death and I was so sick hospice placed him in a nursing home for respite care for me. It took me two months to get back on my feet before I was able to take him home - he passed away three weeks after that.
Grace, my husband died DURING the time Hospice sent LVN's to our home 24/7 so I could get myself back together,...I had been getting by on less than one hour sleep at a time and was up almost every night for several hours. They felt it would be better for him AND me if they came to us with care, rather than placing him in a nursing home. There is not a specific Hospice Hospital in our part of the city. He slipped into a coma on the third night and died five days later. I wonder how it would have been if they had not come. I wondered if they did something to make him go into a coma...I wondered and I wondered. But no longer. That was the first three months or so. We really do walk through the famed Stages of Grief...and looking back, they are right on the mark.
"Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep, then I cried myself to sleep, so sure life wouldn't go on without you. But oh this sun is blinding me as it wakes me from the dark. I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart."
I haven't posted in quite awhile...thought it was time for me to give you all an update: I just got back from Italy, I had to go and have closure with Dario's family.....We visited them often, in the 59 years of our marraige, so I have gotten quite close to all of them...It was a visit mixed with emotions, it felt strange being in Dario's home town, without him. I was glad that I went and I know they were happy to see me..along with my daughter and her husband. I had planned, before going to Italy, on moving back to Clearwater. I was beginning to feel lonelly, we came to Jacksonville 3 years ago, when I needed help with Dario ( I have 2 daughters here, and grand-children)Now thaat Dario is gone, there wasn't much for me to do here...I have many friends in Clearwater, many in the same posoition, it is where we had our home for 56 .years.where there are many happy memories. We have to do what we feel is right for us. I am grateful that the girls understand. Life has changed for all of us.....but Life does go on. God Bless you all..Rosalie
Rosalie, my grandparents lived in Clearwater for many years. They are both gone now, but I have fond memories of going to visit them. I'm sure it has changed alot since I was last there, ah......30 yrs ago, YIKES!
Hello Susan...yes Clearwater has changed, but it is still the town that I love....I would love for you to visit me...I think it would be nice for you to relive old memories...give it some thought...would enjoy having you...Rosalie