JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, AUGUST 11, 2008 – BECOMING THE LONE DECISION MAKER

Nothing about this disease is easy. But I am finding that being the lone decision maker  is a really tough one. Maybe not as tough as the temper tantrums, rages, taunting, and insulting, but still difficult and lonely.

I have always been a fairly independent sort, even as a child .  I know my own mind, make decisions based on balancing pros and cons, with a bit of gut instinct thrown in for good measure, and generally trust myself.

So I am perfectly capable of making decisions on my own. But even with that independence and ability, I loved the decision-making partnership Sid and I had as husband and wife. I relied on the security of his opinions and ideas – we brought the decision to the table and volleyed the pros and cons back and forth. We usually came to an agreement together, but if there was a stalemate, I went to his corner if it was a subject with which he had better knowledge, and he came into my corner if it was a subject in my area of expertise. Oh, we didn’t always make the right decision, but the process worked well for us.  

Old habits die hard, and I continually find myself running to him with a decision that has to be made – insurance, drug trials, careers, banks. Running to him, I said. I did not say I completed the run all the way to him. Not anymore. I have learned my lesson. Alzheimer’s Disease not only alters the reasoning and judgment needed in decision making, it erases the memory of the discussion about the topic needing a decision. Throw in confusion, anxiety, anger, an inability to properly process the information, and you are barking up a tree that isn’t even in the forest anymore. If your situation is anything like mine – i.e, IF your spouse has made a decision, the next day he/she will either forget they said it, deny they said it, or change it.

That leaves us with ALL of the decisions on our shoulders. To those of you who have never made decisions on your own – for whatever reason – each personality and marriage dynamic is different – it has to be even more difficult to learn to educate yourself about whatever needs decision making attention, and to learn to trust yourself to make them.

I find that this issue leaves me not only with loneliness, but guilt. Guilt that I had to make the hard decisions that he feels have “gone against him,” and have deeply hurt him. In my case, it is cessation of the driving and the anti-depressants over the drug trial. I am sure you have faced other difficult, lonely decisions.

Please let me know how you feel about being the lone decision maker. Do you miss the partnership? Do you feel guilty for some of the decisions you have made, even if they are in the best interest of your spouse?

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: The Lone Decision Maker

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