JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2014 - SPOUSE IN A FACILITY (OR HAS PASSED ON)– ISOLATION PART III - final in the series

You have reached the end of your rope. You can no longer care for your spouse at home and make the difficult, heart wrenching decision to place them in a care facility. There are a multitude of emotions and difficulties you will face as you transition from being a full time, hands on caregiver to a “care supervisor” of your spouse’s needs, while he/she resides in a specialized facility. I have discussed many of these in previous blogs that have chronicled my own journey from wife to caregiver to care supervisor. Since this blog is one in a series about “isolation”, I am going to focus solely on that topic. You may read about other “placement” issues by clicking this previous blog link and reading the blogs from July 2013 – the present.

In the previous two blogs in this series (see below), we discussed how 24/7 caregiving isolates us from friends, family, and activities, and what, if anything, can be done to alleviate the situation.

No two experiences are alike. Everyone’s reaction to placing a spouse is based upon the type of marriage you had, your family and financial situations, your individual life experiences, and your own personal method of dealing with stress. What is a constant, is that we all go through a difficult period of emotional adjustment. However, in relation to isolation, what I thought would happen was far different from what actually did happen.

Although devastated and paralyzed by grief, as detailed in my blogs, there was a little space in my brain that thought – the chains of imprisonment have been broken. I will be able to get out of the house whenever I want, go wherever I want, and do whatever I please. I was ill prepared for the reality that it would take so long for me to “heal” from the exhaustion of years of caregiving; that it would be 7 long months before I would even feel like going out of the house to create a new life, meet new people and explore opportunities. Once that decision was made, the next reality set in that none of it was going to come knocking on my door. I was just as alone and isolated as I had been before placement, but with less to keep me occupied.  More isolation led to more depression, which led to more isolation. Anyone who is severely depressed knows that depression hinders your ambition and ability to act.

I know from reading the message boards that I am not alone in the cycle of depression and isolation. The issue is what to do about it before it destroys us. I was lucky enough to find a counselor, with whom I developed a good rapport, who is helping me put my life back together piece by piece. What I did not know; what you may not know; what she has validated, is that it is HARD to do. It is not easy to find activities that interest you, and once you do, it is not easy, after decades of being part of a “couple”, to walk ALONE into a meeting full of strangers, and try to make friends. You can feel just as alone and isolated in a huge group of strangers as you do at home by yourself.

What I did not know is that it takes time, practice, and trial and error to find a group in which you feel comfortable. It takes time, practice, and trial and error to find even one new friend with whom you feel comfortable. It hurts. It is lonely. It is HARD WORK. But if you are to have any quality of life while your spouse is in a facility, and afterwards when they pass away, you have to put in the work. Some days it is easier to sit home, isolated and alone, than to make that effort to begin anew. However, if the choice is isolation and loneliness forever vs. stepping completely out of your comfort zone to do the hard work to find a better life, what will your decision be?

I do not like the position I am in. I want my old husband, my old life, and my old friends back. But, it has been decided without my input, that I cannot have any of those things. I have to start from scratch to build a new life, and it is HARD.

If, after your spouse has been placed or has died, regardless of how long or short a time it has been, you are still feeling isolated; still experiencing depression; still finding it difficult and distasteful to venture out on your own to make friends and find activities; take heart in the knowledge that you are not alone. Your task IS hard, and it will take time and patience to complete.

For those of you who are wondering how and where to start, here are just a few suggestions that may help:

Life Learning – classes of all types for the “over 50” set - Check with your local colleges for classes offered.

Meet Up – Type into Google - "Meet Up in "your city", and it will take you to the groups in your area. You will find every group imaginable meeting in your area, from hiking, book clubs, crafting, philosophical discussions, dancing, yoga, etc.

Volunteer in your community – animal shelters, hospitals, schools
Community centers

Church/Synagogue activities

MESSAGE BOARD: Joan's Blog - Isolation - Part III

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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