JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12, 2014 – ON OUR OWN TIMETABLE

My message today is that whatever phase you are dealing with in your spouse’s Alzheimer’s Disease– adjusting to the diagnosis, coping with personality change, learning to relate to the disease, rather than the person your spouse used to be, adjusting to living alone after long term care placement or death – whatever it is, it has to be done on your own timetable. No one can tell you – “time to accept it and get on with your life”. We all respond to and cope with similar situations in vastly different ways and times. I have learned that to allow oneself to be rushed through the process by others’ idea of time, is to deny yourself proper healing.

All one has to do is read through my blogs to realize how slowly I have adjusted to each change in my husband’s abilities. I am the ultimate slow learner when it relates to Alzheimer’s Disease and my marriage. I fought and screamed myself almost into a heart attack or stroke trying to hold onto the man my husband used to be and the loving marriage we used to have. It took about 5 years before I finally gave up and realized that Alzheimer’s Disease took both, and neither was coming back. I have seen others accept it in a matter of months; I have seen others never accept it. It is an individual time table.

My members are aware of how difficult Sid’s transition to a nursing home has been for me. After the first two months of crying and sleeping subsided, I continually felt the need to lie down and rest for most of the day. I did not want to go out socially, not that I had anywhere to go. I forced myself to meet once every week or two with a female friend for a visit, a lunch, or knitting. I went to physical therapy for my back three times a week, but basically I was content to lie curled up with a book, tv, or a tablet game at night and often during the day. I felt a desperate need for rest. I could not seem to get enough.

Then an incident occurred this weekend that made me realize how important it is to allow yourself the time you feel you need to adjust to each new Alzheimer situation. On Sunday morning, a friend called to ask me if I wanted to go to a live musical show with her that evening. Her husband just had back surgery, and was unable to go. Up until that moment, my reaction would have been to say no – that I did not feel like getting dressed up and going out at night; that I wanted to lie around in my comfortable sleep shirt and watch TV. But I suddenly felt like going. I thought – yes, that will be fun. I want to get out.

Later on, I rummaged through my closet to find something that would fit my now 60 pounds lighter body, and came up with a lovely blouse I had bought at least 15 years ago that I was never able to get over my head. Paired with newly bought slim fitting slacks, makeup, which I hadn’t worn in at least 2 years, and jewelry, the result was astonishing. It felt exhilarating to dress up and look rather good. My friend and I laughed and both agreed that “I clean up pretty good.”

The show was phenomenal, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It made me feel that I am ready to go out to more similar events.

I am totally convinced, and believe with all of my heart, that if I had been rushed into going out when I was not ready and did not want to, I would not have had such a good time.

Six years ago, my social worker tried to push me into responding to Sid as an Alzheimer patient, rather than a husband. I fought her every step of the way. As she tried to make me understand that he was no longer the husband I knew, and I had to change the way I spoke to him and related to him, I tried to make her understand that if I followed her instructions, I would lose the husband and marriage I had. Eventually, I came to realize that she was correct, and I did learn to respond to my husband differently. And I did lose who he and the marriage were. But I had to come to that acceptance in my own time.

Whether you are at the very beginning and in denial about the disease; are fighting as I did to relate to the spouse as you used to; are trying to adjust to placement – whatever your situation, you will get through it on your own time table. You will know when you are ready to accept each phase and change in your spouse, and no one can hurry you through it.

*Note: I would be remiss not to mention that my “timetable” does not apply if you are so depressed that you cannot get out of bed in the morning, have thoughts of suicide, and are unable to participate in any daily activities. In that case, you are most likely suffering from severe depression and should seek immediate medical attention.

MESSAGE BOARDS: Joan's Blog - On Our Own Timetable

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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